TheLizardofOZ

Going through an incredibly difficult trial.

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Hi, 

I'm new here but I thought that perhaps someone out there would be able to share some advice on a difficult trial I'm currently going through. 

It's a long story; It began when I first met my girlfriend who lived in Utah while I lived in Australia. I met her through the internet while looking for someone to help me with a project I was working on. Over the months of working together and I talking every day we confessed our feelings towards each other and we're together since. I wasn't a member at the time but I was investigating after she shared some information about the church with me. 

It got to the mid year and I decided to head over to Utah to meet her in person. It was even better than I hoped it could be. My trip was cut short due to a family medical emergency but I knew that I would be back. Sure enough, come the end of the year, I was back in Utah and stayed for a few months this time. It was the best Christmas I've had. I was baptised in the church and the happiest I had been in a long, long time. 

I knew after much prayer, reading and discussion, that she was the one I wanted to spend eternity with. During the course of 2017, I worked hard to set myself up in order to make that goal a reality. 

Unfortunately I lost my job a few weeks before my intended leaving date. Immediately following that I lost the majority of my savings. Despite these difficulties, I persevered and headed back to the US with the intention of asking her to marry me. 

During the course of the visit, I became depressed at my personal situation as it suddenly hit me that I had lost nearly all of the finances I had. This affected my attitude and I was often quiet and spaced out. It put a great deal of pressure on my girlfriend and I was not fully aware of it. 

It gets worse though; come the new year, my ex-girlfriend contacted my girlfriend and her family and proceeded to spend the next few days slandering me with the full intention of causing me great pain. I won't go into the exact specifics here, but suffice to say they were ridiculous lies and incredibly hurtful. 

What's happened now is my girlfriend is trying to work through this situation herself, giving herself space. I've returned to Australia to clear my name (which has been positive) and to organise myself. 

It's been incredibly hard for me emotionally for the past month. I've lost the most important person in my life and it is just killing me. She asked me to fight for her and be worthy of her. I know there's still a chance for us but I am just barely hanging on right now. 

If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. I'm happy to provide more detail if needed.

Thank you for your time. 

Kindest regards, 

M.

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Why on earth would you fight for and strive to be worthy of someone who did all that crap to you? Ok - reality check.   You don't have a healthy outlook on what it takes to decide on whom to marry.  You have a big problem, my friend, and you need to fix you.  Meeting someone on the internet, and believing you "know" after spending a few months with her that she's the one?  You "know" no such thing.  You need better ways to find "the most important person in your life".

Here's advice - stop contacting her - that train wreck is just going to keep happening.  Figure out if you became Mormon for her, or if you did it because you actually believe and decided to become a disciple of Christ.   Find someone in Australia to marry.

Edited by NeuroTypical

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11 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Why on earth would you fight for and strive to be worthy of someone who did all that crap to you? Ok - reality check.   You don't have a healthy outlook on what it takes to decide on whom to marry.  You have a big problem, my friend, and you need to fix you.  Meeting someone on the internet, and believing you "know" after spending a few months with her that she's the one?  You "know" no such thing.  You need better ways to find "the most important person in your life".

Here's advice - stop contacting her - that train wreck is just going to keep happening.  Figure out if you became Mormon for her, or if you did it because you actually believe and decided to become a disciple of Christ.   Find someone in Australia to marry.

I personally don't agree with this.

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Hi guys, 

 

Sorry maybe it was a little unclear, but the toxic person is not my current girlfriend but my ex from Australia. I did not join the church for her, that was a decision I made on my own. 

My current girlfriend is amazing, I just have been having difficulty processing the hard time I've been going through. 

Tldr: my ex girlfriend (C) caused the damage to me and my current girlfriend (T). 

And thank you Jane Doe. Any other advice? 

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@TheLizardofOZ welcome to the forum!  (Cool handle by the way).

Long-distance met-on-line relationships are tough even without the extra drama.  I'm sorry.  *hugs*

With any relationship, you want to go in with both eyes open.  This is especially true with long-distance, met-on-line, and cross-cultural ones.  So deep breath, take you time.  If this relationship is Christ's will, then follow Him and it'll happen when He says it's the time.  

