Marriage Problems

[jorys22]

Hello

Ok my wife and i are both very frustrated and we continually argue over the same things. We both feel we are trying but nothing changes. I feel that I try to spend as much time with them as i can i work for the military and that unfortunately leaves her stuck in Germany Taking care of the kids without many friends to help break up her day so its the same thing every day for her. On the weekends i am worn out and tired i would rather sit in the house with them then go out doing things and she gets very upset and i feel like if i ever want to do anything i will get in trouble and she will be mad at me. I need some relax time i need some me time and she wants me to explain exactly how much i need so she can schedule the day. I try to tell her that it is different every day some times i am more stressed and need more time to just chill. I still go to the park with them multiple times a week and then the one time i say I'm just going to sit in here and relax she gets so mad and is crying and telling me that i need to prioritize things that i don't spend family time. No matter what i say she seems to only see the negative what should i do? Should i just give up being me and do everything she wants all the time? If i do that things won't last cause unhappy is unhappy. i try to get her to take her time but I'm still never good enough it seems. So please some advice would be appreciated. HELP!!!!!!!

[MorningStar]

This is hard to answer because I don't really know your situation. How many kids do you have? How old?

What do you mean by "if you want to do anything" - you mean go out with the guys?

One thing to remember is that her job is just as tiring as yours, maybe even more so. Children, especially little ones, are very draining on you physically and mentally. It sounds like life is boring for her. Does she have any hobbies?

Perhaps you could work out an agreement - a certain night or day that you get to go do whatever you want and the same for her. And being the mom of three boys, I can tell you what I need personally. My husband sometimes suggests that I go out when I am stressed, but what I really want is for him to take the kids somewhere so I have some peace and quiet - maybe time to get some stuff done in the house without someone bugging me every two seconds.

It is very frustrating when you are cooped up in the house all week with small children and then when the weekend comes and all your husband wants to do is lay around, play video games, etc., it doesn't really feel like a weekend. It's pretty much the same as usual.

Does your wife ever get to sleep in? Do you get up early with the kids to make them breakfast so she can rest?

I think the most difficult thing when children come is that you are both exhausted, you both want "me time", you both are stressed, and when you're at work, you're probably thinking how you can't wait to go home and rest while she is thinking, "I can't wait for my husband to get home so I can rest!" You have to compromise and sacrifice. You just don't get to live the same way when you have kids.

Do you two go on dates? Does she feel appreciated? Is she depressed? Do you pray together? Read the scriptures together? Go to the temple? (That is, assuming you two are LDS.) :)

There could be so many things going on - much more than her feeling like you don't spend enough time with the family. When you're home, are you there emotionally too? My dad was shocked to learn that we never felt like he was "there" because he would come home, sit in front of the news with his newspaper, and hardly talk to anyone at all. It hurt me that he never asked about my day and only talked to me if there was a problem of some sort. He thought that just being home was spending time with the family. I'm not saying you're doing this, but my dad seriously didn't notice he was acting this way.

A friend of mine worked out a schedule with her husband. He gets a night a week to play online games with friends, she gets a night to do what she wishes, and the rest is pretty much family time, unless there is an activity of some sort. Yes, your stress if probably worse on some days, but it sounds like she needs to know what to expect and is overwhelmed. My husband goes out the same night every week and I am able to mentally prepare for that. I don't like having it dropped on me that he is suddenly going out when I am at the end of my rope with the kids.

Well, I don't know if any of that was helpful. I hope you two can work it out. :)

[NeuroTypical]

Hi jorys22,

Sounds like both of you want to make things work, but you're both stuck. I can recommend a book for both of you: The Five Love Languages. It'll help you do things for her that she actually wants, and help her do things for you that you actually want. It also gets you out of the habit of confessing each other's sins, and focusing on your own individual duties to love and be loved.

If you're both willing, this book will work wonders. If only one of you is willing, it still might work. Basically, you don't seem to have any problems that millions of married couples before you haven't already experienced (including mine).

Good luck!

