Continuation of my last post---He's HOME.

[alilc]

Well, I totally understand that you need to give missionaries some time after they get home to adjust to normal life again. Its been close to a week and he posts on Instagram, but won't reply to my Instagram DM (direct message). My mutual "friend" (i use the finger air quotes because I do not think she has the best intentions of being my friend. She wants to tear him an I apart as friends)  with him and I were talking and she said "Oh yeah, we've been messaging but he is taking it slow." And I totally get that, but then she said "Maybe you should just forget him." She literally said I should forget I ever knew him. I have emailed this guy for 2 years and known him for an additional year before the mission (Though we have not met) I can't forget him because he has helped me through SOOOO much. I have been overthinking and now I am under the impression he does not want to talk to me ever again. I know this isn't a big deal, but I guess my mind is going crazy because I know my message is in his inbox, but he is not replying, but Is to others. Any comfort or advice? I have prayed for help to just distract myself and not think about it, but, It is not working so well. 

[Jane_Doe]

Advice?  As you pointed out, you're very much overthinking this.  Relax.  Find a distraction if you need to.

FWIW: when my sisters all got home from their missions, I think each one of them slept for like a week solid.  

[seashmore]

Clearly he was a big part of your life, so forgetting about him entirely isn't what I would suggest. What I would suggest, however, is forgetting about a future with him. You may have to get tough with yourself and say: why would I want to spend time with someone who can so easily set me aside? Put yourself in what I call "reply-only mode." Don't initiate any more contact with him, but keep an open mind and an open heart if he reaches out.

Best of luck.

[anatess2]

@seashmore has the wisdom of Master Yoda..  You can't control what other people do, you can only control how you react to them.

Okay, you're 17, right?  So you're in that teen-age wide-eyed romanticism phase in your life.  We - well, at least the girls, dunno if the boys have the same - have that special someone that inspires us to wake up every morning and be excited for the day.  I've had mine too.  Some call it Crushes (seems like such a trivial word for it) others call it First Love, etc.  And you know what they say - First love never dies.  There's a reason for that.  These inspirational people in our lives is a pivotal person that shapes who we become.  A lot of girls look at the biggest jerk in school as that Love-interest because they look at themselves as the one girl that can save this bad boy.  Other girls look at the most popular guy in school as that Love-interest because they see this person as the one that can save them.  Then there are the girls who are more serious about their Love-interest seeing a future family with them.  All this is normal.

Now, at my mature age of... well, a few decades more than you ... I look back at my inspirational guy with fondness at how just waking up and looking forward to talking to him in school, walking together, cheering for him in sports, helping him with homework, etc. has brightened my day and shaped the woman I have become.  So yeah, when I was 15, I was set to marry the guy and have 6 beautiful children with him in our big mansion... of course, I was just this girl in school to him.  So, I grew up, but still a teen, got myself a boyfriend who I then said I'd marry and have 6 beautiful children with.. of course, we grew up some more and his idea of a future is different than mine so that didn't work out too well.... until finally, I was 26 years old and met my now husband.

I didn't forget my "loves" of my younger years.  Of course not.  They're a part of my life and shaped who I became.  We're actually still great friends until today.  Yes, including that cute guy when I was 15 who let me down very gently (he's a super guy through and through)... and the boyfriend that I broke up with not too gently (another super guy up to today)... both these guys helped prepare me for when I finally met my husband.  So, letting go of the "preparation guys" is just another part of growing up.

So, this is what I tell my 2 teen-age sons -  I want you both to go out there and be an inspiration to someone!  Be the popular kid.  Be the kid every girl has a crush on.  Be the guy that the boys want to hang out with.  Inspire them and make their day just that much brighter so they look forward to waking up in the morning and going to school so they can talk to you and walk with you and talk about homework or your favorite bands.  Be the light that helps shape them to the person they will become.  Because, that girl who starts to dream about raising 6 children with you in your mansion will be the better for that experience... IF you boys are upstanding and super young men.