Practical advice for right now: be the best disciple of Christ you can be.  Be honest, trustworthy, and strengthen your with Christ.  You need to stand with Him before you can stand with Him+her.  

Practical advice for when your lady friend is done with her "me" time: pre-martial counseling.  I recommend it to all!  It's really good for making sure you're on the same page about things, you've talked about everything, and keeping your eyes open. 

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7 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

@TheLizardofOZ welcome to the forum!  (Cool handle by the way).

Long-distance met-on-line relationships are tough even without the extra drama.  I'm sorry.  *hugs*

With any relationship, you want to go in with both eyes open.  This is especially true with long-distance, met-on-line, and cross-cultural ones.  So deep breath, take you time.  If this relationship is Christ's will, then follow Him and it'll happen when He says it's the time.  

Practical advice for right now: be the best disciple of Christ you can be.  Be honest, trustworthy, and strengthen your with Christ.  You need to stand with Him before you can stand with Him+her.  

Practical advice for when your lady friend is done with her "me" time: pre-martial counseling.  I recommend it to all!  It's really good for making sure you're on the same page about things, you've talked about everything, and keeping your eyes open. 

Thank you Jane Doe, 

In all honesty the distance never caused any problems. Everything was perfect until my ex (C) made her spiteful attack. 

I can easily say that during this time I've been continuing to get more involved in the church and activities. It has been helpful. 

The part I've been struggling with the most is the uncertainty. I want her to take the time for herself, but I'm unsure if I should make the first move to contact her. It has been about 3.5 weeks since I've had any correspondence from her. I made the effort and sent her a hand made gift to her for Valentines Day next week, and I want to call her and wish her well. I'm just unsure if I should or not. It's very difficult for me and despite the fact that I've been I've been attentive, devoted and hard-working over the past two years, I feel as if none of those actions are being valued during this period. 

Again, thank you for the advice. 

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18 minutes ago, TheLizardofOZ said:

In all honesty the distance never caused any problems.

Even if it doesn't directly cause problems, distance still causes... (I'm looking for the words)... there's something you learn about a person when you see them after they haven't slept, gotten yelled out by their boss, nearly in a traffic accident, and generally had a wreck of a day.  It just gives a different perspective.  

18 minutes ago, TheLizardofOZ said:

I can easily say that during this time I've been continuing to get more involved in the church and activities. It has been helpful. 

Yeah!

18 minutes ago, TheLizardofOZ said:

The part I've been struggling with the most is the uncertainty. I want her to take the time for herself, but I'm unsure if I should make the first move to contact her. It has been about 3.5 weeks since I've had any correspondence from her. I made the effort and sent her a hand made gift to her for Valentines Day next week, and I want to call her and wish her well. I'm just unsure if I should or not. It's very difficult for me and despite the fact that I've been I've been attentive, devoted and hard-working over the past two years, I feel as if none of those actions are being valued during this period. 

I get that.  It sucks.  I'm sorry...don't have a magical answer.  But am hear to listen for you.

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1 hour ago, TheLizardofOZ said:

It has been about 3.5 weeks since I've had any correspondence from her.

IMO, it's ok to contact her, but without pressure - tell her you're working on spiritual matters, you still feel the same, and want her to know that you'll wait as she takes the time she needs.

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48 minutes ago, BeNotDeceived said:

 

1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

Even if it doesn't directly cause problems, distance still causes... (I'm looking for the words)... there's something you learn about a person when you see them after they haven't slept, gotten yelled out by their boss, nearly in a traffic accident, and generally had a wreck of a day.  It just gives a different perspective.  

Yeah!

I get that.  It sucks.  I'm sorry...don't have a magical answer.  But am hear to listen for you.

I know :) she honestly saw me at my best and worst on more than one occasion and it was always supportive. 

Haha thanks :) I don't expect a magical answer, just some guidance I guess? I've never once had any doubts about her and still don't. I'm just trying my best to fight for her because to me, she's worth all the effort in the world. 

