A nerdy LDS guy with a lot of childish interests and LDS dating

[Ironhold]

Also - I'm making money on the side by doing paid surveys and E-Bay. 

It's not much, but it's helping. 

[mgridle]

22 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

Your response was so acidic as to effectively take away his humanity. 

You presumed the worst of him and let him have it. 

It may be 4.1% nationally, but various areas still have their own regional quirks when it comes to employment and so those factors should be considered. 

In my area, for example, I could make double or even triple my newspaper wages if I took up as a security guard at one of the local prisons. Why haven't I? I blew my knee in an accident a few years ago; I'd never pass the physical. Office jobs are tight around here unless I want to spend all day in a call center, and so the newspaper it is. 

? I didn't presume the worst of him.  I don't think he is a horrible human being, no where did I say that.  He has a problem, low self-confidence and no girlfriend.  I explain how that became a problem and why it will continue to be a problem unless he fixes it (in fact he already knew it was a problem).  He said "I fear", no dude you don't fear, you know.  It's not fear it is an inability to admit reality.   I told him what he needs to do to fix it.

And yes my analysis of his family is correct; he has been taken care of his entire life (by his parents), never forced to fend for himself and then he wonders why no girl will want to marry him.  Pretty simple stuff here, you don't become an outdoor cat by staying in your nice safe little indoor cat box.

Necessity is the mother of invention.  When you are forced to live on your own, you learn you either sink or swim. Some people sink, but most people if actually forced would figure out how to swim.  You don't learn how to be a responsible, hard-working adult by living in your parents house-rent free, utility free claiming "it's for a good cause, I'm saving up for marriage and house"?   Really, you haven't paid for college by yourself, you haven't paid for mission by yourself, you don't pay rent by yourself, you don't live on your own?  You haven't built up the self-resistance to setbacks and self-confidence to handle yourself on your own. And yet you are going to magically be able to have the self-confidence to buy a house and get married b/c you've saved and keep them!

Having a house is a big responsibility, having a marriage is a big responsibility; being able to "afford" a house or "afford" getting married is really immaterial.  Having money for those things comes in a far second to what is required to actually hold them-which is being responsible. A house requires maintenance, fix the gutters, mow the lawn, pay the bills, buy the fridge, etc, etc, etc.  So does a marriage.

Sure you can buy a house with money, but if you haven't figured out how to be responsible and live on your own you will lose it pretty fast, same thing with a marriage.

I don't think anyone (this gentleman or his parents) are evil, bad, horrible people.  Misguided yes, but bad not in the least bit.  I'm sure they are perfectly good people who are trying to do their best-which unfortunately has the opposite effect.

Edited May 3, 2018 by mgridle

[mgridle]

16 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

It may be 4.1% nationally, but various areas still have their own regional quirks when it comes to employment and so those factors should be considered.

Totally agree, except the highest unemployment rate is in Alaska @ 7.3 and in the continental it's at 5.6 . . .that's hardly recession levels.  If this is rough, heaven help us b/c their will be a lot of flaying drowning people when a recession does it.  We have it so good economically we don't know what rough is.

[pam]

34 minutes ago, mgridle said:

No it's not "rough" out there. Unemployment rate is 4.1% . . .how is that rough?  If you want a job, you can get a job.  Economically speaking it is in no way, shape or form rough.  It's actually pretty dang good.  If this is rough . . .whoa buddy wait till the next recession-that will be rough. 

Sure it might be expensive. . . .but it's always been expensive. You share an apartment . . .it's called growing up.

If you live in an area like I do where the cost of living has risen dramatically but wages haven't kept up with that raise, it's tough.  

[Ironhold]

11 minutes ago, mgridle said:

Totally agree, except the highest unemployment rate is in Alaska @ 7.3 and in the continental it's at 5.6 . . .that's hardly recession levels.  If this is rough, heaven help us b/c their will be a lot of flaying drowning people when a recession does it.  We have it so good economically we don't know what rough is.

Again, you're just looking at numbers, not the direct landscape. 

