In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

I've heard that joke but the last line was:

She said, "I want to go somewhere expensive."

I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.

[pam]

Office Serenity Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I cannot accept,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today

because they ticked me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they

may be connected to the butt that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

[pam]

Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk haircut, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure, my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Frank (hopefully your future father-in-law)

P.S. Congratulations on winning the $100 million Texas lottery!

[skippy740]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[ferretrunner]

What did the buffalo say to his child when he was leaving?

Bye son.

(Bison) *groan*

[Kenny]

did you hear about Larry La Prise who wrote the hokey cokey lyrics poor bloke has passed away aged 93 traumatic part was putting him in is coffin well first they put his left leg in and then the trouble started

[Jamie123]

At the bottom of the ocean lived two prawns named Justin and Christian. They had one major worry in their lives, which was the danger of being eaten by the sharks who were swimming all around. They spent most of their time scuttling from cave to cave, hoping that the sharks wouldn't spot them.

One day Justin was visited by his fairy godprawn, who granted him one wish. Justin said "I wish I was a shark, so I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten!" So with a swish of her wand, the fairy turned Justin into a shark.

But unfortunately Justin wasn't very happy being a shark. None of the other sharks would talk to him, because they knew he wasn't really one of them, and his old friend Christian wouldn't talk to him either because he was terrified Justin would eat him. So Justin had a very miserable time skulking around the ocean floor all on his own.

Eventually, when he could stand the loneliness no longer, and he called out to his fairy godprawn for help. "Please!" he said "Please turn me back into a prawn!"

So the fairy waved her wand, and Justin was once again a prawn. He rushed look for his old friend Christian, whom he found cowering at the back of a cave, thoroughly terrified.

"Don't worry!" he shouted at the sight of him. "I'M A PRAWN-AGAIN, CHRISTIAN!"

[pam]

The young son of a doctor is playing in his father's office with a friend while the physician is seeing patients in the examining rooms. At one point, the son opens a closet door and shows his friend an articulated skeleton.

The other boy wants to play with it, but the doctor's son tells him they can't touch it.

"My dad would be angry if anything happened to that skeleton," he says. "He's really proud of it."

"Is he?" asks the friend. "Why?"

"I don't know," the doctor's son answers. "Maybe it was his first patient."

[pam]

An old man lived alone in Miami. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament:

"Dear Son: I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad"

Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents, along with local Miami police officers, showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you at this time."

[pam]

When the driver of a huge trailer loses control of his rig, he plows into an empty tollbooth and smashes it to pieces. He climbs down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulls up and discharges a crew of workers.

The men pick up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half-hour, they have the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver says to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

[talisyn]

An old man lived alone in Miami. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament:

"Dear Son: I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad"

Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents, along with local Miami police officers, showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you at this time."

What a good son!

[Mahone]

Fail!

[talisyn]

It's called cleaning out the shallow end of the gene pool, Mahone

[Moksha]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially

for someone of real value..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages..... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END.

(Found in an old e-mail, 1687)

[pam]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, 'Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!'

The panda yells back at the bartender, 'Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!'

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: 'A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves'

[pam]

Three nuns were driving across the desert and suddenly ran out of gas.

Remembering a gas station not too far back, one of them decided to walk back for enough gas to get them back for a fill-up.

The gas station owner said, "I'm so sorry, Sister, but the only container I have is this old bedpan. However, you are certainly welcome to use it!"

Agreeing, the nun filled the bedpan and walked back to the others waiting by the car. She removed the gas cap and started to fill the tank with the bedpan.

Just then, another driver came by, stopped and said, "Ladies, I am not Catholic, but I certainly do admire your faith."

[pam]

A distraught man staggers into a psychiatrist's office and slumps into a chair.

"You've got to help me, Doc," he says. "I'm losing my memory."

"Tell me about it," says the shrink.

"Well," says the man, "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family. I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business; I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too, and why shouldn't they? Some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived ... And it's getting worse, Doc. It's getting worse!"

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist says soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"

"Condition?" The man sits up in his chair and looks the psychiatrist in the eye. "What condition?"

[pam]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[pam]

A man is traveling a state highway in southern Indiana on his way to the Kentucky border when he sees a large sign: "LAST CHANCE FOR $2.50 GAS!"

He still has more than a quarter of a tank left, but figures he'd better take advantage of the opportunity to fill up his tank.

After he fills up, he approaches the attendant to pay. While he is waiting for his change, he asks, "By the way, how much is gas in Kentucky?"

Says the grinning attendant, " $2.25. "

[pam]

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

[Mahonri]

Lately the police have been finding dead people in dumpsters in the downtown area.

They found it odd that in each case the victims had their mouths, ears and noses stuffed with Rice Krispies.

They've determined that it's the work of a cereal killer.

[pam]

An english professor wrote up on the board "woman without her man is nothing" and told his students to punctuate it.

The males in the class wrote "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The females wrote "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

[pam]

A country girl is visiting her relatives in the city, and goes with her city cousin to a big party.

A young man comes up to the city girl and asks her to dance. The city girl says, "Sorry, I can't. I'm contemplating matrimony."

The country girl is very impressed by her cousin's remark. She decides she will say the same thing if someone she doesn't care for asks her to dance.

A little while later, a young man approaches the country girl. "Will you dance with me?" the young man asks.

"I can't," she says. "I'm constipated on macaroni!"

[Mahonri]

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting "13... 13... 13".

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14".

[rameumptom]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that crap in Utah,' she said.