Quin

Maybe 15-20% of our ward are married to non-members. I can't say how many are over the moon, I don't know them all that well... But it's really common in our area. Q

I like Canada's approach. Tasers, beanbag rounds, gas, etc... Are described as "LESS Lethal". Because ANY of the non-bullet options can be, and often are, LETHAL. They're used, when used properly, in a situation that calls for lethal force. Which means that there IS an immediate threat to life. Less lethal options give the person a chance. Not a guarantee. In America, we started describing things like mace & beanbag (or rock salt, whatever) as NON-lethal. Nope. Gas an asthmatic, and you've got a dead person. Beanbag round to anyone with conditions A-Z, or in the throat, etc. = a dead person. Flash bang an epileptic or seizure disorders A-Z, or, or, or ,or. Bini, I hear what you're saying, I've worked in hospitals, too. But I've also been in combat in urban areas. And I've lived in gangland. (Where the MOST dangerous people you'll face are actually 10-12yos. Both in the US, and in countries that actively recruit that age group... Because they are VICIOUS, they don't hesitate, and they're completely unpredictable. They might shoot you, or push a random person -or friend or family member! someone they actually love- in front of a car to distract you before they shoot you. Cause and effect reeeeeally hasn't wired completely. They'll also blame you for their loved one being run over, and think the stranger just sat there waiting for it/obviously could have avoided getting hit, right in front of a bus. Some argue 7-14, and I wouldn't necessarily argue, but in my experience... I'd rather face a 7yo with an AK -Jamaica, 1998-, than a 10yo with a bike chain -Northern Afrika 1999... And I'll take EITHER of those in a clinic setting over on the street.). The difference between restraining an individual in a hospital system.... With walls & locking doors, minimal bystanders, limited weapons available, codes to call/backup en force readily available, contained risk to others (also, not unsubstantially, with the psychological advantage all on tthe restrainers side, as well as the physical) ... is night and day from restraining a person on the street. My son is 11. He's a good kid. But I'll tell you something... I hands down, flat out, prefer police to use ANY less lethal option on him any time their other option is to shoot him. Even if they gassed him, which would kill him, because at least they were TRYING to give him a chance. Q

How do I get them to sit down and be reverent without spending the entire class repeating it? 1) You won't. Ever. Period. It's like asking how to have a newborn do surgery, or not wet their diaper. Most kids (neurological disorders excluded*) have about a 15 minte attention span, MAX. Which means, amongst other things that you will be repeating yourself every 10 minutes if you wan them on task, and more like every 5. If you're CHANGING tasks every 15 minutes or so, you'll be fine. One thing that may help you get your timing down better is to watch kids shows for a bit. At home. Look at their timing. Magic School Bus to Zaboomafoo... They're changing things up every few minutes. While some people like to chicken & egg this bit (saying TV creates the timing, instead of children's programming spending zillions researching what keeps kids rapt) a: the timing is true even in cultures without TV, neurophysiologists have studied this enough it's in textbooks, and b: doesn't matter since that's what you've got to work with. Another thing is to break your lesson up into pieces. A thinking piece, a doing piece, a listening piece, etc. I mostly worked with ADHD kids, so we always had a "get the wiggles out" break between pieces (also our pieces were longer, ADHD has craaaaaaazy attention & focus, we're talking hours at a time when a kid gets hyper focused on something), but when I taught neurotypical kids they also appreciated the break. NOT free for all. Not unless you've got a playground. Once you get kids running in circles and poking each other, that's all she wrote. Day is done, gone the sun, and you've totally got to redirect. Directed motion is pretty key. From toddler games (duck duck goose), to older kid games (theatre sports is perfect for this age group), to yoga/stretches/calesthenics. Red light Greenlight & Teacher May I is good with reestablishing control. (Teacher says, act like a monkey! Teacher says hold your breath!). There are churchy versions of these games, but I'd frankly save them for later, and stick with what they've been drilled in for years to respond to, because 8/9/10 is also when they start making fun of things that are different/ coming up with their own spoof. Which is dangerous. Because body parts are hilarious at this age ("full eclipse" replaced mooning, thank heavens -aka sticking your bum out like you're mooning, but your pants are coving up the moon). NOTHING is more funny right now than butts. (k is yes/no, 1st is potty humor, etc. This age group is bums and mad libs). You're lucky. Sex humor is slightly younger & slightly older. Just think of it that way. Oh thank goodness, it's just bums and the noises they make! 2) My husband suggested sending kids who commit the same misbehavior repeatedly to sit with their parents in their classes. Is this effective, or does this result in confrontation? Or both? .. Totally depends on the kind of behavior. If they're just being normal 8&9yos (short attention span, wiggles, having to repeat yourself 10,000 times, etc.), that's like calling parents in to stay for an infant misbehaving for wetting their diaper. 3) Help My suggestion would be to work your hour (or 2, some wards it's 1 others 2) like this 1. They've just used up all their self control in sacrament, so start off with a game. Get the wiggles out. 2. Opening prayer. Have one of them do it. But don't force in the beginning if they get all shy. Go ahead and do it yourself for the first couple weeks. Then assign. (I'm randomly assigning Listening / Doing / Thinking, because that's what I usually do, but you can do any order, really). 3. Plan on doing about 10 minutes of reading (that's 3 minutes length in adult time). Have them pass the book. Give directions for your next bit (I'd do drawing or writing) but if they're squirrelly, do a game first. If not, let them draw. (Have an example or 3). 4. Game time. 5. Lesson Q&A. Get talking. Do a 60 second Shakespeare of the entire lesson FIRST. Most will have forgotten what you taught without prompting, otherwise. Not TOTALLY forgotten, They just need a reminder. But the cliff notes version ahead of time will save you from the sea of blank faces. 6. Closing prayer. Ditto, have them do it. If it's a 2hour segment, rinse, lather, repeat. Q

