If you knew you would be excommunicated

[lostalone]

Please, please, no judgement. 

What would you do if you had been living your life in a way over the past three years that you knew would get you excommunicated.

I'm too ashamed to talk to my Bishop and Stake President. I know them too well as friends and can't bear to see the shock and disappointment in their eyes. I've never been particular liked or accepted at church either, and I know getting excommunicated will result in everyone looking at me and thinking they were right all along, as I've always been the type to stand up for human rights and decency in the face of towing the line. Everything I have stood for will be crushed, everything good I have done will be questioned, and I feel me coming forward will hurt more people than it would help. It will only help me. I wonder if maybe sacrificing my place in the celestial kingdom permanently is better than letting the good works I have done be undone just because I feel bad.

I would rather turn my life around quietly, and try my best, knowing that the best I can hope for is maybe terrestrial glory than see the people I have helped and work I have done be turned to dust by my confessions. Isn't it selfish to confess to save myself when so many others will be hurt by doing so?

[Guest]

1 hour ago, lostalone said:

Please, please, no judgement. 

What would you do if you had been living your life in a way over the past three years that you knew would get you excommunicated.

I'm too ashamed to talk to my Bishop and Stake President. I know them too well as friends and can't bear to see the shock and disappointment in their eyes. I've never been particular liked or accepted at church either, and I know getting excommunicated will result in everyone looking at me and thinking they were right all along, as I've always been the type to stand up for human rights and decency in the face of towing the line. Everything I have stood for will be crushed, everything good I have done will be questioned, and I feel me coming forward will hurt more people than it would help. It will only help me. I wonder if maybe sacrificing my place in the celestial kingdom permanently is better than letting the good works I have done be undone just because I feel bad.

I would rather turn my life around quietly, and try my best, knowing that the best I can hope for is maybe terrestrial glory than see the people I have helped and work I have done be turned to dust by my confessions. Isn't it selfish to confess to save myself when so many others will be hurt by doing so?

What would I do?  I would talk with my bishop right now and let the pieces fall where they may!  If I were to be excommunicated, so what?  Excommunication is just a name for a stage in the repentance process.  If it happens, it happens!  There is nothing to fear from excommunication, and it is 100% done in a loving way.  The point is, you are repenting and the second you talk with your bishop and start repenting, you become worthy for the Celestial Kingdom, and you will feel so much better, regardless of whether it is determined you need to be excommunicated for a short while or not.  Don't be afraid of excommunication, and don't let it scare you away from repenting.  

As far as being worried about what others will say and think, a couple of observations.  First, church discipline is highly confidential, and no one except your spouse and the church leaders directly involved with the discipline are going to know (nor do they need to know).  Second, those who would care if you have been excommunicated are presumably members, and if they are following the gospel, they won't be "hurt" or "disappointed" in you, but will be happy that you are taking some time to fix some personal problems for your eternal welfare.

Satan loves to blow excommunication up, to make you think it is like facing some medieval inquisition court or something, and that it would be easier to just quietly turn away from the Celestial Kingdom because others would be disappointed in you.  This is a lie.  The truth is, excommunication is just a name for a stage in the repentance process, it is nothing to be afraid of, your ward will probably not know if you have been excommunicated (and if they find out, they should not care), and it is totally worth going through to go to the Celestial Kingdom.  Remember - excommunication lasts for a few months.  Missing the Celestial Kingdom lasts for the rest of eternity.  It is a no-brainer: take the excommunication and save your soul.

You should positively get yourself to the bishop.  You sound like you don't feel too good, and you will feel so much better once you start putting things in order the right way by talking with the bishop.

Edited March 19, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Vort]

1 hour ago, lostalone said:

Please, please, no judgement. [...] I'm too ashamed to talk to my Bishop and Stake President. I know them too well as friends and can't bear to see the shock and disappointment in their eyes. I've never been particular liked or accepted at church either, and I know getting excommunicated will result in everyone looking at me and thinking they were right all along, as I've always been the type to stand up for human rights and decency in the face of towing the line.

You're awfully concerned about judgment, yet you come to an LDS list asking for people's opinions -- that is, their judgments. Perhaps you fear other people's opinions (judgments) too much.

Having read only what you write above, I suspect you are wrong about people standing ready to think, "Aha! I knew it!" Most people frankly don't really pay much attention to you. They are far too involved in their own lives and problems. And to be blunt, the opinions of any who might possibly think such smug, self-righteous thoughts about you are not worth your attention.