But, that's just me.

 

Edited May 31, 2017 by anatess2

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Do what you feel in your heart is right, what you'll be comfortable living with 5, 10, 20 years from now.  If it is supposed to work out it will, if not then something better is ahead.

[Guest]

Ah yes, the experience of liking someone (romantically) more than they like you.  Been there, done that.  Most Mormons I know have also had this experience at least once before finding their eternal companion.

In my case, a few months after getting home from my mission I went on two dates with a girl who had a lot of the same interests that I had, who I considered to be a good friend, and who I had recently found out apparently very much liked me.  I assumed she could be a really good match, as did everyone who was encouraging us to get together.  Well, our relationship lasted less than two weeks.  At some point, she apparently decided, for reasons still not entirely clear to me, that she was "above" me.  She dumped me by e-mail, with very little explanation (very hurtful, considering the fact I previously considered her to be a pretty good friend). 

Needless to say, I was surprised and hurt.  I reacted in a mature manner and smashed a Guns 'n' Roses mixtape she made me with a hammer.  In fact, she ruined Guns 'n' Roses for me for something like five or six years!  After smashing the mixtape with a hammer, I binged on Chinese food and death metal music, then came to realize I was probably better off without this girl (our friendship did not survive the fiasco).  Thank goodness I didn't waste my first kiss on her!

What happened next was actually kind of funny.  There was this girl who had watched this whole fiasco unfold.  A couple of months after all of this happened, she started to approach me, and talk with me, and stuff like that, and we started hanging out together a bit.  Well, one thing led to another.  Today, we are happily married in the temple.

So yeah, sometimes in the singles ward, you experience wild, weird reversals in fortune with your dating life.  These changes don't have any explanation, they just kind of happen, and they happen to just about everyone, no matter how pretty or smart or talented you are.  It doesn't feel good when they happen, but you really will look back at all of this someday and laugh, so why not laugh about it now?  Hang in there!

Edited May 31, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Guest MormonGator]

13 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

.  In fact, she ruined Guns 'n' Roses for me for something like five or six years!  

It's funny how music does that, isn't it? After a bad break up I couldn't listen to certain songs for years either. 

[Guest]

@alilcHere's how I see it.

1. The reality is that you're way into him.  True?  Of course it is.
2. There is no such thing as "the one".  Prophets and apostles have told us that it is a myth to believe that there is "only one" person out there that you're "meant to be with".  Sure, the hopeless or hopeful romantic in each of us likes to think of it that way, but it is not reality.  True?  Of course it is.
3. Now, you're partially thinking he may be the one.  Part of you wants to be more practical and think, "Hey, I'm only 17.  What are the chances that I've already met the guy?"  But you still think he might be.  You even HOPE he might be.  True?  Of course.
4. REALITY: You're actually fearful that you've just spent about three years of your life being emotionally involved with someone who may or may not continue to be a part of your life.  That's a pretty big investment to go down the tubes.

Here's some truth: In every one of our lives, there are so many faces that come in and out of our lives, we simply can't be tear-stricken with each of them.  Life is a series of hellos and good-byes.  It may be time for good-bye again.  But it may not.  Are you going to hold your breath for the outcome?  Or are you going to simply live?

You've been talking with this guy since you were 14.  Have you even gone out on dates with other guys?  You've been of dating age for almost two years.  Whaddup?  Never, in all that time, did you find anyone who even made you smile?  That you could see was honoring his priesthood?  Maybe you were in low-density Mormonville, so there weren't many priesthood holders to date.  But you could have dated to see what traits you cared about in the men in your life.  Did you take advantage of these opportunities?  Try it.

Please understand that the last three years have not been in vain.  The time you spent writing to him and he writing to you strengthened you.  You grew as a result of that relationship.  That will always be a part of you and you have not wasted that time.  But you have your life.  So live it.

