Bini

Bini, I am providing you with the guidelines a bishop receives from the Handbook of Instructions and what you decide to do is your choice; however, the letter sent will be sent to your stake president and to your bishop.
 
The bishop will seek to contact you.  If you don't want a meeting then you have a couple choices: 1) Ignore the contact 2) Accept contact a have a brief phone or in person discussion.
 
Name removal is not confidential.  All auxiliary leaders will know about the removal especially if any were your home teachers.  Diligent EQPs will recognize names which are no longer on the list and will ask the bishop why and the bishop will inform them of the members decision, and will also inform of a no-contact specification; however, if one member is active expect visits.  
 
If a family member contacts a known bishop and asks about a family member the bishop, nor the Church, are not under any confidentiality agreement to not be honest if a family asks a question about another family member.  The bishop will simply say, they have asked for their name to be removed from the records of the Church.  
 
There isn't any rule also, that the bishop is unable to contact known family members in this decision.  If the bishop is aware, could possibly be a close family friend, he is able to contact family members to confirm or to inquire if they knew of this decision.
 
A lot of myth is on the internet about name removal.  Bini, not seeking to scare or to dissuade your decision; I am letting you know proper guidelines the Church provides to its local leaders.

My personality type is such that I never want to offend. I have such a trepidation of offending or hurting someone's feelings, that I have learned over the years how to tell the truth in a manner that is not offensive.  I'm not saying that I am perfect at it.  But, what I have learned, is that the person to whom you are speaking needs to know that they are loved and accepted.  If it is necessary to point out a gospel principle that someone does not understand or does not believe, there are ways to do so, and speaking truthfully, where they are not offended with me, the bearer of the truth.  They may be "offended" at the truth, because it is something they are not ready to accept, but they are not offended with me or the way I presented it. And, hopefully, it does not leave a "sour taste" for the Church because I was able to state the truth in a manner that did not "offend" them personally.
 
For example:  if you say "you are wrong", this automatically puts the person on the defensive.  Instead, if you say, "I disagree, but I see your point of view", or some like-minded thought, it diffuses the tone of the debate.
 
When I think of the Savior, I think of him as teaching with love. And, it is a love that is honest and true, not feigned. I would hope that my interactions with anyone would be with love. When I think of the good I can do here on LDS.net, I want to be sure I am Christlike. I want to be a disciple of Christ, and be a tool in his hands. If I offend someone, whether church member or not, I don't believe that is what Christ would want me to do. He would expect me to find a way to state the truth, but in such a way that the person does not feel defensive, but loved/accepted.  Even, if they don't agree with the "truth" I would hope they would go away with at least an understanding of what the Church/Gospel is, and perhaps when they are ready for the "truth", because they felt love and accepted, they will want to know more and perhaps be more receptive, rather than never wanting anything to do the Church again.

I think it pretty much boils down to intent. In my opinion, t is isn't really about the content of the message but our motivation behind them.
 
Frankly, it takes a little introspection and thoughtful reflection to determine whether the "truth" we want to share needs to be shared to  help/bless a brother or sister (and even in that scenario, we should carefully analyze how we say it, and whether is the right time to say it, etc).
 
Or
 
Are we simply trying to prove that the other person is wrong and we are right? What happens when we share the "truth" and the other person disagrees? Can we let it go, respectfully? Can we agree to disagree? Or do we continue trying and trying to impose (perhaps more like shove down their throat) our truth?
 
Speaking the truth is noble, once we are speaking the truth in love.

You must be tactful in all things.
 
If you offend, no one will listen. You don't get bees with vinegar. It's all about being tactful.

No, you have absolutely no reason to tell your friend your past struggles. Let go of the guilt you feel and enjoy life!

Yeh someone try to tell a Filipino woman (who lives in poverty) that she can't cook. Good luck with that!

Yeh someone try to tell a Filipino woman (who lives in poverty) that she can't cook. Good luck with that!

Vort, to clarify, I'm not really that interested in getting involved with this discussion. My comment was between the lines, perhaps like the original post, in that no one can tell a Filipino woman that she can't cook - regardless of if she's poor or rich. It'd be like telling a Jewish woman she doesn't have an opinion, or a woman from the Netherlands, like my husband's side of the family - you don't tell those women what they can and can't do :) It ain't gonna fly.

