A very busy boy.

[HaggisShuu]

My Baby is due in the next 20 days which is very exciting. But it brings up a difficult question. 
I need some help prioritising. I work full time, doing shift work in a pretty horrible job, where to support the home I pick up extra hours where I am. To escape said horrible employment I am doing a part time distance learning degree which has another 4 years left to go on it. I rent a small patch of land to grow fruits and vegetables on, and I am an active participant in the Church's addiction recovery programme. Then there is the Church and my assignments, I serve as ward Clerk and have a ministering assignment. I currently keep up with come follow me and also have a personal study goal reading through old testament which I started last summer, and I hit Isaiah last week, (this seems like the easiest thing to sack off but I've gotten so far and don't want to pack it in). 
 

How on earth do I balance work, education, growing food, magnify my calling, complete my ministering assignments, study come follow me, study for ARP meetings, meet personal scripture study goals all while being a decent husband and present father? I got a mountain on my plate right now and if I double down on my spiritual pursuits, my family and worldly pursuits will suffer. The inverse is true if I double down on worldly pursuits. 
 

Anyone got any thoughts here? 

[Carborendum]

  On 1/15/2025 at 7:18 PM, HaggisShuu said:

Anyone got any thoughts here? 

Expand  

First, let me congratulate you on just handling what you've got on your plate as is.  Few people could pull that off.  It's quite impressive.

Second, it seems that you're finally admitting to yourself that you've reached your limit.  That's the first step.

Solution: Something's gotta give.  Make priorities and drop lower priorities.

• Either you give up some of the activities, or you hand some of it off to someone else.  I couldn't quite tell if you were in the ARP because you're running it or if you're being treated.  If you're being treated, then keep it.  If you're guiding others, then you might want to take a hiatus until you finish your degree.
• Could your wife, perhaps take over the garden?  You mentioned all that is on your plate.  What does her plate look like?  Remember, you're partners.
  • I'm not sure what you're growing.  But some crops are much easier to grow than others.  How far away is it?  And can you somehow grow where you live?  I don't know if you're in apartments or whatever, but usually a small window unit is allowed to grow a few things.  In the end, is it really worth the time and money?  Consider drive time, other resources to grow it, cost of rental.  Are you really saving any money?
• OT reading is probably a lower priority.  While it is nice, it seems like it is probably less of a spiritual pursuit than it is a scholarly one.  And while that is worthwhile, it seems that it would get in the way of higher priorities.

BTW, what is your job? And what are you currently studying?

[NeuroTypical]

  On 1/15/2025 at 7:18 PM, HaggisShuu said:

How on earth do I balance work, education, growing food, magnify my calling, complete my ministering assignments, study come follow me, study for ARP meetings, meet personal scripture study goals all while being a decent husband and present father? I got a mountain on my plate right now and if I double down on my spiritual pursuits, my family and worldly pursuits will suffer.

Expand  

I don't think I've ever been that overloaded in my life.  But at the times I have been overloaded, I've thought to myself that there is only one me, and only 24 hours in a day, and I prioritize.  I became quite good at scheduling in my Franklin planner (now all my calendering is done electronically).  

When my dad died and I was cleaning out his house, I discovered he had saved all of his calendars.  Thumbing through them was interesting.  He juggled work and a union job, participation in an association or two, and his hobbies.  It was cool to see the occasional Saturday was marked "Lagoon with little NT".  I remember those outings!  I remember for an awful long time when I was in elementary school, he worked nights. So if I ran home from the bus, I could see him for 5 minutes before he went to work.  But even though I pretty much only saw him on Saturday, it was enough.  I never felt neglected.

[HaggisShuu]

  On 1/15/2025 at 7:59 PM, Carborendum said:

First, let me congratulate you on just handling what you've got on your plate as is.  Few people could pull that off.  It's quite impressive.

Second, it seems that you're finally admitting to yourself that you've reached your limit.  That's the first step.

Solution: Something's gotta give.  Make priorities and drop lower priorities.