LM

[MorningStar]

Ooh yeah, that's a good book. The way you show love is not necessarily the way your spouse feels love. :)

[jorys22]

Morningstar yeah i know her job is hard and i am constantly trying to get her to find a hobbie. on weekends we both get up her on sat. me on sunday. but i will have to try getting out with the kids so she can get some things done. and i am willing to try reading the book and i know my wife will also. as for kids I have a son 1 1/2 and a daughter 3 1/2 they are good kids and of course tireing i get home and i know her job is hard but she does get a chance to sit down and relax during the day where i don't, but she seems to think that hers is worse. I know mentally kids are more tireing but physically myjob is more tiring and a lot more stressful because my work is not something i love where even though kids are tough its a job of love so the stress while still there is completly different. Ty for the suggestions

[prisonchaplain]

Jory, guy to guy (I have 3 daughters, 7, 5, & 3)--we started a bit late (I'm now 44). So, while some others my age are almost empty-nesters, we're in the front of end numerous kids activities. Also, though I don't readily see it, I'm sure I have less energy now than I did in my early 20s.

Nevertheless, it really is all about the kids. I try to steal an hour or two here and there (like right now, computer time). My wife has just called for me...meaning me time is about to end.

Bottom-line: We guys have to sacrifice our need to relax and have me-time for the family. We do not have that luxury. When the exhaustion gets severe, yes, say, "Honey, I'm bone weary, and need an hour or two." But, don't abuse it. Trust me, if she's like my wife, she works 2x as hard as we do...and we do, after all, work with adults. I encourage you to lower your expectations about relaxation and me-time, and do your best to put wife and kids first.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I'm amazed that a Mum with a son 1 1/2 and a daughter 3 1/2 gets time to sit down and relax during the day. When mine were that age I certainly didn't have chance to sit down and relax from the moment they got up in the morning until they went to bed at night. It's incredibly tiring trying to keep on top of the housework and keep an eye on small children and keep them amused too. Before I had children I worked full time and had a very demanding job but it was a toddle in comparison to trying to be a housewife and mother and get all my housework done plus caring for the children when they were that age. I would be so tired both physically and mentally. Thankfully I had a very understanding husband who was more than willing to do his share with the kids. Perhaps just having you think she isn't as tired as you when she feels totally worn out makes her feel unappreciated.

You can leave work but you can never clock off when you're a housewife and Mum.

[lilered]

Let me give you some advise. "If Mommy isn't happy, then nobody is happy". It took me about 20 yrs. of marriage before I learned that simple truth. Having said that, have you tried to meet her somewhere in the middle. Example. Have one night for date nite, (get a babysitter), take her somewhere. Even a walk and an ice cream cone works. The other days of the week, work it out to where you get some time to yourself to chill, she gets some of your time for family things, and work from there.

[checkerboy]

The one thing about all this I can't stand is the "I work harder then you" routine. Whether or not either of your jobs is more stressful is irrelevant. As a father your job is to provide financially for your family, which you are doing. As a husband though you are to provide emotional support for your wife. It is her responsibility as a mother to nurture your children, which it appears she is doing as well, and as a wife to provide you with emotional support. You guys sound like you are doing knock out jobs as father and mother but look at your husband and wife relationship. You both need to realize that any "me" time needs to be severley curtailed in favor of "we" time. Yeah you still need the me time and what I am seeing is the same as I saw in my own failed marriage... that of pride rearing its ugly head. If you will give your all to your wife then I can promise that she will recepricate.

You both need to realize that you need to appreciate all that the other does for you. When your wife feels appreciated she will give you your space. And when you get your space she better know that she is appreciated. It is kinda like a Catch 22 but you can start it by giving more of yourself then you think you can or even should and watch the results. Now having said that if your wife doesn't appreciate you and still nags you then I would say it is time for some real therapy. Sadly there are people out there that can't let go of pride and always need to be the victim.

Ok enough of that sermon. I guess I was just taking some time to vent a little about my own situation, but I can see similarities in yours so I wanted to give you that advice.

[lostnfound]

Ooh yeah, that's a good book. The way you show love is not necessarily the way your spouse feels love. :)

I love that book! I can't believe you guys know it exists..Wow..

okay here is another idea..

Go to a Weekend to Remember conference..google it if you want to.

They are absoutly amazing and it will rejuenate your marriage , giving you a bibical basis for your marriage, help you to learn to fight fairly, teach you how to love unconditional etc.

you get small progjects for you to work on together to help you communicate.. Trust me i just came back from one for my second time.. They are wonderful for failing marriages.