Yeh someone try to tell a Filipino woman (who lives in poverty) that she can't cook. Good luck with that!

It's hard to know what turns people away.  It might be race.  It might be nervousness over an accent.  It could be something you said or did, that meant nothing to you, but was interpreted negatively by the other person.  To give an example, I was speaking with another pastor one time, and we were talking about beverages.  I said that I prefer higher-end brands, as they really do taste better.  His response was something to the effect that he did not think Jesus would be so picky.  I was totally caught off guard by that.  He thought I was being pretentious, snooty, and arrogant.  We continued to be acquaintances, but I doubt he would ever let me get close after that.  There wasn't much I could do.  He'd formed an opinion, and no protesting on my part would change that.  So, I was nice to him--cordial, but came to realize that we were never meant to be close buddies.
 
Perhaps your neighbor falls into this category.  The problem is probably not yours, and you cannot do much to fix it.  So, be nice, be cordial, but stop investing emotional energy into this lady.  She's probably not one that Heavenly Father meant for you to get close to.

I used to get really annoyed with the cutesy or clueless testimonies that families give. I remember just sitting there and rolling my eyes. Now that I'm a parent myself, a young one with a young child (still figuring out the parenting thing), I've become more tolerant and understanding of the (sometimes chaotic) improvising. I like Vort's thought process of guiding children with sharing their testimony during family home evening. That just seems like a better setting to help get kids ready for fast and testimony meeting at church. But kids can be unpredictable too, and despite preparation, things don't always pan out as planned...
 
I totally "get" the elderly rambles. When I was a nurse I did a lot of one-on-one care with folks, and many of them felt that I had no idea what hardship and sacrifice was. I also encountered a good handful of them that referred to me as the "coloured girl" even though I wore a name tag. With these guys, I just took it for what it was, they'd lived a life and in a to,e that I knew nothing of. It was different then. So I gave them that, and I'd just smile, and let them get on their soap box to rant, rave, and tell their stories. The one thing I did correct was my name, I'd say, "My name is Bini," every time I got called something else.

I used to get really annoyed with the cutesy or clueless testimonies that families give. I remember just sitting there and rolling my eyes. Now that I'm a parent myself, a young one with a young child (still figuring out the parenting thing), I've become more tolerant and understanding of the (sometimes chaotic) improvising. I like Vort's thought process of guiding children with sharing their testimony during family home evening. That just seems like a better setting to help get kids ready for fast and testimony meeting at church. But kids can be unpredictable too, and despite preparation, things don't always pan out as planned...
 
I totally "get" the elderly rambles. When I was a nurse I did a lot of one-on-one care with folks, and many of them felt that I had no idea what hardship and sacrifice was. I also encountered a good handful of them that referred to me as the "coloured girl" even though I wore a name tag. With these guys, I just took it for what it was, they'd lived a life and in a to,e that I knew nothing of. It was different then. So I gave them that, and I'd just smile, and let them get on their soap box to rant, rave, and tell their stories. The one thing I did correct was my name, I'd say, "My name is Bini," every time I got called something else.

I'm super picky about who I leave my daughter with, even when it comes to family. Be picky! Be careful leaving your child with someone that is eager to make a quick buck. Also, if you don't know the individual on a personal level, make sure you have some good background history on him or her - it's not a perfect process but it's a start. I would never leave my child with someone who does not know CPR (and it's different from infant to adult). So those are some things to consider when looking for someone to tend your kiddo.

Mom's Night Out
 
We watched this as a family and it had the most excellent message. It's about a woman that is spread so thin, that she's lost herself, and she doesn't know where to begin to pickup the pieces. Though the movie is filmed with a comical tone, it touches on the realities of being a wife and mother, and the sometimes seemingly impossible balance between that and meeting your own needs. I didn't see it coming but at the near end, I found myself crying, there was just so much truth to it. But it's an uplifting movie, you don't come away feel down, you come away feeling fortunate for what you have. You come away feeling and knowing that you're not alone in the stresses of being a homemaker. Definite worth watch for a husband and wife that have children.