You have a lot of other factors at work as well. 

Example from my life - 

I have an MBA. I was training for a career in insurance when the recession hit. When that happened, several insurance companies that were looking to expand to my area cancelled their plans, while those that were in the area froze hiring... meaning *two* job offers that were dependent upon my finishing my undergrad work were rescinded. 

Hence my having to start at a newspaper: there were jobs, but none in the industry I trained for. 

[mgridle]

4 minutes ago, pam said:

If you live in an area like I do where the cost of living has risen dramatically but wages haven't kept up with that raise, it's tough.  

Then you do what responsible self-confident people do.  You move.

Anything else is just an excuse.  If the economy was bad (and I'm sure it will be soon), I'd somewhat agree with you.  But the economy is not bad at all.

[mgridle]

5 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

Again, you're just looking at numbers, not the direct landscape. 

 

Well you are giving me an anecdote. Anecdote do not facts make.  Of course, I'm looking at the numbers-b/c that is what directly reflects the conglomeration of the landscape. There are always going to be pockets that are better and pockets that are worse.  As a whole, it is in no way shape or form "rough" out there.

If you are a competent, responsible, hard-working individual-you will find a job, period.  If you are not competent, responsible, and hard-working-you may find a job . . .depending on how desperate the company is for a warm body. When it gets rough, the competent, hard-working responsible people will have a hard time finding a job.  But that's not today.

Edited May 3, 2018 by mgridle

[Ironhold]

5 minutes ago, mgridle said:

Then you do what responsible self-confident people do.  You move.

 

Hard to afford the associated costs if you're broke. 

Only reason why I didn't head for greener pastures (re: North Dakota) once the recession hit. My car's in such rough shape that it couldn't make the trip, and I'd have had to choose between getting a vehicle that could make the trip and having money to settle once I get there. 

You're not the first person we've had this argument with. 

[mgridle]

9 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

I have an MBA. I was training for a career in insurance when the recession hit. When that happened, several insurance companies that were looking to expand to my area cancelled their plans, while those that were in the area froze hiring... meaning *two* job offers that were dependent upon my finishing my undergrad work were rescinded. 

Hence my having to start at a newspaper: there were jobs, but none in the industry I trained for. 

That sucks, no bones about it.  But the recession has been over for quite some time (at least 4-5 years). If you are still complaining about the last one, then you aren't preparing yourself for the next one .  . .my condolences.

[mgridle]

1 minute ago, Ironhold said:

Hard to afford the associated costs if you're broke. 

Only reason why I didn't head for greener pastures (re: North Dakota) once the recession hit. My car's in such rough shape that it couldn't make the trip, and I'd have had to choose between getting a vehicle that could make the trip and having money to settle once I get there. 

You're not the first person we've had this argument with. 

You are absolutely right it is hard to move it you are broke. I don't begrudge or fault you for that.  However, now you know better (i.e. you have life experience about it) and as such you should have a plan of escape if need be so you can get to greener pastures.

That's called preparation.

[Ironhold]

3 minutes ago, mgridle said:

That sucks, no bones about it.  But the recession has been over for quite some time (at least 4-5 years). If you are still complaining about the last one, then you aren't preparing yourself for the next one .  . .my condolences.

Again - 

Every time I get a nest egg built up, something comes along and cracks it. 

I'm in a pretty bad spot, and it's really slow going getting out. 

That's why I'm doing what I can to get things going on the side so I have the extra cash. 

[Ironhold]

As far as the recession goes - 

The area I live in is in a bubble thanks to the local military base. 

As a consequence of the bubble, the effects of the recession were time-delayed. 

There was some initial pain at first (hence my financial plight), but it was about 20 months after the start before things hit us. And just as the worst of it was delayed, so to was the bulk of the recovery delayed. 

Functionally, we're still only a year or two removed, and even then a few industries are still distressed. We haven't fully shaken it off. 

[mgridle]

Just now, Ironhold said:

Again - 

Every time I get a nest egg built up, something comes along and cracks it. 