[browneyes]

heres a wonderful idea instead of trying to find hobbies for your wife why dont they 2 of you find a hobbie that you can do together either with the kids or with other ADULTS. There are plenty of yw and ym that will babysit for nothing. I know that my oldest daughter did a barting system with some families that couldnt afford a babysitter and to go out as a couple. One couple would pay her with a milky way candy bar and a 12 pack of soda(store brand) There is always a way to have me time and our time but you also have to remember to RESPECT one another and not try and say things such as I work harder then you do! All that does is cause one BIG arugement and NO one is happy. I am speaking from experince here, please find a way to commuicate with each other before you allow petty things to tear your marriage apart.

[WillowTheWhisp]

Can your wife speak German? Are there any other wives with young children that she could maybe get together with? I can imagine a lot of frustration if I was in a foreign country where I couldn't speak the language and didn't have other adults to interact with.

[MorningStar]

Excellent points. You couldn't possibly know how tired she is and she couldn't know how tired you are. It's impossible to determine who is more tired, stressed, etc., so trying to gain more free time by telling your wife you are more tired/stressed is kind of pointless and probably makes her feel like her feelings aren't validated. My friend's husband has told her repeatedly, "I wish I could stay home and play all day ..." Yet he practically throws a fit if she wants him to watch their son for an hour. Taking care of that child is NOT playing all day with the tantrums he throws.

Also, if you have a regular job, you should have the required breaks and a lunch hour. Lunch for moms with toddlers typically involves children throwing their food, begging for your food, rejecting the food they don't want (even though they asked for it), and asking for more, just so they can waste it. Then there's all the stuff you do that they undo and not even being able to go to the bathroom without an audience. With a regular job, you at least get to pee in private. Once I told my husband, "Imagine if you had to take the kids to work and they unnailed everything you nailed, threw your paperwork around, started hanging on your legs while you're trying to work, etc. That's what it's like at home with everything I try to get done." And I can pretty much guarantee that in 99% of regular jobs, no one is taking poo our of their diapers and throwing it or other unpleasant things (could happen in nursing homes, I suppose).

Being a stay at home mom and working out of the home are stressful and tiring for different reasons. I think it's best to assume you are both equally tired and become a team to battle that.

[MorningStar]

I love that book! I can't believe you guys know it exists..Wow..

okay here is another idea..

Go to a Weekend to Remember conference..google it if you want to.

They are absoutly amazing and it will rejuenate your marriage , giving you a bibical basis for your marriage, help you to learn to fight fairly, teach you how to love unconditional etc.

you get small progjects for you to work on together to help you communicate.. Trust me i just came back from one for my second time.. They are wonderful for failing marriages.

Why is that surprising that we know the book exists? It's a good book and we like to find truth wherever we can. :)

[lostnfound]

Why is that surprising that we know the book exists? It's a good book and we like to find truth wherever we can. :)

Becouse that book is widely used in non lds christian churches..I did not lds churches teach it as well.

[MorningStar]

Becouse that book is widely used in non lds christian churches..I did not lds churches teach it as well.

I see. I think I found my copy at Barnes and Noble after my sister-in-law told me about it. We had a good time talking about what everyone's love language is in the family. That reminds me. My friend still has my copy. Darn her.

[checkerboy]

My ex kept my copy that was a gift from our bishop. Dang her. Yeah I love that book and am gonna make any future spousal prospects read it and figure out their love language before we go any further.

[teekojames]

Jory, I think your wife needs you, she needs some of your time to be with her alone. cheer her up, make her laugh and tell her that there is nothing more important in this world but to be with her and your children.

As a mother and a wife, there is nothing i want from my husband but to hear and see that he cares about me..spend some of his time with me and to play with the kids. I'm so grateful for my husband and so I encourage u to do the same to your wife.

Give a try and never show that you so tired....she will understand later on but for a start...cheer her up.