I knew that coming back to the forums would get me second guessing myself.
 
Estradling, thanks for your post. I have been going pretty strong in terms of the gospel for the last few years, but this last year has been a shaky one for me, I've just lost motivation and passion. Should be a good reason for this but there isn't. I've just started re-questioning things in my head, some of those things just don't add up, no matter how I try to problem solve it. Interestingly enough, my hang-ups aren't on Church history, but more of just basic stuff like the Plan of Salvation and life after death in the three kingdoms. I'm not convinced. I have never read the Book of Mormon in entirety, at this point I have little desire to, but also knowing myself (I'm not a reader - can't even read gossip mags) I won't ever get around to reading it. I know there's debate on whether someone can know the gospel is true without reading the BOM, so assuming the answer is NO, you can't know without reading it - then I'm probably just never going to know. (I do know people in my life who claim firm testimonies but have never read the BOM, so maybe it's possible...)
 
NT, thank you for your words. While I'm on the fence right now, I believe I have a good hold of what is right and what is wrong. In some instances, I think I've become a lot more straight laced in my approach on things, solely because of my daughter. And no, I haven't met Norman Reedus yet but it's coming up very soon, after the New Year. I have heard from other fans that he has no personal space boundaries, and I might get more than what I had bargained for, so maybe blue steel will suffice.

I think most Christian organisations appreciate the manger sentiment. I would guess that it would be non-Christians that would prefer seeing a wreath hung up instead. Understandable, we all come from different backgrounds and cultures. I think being sensitive to these differences, as you are Backroads, is for the better.

I knew that coming back to the forums would get me second guessing myself.
 
Estradling, thanks for your post. I have been going pretty strong in terms of the gospel for the last few years, but this last year has been a shaky one for me, I've just lost motivation and passion. Should be a good reason for this but there isn't. I've just started re-questioning things in my head, some of those things just don't add up, no matter how I try to problem solve it. Interestingly enough, my hang-ups aren't on Church history, but more of just basic stuff like the Plan of Salvation and life after death in the three kingdoms. I'm not convinced. I have never read the Book of Mormon in entirety, at this point I have little desire to, but also knowing myself (I'm not a reader - can't even read gossip mags) I won't ever get around to reading it. I know there's debate on whether someone can know the gospel is true without reading the BOM, so assuming the answer is NO, you can't know without reading it - then I'm probably just never going to know. (I do know people in my life who claim firm testimonies but have never read the BOM, so maybe it's possible...)
 
NT, thank you for your words. While I'm on the fence right now, I believe I have a good hold of what is right and what is wrong. In some instances, I think I've become a lot more straight laced in my approach on things, solely because of my daughter. And no, I haven't met Norman Reedus yet but it's coming up very soon, after the New Year. I have heard from other fans that he has no personal space boundaries, and I might get more than what I had bargained for, so maybe blue steel will suffice.

I knew that coming back to the forums would get me second guessing myself.
 
Estradling, thanks for your post. I have been going pretty strong in terms of the gospel for the last few years, but this last year has been a shaky one for me, I've just lost motivation and passion. Should be a good reason for this but there isn't. I've just started re-questioning things in my head, some of those things just don't add up, no matter how I try to problem solve it. Interestingly enough, my hang-ups aren't on Church history, but more of just basic stuff like the Plan of Salvation and life after death in the three kingdoms. I'm not convinced. I have never read the Book of Mormon in entirety, at this point I have little desire to, but also knowing myself (I'm not a reader - can't even read gossip mags) I won't ever get around to reading it. I know there's debate on whether someone can know the gospel is true without reading the BOM, so assuming the answer is NO, you can't know without reading it - then I'm probably just never going to know. (I do know people in my life who claim firm testimonies but have never read the BOM, so maybe it's possible...)
 
NT, thank you for your words. While I'm on the fence right now, I believe I have a good hold of what is right and what is wrong. In some instances, I think I've become a lot more straight laced in my approach on things, solely because of my daughter. And no, I haven't met Norman Reedus yet but it's coming up very soon, after the New Year. I have heard from other fans that he has no personal space boundaries, and I might get more than what I had bargained for, so maybe blue steel will suffice.