Tongue firmly in cheek. I dunno. It seems like (totally anecdotally!) the marriages I know that have gone 50+ happy years either started under 18, or after 30. There's like is no-mans land of the perilous 20s. Long enough to have been on your own to not like it, but not long enough to know who to add to it. Meanwhile those right out of school have never been on their own, and those over 30 are pretty solid in who they are and where they're going. _____ For real, I still think it's an individual case by case basis. Q

I read the title of this wrong... I read "survive an LDS sealing". Even had visions of guys with swords. I was just stumped for a moment. I know they changed the video, but who knew that now one had to dodge the arrows and slings of fortune for real befor- oh. Wait. Darn slysdexia. Q

I used to challenge the ocean to drown me. Once I did get sucked out in an undertow. Popped me right back up, but I had to swim a couple miles back in once I got out of it (swim at an angle). Next morning I was right back out there. Okay, ocean, whaddya got for me today? Shudder. I think I was in 4th grade that year. Maybe 7th. Either way. Yikes. My kids are older than that. I'd skin them if they did the stuff I used to. Q

I was really shocked when I took my first Enlglosh history class to find that for over 1,000 years the average age for marriage was ... Over 30. Yep. Reason given was inheritance. In that it took 10-15 years of working to save up enough to buy a house if you were the 2nd-10th son (1st son due to inherit the farm). Technically HALF a house. Since your wife to be would also be working (usually in service). Not that you knew each other, yet. As most people didn't start dating until they could wed. Only the exceptionally wealthy (top 3%) could afford to marry younger. Although they often didn't for reasons of politics. And pioneers. Meaning those of our grandparents who were off in the colonies married up young to breed as much as possible. Since so many of us were dead before 30, it was sort of prudent. Since I had kids young, it didn't even enter my mind what my bestie was floored with : OMG... If for over a 1000 years we were all having kids in our 30s & 40s, I think I can take a deep breath and relax. Huh. Yup. Makes sense. Q