I'm in a pretty bad spot, and it's really slow going getting out. 

That's why I'm doing what I can to get things going on the side so I have the extra cash. 

Good for you on getting extra cash.  Oh yeah, when you get yourself in a bad spot it sucks climbing out of it. Ocare sucks and I'll be glad to see it gone.  Most of the time getting in a bad spot generally relates to either getting overleveraged on debt or by some medical catastrophe. Being too far in debt you can do something about.  Medical . . .sometimes crap happens and it sucks.  Just the way life is, sometimes no matter what you do you get a bad hand.

But those who are self-confident, hard-working responsible individuals will figure a way to turn a bad hand into a winning hand. Mark Cuban once said if he lost everything, he could become wealthy again.  And I totally believe him. I may think he is a jerk-but he has the right attitude to be financially successful in life.

[mgridle]

5 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

Functionally, we're still only a year or two removed, and even then a few industries are still distressed. We haven't fully shaken it off. 

Hopefully then, when the next one hits, it will be delayed also and you'll have time to see it coming.

[Lee]

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

2. Is it wrong to collect some female fictional characters? I'm wanting to collect a few marvel legends spiderman and xmen characters. I of course don't get anything breaking the law Chasity. I grew up with the 90s xmen cartoon and my favorite x-men characters include Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Jean Grey, Rogue, beast, and gambit

Could someone explain to me how collecting fictional female action figures could possibly be breaking the law of chastity ?

[Sunday21]

Just out of interest...would you be interested in dating a woman who wears little girl dresses talks with a little girl’s voice and plays with Barbie dolls? I have an Lds friend in mind. She clearly has problems. Lives with her parents. Has two wedding dresses in her closet (not Barbie doll size). She has an affected babydoll lisp. She is not getting married anytime soon.

Edited May 3, 2018 by Sunday21

[Lost Boy]

1 hour ago, darthzilla99 said:

Everyone thanks for the advice. For those of you who decided to character assassinate my parents, you are more wrong about them than Napoléon Bonaparte was when he invaded Russia during winter. You can criticize me all you want and it's just water off a duck's back to me, but leave my family alone. They put me through college and my mission because they love me and so I do not have to go through unnecessary debt. Also, saying being required to move could you know mean get a career job that is located more than an hour plus drive from my current home. Also, they let me live at home rent free and other necessary expenses so that I can save money for my marriage and life.  I also made it clear that even though my current job is only part time, I'm 1. Putting more than half my paychecks into my savings and 2. taking a little bit out of my paychecks for my dating funds and some fun for me (which might include the occasional nerd hobby). More of that amount in point 2 is for dating budget purposes. 

I should not have to explain this, but I already spend most of my non-work time looking for a full time career job. I go to networking events when my work schedule permits (which I found my current job through such an event BTW), I apply online during my off hours, and now recently my parents have now been called as the ward employment specialists. Not long ago I was going to a Saturday internship in addition to my current job. I also had another full time internship back in October which expired in November. On the days I do not have work,  in addition to any networking events that day, I also go to the companies I applying to online in person as well to give them a physical copy of my resume and other info. This is how I have obtained job interviews.

So let me ask, assuming I got a career job close to my current home (if some company offers me a position outside my 1 +hour driving range from home, I will move then) why should I move out before marriage just to pay rent and other expenses when if I stay with parents I can save that money towards a future house with my spouse one day? (I'm just throwing random numbers here), If say I gross earn $2400 a month, net pay is 1584.64, pay $240 in tithing, pay say $100 in fast offerings, why not save $900 to my savings account and give myself $344.64 to use for dates and personal fun? Out of that $344.64, $100 is given for my own personal fun and the other $244.64 is used for dates. Why should I move out just because society tells me to if it means less money overall into my savings account? 

First, I most certainly hope you expect to gross earn way more than $2400/month.  That is less than $30k/year.  i was making that before graduating college 25 years ago.  As a min, I'd hope you can do at least $50k/year.  I would not marry you if you are aiming for a $30k/year job.  You can't support a family on that.  $50k/year is doable, but pretty tough.