If, as you're living your life, he decides to make contact again, then great.  Have a go.  But as young as you are, just don't get too heartbroken over just one guy.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

4 hours ago, MormonGator said:

It's funny how music does that, isn't it? After a bad break up I couldn't listen to certain songs for years either. 

When I was 13 or 14 got a crush on a girl.  I was too much a coward to say anything but she caught on and told me in no uncertain terms to get lost.  This song got me through the heartbreak.

 

[Sunday21]

This song helped me get over a crush on someone who I now realize would have been a terrible husband

 

[Sunday21]

Unless you marry fairly young or your name I s Brigham Young, you will have more heartaches than successes.

You can't marry every guy you have a crush on, unless your name is Elizabeth Taylor.

So your heart is going to take some bruising. I broke up with someone who I realize now was at the very least had psychological issues if not a full blown personality disorder. I took to the gym. Try not to hurt yourself at the gym! Easy when you are burning off misery. A couple of nights with Ben & Jerry's may be in order. 

Suggestion: a week of wallowing. Breakup songs & break up movies/tv shows. Then hit the gym and get on with life. A visit to the temple makes most things better. Often I go to the temple feeling mad, sad, anxious, depressed. By the time I get to the celestial room, I can't even remember what I was going to discuss with Heavenly Father! Reality and perspective can often be found in the Celestial room. The Celestial room helps us to see reality more clearly.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Sunday21

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

When I was 13 or 14 got a crush on a girl.  I was too much a coward to say anything but she caught on and told me in no uncertain terms to get lost.  This song got me through the heartbreak.

And here I was just singing Pat Benetar's "We Belong" with my kids the other day.

[zil]

59 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

And here I was just singing Pat Benetar's "We Belong" with my kids the other day.

"Pat Benatar" brings up memories of those little LP-shaped bubble gums with the lyrics of a song on the inside.  We used to read them while imitating our English teacher's voice.  It was hilarious at the time.

[mordorbund]

16 hours ago, Carborendum said:

 Life is a series of hellos and good-byes.  It may be time for good-bye again.

They say there's a heaven for those who wait. Some say it's better but I say it ain't.

[Guest MormonGator]

28 minutes ago, mordorbund said:

They say there's a heaven for those who wait. Some say it's better but I say it ain't.

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints." I love that song, even though the message is a little mixed. 

[Guest]

49 minutes ago, mordorbund said:

They say there's a heaven for those who wait. Some say it's better but I say it ain't.

What can I say?  I've declared I'm a fan several times on this forum.

[askandanswer]

Thanks for the update alilc, I had been wondering how things were going.

I'm suggesting a different approach. If you say goodbye at this point and let things go, it's likely that you will have to live with uncertainty and maybe some doubt for a long time. It might end up being a long long time before you finally find out why things are happening the way they are so far, and perhaps you might never find out. I think that in cases like this, certainty is better than uncertainty, and the only way to get that certainty is to talk with him, rather than trying to make guesses based only on the fact that he hasn't replied to your instagram message. So I suggest that before making any decision about the future of the relationship, that you talk with him directly. Use your phone or skype, or facetime or whatever, but I really think you need to talk with him directly rather than making guesses and assumptions. If it looks like is is over, you want to be able to walk away knowing that you did more than just send him an instagram message.

And if it does end, well you'll soon be moving back to Utah and that will bring a whole bunch of opportunities to meet new people. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

3 hours ago, askandanswer said:

 I think that in cases like this, certainty is better than uncertainty, and the only way to get that certainty is to talk with him, rather than trying to make guesses based only on the fact that he hasn't replied to your instagram message. So I suggest that before making any decision about the future of the relationship, that you talk with him directly. Use your phone or skype, or facetime or whatever, but I really think you need to talk with him directly rather than making guesses and assumptions.

Yes, it can be hard to live the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you directly talked with him about it.