200 years ago my cousin would have been the village idiot. 100 years ago, he would have been "slow", and either institutionalized for life or died in the mines or factories. Today... He's LFA. My niece. 200 years ago would have been odd. Or not. Maybe a good wife, works hard, never argues, always sweet. 100 years ago would have been odd. Or not. Maybe a good wife, works hard, never argues, always sweet. Today... She's HFA. Why do we see autism more these days? Lots of reasons. - Name has caught on - Higher survival rates - Less stigma - Mainstreaming - Insurance coverage (ADHD used to only be covered until age 18. Trust me, not everyone with ADHD all of a sudden became depressed on their 18th bday. But that's what the numbers look like. Because insurance would pay to treat depression in 18, but not ADHD. Kids who have myriad other disorders NOT autistic are falling under the autism umbrella in order to get treatment & IEPs/504s in school). There may or may not be an actual increase. I know ethnographers have tried to trace modern psych descriptions through history to arrive at percentages, but they have a lot of problems with it. LFA & TBI & can look the same. A lot of children died in infancy (younger than 2 years) Records are sketchy Normal things tended not to be recorded. War, plague, & famine disrupted record keeping on a fairly regular basis. Some disorders are self selectively useful in certain times & places (HFA is suspected to be as prevalent in monastic orders as it is now in Microsoft).* This one is what's leading me to believe there may actually be an increase. HFA is well known for its brilliance in certain avenues. While that giftedness in Western Europe usually meant.a vow of celibacy, in the East (and now) the opposite is true. HFA folk are marrying each other, and neurotypical folk, in record numbers... Because thee able to support themselves & a family in ways they were unable to in the west for centuries. Which would lead me to believe less that autism spectrum is on the rise, per say, and more reaching species norm levels. Shrug. I don't know. I don't know if anyone does. Q

I actually hurt myself laughing. Sunbeams. Check. Mental note: ask for a sword. Q

The man I loved at 17, instead of the boy I married at 23. I think on those things, sometimes. I think it has a great deal less to do with age, than it does with the individuals involved. I think that there are times in our lives when where're sure of ourselves, and times in our lives when we're plastic. I think those times are different for everyone. Strength & weakness, change & stability. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. Q

Ooooooooooh. I hope they get to keep them! Hey legal peeps! What's the statute on robbery? Do they have any wiggle room? Or govt property found in a state park = hand them over open & shut? Reward? Sumthin? Annathin? Q

That still makes sense, though. My bestie is an attorney. The million & one things I put up with... Infuriate her. Because I "have a case". I have no idea how many wealthy parents throw their kids out & cut them off without a penny... But I know a few of those kids. Raised in the best schools, with bright futures, and forced to make a choice between following their parents or being cut off... And they took being cut off. Unlike poorer kids who can apply for scholarships... They have no future for the next 6+ years. Minimum wage jobs that don't even pay enough to live off of, much less pay for school. I met my first round of these kids in the military. Later in community college. Many do make it. But it's a hard life to be suddenly plunged into poverty. Especially when your parents, siblings, family are the ones keeping you there as punishment Especially when everyone else at your level of poverty qualifies for aid. So I can definitely see her friend's dad, if he's an attorney who is like my friend, furious with this hole in the system, and her parents, and believing she has a case. For either finishing out high school, or "her" pre-existing college savings account, or both. You know... The more I think about this whole thing... The more I find myself agreeing with them. Even though I started out completely neutral / no way of knowing who is telling the truth about abuse or not. I think she has a case, too. Q

Okay, okay. Blues Bros. aside... I actually do listen to just about everything. Here's my playlist, grouped together-ish by genre, from this afternoon, which is a pretty good representative sample: Nina Simone. Billie Holiday Buddy Guy. Ella Fitzgerald. The Ramones. Slam Suzanne. Greenday 3oh!3. Black Eyed Peas. Maroon 5. Imagine Dragons. Avicii. Mumford & Sons. Kanye West. B.O.B Snoop Eminem Sir Mixalot Chris Young. Florida Georgia Line. Blake Shelton. Charlie Daniels Band. Carrie Underwood Crystal Method. Chemical Brothers. Rabbit in the Moon. Daft Punk. Prodigy. Journey. Led Zepplin. Carlos Santana. Sublime. Grateful Dead. Phish. Bob Marley Orff, Bach, Wagner, Delibes, Debussy Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, Puff the Magic Dragon, Cars, Pink Panther Squirrel Nut Zippers, Cherry Poppin Daddies. Ellington, Benny Goodman The Queens Own Highlanders, London Phil, MoTab Bob Dylan, John Denver (I group these last 2 together in honor of my parents, who each hated the other person's "whiny" voice) Q