48 minutes ago, BeNotDeceived said:

Why did you even tell ex girl fiend the identity of current girl friend, what were you thinking?

Just realized friend - r = fiend, fits where r = relationship.  

Hey mate, 

Funny thing is, I didn't tell her. My ex (C) tracked me down through Facebook (new/private account) and got all the contact information from there. 

25 minutes ago, zil said:

IMO, it's ok to contact her, but without pressure - tell her you're working on spiritual matters, you still feel the same, and want her to know that you'll wait as she takes the time she needs.

Thank you for the advice. Obviously I would hate to put pressure on her, which is one of the reasons Ive been apprehensive about contacting her. I don't want to do nothing and wish I had but I also don't want to be overbearing. I want her to have the space she needs because her happiness is what's most important. 

My therapist that has been helping me says that I deserve to at least have my voice heard. Many in the church have said that I should continue to show her how much she means to me and grow spiritually. I personally agree with this. 

In any case. If I contact her, it will be this week. Thank you for your time and advice. 

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M.,  You have been through a lot in a short time.  That is a lot to take so be patient with yourself.  It's understandable if you are feeling depressed or anxious.  

I've learned from abundant experience with difficult emotions, that trying to push them down or ignore them does not work.  Like mushrooms, these emotions grow and multiply in the dark.  The best way to feel better is to work through your emotions.  Imagine yourself sitting on a park bench, allow your depressed feelings to come and sit next to you.  Just sit there with them.  Now, look up at the imaginary sky, a beautiful sky on a sunny day, and remember that these depressed feelings are not all there is.  You will feel better, but for now, sit on the bench with the difficult feelings.  

About your current girlfriend, I would suggest being patient.  Allow her to have her own park bench moment.  Try to rebuild the relationship.  

Stay prayerful.  Because of the Atonement, Christ knows exactly what you are feeling right now, and He can help you get through it.  He likely won't take it all away, but He'll be at your side, buoying you up.  Lean on Him. 

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Thank you LiterateParakeet. That's a great help and comforting to hear. I am definitely being patient and want her to have the space & time she needs. I still would like to call her later this week and wish her well for Valentines Day; as I promised that I would fight for her and I want to show her that I still feel the same way. But as has been said, there will be no pressure. 

Thank you.

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@TheLizardofOZ I don't want to sound too negative here but I think you are taking a HUGE risk. Right now, or in ten minutes, or in the next hour, a new friendship could start to develop, which could then turn into a relationship, and then your'e out in the cold. I believe that there are some in Utah who preach to single females that they should accept the first offer from any man worthy enough to bring them to the temple. This is perhaps not great advice, but I suspect there are some who believe it. So I wouldn't wait another second to contact her just to at least re-start communications. 

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2 minutes ago, askandanswer said:

@TheLizardofOZ I don't want to sound too negative here but I think you are taking a HUGE risk. Right now, or in ten minutes, or in the next hour, a new friendship could start to develop, which could then turn into a relationship, and then your'e out in the cold. I believe that there are some in Utah who preach to single females that they should accept the first offer from any man worthy enough to bring them to the temple. This is perhaps not great advice, but I suspect there are some who believe it. So I wouldn't wait another second to contact her just to at least re-start communications. 

Hi mate,

No I completely understand. The issue is that I know she took a big hit from all the terrible garbage that was dumped on us by my ex; and while I have that part of myself that is literally screaming at me to call her right now, I worry that if I contact her too quickly, that she might not have had enough time to heal so to speak.

A lot of dating websites and people have said it's best to wait 3-4 weeks before directly contacting her. I have been sending her handwritten letters once a week, as well as a hand made Valentine's Day gift that I made for her which I sent the week just gone. 

On the flip side my mother (who isn't a member of the church) has suggested just going back there and proposing to her. In sort of a really far out romantic gesture. I personally like the idea, as I know my girlfriend is a sucker for those sorts of things. But before I commit to a plan of that nature, I want to at least have an idea of how she feels towards me. Before I left, she said that she wanted to be together, and that I should fight for her if that's what I wanted. I asked her the same question and she said that she wanted that as well. 