1 hour ago, lostalone said:

verything I have stood for will be crushed, everything good I have done will be questioned, and I feel me coming forward will hurt more people than it would help. It will only help me. I wonder if maybe sacrificing my place in the celestial kingdom permanently is better than letting the good works I have done be undone just because I feel bad.

I would rather turn my life around quietly, and try my best, knowing that the best I can hope for is maybe terrestrial glory than see the people I have helped and work I have done be turned to dust by my confessions. Isn't it selfish to confess to save myself when so many others will be hurt by doing so?

Please read and/or listen to this General Conference talk immediately, given last October by Sister Linda S. Reeves of the General Relief Society presidency:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/the-great-plan-of-redemption?lang=eng

Pay special attention to the following paragraph:

When we have sinned, Satan often tries to convince us that the unselfish thing to do is to protect others from the devastation of the knowledge of our sins, including avoiding confessing to our bishop, who can bless our lives through his priesthood keys as a common judge in Israel. The truth, however, is that the unselfish and Christlike thing to do is to confess and repent. This is Heavenly Father’s great plan of redemption.

Please do not fall for the self-deception that it's somehow more honorable to bury your guilt and sin than to face the music. The good, right, brave thing to do is to stand up, admit your actions, and do what is needed to stand clean before the Lord. Please go talk to your bishop immediately. Tomorrow. Yes, he's a friend, but he's more likely to be concerned about you than disappointed in you. Same with your stake president.

Please let us know how it goes. You will feel better, and you will be doing the honorable and courageous thing. In the long run, and frankly in the short run, it will be far better for everyone.

[JohnsonJones]

That's a hard question.  Unfortunately, many times it depends on what your stake and ward leadership is like.  I've seen people do things that one Stake High Council might excommunicate, while another completely forgives the person.  In some instances depends on the Stake, and the leaderships opinions therein which can vary, unfortunately.

That said, there are VERY FEW ways to guarantee one would be excommunicated.  In fact, it would take a high amount of knowledge, and a high placement of authority, as well as some pretty bad criminal acts that were done with full knowledge and desire to actually KNOW one would be excommunicated for them.  Were you a High Counselor who was doing a nightshift as a hitman for the Mob or something?  From the way you wrote what you have been doing, it would seem that isn't the type of thing you'd necessarily been involved in.

There are things some people think will automatically get them excommunicated these days, but that isn't necessarily true.  The Council is supposed to be very sympathetic.  I've known of people that were literally writing things against the church and fighting against it that were not automatically excommunicated.  The first step is to see if they have a repentant attitude, and wish to strive to be forgiven.  Then, it is dependent on what they knew already, what authority they had, and what blessings they have experienced in their lives.  Most of those who were willing to repent normally did not get excommunicated.  Sometimes it wasn't even being willing to repent, so much as simply stopping what they were doing.  Most of the things that would be guaranteed to get one excommunicated normally involves something that would send someone to prison for a very long time, or someone who had a lot of authority and blessings did something that was pretty bad in and of itself.  Even then, there are no guarantees of excommunication.

I'm saying this because I find it hard to believe that you have been involved with a life as bad as you say with how you also pair with it with saying you have defended human decency and such.

Now, if I put myself in something similar, I personally cannot see myself as going around committing pre-meditated murder all the time.  I literally cannot see myself in a situation where I would be guaranteed excommunication.  However, let's say I was involved with something like that.  The first thing I would do in a life of crime is to try to find a LOT of money that I could live off of for the rest of my life, quickly.  I would invest it in a swiss bank account, or if I wanted to be certain, one beyond the US reach.  I would then find a non-extradition country I could run too before the law could catch up to me and live out my days as a third party national.

However, as I said, in all honesty, I cannot see myself in that situation.  I'll present a completely hypothetical situation, unrealistic as some may think it may be (and even if I think it may be a tad unrealistic, I'll paint it as grim as I can to hopefully explain what action I would take). 

Instead, let's say I was an alcoholic (I'm not, this is trying to put myself in the situation the OP is discussing).  I grew up with the Bishop and the Stake President.  They are unholy evil people that they will let their emotions and unrighteous opinions flavor their decisions instead of looking to the Lord.  They WANT an excuse to excommunicate me.  They hate my guts.  They will use the fact that I'm an alcoholic as a crowbar for leverage to bring me to a church court and excommunicate me.  It does not matter what I say in the matter, if they do it, it is a done deal, they hate me that much.

In that instance, if possible, I would move.

If possible, I'd move out of state, or province which they were located.  I'd move FAR away from them.