I like BOTH kinds of music, round here. Country AND Western. Q

Generally not... As it's about sacrifice... Giving up something dear to you in remembrance. That said, people do Lent in myriad different ways. Pretty much anything you would choose to do can be looked at as a sacrifice (of time, if nothing else) if you spin it the right way. LOL... Catholic high schools have some reeeeeally quirky things given up for lent, as there is that age where just the idea of justifying is super attractive. So people get really creative. The way I was taught, however, is that it needs to be something so dear to you that losing it for 40 days is both painful, and pretty much your limit for not having it / you have every intention of restarting after Lent. The whole thing being symbolic of not only HF giving up his only son to us, and we also losing our Savior through his sacrifice.... But ALSO the joy of returning to HF once Lent is over and you can return to your _________. Which is why giving up a vice was frowned upon, although still encouraged as better than not giving up anything. Smoking wasn't included on the vice list, since everyone smoked, but the addiction made it a very painful thing to give up... So it was very popular to give up smoking for Lent for many decades. I don't know if THATs where the vice part came in, or if it's always been around. Q ETA... A common example of the kind of spin I'm talking about is a house wih 1 vegetarian & 1 Allfoodasaurus. The All-Food can take away meat for lent to sacrifice, and the vegetarian ADDS meat (sacrificing their vegetarianism) for lent.

With only a $13,000 legal bill... I'd be floored if there have been any investigations into the allegation, and at it's gone beyond he said / she said. Her lawyer says her home life is abusive and her parents kicked her out on her birthday, their lawyer says she a rule breaking hellion who left on her own. Either could be true, easily. It cost 40k, on TOP of my other legal fees, to prove the abuse in a minimally satisfactory way to the courts in my divorce case. It is notoriously difficult to prove abuse in upper middle class or wealthy families, and my numbers were pretty low-ball to average, because we had medical documentation & police response. A girlfriend in MO needed to,put down a 45k retainer JUST for psychological testing on her ex (and retainers are often less than half of your expected bill). Q

Then you take out loans. To be clear, this is not a requirement in divorce, it's an option. A commitment that most people who choose to have this option written in have already agreed to. I fought for it, because with my ex's serious 6 figure income, my kids will NEVER qualify for aid as long as they're still considered dependents (age 24, unless serving in the military or emancipated as a teen). But my ex will also not willingly pay for my children's education. He'll pay for OTHER people's kids (he's already paid 2 years of private schooling for his girlfriend's kids), but won't even pay half of private school tuition for his own, because they're also MINE, and he uses them to hurt me. As often as possible. So you have the people agreeing to this because they both feel education is vital (they tend to go with one of the more open ended clauses, that don't specify monetary caps, our cap is the lowest one out there, but it's a durn sight better than nothing!), and then you have people who have this clause written in to keep your children's futures from being weapons. Q

That's the parents position. Her position is abuse. I'm not going to believe either, out of hand. Q

It's really common in many states, though. The state I divorced in even has standard language in a couple different options. (We have the In-State option) In my divorce it reads (paraphrasing legalese, here, not fishing out the PP) that each parent is responsible for half of the tuition for an in-state school. Doesn't mean the kids CANT go to Yale or UCLA. But it means that it the state universities we have residence in cost 20k per year, and Yale costs 60k, that if they go to Yale, we're responsible for 20k. Q

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg: More and more parents are holding their kids back a year before starting school (red shirting) so that they start at age 6... Instead of age 5. Which means more and more kids are 18 & 19yo seniors. Legal adults still in highschool, through no fault of their own. Q

I'm in love with a new cookbook ... Thought I'd share it here, as I finally realized its vegetarian (the other one I have by the same author, Jerusalem, is not). Amazon.com: Plenty: Vibrant Recipes from London's Ottolenghi eBook: Yotam Ottolenghi, Jonathan Lovekin: Kindle Store Q