So the reason you need to move out is to learn to be on your own.  One thing that attracted me to my wife was that she was financially independent.  She had no debt and she knew how to live on her own responsibly. 

Saving money is one thing.  Proving that you can make it on your own is far more attractive.  Essentially you living at home is hampering your confidence.  This is not society frowning on you.  It is human instinct in a future mate that is frowning on this.

You are making excuses for staying with mommy and daddy.  Time to shed the old you and leave that life behind.  Show the world that you can make it.  

BTW, here is a very simple budget based on $50k and two people.  The first is if you rent an apartment.  The next is if you buy a house.  Hopefully this is no shock to you because you have run the numbers and already know this.  At $50k/year, it will be tough buying a house.  Things become much harder if you haven't learned to live within your means.  Hint...  Living at home does not teach you to live within your means.  A high school dropout can do that.

Rent Apartment		$     50,000
		$        4,167
Rent	$          1,000	$        3,167
Car	$              400	$        2,767
Food	$              400	$        2,367
Misc	$              400	$        1,967
tax	$              833	$        1,133
tithing	$              417	$           717
401k	$              292	$           425
Buy a Home		$     50,000
		$        4,167
Mortgage	$          1,200	$        2,967
Utilities	$              350	$        2,617
Car	$              400	$        2,217
Food	$              400	$        1,817
Misc	$              400	$        1,417
tax	$              833	$           583
tithing	$              417	$           167
401k	$              292	$         (125)

[Ironhold]

1 minute ago, Lee said:

Could someone explain to me how collecting fictional female action figures could possibly be breaking the law of chastity ?

Some manufacturers *deliberately* produce figures and material that range from "Victoria's Secret" to "Vicky ain't got any secrets left". 

As a consequence, there is in fact a stigma around collecting certain types of product, even among collecting communities. 

For example, consider the "Transformers" franchise. Hasbro and Takara-Tomy have joint ownership over the franchise, the agreement being set up in such a fashion that T-T has sole control over the franchise in specific markets. T-T has, over the years, allowed the release of product and fiction that has raised eyebrows internationally. This includes product that was the result of them giving blank checks to the wrong people, people who turned around and produced material - primarily comics - that, in whole or in part, depicts the female characters in questionable or even compromising situations. One might be forgiven for thinking that there was some sort of bizarre running gag surrounding one character being perpetually bereft of her clothing. 

Every time T-T fires someone over this, someone else starts in on it. 

 

[Lost Boy]

38 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

Again, you're just looking at numbers, not the direct landscape. 

You have a lot of other factors at work as well. 

Example from my life - 

I have an MBA. I was training for a career in insurance when the recession hit. When that happened, several insurance companies that were looking to expand to my area cancelled their plans, while those that were in the area froze hiring... meaning *two* job offers that were dependent upon my finishing my undergrad work were rescinded. 

Hence my having to start at a newspaper: there were jobs, but none in the industry I trained for. 

You say you have an MBA, but then you said that two job offers were dependent on you finishing your undergrad work.  I am completely confused here.  Shouldn't your undergrad be finished if you have an MBA?

[mgridle]

"You are making excuses for staying with mommy and daddy.  Time to shed the old you and leave that life behind.  Show the world that you can make it." 

Amen brother!  It's actually quite sad what has occurred in today's society.  Men have so much to offer the world, so much talent, potential.  Men built the entirety of the physical structures we have around us.  There is so, so much that they can offer and the world needs strong, confident men!

And yet they have been shoved aside and infantilized to where a 31 year-old male is scared to step out into the big wide world.  What a blooming tragedy. All the potential, all the things he could do and be, lives he could impact but he's too scared to make it one his own . . .so, so sad.

[Lee]

4 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

Some manufacturers *deliberately* produce figures and material that range from "Victoria's Secret" to "Vicky ain't got any secrets left". 

As a consequence, there is in fact a stigma around collecting certain types of product, even among collecting communities. 