Then, I'd deal with my sins or anything else I may have to confess to.  I would move out of their jurisdiction.  That does NOT excuse me for my sins, and any sins that needed to be confessed would STILL need to be confessed, but if the factor are those who hate me or dislike me, I'd move away as soon as possible to remove that factor from the equation.

 

Edited March 19, 2017 by JohnsonJones

[Guest]

I would be terrified of dying and losing my eternal reward. You can't get to the bishop fast enough. Let him guide you back to safety.

[Guest]

BTW, I have been close to a situation where someone was excommunicated, and no one but those he chose to tell knew it. His re-baptism was enormously confusing to people... but only those he chose to tell about the baptism. 

[lostalone]

I haven't murdered anybody or organised a crime ring haha. I'm a sole parent, the father of the child abandoned us and in trying to keep a roof over our heads and my son fed, I have engaged in regular prostitution (which in the country I am in, it is not a criminal act). My presidency would not want to excommunicate myself or anybody else out of spite. But they've shown such love for me that I know it will break their hearts. In being a sole parent in the church culture that we have here, I have had to fight a lot of bigotry and face a lot of loneliness. It's not an excuse, but it hardened my heart against the Church and the Lord, to the point that I was going, but feeling zero connection. No matter how hard I prayed and fasted there was nothing to help me help my son so I took matters into my own hands. It was a true act of extreme desperation borne out of feeling entirely cut off from the Lord, questioning if he was even there to hear me at all. And now I'm broken.

[Guest]

I'm so sorry lost. I can't imagine how this must be for you. I'm sorry you felt driven to it, and that you didn't receive the support you should have.

It sounds, though, like you have friends in your bishop and stake president, and that they are probably good men. I've heard so many times that we would be shocked to know the things they deal with. I don't know they would be shocked, but I imagine they would be deeply sad; not because of any sin you've committed, but because of your desperate situation and now the spiritual bondage you're feeling. 

Please seek their help, and if you can't get help from them, reach out to your area authority. We are meant to mourn and comfort together, and to help bear one another's burdens. Give them the chance. 

[Vort]

Lost, I am not at all sure you will be excommunicated. I think you very well may not be. But even if you are, embrace it. You are coming to Christ. If that's a step you have to take, be brave and take it.

Please talk to your bishop tomorrow. And if you are willing, I would love to hear back from you tomorrow how things went. I feel sure you will be pleasantly surprised.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Lost, the Lord loves you.  Sometimes circumstances in this life make it difficult to feel that love.  Please know that His hand is outstretched still.  As the others have said, yes, go to your Bishop.  I also don't know if you will be excommunicated or not, but whatever happens you will be on the path toward having more peace and the Spirit in your life.  Whatever you need to do will be worth it.

Too often we think of excommunication as a punishment.  It really isn't though. If that step is taken, it is to help you get a fresh start.  If it is not, then you also have a fresh start.  Either way, going to the Bishop can only be good.  Please do it.  The Lord loves you and the desire you have to talk to the Bishop is evidence of Him reaching out to you.  
 

[JohnsonJones]

1 hour ago, lostalone said:

I haven't murdered anybody or organised a crime ring haha. I'm a sole parent, the father of the child abandoned us and in trying to keep a roof over our heads and my son fed, I have engaged in regular prostitution (which in the country I am in, it is not a criminal act). My presidency would not want to excommunicate myself or anybody else out of spite. But they've shown such love for me that I know it will break their hearts. In being a sole parent in the church culture that we have here, I have had to fight a lot of bigotry and face a lot of loneliness. It's not an excuse, but it hardened my heart against the Church and the Lord, to the point that I was going, but feeling zero connection. No matter how hard I prayed and fasted there was nothing to help me help my son so I took matters into my own hands. It was a true act of extreme desperation borne out of feeling entirely cut off from the Lord, questioning if he was even there to hear me at all. And now I'm broken.

That helps a lot with understanding where you are coming from.  I agree, this is HIGHLY dependent on the Bishop and perhaps the Stake Presidency.  Leadership differs from person to person, and what one may do, another would disagree with.  I will be honest.  I know Bishops that would push for excommunication in your case.  I know Stake Presidents that would back them up.

If they dislike you (as you implied previously) already, or have grudges or a hard attitude, you are also correct, it could increase your chances of punishment and excommunication.  I would hope that this is not the case though, and that there is no dislike there. 