• Either you give up some of the activities, or you hand some of it off to someone else.  I couldn't quite tell if you were in the ARP because you're running it or if you're being treated.  If you're being treated, then keep it.  If you're guiding others, then you might want to take a hiatus until you finish your degree.
• Could your wife, perhaps take over the garden?  You mentioned all that is on your plate.  What does her plate look like?  Remember, you're partners.
  • I'm not sure what you're growing.  But some crops are much easier to grow than others.  How far away is it?  And can you somehow grow where you live?  I don't know if you're in apartments or whatever, but usually a small window unit is allowed to grow a few things.  In the end, is it really worth the time and money?  Consider drive time, other resources to grow it, cost of rental.  Are you really saving any money?
• OT reading is probably a lower priority.  While it is nice, it seems like it is probably less of a spiritual pursuit than it is a scholarly one.  And while that is worthwhile, it seems that it would get in the way of higher priorities.

BTW, what is your job? And what are you currently studying?

Expand  

I'm "in recovery".

In my head I know really the garden and OT have to go, I just didn't want to admit it because I enjoy both! I suppose they don't have to go completely, just reduced frequency and I have a few people I can call on to help with the veggies. 
 

I'm a prison officer. I think in America you call them Correctional officers. I basically lock and unlock gates for a living! 
 

I'm studying accountancy. The long term dream is that I finish my degree, and move to somewhere with better Church activity on a graduate trainee programme with an accounting firm. 

[HaggisShuu]

  On 1/15/2025 at 9:26 PM, NeuroTypical said:

But even though I pretty much only saw him on Saturday, it was enough.  I never felt neglected.

Expand  

That's a reassuring sentiment. Thank you for sharing. 

[Carborendum]

  On 1/15/2025 at 10:35 PM, HaggisShuu said:

I'm "in recovery".

Expand  

Keep up the good work.

  On 1/15/2025 at 10:35 PM, HaggisShuu said:

In my head I know really the garden and OT have to go, I just didn't want to admit it because I enjoy both! I suppose they don't have to go completely, just reduced frequency and I have a few people I can call on to help with the veggies. 

Expand  

It sounds like you have a plan, then.  Good.

  On 1/15/2025 at 10:35 PM, HaggisShuu said:

I'm a prison officer. I think in America you call them Correctional officers. I basically lock and unlock gates for a living! 

Expand  

  On 1/15/2025 at 10:35 PM, HaggisShuu said:

I'm studying accountancy. The long term dream is that I finish my degree, and move to somewhere with better Church activity on a graduate trainee programme with an accounting firm. 

Expand  

I think I understand what you're saying.  Would it be possible to get a low level position with an accounting firm as you reduce your hours at the prison to allow for on-the-job training at the accountant's office?

There may be some differences in UK vs US.  So, I don't know what the specifics would be.  But I'll tell you what my DIL did.

She knew someone at an accounting firm.  They hired her to be a front office clerk part time during busy season.  She did well enough that they called her back and eventually gave her a full-time position.

In year 2, they asked if she was interested in becoming an accountant.  She said yes.  While she's still doing "grunt work", it is grunt work that will be required to become certified accountant.  So, she's on her way to becoming an accountant by simply doing something on-the-job.  There is still some education she has to go through.  But it's much easier now that she's getting her training and has money coming in.

[Traveler]

  On 1/15/2025 at 7:18 PM, HaggisShuu said:

.....

Anyone got any thoughts here? 

Expand  

I grew up in a family of high achievers.  My father was a workaholic.  My oldest brother is a genius with a photographic memory.  I am the least achiever of my family; I thought every family was like mine but discovered that my family was extremely rare.   In most families I would be considered an overachiever. 

There were a few things I learned that I am thinking I ought to pass on.  If something is not worth doing well – it is not worth doing.  It is better to do a few things extremely well than to do a mountain of things poorly.   Consider the scripture Mosiah 4:27

  Quote

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.

Expand  

 

My last suggestion is that at the beginning of each day – go in prayer before your G-d present a detailed plan to accomplish all you need to do and how you plan to accomplish everything.  Ask for His help and assistance.  At the end of each day go again to your G-d in prayer with a detailed report of what you did.  If something was undone – present it.  If something was not done well – report it and explain why.  For all the things that were completed – explain it and how you felt you did (good, well, okay, barely or poorly).   As you do this G-d will inspire you to prioritize your next day.