For example, consider the "Transformers" franchise. Hasbro and Takara-Tomy have joint ownership over the franchise, the agreement being set up in such a fashion that T-T has sole control over the franchise in specific markets. T-T has, over the years, allowed the release of product and fiction that has raised eyebrows internationally. This includes product that was the result of them giving blank checks to the wrong people, people who turned around and produced material - primarily comics - that, in whole or in part, depicts the female characters in questionable or even compromising situations. One might be forgiven for thinking that there was some sort of bizarre running gag surrounding one character being perpetually bereft of her clothing. 

Every time T-T fires someone over this, someone else starts in on it. 

 

But they aren't real. I suppose if you may get turned on by a plastic toy with revealing clothing then to avoid buying it is a good thing, but I think they would have bigger problems.  

[Ironhold]

3 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

You say you have an MBA, but then you said that two job offers were dependent on you finishing your undergrad work.  I am completely confused here.  Shouldn't your undergrad be finished if you have an MBA?

I was working on my undergrad when the recession hit. 

I had a spot reserved for me in a local MBA program, so I went with it even though my job outlook was questionable. I figured - wrongly - that my degree alone would be enough to give me an edge over the competition for what jobs there were. 

[Vort]

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

Long story short, I am a 31 year old LDS guy with some childish hobbies and interests. I enjoy weightlifting, walks with family, spending time with family, eating healthier, learning languages ( currently learning Japanese), watching nerdy shows and movies, playing video games sometimes, and collecting action figures and other collectibles. Mostly I like collecting marvel select figures, Godzilla and other monster toys, and some japanese super hero figures. 

Action figures and comic books aren't my thing, but I don't think they're an all-around deal-breaker. Some young women are into such things. I don't see any of this as a big problem.

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

I recently got my bachelors degree last year and living at home with my parents until I find my eternal spouse or a career job that requires me to move. I currently work part time at the moment while still seeking full time employment.

Okay, I have to tell you, friend, this is of concern. Alarms are going off.

If my daughter were dating you, I would be asking her about the wisdom of dating a 31-year-old guy who (1) lives at home with mom and (2) only works part-time. The living-at-home-with-mom thing is a concern for what I assume are obvious reasons; a man should be standing on his own feet, not letting mom take care of him. (If he's taking care of mom, that's very different.) As for the part-time job, I can only assume that your local Home Depot is short-staffed and would gladly pay you $15 an hour for a full 40 hours a week. If you're too educated for that, surely you can get F/T employment somewhere.

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

During my time in college, dating was not so successful for me and in general have not found my spouse. During my time while I was 30, I dreaded being kicked out of the YSA ward. My bishop felt it was best for me to stay and I have a calling and everything still. Also, there are a few SA a year or two older than me that my bishop lets stay.

I am trying out dating again. I have some self-confidence issues I'm still over coming.

More alarm bells. What, exactly, do you think dating is? Because IMO here is what it should be: Two people going out having fun together and seeing if they enjoy each other's company enough to pursue something more. A date is not going to a prom or engaging in a never-ending, intense job interview. It's FUN. If the first date isn't fun, there won't be a second. So what are you doing to see to it that your first date is fun -- for you and her both?

If the girl you're taking out on a date tends toward the geekish, maybe you and she can do something that shares the geek interest. Go watch some Avengers movie with her. Get together with two other couples and play D&D (or whatever RPG the kids play these days). Take her to dinner -- or better yet, make her a dinner -- and while eating, discuss the finer points of Wolverine. (Finer points -- get it? I'm hilarious.)

What if the girl isn't a geek? Do the same thing as above, but substitute non-comic-book things. Find out if you have common interests. This is vastly easier if you have a lot of interests. When you discover those common interests, talk about them.

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

My big fear is that women think I am just another typical immature irresponsible man-child nerd who lives in his parents basement and that wont move on in life.