That said, what you did is not necessarily something people get excommunicated for.  Normally, in my experience, the excommunication comes from someone who is unrepentant about such things.  If it is merely embarrassment on your part, they (Bishop and Stake President) have probably heard FAR worse over their days.  If you haven't heard them talking about others in situations similar or worse, most likely they will never speak a word about what you tell them.

I, PERSONALLY, would not agree with a decision to excommunicate if what you've said is accurate.  The first thing I would probably look at is if the person is repentant.  Are they still doing the sin, are they sorrowful, do they wish to repent?  If they fall under these qualifications, I think great mercy is to be had. 

Some miss the goal of repentance and instead feel punishment is in order.  I look at confession and church courts more as trying to aid that person in their path to repentance.  There are many Bishops and other leaders that also feel this way.  If you are repentant, I also know Bishops that would try to help you progress and advance in finding the spirit and gaining a better testimony.  That would be far more important than imposing any sort of punishment.  At most, they may ask you to not say prayers, or giving talks in meetings or things like that, but still saying personal prayers, attending and learning at church until you have gained a personal feeling of forgiveness of the spirit, or barring that, a certain amount of time has passed.

The bigger issue that I would hope is that if your circumstances are as desperate as they sound, that the Bishops would remember that we are supposed to be Christlike and do all they could to help you out into a better situation and position in life.  To me, helping the unfortunate is FAR more important in this instance than any condemnation of a sin they did out of desperation to try to escape the situation.

I would say you probably will eventually need to come clean about this.  You may need to face the results of this some time.  It is possible that some people already are aware of this already, even if you do not know.  It may even be possible the Bishop already knows.  I would say, sometime you will probably end up needing to face this and probably confess.

I am not your Bishop, and I cannot rightly say how your Bishop will respond or act.  I would hope mercifully, but I cannot say one way or the other what the result would be. 

I am not in your leadership, and cannot know how they would react.  Once again I would hope, mercifully and with great sympathy and understanding, but I do not know.

What you ask is out of our purview to answer.  We are not those who you would confess too, and do not have the guidance of the spirit to help us tell you what the proper course of action would be when you confess.  I would hope your Bishop would, but once again, I cannot advise you on which path you should take, only that sooner or later, this is an issue you probably will need to address.

I feel great sympathy and sorrow that you had these events happen to you and the desperation you must have felt when faced with what must be overwhelming obstacles in your life. 

If anything, we should be inspired by the Life of the Lord and his great mercy.  Several stories come to mind, the first from Luke chapter 7 verses 36-50

Quote

44  And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.

45 Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.

46 My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.

47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

48 And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.

49 And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also?

50 And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace.

and another from John 8

Quote

3.And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

4 They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

8 And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

I hope you can find the peace you desire, that you can find hope in your life, and that the Lord will bless you with a good way to provide for you and your child.  I hope that in some little way, perhaps you can find inspiration to seek forgiveness from the words of the New Testament that I posted above, or if nothing else, it at least gives you hope by seeing the great mercy the Lord has for you and for all of us.

Edited March 19, 2017 by JohnsonJones
clarifications

[lostalone]

A big part of the problem is that I just don't know where I stand with God anymore. I felt so completely abandoned. There were many times I couldn't find it within myself to believe in him at all. There were other times that I did believe in him but I hated him. Just another man in my life I had been abandoned by and had betrayed me. I was sexually abused as a child by my father. I was domestically assaulted by my ex husband who a year of that left me for another woman. My son's father demanded I get an abortion or he'd leave, so I showed him the door and never saw him or heard from him again over the past five years. I've been a victim of rape. I have found it very hard to place any trust in another man, be he an all loving Father in Heaven or not. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Mother in Heaven, that she would be able to understand; instead of having to put myself at the mercy of a man, of a council of men even... for me it's terrifying and it's so incredibly hard. Why should I trust these people with my soul when it's so fragile as it is, when men have betrayed me at every turn.

I know it would take a massive act of humility and trust on my part but I don't know if I have that in me anymore and I think that will probably work against me.

[Guest MormonGator]

5 hours ago, lostalone said:

A big part of the problem is that I just don't know where I stand with God anymore. I felt so completely abandoned. There were many times I couldn't find it within myself to believe in him at all. There were other times that I did believe in him but I hated him. Just another man in my life I had been abandoned by and had betrayed me. I was sexually abused as a child by my father. I was domestically assaulted by my ex husband who a year of that left me for another woman. My son's father demanded I get an abortion or he'd leave, so I showed him the door and never saw him or heard from him again over the past five years. I've been a victim of rape. I have found it very hard to place any trust in another man, be he an all loving Father in Heaven or not. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Mother in Heaven, that she would be able to understand; instead of having to put myself at the mercy of a man, of a council of men even... for me it's terrifying and it's so incredibly hard. Why should I trust these people with my soul when it's so fragile as it is, when men have betrayed me at every turn.