It may happen that there are days that you need to prioritize your work, other days your church callings, other days your family and some days things for you.  We see such prioritizing of things in the Book of Mormon.  There may be times of war where you do not even see your family for extended periods, even with your family your single highest priority. 

I believe it is important to not go through life alone.  Consult often with your wife and keep her in the loop.  Shair your sacrifices, efforts, dreams and accomplishments together.  If you feel so, consult with your priesthood leaders (ministers, quorum members, quorum leaders, bishop and perhaps even Stake leaders.)

 

The Traveler

[Ironhold]

  On 1/17/2025 at 5:26 AM, Traveler said:

I grew up in a family of high achievers.  My father was a workaholic.  My oldest brother is a genius with a photographic memory.  I am the least achiever of my family; I thought every family was like mine but discovered that my family was extremely rare.   In most families I would be considered an overachiever. 

There were a few things I learned that I am thinking I ought to pass on.  If something is not worth doing well – it is not worth doing.  It is better to do a few things extremely well than to do a mountain of things poorly.   Consider the scripture Mosiah 4:27

Expand  

To add to this - 

I grew up high-functioning autistic in a time and place where most people only had "Rain Man" as their frame of reference for high-functioning autism, and I'll spare people the popular term that was used at the time to describe such individuals. 

I did well enough in school that I was classed as "gifted", which initially just meant being given extra assignments in school and spending a measured amount of time each week in what was supposed to be a specialized educational program. 

Problem was, as I got older a lot started going on in my life. I had a serious medical episode at 8 that had life-altering consequences, and I was only just barely getting out of that particular tailspin before other things started to hit me. Whenever I began showing the negative traits of autism, however, people treated it like it was some personal failing on my part and that I needed to get myself together & stop slacking off. 

Past a certain point so much was going on that I was just expected to be some better-than-perfect being who could do anything and everything under his own power and without any assistance so that everyone else could focus on their things. Failure was *never* an option in their eyes, never mind the fact that by the time I graduated high school I had basically been raised by a mix of anime, heavy metal, and "escapist" fiction because few adults in my life were making time for me and my autism was wildly out of control because I didn't have the methods in place to deal with it. 

I basically lost 20 years of my life to untreated mental health issues. 

One thing I've had to learn was to set a rhythm for my life. This list of things needed to be done in a given day at a pace that I could maintain without being overwhelmed, this list of things would be nice to get done but weren't mandatory, and this list of things could wait a while. That's how I finally even halfway started to get by. 

[Vort]

  On 1/17/2025 at 4:56 PM, Ironhold said:

I did well enough in school that I was classed as "gifted", which initially just meant being given extra assignments in school and spending a measured amount of time each week in what was supposed to be a specialized educational program.

Expand  

The idea of a "gifted" class is a good impulse, one of which I approve. When our children show an aptitude in a certain area, we ought to cultivate that aptitude. That's what families do, or at least what they should do. This is one of the undeniable weaknesses of public mass education, and so-called gifted classes are a reasonable attempt to address the issue.

The reality of a "gifted" class typically, or at least often, turns out as @Ironhold describes.

I counseled my children not to take honors or AP classes in high school, but one chose to do so anyway. This son was very obviously supersmart and had straight A's in school. But the honors classes he took were a nightmare, requiring probably three times as much work as a regular class, and with no perceptible increase in learning or understanding. Just way more work. One of those classes was taught by a nightmare teacher, Mrs. Mc*, a woman who very obviously hated boys (or I should say young men; these were high school students) and openly dismissed them and treated them with contempt. (When my son requested to be transferred to another "pod" for this class, the principal (actually quite a nice woman) said that, unfortunately, that was not possible. So my wife and I told her we would be pulling our son out of school altogether. Amazing how quickly her opinion changed when we brought that up. Like, within two minutes.)