This is also just one tiny piece of what you put up there, but it caught my attention: You mentioned that your wife struggles with SSA. I wondering if that's something she actually struggles with, or simply who she is? I ask because 1) loads of bisexual people choose and commit to a single person (therefore a single sex/gender)... And it's no more of a struggle for them than a straight person committing to a single person. You've made your choice. Period. No struggle. Just is. But it often becomes an issue for their straight spouse... Since there's no one "safe", so they struggle with issues of jealousy. 2) If she's not Bisexual, but Homosexual/SSA... Then being in a Mixed Orientation Marriage is kind of a huge deal. And the one tiny blurb in the middle is, quite literally, burying the lead. Q

Another enthusiastic vote for counseling. As in ongoing. It sounds like you have a very strong marriage to have weathered so much... But I'm also seeing a lot of warning signs. Any one of which would rate serious counseling for. Often, people get into counseling JUST long enough to identify problems... And then that feels so huge in and of itself (well now that's sorted!) that they leave before the problems actually are sorted. So, now we've got great buzz words to use in a fight, and specific things to stew over (instead of the amorphous mess of "wrong"), but nothing else. And it usually takes several years to deal with problems that have become habits, or to build up enough trust for resentment to fade. Resentment is one of the harder issues to deal with... Becuase it usually takes years and years of building up in the first place. So the behaviors actually have to have stopped for years before any repeat doesn't just pile on years of hurt at their repetition. A micro example is H wants to go out Monday. Sure, hon! Have fun! H wants to go out on Tuesday. Okay. Say hi to the boys for me. H wants to go out on Wednesday. Yeah, sure, of course. But, look, I'm going to need you here tomorrow. H wants to go out on Thurs. well, if you PROMISE to be here Friday, and don't forget I need you on Sunday. H wants to go out on Friday. Fight ensues. H wants to go out on Sat/ since didn't get to on Friday. Baffled as to why wife is upset. Again. She wasn't mad earlier in the week, why is she being so unreasonable NOW? H goes out on Sunday. I stayed home and all we did was fight? Why bother staying home? You're going to be mad at me no matter what. You're so inconsistent. You were FINE earlier in the week! Fictional Wife is more than happy for Fictional Husband to go out earlier in the week, because he hadn't gone out every night. But resentments build (just in the course of a week) because of the continuing pattern. By the end of the week, with the same pattern, broken promises, having to beg, fights, et All... Now everything is sucked into into it. It'll probably be weeks later before mention of going out doesn't start a fight, because of the week prior. Resentment is like that. Something that IS fine, when taken out of context, when piled up becomes a problem. It's like cars on the road. They're fine when it's just one, or there's sufficient space between them, but pile them up and you've either got a jam or a wreck. And then add in a totally unrelated car, and it just adds to the problem. And nothing, but nothing, fixes the problem but fewer cars. I don't know what your wife is resenting. But it won't be a quick fix. It is, however, one of the only things you CAN fix. This may be the only time in your life you've listed out all of her problems, But that's really all we got. Her problems + she's holding a lot of resentment towards you for unspecified stuff. THATS the stuff you can work on. Her side of the street you can't do much about. But you can work on yours. Q

I have a much larger response to Suzies post coming... But I just have to respond to this: We homeschooled for many years. Post divorce, no longer possible. My kids were soooooooo much more social when we were HS'ing than they are now in public school! Now, in public school, they have a small handful of close friends, and probably 20-30 acquaintances While HS'ing, they each had 20-30'close friends... And hundreds of acquaintances. It's a facet of time and employment. While HS'ing they were each generally in 3-4 year round activities, and then 2-3 seasonal ones. In addition to outside classes, camps, etc. In away-school, they're stuck in one room with 20 kids 8 hours a day, or are with 50 different kids every hour (middle&highschool). The first, you're only going to really gel with a couple of kids. The second, and even if you'd gel with a couple of kids in each class, there simply isn't the time to form a friendship. In each case, the kids end up with 2-3 close friends. We also MAYBE have time to do 1 seasonal OR 1 year round activity. So, ditto there. Which makes up that small handful. So 20 close friends, 100s of acquaintances vs 4. But people talk about how much more social they "get" to be now that they're in away school and I just burst out laughing. I think The Bitter Homeschooler said it best: Q

My 14yo neighbor in Riyadh (Saudi Arabia) got bit by a cobra that swam up the toilet plumbing. Q