Part of the purpose of the sacrament is to renew baptismal convents, is it not?  Like being re-baptized every week.  Except that it's much easier to carry two dozen cups than two dozen tubs :).

Clean slates are nice.  I wipe mine all the time.
 
As a convert, I have occasionally been tempted to think I have more skin in the LDS game (to put it crudely) because I consciously chose to join the church and didn't just grow up in it without an explicit decision to join.  I certainly understand the desire to "own" your membership in a church by consciously choosing it instead of having it pressed upon you.   
 
But I can't help wonder if there isn't an easier way to clean your slate?  Best wishes whatever you decide, of course.

Bini, whatever you do, I would strongly suggest to take your time. No need to rush. I do not know what you are going through but whatever decision you take, please take it when you are the least stressed and emotional. We tend to take wrong decisions that way.
 
Most importantly, no matter what you decide I want to wish you an amazing life whether is in or out of the Church. We are sisters and always will be. :)

My past has some similarities here.  I left the church at age 19 (basically, as soon as my mom couldn't make me go any more).  I didn't believe.  I had never believed.  I had rarely tried to believe.  
 
By age 26, I was a few credit hours away from a minor in philosophy (but hadn't found any answers there).  I wanted what my LDS friends had, but wasn't willing to lie and pretend and attend a church or worship a God I didn't even know existed.  So I started reading the BoM and praying to know.  Before I would budge in genuine church activity, I needed to believe.  And before I would believe, I needed to know.
 
Anyway, here I am as a moderator of lds.net, so you can guess how it turned out.   From my perspective, when I got my genuine testimony I would need to be rebaptized.  They told me "nope - just pick up the covenants you already made and start keeping them".  That made sense.
 
God bless you Bini.  Stay true to your sense of right and wrong.  I came through my experiences with the notion that the only truly valid reason to be a Mormon, was you believe God wants you to be one.  The book promises that sure foundation if you jump through the hoops in the right way.  I did, and it was worth it.
 
Oh - did you ever kiss the guy from Walking Dead?

I have not said anything before because it is your choice, (and I can respect that)  I had no real practical experience to offer, and all the generic things I might have said had already been said.  But with this post I feel I have something to add.
 
When you asked about having your name removed I figured/guess/assumed that you wanted to cut off all contact with the church more or less permanently.  Removing your name is the way to do that.  But this post sound like you are more interesting in maybe taking a break and then trying to start over?
 
Removing your name for a reset or starting over is like setting off a bomb when you want to remodel your house.  Sure it can gets you a clean slate, but it is much more extreme then is really necessary.
 
If you are looking to come back (maybe) at a future date then there are less extreme methods to do that then to have your name removed.

I haven't done it yet. The urgency I'd felt a week ago has calmed itself a bit, but I feel pretty confident that this is something I want to pursue. I was baptised when I was eight, like most kids raised in the Church, and I don't feel that I knew the magnitude of the decision I was making. I wish I had been allowed more time to learn and process before doing it. Honestly, I don't recall there being much of an option, but I do recall it being expected by family and ward members. I'd like a clean slate and to be re-baptised if and when I'm ready.

Read the original post and sort of skimmed through the responses.
 
Yes, there is White Privilege. It varies from city to city, and state to state, and country to country. Here's an observation I've found being "brown skinned" and married to a White man. When we travel together, especially to third world countries, he is always treated to the highest standard - people will greet him and wait on him as if he were a king. Unless I am physically by his side or holding his hand, there have been many times that I have been completely invisible. When I was a bit younger and still vacationing with my folks and siblings, there were awkward moments when people would assume I was "help" to the family, and not apart of the family. These are personal experiences of mine, and confirmation that yes indeed, there is White Privilege.
 
In America, we are a melting pop of rich culture and diversity. It's heartbreaking that despite the progressive changes we have made as a society, we are still so far off target when it comes to everyone being equals. No one group of people is better or more important than another - yet society enables it. Depending on the demographic, certain areas have more White Privilege and certain areas have more Minority Privileges. I agree that we can only move forward starting by examining our own behaviour and how we react to those different from ourselves. Nobody wants to be labelled as a bully. Nobody wants to be labelled as a lowlife. More tolerance is needed on both ends of the spectrum.