(We counseled a close friend of our next-younger son to avoid this particular teacher, but he really wanted to take the honors class. Turned out disastrous. He was quite smart and another overachiever, but I think he got a C out of the teacher's class. The girls in that class averaged a full letter grade higher than the boys. If you asked Mrs. Mc* about it, she would tell you that the girls were simply smarter and did better work. Most of the girls in her classes agreed. The amount of evil and damage that can be done by just one bad apple is hard to overstate.)

[Traveler]

Greetings @Ironhold :  I appreciate your input.  I also go out of my way to read @Vort ‘s posts.  I believe that there is no such thing as a handicap – mentally or physically.   I believe we each come into this life with a purpose and destiny.  We are preparing to be G-ds.

To highlight what I am referencing, I would point to the final page of the Book of Mormon.  Many LDS think all that this last chapter and words can be summarized in the first few verses ending with verse 5.  These verses are certainly a favorite of missionaries but there is, what I believe, is a greater gem starting with verse 6 and continuing to the very end of the Book of Mormon.

Note how often the phrase “I would exhort you” is used.  Note that we all are “gifted”.  We are all expert and exceptionally gifted and belong to an advanced and gifted class – not just to that which is here on this planet of earth but in the eternities of this vast universe.  We humans are the elites of the universe.  Note that everyone is gifted with spiritual gifts and that everyone can benefit from each and every gift that every individual in humanity is given.

Finally note how one becomes “perfected” in Christ.  There is a saying that, “No one is perfect”.  This is not true and it denies the Christ through who all things are made perfect through His grace by being “sanctified” in Christ through repentance and remission of our sins (verse 33).

I submit that the greatest desirable genius gift is available to all that seek perfection in Christ.

 

The Traveler

[Ironhold]

  On 1/17/2025 at 5:09 PM, Vort said:

The idea of a "gifted" class is a good impulse, one of which I approve. When our children show an aptitude in a certain area, we ought to cultivate that aptitude. That's what families do, or at least what they should do. This is one of the undeniable weaknesses of public mass education, and so-called gifted classes are a reasonable attempt to address the issue.

The reality of a "gifted" class typically, or at least often, turns out as @Ironhold describes.

I counseled my children not to take honors or AP classes in high school, but one chose to do so anyway. This son was very obviously supersmart and had straight A's in school. But the honors classes he took were a nightmare, requiring probably three times as much work as a regular class, and with no perceptible increase in learning or understanding. Just way more work. One of those classes was taught by a nightmare teacher, Mrs. Mc*, a woman who very obviously hated boys (or I should say young men; these were high school students) and openly dismissed them and treated them with contempt. (When my son requested to be transferred to another "pod" for this class, the principal (actually quite a nice woman) said that, unfortunately, that was not possible. So my wife and I told her we would be pulling our son out of school altogether. Amazing how quickly her opinion changed when we brought that up. Like, within two minutes.)

(We counseled a close friend of our next-younger son to avoid this particular teacher, but he really wanted to take the honors class. Turned out disastrous. He was quite smart and another overachiever, but I think he got a C out of the teacher's class. The girls in that class averaged a full letter grade higher than the boys. If you asked Mrs. Mc* about it, she would tell you that the girls were simply smarter and did better work. Most of the girls in her classes agreed. The amount of evil and damage that can be done by just one bad apple is hard to overstate.)

Expand  

My oldest brother absolutely *insisted* that I take pre-calculus as a preparation for college. 

I pointed out that I had trouble in algebra because I kept getting the formulas confused, I had met all of my mathematics requirements so didn't need to take another math class anyway, and even if they *were* concerned about me needing another math class to stay focused there was a math & money course that should help me on my plan for an eventual business major.

Mom sided with my brother. 

The end result was life-altering, and not in a good way.

Classes were 90 minutes every other day. The pre-calculus teacher would take the first 30 minutes of those 90 minutes to go desk by desk and grade our homework on the spot so she didn't have to take any of it home. This ensured that she *never* finished discussing the chapter during the assigned lesson period, but she also *never* understood why that kept happening. Instead, we were just to finish reading the chapter and do the assigned homework accordingly. If we had problems we could come to before-school and after-school tutoring time, but her classroom was always packed. 