Basically, I want her to have time to heal; but I know she is the one for me, based on all of the prayer that I have committed myself to over the past year and a bit. I don't want to come on too strong and make her uncomfortable (like being clingy or something) but I personally believe that I should listen to my heart and the spirit; which is what my bishop, elder's chorum president and even the stake president have said to me.

Thanks a lot, I appreciate the honesty. I prefer honest opinions over sugar coated ones.

Kindest regards,

M

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So your church leaders say listen to your heart and the spirit. Could it be that the part of you that is screaming at you to call her is your heart, and the part of you that is saying wait, give her time to heal, is your head, based on what you have gleaned from a study of dating websites? And which part did your church leaders say you should listen to?

As well as all the self-healing you are engaged in, I think that the most important thing to be doing right now, and I'm sure you are working on this, is rebuilding your financial savings. A healthy bank account will help to deal with a lot of practicalities that can sometimes become an obstacle to the development of a romantic relationship.

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54 minutes ago, askandanswer said:

So your church leaders say listen to your heart and the spirit. Could it be that the part of you that is screaming at you to call her is your heart, and the part of you that is saying wait, give her time to heal, is your head, based on what you have gleaned from a study of dating websites? And which part did your church leaders say you should listen to?

As well as all the self-healing you are engaged in, I think that the most important thing to be doing right now, and I'm sure you are working on this, is rebuilding your financial savings. A healthy bank account will help to deal with a lot of practicalities that can sometimes become an obstacle to the development of a romantic relationship.

Hey Mate,

I personally think you are right. Most of the "holding back" thoughts are related to my logical side telling me that I shouldn't risk it. But when I pray and talk about my feelings and listen to the spirit, I keep feeling like I should be doing something more. I understand that this isn't a "black & white" breakup, so the advice from the websites is to be taken with a grain of salt; I just really don't want to come across as "clingy" because that's not who I am. 

Regarding my self healing, I'm honestly impressed with myself. I have completely turned myself around and have been more active in the church, new job, organised my visa to move to Canada and have a healthy savings pile again. At the very least, the self reliance that had been taken from me in the months leading up has been restored even better than what it was before.

I'm going to call her, but I still want to wait for Valentine's day. I've organised her favorite flowers to be delivered to her work, along with balloons; as well as hand made a gift for her (See below). I know that I'm having a bit of anxiety about it and just want to call her right now, but do you think that it's best to wait until Valentine's Day like I've been thinking about? What's your opinion?

The other opinion I've had from my mother/parents has been to just fly over for a weekend and propose to her. Do something super romantic like out of a romantic comedy. I'm not sure if that would be the best option, but I do like the idea of flying over and taking her out on a date? Just showing her that I'm willing to travel all the way from Australia to the US just to take her out on a date I feel would be a really nice thing.

Thanks a lot, you've been giving me some great advice.

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Perhaps consider something like a compromise: maybe a text or email or something today, asking her if you can call her on Valentine's Day and then if she says ok, a follow up message asking her what time you can call. I'd send the message/request today then if she says ok, I'd make the call on Valentine's Day at the time she has indicated. And when I make the call, I would be in a quiet place by myself, free of distractions where I wouldn't be overheard. Maybe you have a favourite park or scenic, peaceful place you could go to to make the call. 

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I re-read the OP several times and I am still trying to understand why is your current girlfriend in need of "space" or "healing"? Are any of the things your ex-girlfriend said true? Half-truth? I don't understand why she is taking almost a month because a bitter ex-girlfriend said some things about you that aren't true (and according to you, you already cleared up your name). What am I  missing in this scenario? Because it makes no sense to me.

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11 minutes ago, askandanswer said:

Perhaps consider something like a compromise: maybe a text or email or something today, asking her if you can call her on Valentine's Day and then if she says ok, a follow up message asking her what time you can call. I'd send the message/request today then if she says ok, I'd make the call on Valentine's Day at the time she has indicated. And when I make the call, I would be in a quiet place by myself, free of distractions where I wouldn't be overheard. Maybe you have a favourite park or scenic, peaceful place you could go to to make the call. 