I know it would take a massive act of humility and trust on my part but I don't know if I have that in me anymore and I think that will probably work against me.

@lostalone-I have no advice for you, but I want you to know God loves you and is always, always, always ready to forgive and forget, no matter what the sin might be. You are beautiful and loved by Him. 

Prayers and a hug your way. 

[zil]

Please, go see the bishop.  I know it will take an incredible amount of humility to do that, but please do it anyway.  Re-read the first responses to your post, and the referenced talk - Satan is trying very, very hard to trick you.  He wants you to be miserable.  Don't let him win.

10 hours ago, lostalone said:

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Mother in Heaven, that she would be able to understand; instead of having to put myself at the mercy of a man, of a council of men even.

I personally have no doubt whatsoever that She knows what's going on in your life, and that any counsel She may have for you will make it to you through the channel by which mortals receive revelation from God - the Holy Spirit.

Please don't delay - the longer you delay, the harder it will be.

Edited March 19, 2017 by zil

[Sunday21]

Hi. I was really nervous about going to see the bishop when I returned to the church. Basically, he yawned! Seriously, if you are sorry not defiant, it will be easier than you think! Go on, make the call. It's like going to the dentist, you will be so relieved when you leave! Hugs! 

[askandanswer]

Sister Reeves, in her October General Conference address last year addressed exactly the way you are feeling right now, Here is part of what she said, I strong recommend you read her whole talk here,

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/the-great-plan-of-redemption?lang=eng

I’m aware of a man who was involved in moral transgressions several years ago. For some time, this man felt too ashamed and too worried to approach his wife and his priesthood leaders. He wanted to fully repent but actually expressed that he was willing to give up his own eternal salvation rather than put his spouse and children through the sorrow, shame, or other consequences that might be caused by his confession.

When we have sinned, Satan often tries to convince us that the unselfish thing to do is to protect others from the devastation of the knowledge of our sins, including avoiding confessing to our bishop, who can bless our lives through his priesthood keys as a common judge in Israel. The truth, however, is that the unselfish and Christlike thing to do is to confess and repent. This is Heavenly Father’s great plan of redemption.

Finally, this dear man confessed to his faithful wife and his Church leaders, expressing deep remorse. Though it was the most difficult thing he had ever done, feelings of relief, peace, gratitude, love for our Savior, and a knowledge that the Lord was lifting his heavy burden and carrying him caused joy beyond expression, regardless of the outcome and his future.

He had been certain that his wife and children would be devastated—and they were; and that there would be disciplinary action and a release from his calling—and there was. He was certain that his wife would be brokenhearted, hurt, and angry—and she was. And he was convinced that she would leave, taking the children with her—but she didn’t.

Sometimes serious transgression leads to divorce, and depending on circumstances, that might be necessary. But to this man’s amazement, his wife embraced him and dedicated herself to helping him in any way that she could. Over time, she was able to fully forgive him. She had felt the healing power of the Savior’s Atonement for her. Years later, this couple and their three children are strong and faithful. The husband and wife serve in the temple and have a wonderful, loving marriage. The depth of this man’s testimony and his love and gratitude for the Savior are so evident in his life.

 

[jewels8]

I am so sorry to hear how you have been hurt by men.  You are not alone.  Unfortunately, too many women have been abused, etc by men.  I can understand it would be hard to trust in the Savior and Heavenly Father.  Your feelings are valid & justified.  I think that they would understand that.  Trust takes time.  Healing takes time.  Your Heavenly Parents love you in a appropriate, tender way.  Have you ever had a man be nice to you, be a righteous example?  I want you to know that it is possible.  But maybe you may want to talk to the RS Pres or another woman you can trust first, and then maybe ease into seeing the bishop.  If you can get another kind of a job or job skills to get a job that will help you heal, I think the bishop can help with that.  He has resources for that.  Not only can you repent, but you can find hope.  Try cultivating the goodness that is around you or to see it better, in regards to your situation.  Many women feel this way, there may even be a support group or a female friend who can help, as well.  Bless you!