It took her writing a note inviting me to leave the class for my parents to *finally* understand that I wasn't lying to them about what it was like in there. But I didn't get moved into another class until semester break, by which point this class had *badly* damaged my GPA. 

You see, I'm in Texas. At the time I was in high school, if you graduated within the top 10% of your class, you could get free tuition to any in-state college courtesy of the state. This utter nonsense drama with the pre-calculus class meant that I missed the top 10% by six slots, something like 0.07 of a grade point. Cue me and my parents having to struggle to pay for me to go to college, which I caught eight different flavors of flak for by the very same parents who doomed me to this existence when they listened to my brother instead of me in the first place. 

[Vort]

  On 1/17/2025 at 6:15 PM, Ironhold said:

You see, I'm in Texas. At the time I was in high school, if you graduated within the top 10% of your class, you could get free tuition to any in-state college courtesy of the state. This utter nonsense drama with the pre-calculus class meant that I missed the top 10% by six slots, something like 0.07 of a grade point. Cue me and my parents having to struggle to pay for me to go to college, which I caught eight different flavors of flak for by the very same parents who doomed me to this existence when they listened to my brother instead of me in the first place.

Expand  

I spend more time than I should reflecting on my life and ruing certain choices and actions. If only I had done this instead of that, if only I had focused on a certain area instead of allowing my attention to be scattered, if only I had learned such-and-such a lesson in my youth, then things would likely have been oh so much better. I need to be reminded, often, that our lives are a gift from God, given exactly so that we can learn such lessons. It is said that a wise man learns from the experience of others, but we all learn from our own experiences. Part of the gift of life is that we are given space to err, to sin, and to repent, and thus learn by our own experience to distinguish between good and evil, to prize the sweet and reject the bitter.

I sense much of this same sort of regret and even despair in what you write. Take heart, brother. Each of us has been handicapped by the actions of others, and not one of us has lived up to his or her potential. I cling to the belief that if we humble ourselves before God and give honest effort, never letting go of the iron rod, we will be justified in the last day by the blood of our Savior and will find greater joy than we can presently imagine. I actually just gave a talk in my new ward a couple of weeks ago based on President Benson's seminal 1989 General Conference address "Beware of Pride". It was a good experience for me.

[Ironhold]

  On 1/17/2025 at 6:32 PM, Vort said:

I spend more time than I should reflecting on my life and ruing certain choices and actions. If only I had done this instead of that, if only I had focused on a certain area instead of allowing my attention to be scattered, if only I had learned such-and-such a lesson in my youth, then things would likely have been oh so much better. I need to be reminded, often, that our lives are a gift from God, given exactly so that we can learn such lessons. It is said that a wise man learns from the experience of others, but we all learn from our own experiences. Part of the gift of life is that we are given space to err, to sin, and to repent, and thus learn by our own experience to distinguish between good and evil, to prize the sweet and reject the bitter.

I sense much of this same sort of regret and even despair in what you write. Take heart, brother. Each of us has been handicapped by the actions of others, and not one of us has lived up to his or her potential. I cling to the belief that if we humble ourselves before God and give honest effort, never letting go of the iron rod, we will be justified in the last day by the blood of our Savior and will find greater joy than we can presently imagine. I actually just gave a talk in my new ward a couple of weeks ago based on President Benson's seminal 1989 General Conference address "Beware of Pride". It was a good experience for me.

Expand  

I keep trying to make peace with my past, but all too often something crops up that forces me to revisit parts of it. 

Problem is, half the time I try to explain "A led to B, which is why I'm now struggling with C", someone freaks out and either offers a forced mea culpa or tells me that if I'd truly "forgiven" them I wouldn't ever bring the issue up again. 

[Ironhold]

But yeah - 

Everyone needs to find a tempo, a rhythm they can live their life around. 

This will help keep you active without going too fast for your own good. 

If the beat's too intense, that means it's time to slow it down a notch, even if it means sacrificing something in life to do so. 

[mrmarklin]

You know the old saying:  If you need something done, ask aa busy man.....😉