[Marsha8]

Hello

Ok my wife and i are both very frustrated and we continually argue over the same things. We both feel we are trying but nothing changes. I feel that I try to spend as much time with them as i can i work for the military and that unfortunately leaves her stuck in Germany Taking care of the kids without many friends to help break up her day so its the same thing every day for her. On the weekends i am worn out and tired i would rather sit in the house with them then go out doing things and she gets very upset and i feel like if i ever want to do anything i will get in trouble and she will be mad at me. I need some relax time i need some me time and she wants me to explain exactly how much i need so she can schedule the day. I try to tell her that it is different every day some times i am more stressed and need more time to just chill. I still go to the park with them multiple times a week and then the one time i say I'm just going to sit in here and relax she gets so mad and is crying and telling me that i need to prioritize things that i don't spend family time. No matter what i say she seems to only see the negative what should i do? Should i just give up being me and do everything she wants all the time? If i do that things won't last cause unhappy is unhappy. i try to get her to take her time but I'm still never good enough it seems. So please some advice would be appreciated. HELP!!!!!!!

I know how she feels. You need to let her know that she is top priority. Make a date at least every two weeks for just the two of you to go out and have some personal time. Even taking a walk and talking works wonders. Also make a personal time at leat every two weeks that you spend some special time playing or whatever that is set aside just for the family. Then she is more likely to be satisfied with the other times when you want to do whatever. Be sure to put these days on the calendar so she can have something to look forward to.

[Tough Grits]

Wonderful posts!

When we fall in love, we rarely think ahead to the stress of marriage/work/finances/children/callings/ etc.

I think it is futile, as mentioned in another post, to try and determine who works harder physically/emotionally. It doesn't matter. Each of us is unique, and how we respond to our own situations will be unique as well.

As in another post, when we give ourselves completely to each other...then it no longer matters how long you work or how long she works. It is the good of the relationship/marriage that matters most. Raising successful, healthy children can only truly come from having a successful, healthy marriage.

For example: I work full-time at an elementary school as a 1st grade paraprofessional. I also go to college full-time at night. I am a wife. I am a mother of a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I do the yard work. I do the finances. I clean the house. I get the kids up and dressed every morning. I read to them every night at bedtime and whenever we have the luxury of taking a nap. I also pray with them in the morning and at night.

My husband works in retail as a manager, and his shifts are normally between 11/12 hours a day, and mostly closing the store at night. Although he only has one job, that one job for him is the equivalent of ALL the "jobs" I have. Why?

Because I love him dearly, and I know that he is doing the foremost thing that he can do as a husband/father: he is providing for his family.

Also, he cannot handle as many balls in the air as I can. I am a VERY hyper/manic personality. I can do more. He can only handle one task at a time. But that one task, he does well and with great efficiency. So, I do not penalize him just because my personality/character allows me to do more. That is my skill/talent...not his.

Having said that, I do get VERY tired and overwhelmed at times when I actually have a moment to think about ALL that I do in a week. But why should that matter? Is my pride and ego more valuable than my love for him? No.

That does not mean that I don't get stressed or frustrated, it just means that I can reason with myself during these times of stress, and remind myself of all the other things my husband does that outweigh whatever frustration I may be experiencing.

He is honest. Faithful. Funny. He can bake. He can fix ANYTHING. He can build ANYTHING. He is so spiritually knowledgeable. I know that I can ask him any question of a spiritual/scriptural nature and his answer will be correct. He is smart. He will do anything I ask of him. Now, that last part irks me. I should be thankful that I have a husband who will do any task/chore that I ask him to do, but most women feel that we should not HAVE TO ask. My husband and I have discussed this odd phenomenon in women. He thinks we are all mostly nuts. So, I have had to get over my own self and learn to ask him for help when I need it, and not suffer in silence waiting for him to read my mind and do what I think he should do without me asking him to do it. Whew.

Anyway, all those things I mentioned above truly do balance out all the "stuff" that I do all week. I love him enough to not care about who does what or who does more or who's job is harder.

That is not easy. It is something that I have to continually "work out" in my head. I have to constantly remind myself that his qualities and characteristics matter more than all the stress that I have from my over-loaded schedule.

I wake up every morning at 5 am. Going to bed past 10 pm at night puts me in a bad way the next morning. However, there have been more times than I can count that I have gone to bed past mid-night doing something for him or the kids. They come first to me. Even if it means that I wake up upset that 5 am came WAY too soon. LOL LOL

So, what can you do to help the situation?

