contemplating a long-distance relationship

[Ironhold]

OK. This is something that's been on my mind. 

Back when I was in my early 20s, I was in a long-distance relationship with someone I met through an internet forum. Thing is, I was dealing with a number of undiagnosed mental health issues at the time, and I wasn't the guy she needed me to be. I basically inadvertently torpedoed the relationship, and it was *years* before I was able to truly accept that she was gone and that I had nobody to blame for it but myself. 

Fast forward. 

There's someone I know through social media. She's only a few years younger than I am. We have a lot of shared interests and hobbies. By her own admission she's single and is having trouble finding someone just like I am. A lot of people would look at this and tell me I should at least try to put out feelers. 

Thing is... I'm 41, my health is dodgy, and I make so little being in the newspaper industry that I can't even afford to live on my own, let alone support a family. As things now stand, I don't exactly have a lot to offer a potential partner in the sense of "providing for house and home". 

So for obvious reasons I'm feeling very, very nervous about even putting out those feelers, let alone coming right out and asking her if she wants to give it a go. 

Thoughts?

Thanks. 

[LDSGator]

Be as open and honest with her as you are with us. Just because you aren’t driving a Lexus and vacationing in Aspen  hardly means you don’t deserve to be loved. 

[NeuroTypical]

I've got a few buddies who I've watched trying to enter the dating scene when they're past their '30's.  It's a scary meat market full of weirdos and scammers and liars and unstable immature people.

If you have a chance at something nice with someone nice, take the risk.  I second Gator's advice.  Be honest and transparent.  If she runs, she runs.  If she sticks around for a deeper look, give her one.  As every single one of my buddies quickly found out - there's so much more than just money and great health.  They found that out, after running into all the people that were missing the other things.  

Thirdhour is rooting for ya!

 

[edit: it’s like this out there. If you don’t lick chalk, you have an advantage.]
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/s7TZ2oVP9ZkCxaJ8/?mibextid=N9fs7i

Edited October 16, 2024 by NeuroTypical

[estradling75]

Its been my experience that God does not hand us things...  Rather God opens doors and it is up to us to have the Faith to walk through them or not.

I can't tell you if this is God opening a door for you or not.  That is out of my Stewardship and directly in yours.  I can tell you that if I was in your place I would follow the advice above, while praying to God that I seen an opening and I am taking it.  And if it is his will then please bless the effort and if it is not then please shut it down.  Then I would prepare myself emotionally for it to fail while hoping it succeeds.  This way God respect my agency and I respect his will as best I know it.

This of course is assuming you actually want to be in a long-distance relationship...  I think that is a safe assumption but I could be misreading your intent.

 

[NeuroTypical]

43 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

while praying to God that I seen an opening and I am taking it.  And if it is his will then please bless the effort and if it is not then please shut it down.  Then I would prepare myself emotionally for it to fail while hoping it succeeds. 

And if she's doing the same thing, this is how miracles happen and folks find each other.  

[Carborendum]

On 10/15/2024 at 6:16 PM, Ironhold said:

Thing is... I'm 41, my health is dodgy, and I make so little being in the newspaper industry that I can't even afford to live on my own, let alone support a family. As things now stand, I don't exactly have a lot to offer a potential partner in the sense of "providing for house and home". 

So for obvious reasons I'm feeling very, very nervous about even putting out those feelers, let alone coming right out and asking her if she wants to give it a go. 

I remember a line from a show once upon a time.  Take it as you will.

"I'll never be rich.  But you'll always have a man who will love you till his dying day."  

[Ironhold]

This past week has been very trying for my parents and I IRL, culminating in a major freak-out yesterday when dad nearly got some malware on the computer. 

For obvious reasons, we've been doing a lot of praying. 

Over the past few weeks, as I've prayed I've asked to know how I should proceed with the situation in the opening post. 

Last night, while at work, once everyone else was gone I felt compelled to say some prayers again. This time, I asked that Heavenly Father would help her find the person who could support her and give her what she needed, even if it wasn't me. With everything she's had going, she deserves at least that much. 

I was running deliveries when a single phrase came to mind, almost as if out of nowhere: "she found you". 

Not sure if this is indeed the answer or not (let's face it, with the life I've had, some days I just don't know anymore), but if it is then I've got a lot of work to do getting where I need to be for her sake. 

[askandanswer]

Now I'm full of curiosity and hope about how the first meeting goes..........

[Milluw]

You probably don't need the advice now, but I just felt like giving my two cents. Everyone comes with some issues. It would be strange if we did not. We're here to be tested after all! This lady will have her own set of things she brings to the table. I think what is most important when looking for a partner, it is the ability to look at another being through spiritual eyes. Your worth is not what monetary gains you are able to scrape together through this life. It is important to do our best, but beyond that we need to have faith in the Lord that he will provide and make doors open according to our needs, as our life expands/continues to change. 

 

However it isn't just perceiving a potential spouse through spiritual eyes, but also how we perceive ourselves. It sounds to me that you are viewing yourself through the lens of the world if you will, and am being rather hard on yourself. I don't know you as a person, but by what you have written above, you are demonstrating positive traits in your spirit: An ability to look inward and reflect over your past actions/situation, and likely learning from them/it. An ability to consider how you might effect someone else's life, and the compassion to consider stepping back for what you consider better for them(whether right or wrong), at the cost of your own well being if needed. All qualities of great worth in a partner. 

 

As was said earlier - you too deserve to be loved! And you are the spiritual companion someone else needs. If not this lady, then someone else. Don't listen to the voice that diminishes your spiritual worth. Our spirit is all we leave this world with, and the ties we have made going through it. Your health and monetary situation is temporary, and serves you and your situation for whichever reason God has for it. You are also not alone. There are so many above the age of 30 that are single, afraid to get into the game and walk around thinking they have either lost their window and worth because of it. And that simply is not true. 

 

I hope your first meeting was a success! 

[Ironhold]

Earlier today she once again made mention of wanting to find someone, jokingly asking a fellow indie creator if their character, some sort of wizard, could conjure someone up for her. 

I asked if she was willing to consider long-distance relationships, noting that I'm at a point where I'm thinking of doing the same owing to how the local scene where I live is a bit of a mess. 

She responded by saying that she wasn't interested. 

I'm going to take her at face value and let it go unless she says something otherwise. 

[LDSGator]

39 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

Earlier today she once again made mention of wanting to find someone, jokingly asking a fellow indie creator if their character, some sort of wizard, could conjure someone up for her. 

I asked if she was willing to consider long-distance relationships, noting that I'm at a point where I'm thinking of doing the same owing to how the local scene where I live is a bit of a mess. 

She responded by saying that she wasn't interested. 

I'm going to take her at face value and let it go unless she says something otherwise. 

Sorry bro. It’s never easy.