Hi,

Thanks. I'll look at doing something like that. I appreciate the advice and time you've taken.

^_^

5 minutes ago, Suzie said:

I re-read the OP several times and I am still trying to understand why is your current girlfriend in need of "space" or "healing"? Are any of the things your ex-girlfriend said true? Half-truth? I don't understand why she is taking almost a month because a bitter ex-girlfriend said some things about you that aren't true (and according to you, you already cleared up your name). What am I  missing in this scenario? Because it makes no sense to me.

Hi,

Yeah sorry, my writing was a bit all over the place. The reason is because she hasn't been in a situation like this before and I was literally a day or two away from proposing. I guess it just created some doubt. Not to mention she had just moved halfway across the country and was still trying to adjust.

Nothing that my ex claimed was true. And while I have cleared up my name (as much as possible) I'm still waiting on a "letter of apology" to be delivered to my lawyer from my ex. I have been assured it will arrive either this week or early next week at the latest.

I'm not sure why she has taken so long with this healing process; but I know all of us are different and we process things differently. I personally wasn't in a good place when I visited so I don't believe that helped the situation. From a logical perspective, it doesn't make sense to me either. But I love her and trust her, and I want what's best for her. I'm sure that she has been doing everything she can to help get her thoughts clear. 

But yes. I agree, I don't understand why the words of a nutcase ex have caused this much impact. 

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28 minutes ago, TheLizardofOZ said:

But yes. I agree, I don't understand why the words of a nutcase ex have caused this much impact. 

You never know.  Had a situation where her ex had apparently spent a fair amount of money investigating...a guy who has a name marginally similar to mine.  Only other similarity was I'd run for city council the same year the other guy ran for county commissioner.  After that, I'm pretty sure he could have sent her video of me setting fire to a busload of pregnant nuns and she would have ignored it.

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5 minutes ago, NightSG said:

You never know.  Had a situation where her ex had apparently spent a fair amount of money investigating...a guy who has a name marginally similar to mine.  Only other similarity was I'd run for city council the same year the other guy ran for county commissioner.  After that, I'm pretty sure he could have sent her video of me setting fire to a busload of pregnant nuns and she would have ignored it.

That's pretty crazy. Something I learned from this whole situation is that my girlfriend trusts me (her words) but it's still a difficult process for her. I just know that I haven't done anything wrong and I've done all I can to prove that ^^

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@TheLizardofOZthanks for replying. I assume the things your ex stated are quite serious if we are talking about lawyers being involved, etc. So if that's the case and the allegations against you by your ex-said are serious then I can understand why she is taking time to think about it. I just hope if she has no intentions to continue this relationship, she would be kind enough to be straightforward with you and end it rather than having you hanging by a thread.

Wishing you all the best.

Edited by Suzie

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16 hours ago, Suzie said:

@TheLizardofOZthanks for replying. I assume the things your ex stated are quite serious if we are talking about lawyers being involved, etc. So if that's the case and the allegations against you by your ex-said are serious then I can understand why she is taking time to think about it. I just hope if she has no intentions to continue this relationship, she would be kind enough to be straightforward with you and end it rather than having you hanging by a thread.

Wishing you all the best.

Hey there, 

Yes they were "serious". My ex (C) basically claimed I was still in a relationship with her. I've managed to get together enough proof and stuff proving otherwise, as well as a written letter of apology from my ex. I know it's a difficult situation but I didn't do anything wrong so it's been hard going through it. 

On the flip side; I've sent her a text message today, saying that I'd love to call her on Valentine's Day. 

Also I've been giving a lot of thought to the idea of heading back over for a weekend within the next week and taking her out on a date. My mother has lent her opinion and said I should just go and propose but I'm still trying to work out exactly how I feel about that. I know I'm ready for that, but that's not all there is to asking. 

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