Quit worrying about what "women" think. Be honest, be authentic, and be a grown-up. Then let the chips fall where they may. The fact is that some women won't like you. So be it. Don't pay them any attention. Just move on and keep your eyes open for women who appreciate what you have to offer.

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

Am I wrong to have these hobbies?

No, not per se. But if comic books and figurines dominate your life, you need to reassess your priorities. (Probably true even if your hobbies are automotive repair and metal shop, though the latter two are arguably more useful and practical than the first two.)

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

Is it wrong to collect some female fictional characters?

Don't allow your tastes or attitudes toward women to be determined by popular media, Hollywood, or comic books. If you find yourself fantasizing about those fictional female characters, then it's probably time to move past that point in your life and leave it behind as one of the "childish things" Paul mentioned.

22 hours ago, darthzilla99 said:

I welcome any advice in general as I am scared of being myself in general.

Brother, from one (middle-aged) man to another (much younger), my advice is to put away childish attitudes. Quit being scared and unconfident and hiding out, whether that's a figurative hiding out from emotions or a literal hiding out in mom's basement. This need not require that you give up your hobbies -- but if it does, then do so. You are not defined by your comic books and action figures. If you feel like you are, then you probably should put them behind you.

[BeccaKirstyn]

Living on your own and paying for your own bills brings a lot of self-confidence and independence that maybe will help you in your dating world. 

As a woman in her mid 20's who has dated men around your age, it is very off-putting if a guy told me he was still living at home and was working part-time. I can understand your reasons as to why you are doing so--saving money is a great thing. But you're saving for something that hasn't happened yet (marriage/living with a spouse), nor isn't happening any time in the near future (I'm being presumptuous but I think this is also realistic). There is a chance you could never get married in this life. There are people who will receive that blessing in the next, so are you supposed to just live at home for the rest of your life? 

Make some goals for moving out. You have great goals of trying to find a full-time job, but in the meantime maybe find a job within the service industry that can pay you full-time while you try to find something within your field. Once you're on your own, I can guarantee you you'll see an improvement in your confidence in yourself which can manifest in your dating life.

Edited May 3, 2018 by BeccaKirstyn

[seashmore]

@darthzilla99

As a single 32 y/o, I read your description of yourself as though a friend were telling me about you with the intentions of setting us up.  I wasn't immediately disgusted (you're a far step above the last guy I was set up with, who lives like a squatter in an old machine shed and sleeps on a mattress on top of his boxes of ammo*) but there were some things that gave me caution.  Mostly, that you're only working part time and that you've been content to live with your parents for so long when there is no apparent financial reason to do so.  (At least, there wouldn't be if you were working full time.)  As others have said, it's not the figurines or the hobbies, it's the other parts of your lifestyle that suggest to women they should proceed with caution.

While I myself only dabble in a couple of fandoms, none of which are comics or superheroes, I understand and appreciate those who are into such things.  As someone who is heavily burdened by student loans and some foolish financial decisions (taking a paycut to change careers just before the 08 recession, for example), I don't immediately discredit someone for living with their parents for such reasons.  As someone who moved out of her parent's home on her 18th birthday (it just so happened that way) and hasn't lived with either of them for more than a summer since I was 20, I set the standard for myself that any man I date has to have lived on his own (or with roommates), outside of a mission.  There is a lot to managing a household you don't experience while living with your parents. 

I recommend you get a full time job (even if it's not in your career field) and move sooner rather than later, even if it's into someone else's basement.

Honestly, and I speak from experience, working part time and trying to look for a job is harder than working full time and looking for a job.  I know it sounds counter intuitive, but I think that working part time cuts into the "work hard, play hard' outlook on life.  Also, the longer your resume goes without a full time position on it, the harder it will be to land anything full time.

In short, I'd give you a chance at a first date, but you'd have to make a really good impression to get a second one.

*boxes of ammo aren't a turn off, boxes of ammo in the bedroom aren't even an instant red flag, but using them as a boxspring?  Don't bring that up on a first date and expect a second.

Edited May 3, 2018 by seashmore
who knew that hitting ctrl + enter submitted?