Put God first. I don't know whether you are a member or not...but it does not matter. When we place the Savior at the center of our lives, then we are better able to put our family first.

Think of it this way...ever notice how there are always 3 members of a head? Three members of the Godhead (Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost). Three members of the First Presidency (the Prophet and his two counselors). Three members in any stake/ward/branch presidency. Three members of any auxiliary presidency.

My point? There are three members to every marriage- or there should be. Heavenly Father stands at the head, with the husband as first counselor, and the wife as second counselor.

This is not church doctrine. This is just something that I have come to realize, that has truly helped my husband and I to put a more spiritual/eternal perspective on our marriage.

I like this imagery, because it shows that the true leader of every marriage is Heavenly Father. It shows that BOTH husband and wife are counselors and have a say in the affairs of the marriage and family. Husband and wife stand BESIDE each before God. Yes, the husband is the first counselor, a spiritual leader of the home, but by thinking of the wife as second counselor it puts emphasis on how the man cannot be without the woman, and how the woman cannot be without the man.

I don't know if any of this helped, but I know that when things need to change...it is often best to start with ourselves. Most of the time our change will encourage others around us to change as well. But what if it doesn't? What if we change and nobody else changes with us?

Well, I would still rather be doing what I know to be right all by myself, than doing what is wrong in a crowd of people. When I stop worrying about me, then I can open my heart and mind to truly care for others around me.

Hope you find your answer, and I hope your marriage will come out of this refiner's fire stronger and more loving that it has ever been.

~TG

[Misshalfway]

These situations are so hard. And I am sorry about your struggle. But there is hope and these things do have wonderful solutions. My H and I really like this book. It has made a great deal of difference in how we interpret and deal with our conflicts. Anyway, good luck to you. You have received some really good advice.

[I]Learning to Love: From Conflict to Lasting Harmony, By Don and Martha Rosenthal.

[Iggy]

There has never been a husband that was shot by the wife for washing dishes without being asked.

[MorningStar]

That just reminded me of this commercial I saw for that show According to Jim (I think that's what it's called.) The wife comes home and the husband says, "I didn't know if you wanted me to do the dishes or not, so I didn't."

[Hemidakota]

Having been married for 27-years, each growing day has only increased my love for my companion.

[Liesl]

I can see you have been inundated with advise, and I'll add my two cents worth. Sorry to say I'm going to be bias since as a women I have more empathy there, no down playing on the hard work you do.

I'm a stay-at-home mom of 5 children, ages 11,9,7,2 1/2 and 5 wks, trust me, I know. Been married almost 12 yrs now and my hubby still doesn't get it.... he always has me time with computer games, band, tv and just plain doing what he wants when he gets home, I've just learned to keep quiet and carry on with my work, but I got clever. I know I thrive after being in adult company, keeps my brain on the grown up level and not baby talk all the time, so I do so at the local gym. By just saying hi and laughing amongst the women that are regulars there does me the world of good. I also took up my passion again. Many ppl think I'm crazy, but I know that sometimes it's what makes life worth carrying on, especially at those horrible depressing times.

You often hear women say..."It's the small things that count"... Well, that's a lie, everything counts, we just TRY overlook as much as our stomachs can handle....hehehe

Let me break it down what your wife is now and still becoming, she is a teacher, doctor, lawyer, referee, coach, bus driver, cook, nutritionist, seemstress, psychologist, spy, artistic, musician, accountant, plumber, electrician, handyman, superwoman, maid and after she has scrubbed the toilet she will smile and TRY look sexy for you... Do you get the picture? So when you come home wanting me time and not notice all she has had to do... she is going to get upset.

Remember, you get to leave your work behind you while she eats and sleeps at her work. That labour of love can very soon change when she can't hold herself or her family together anymore and cracks. Just because she loves the kids doesn't make dirty work any easier, you just do it.

She may need to get out and get some socialize with adults to feel like one herself, maybe she also depends on you for some sanity too, hence the desperation for you to have down time with the family, just because she needs you to talk rubbish too so she can charge her battery tool.

Another thing, she is in a foreign country and girls need their friends and family, you are her family.

I told my husband that when I complain that he's never there, he should take it as a compliment cause it means I still want him around and miss him..... start worrying when she doesn't say anything because she has learned to do better without you and no longer needs you.