[jewels8]

P.S. I don't know if you have had any help in this regard before, but bishops can also cover costs for counseling to help with what you have gone through in your life, and even if its hard, you can get to a point where you can pray and I imagine not only he hears our prayers, but your Mother in Heaven is aware of your situation and loves you, and even if you go through the Father to communicate, she can be made aware.  I heard once a spiritual experience.  I don't remember all the details.  But it is very sacred and I wouldn't always share, but it came to mind. This girl or teen was put in a situation where she was into prostittuion against her will, I think one of her parents may have instigated it, but i'm not sure of the details.  I know it sounds horrible, and yet it happens, but one day the Savior will make all of this done away.  And some people are trying to stop it.  Our Heavenly Father weeps over how some of his daughters are treated.  This girl had come home, I guess, after having to go through this, and she was crying.  She was broken.  She was hurt.  And Heavenly Mother came to her, and gently bathed and helped her.  I am crying for you and all the woman like you.  I was abused to, but not more than a few moments, and not from a relative, but I know it happens.  And sometimes I have not wanted to trust some men either.  I have a sweet husband, etc,  And I hope that you can feel good and whole and truly loved unconditionally by Him.  I am so sorry you went through this.  I know that one day, all this evil against women will be no more.  Have hope, hold on, have faith.  The light will come.  There is support and help for you.

[person0]

On 3/19/2017 at 4:54 AM, lostalone said:

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Mother in Heaven, that she would be able to understand. . .

I know this isn't your primary issue, however, since other people have already given you excellent advice I will first address this.

Feel free take comfort in knowing that Heavenly Mother would do exactly the same thing as Heavenly Father.  Her response would literally be 100% equivalent.  They are one.  There is nothing she would understand or say or do that he will not also understand and say and do.  When you speak to Heavenly Father it is already the same as if you were speaking to Her, just like it would be the same response if you were speaking directly to Christ.  The thought may comfort you to know that she is 100% cognizant of all your prayers and thoughts as is He (and she is); however, Heavenly Father is God, it is his responsibility to receive our prayers and our responsibility to pray to Him and also to follow His commandments as have been given through Christ and the apostles and prophets both new and old.

In regard to your primary concern:  If you were to end up somewhere other than the celestial kingdom and all the people you know and helped were to make it to the celestial kingdom, do you think that they would not take a moment to look at you and wonder why the heck you didn't just repent so you would at least have a chance to be there with them?  I would presume that if you have had a meaningful impact on their lives they would be much more grateful that you repented than if you didn't.  Especially considering all the people you have known in your pre-mortal life who also are rooting for you to rejoin with them.  There are multitudes who want you to repent, not just Heavenly Father and Christ.  I presume your righteously reared child also will want this of you in the long run.  You will break more hearts by not repenting than you could possibly break by repenting.  For all we know, you and I were great friends in the pre-mortal life!    I will be so mad if you aren't there to hang out in the celestial kingdom with all the rest of us.    So repent for everyone's sake, especially your own!

Sincerely,
Your Brother (and possibly one of your pre-mortal best friends) - Person0

[askandanswer]

On 3/19/2017 at 3:25 PM, lostalone said:

Please, please, no judgement. 

What would you do if you had been living your life in a way over the past three years that you knew would get you excommunicated.

I'm too ashamed to talk to my Bishop and Stake President. I know them too well as friends and can't bear to see the shock and disappointment in their eyes. I've never been particular liked or accepted at church either, and I know getting excommunicated will result in everyone looking at me and thinking they were right all along, as I've always been the type to stand up for human rights and decency in the face of towing the line. Everything I have stood for will be crushed, everything good I have done will be questioned, and I feel me coming forward will hurt more people than it would help. It will only help me. I wonder if maybe sacrificing my place in the celestial kingdom permanently is better than letting the good works I have done be undone just because I feel bad.

I would rather turn my life around quietly, and try my best, knowing that the best I can hope for is maybe terrestrial glory than see the people I have helped and work I have done be turned to dust by my confessions. Isn't it selfish to confess to save myself when so many others will be hurt by doing so?

I haven't read all of the posts so I don't know what your current situation is or if you have or have not yet said anything to your bishop or Stake President. If you haven't, and if you are still delaying this essential step in your progression and repentance, then may I suggest that you write out your confession, in full, in detail, in all sincerity, and email it to one or both of them. The last line of your letter should say something like "Please ask your executive secretary to call me so we can make an appointment so I can tell you this face to face." If you write it all and send it to them prior to actually meeting with them, then by the time you actually meet with them they will already know the full details, and you need not be concerned about seeing any signs of shock or disappointment. I expect that all you would see would be love, care, compassion and concern. 

Edited July 9, 2017 by askandanswer