pam Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 A father and mother sit down at the dinner table, but the couple's son is missing. "Where is the boy?" the father asks. "He is upstairs in bed," the mother says sorrowfully. "He's not sick, is he?" the father asks. "No, not sick," she responds. "I'm sorry to say that I overheard him with his friends in the backyard, and he was swearing." "Swearing? I'll teach him to swear!" the father yells, and he starts upstairs in the dark. But halfway up he stumbles and hits his head on the top step. When the atmosphere clears, the mother says sweetly from the hallway, "That will do, dear. You have given him enough for one lesson." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie123 Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 Would you like to hear The Story of the Three Wells? Well, well well...How about The Tale of the Empty Egg? There's nothing in it.OK - So I'll tell you The Story of the Messy Bed: Sorry I can't. It hasn't been made yet.And the Story of the Garbage Can? Don't bother listening. It's a load of rubbish! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 Check the Appropriate BoxA little boy returns home from his first day at school and asks his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"The woman, who believes in all the most modern educational theories, gives him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.When she has finished, the little lad produces an enrollment form that he had brought home from school. "All right," he says. "But how am I going to get all that into this one little square?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churchmouse Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 Tom retired from the Air Force in his early 50's and decided to take a job in civilian life. He was a good worker but came in five, 10 or even 15 minutes late each day. Finally the boss called him into his office. "Tom I have no complaints about your work. You do a good job. But you come in late everyday. I know you were in the Air Force. What did they say when you came in late. "They said, 'Good morning, General' ". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churchmouse Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 Two college students were standing at a bus stop when a homeless man approached them and asked for money. The first student ignored him, but the second student took out his wallet a gave the man two dollars. The first student yelled at the second," Why did you give him money? You know he's just going to buy booze with it." "And we weren't"? replied the second. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 16, 2009 Report Share Posted November 16, 2009 A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No!" anwers the clerk. "Got any duck feed?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 16, 2009 Report Share Posted November 16, 2009 One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little 7-year-old Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at the large plaque that hung there. After the young man had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, sir, why all these names are listed on here?" "Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the heck have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works, even the urinal's are gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone."Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 A young woman brings her fiancée home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancée into his study for a drink. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a religious scholar," he replies. "A religious scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks her husband, "How did it go?" Says the father, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 A distinguished-looking gentleman eats a fine meal at an expensive restaurant, tops it off with some Napoleon brandy, then summons the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asks pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here. Then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry, sir," begins the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right," says the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 A man is driving in his limousine when he sees two men eating grass. He tells the driver to stop and then he gets out and asks one of the men why he is eating grass. The man replies that they can't afford food so they have to eat grass. The man tells the men to get in the limousine. Inside the limo, the two men thank the man and he replies "No problem, the grass in the back of my house is at least a foot long." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 A church needs a new pastor, and after a long and careful search, the elders hire a woman -- but only over the protests of one vocal male member. After the new pastor has been there for a few weeks, one of the elders decides to try to smooth things over between the protester and the pastor, and offers to take them both out for a day of fishing. They accept the invitation. On the appointed day, the trio boards the boat and motors out on the lake. But when they get ready to fish, they realize that they've left all their tackle on the dock. "I guess we'll just have to go back," the host says. "That won't be necessary," says the pastor, and she gets out of the boat and starts walking across the water toward the dock. The old grouch watches. "See," he says to his fellow elder, "I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) A Mormon Elder was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken, usually an Irishman's favorite part of the flight. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Elder if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be rapaciously taken by a dozen Jezebels than let liquor touch my lips.' The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.' Edited November 19, 2009 by Moksha formatting issues Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candyprpl Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) A prayer for Pres. Obama -- Psalms 109:8 -- "Let his days be few: and let another take his office. Edited November 19, 2009 by candyprpl put the wrong verse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 "Now, my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die," says a man to his friend. "Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too." "Wow, that's incredible. How did he know all of that?" asks the friend. "The judge told him." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenamarie Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 A prayer for Pres. Obama -- Psalms 109:8 -- "Let his days be few: and let another take his office.Read the what the rest of the Psalm says and see if you still find it funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources manager asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 A three-year-old boy goes with his father to see a new litter of kittens. Upon returning home, he breathlessly tells his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asks. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replies. "I think it's printed on the bottom." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Generally_Me Posted November 21, 2009 Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 A three-year-old boy goes with his father to see a new litter of kittens. Upon returning home, he breathlessly tells his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.""How did you know that?" his mother asks. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replies. "I think it's printed on the bottom."Yup, it's on the tag, along with the "Made in China" and materials used information!It's a fact of life. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie123 Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 They say that gasoline and alcohol don't mix. They do. They just taste lousy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churchmouse Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 You know you're a Republican if.. You start of on third base and think you hit a triple. You know you're a Democrat if.. You hit a single but believe you deserve a triple because the other team got one. A Republican if.. You have a picture of yourself shaking hands with Ronald Reagan hanging on your office wall. A Democrat if.. You have a picture of Ronald Reagan hanging in the middle of your dartboard. A Republican if.. You sent flowers and a thank you card to Monica Lewinsky. A Democrat if.. You can't imagine what Clinton saw in Lewinsky when he had such a hottie for a wife. A Republican if.. You read about the persons you admire most in Fortune. A Democrat if.. You read about the persons you admire most in Variety A Republican if.. You fear the IRS. A Democrat if.. You fear the FBI A Republican if.. You keep up to date by watching the only unbiased news source around. FOX A Democrat if.. You keep up to date by watching MTV. A Republican if.. You support George W. Bush's plan to put a man on Mars. A Democrat if.. You want that man to be George W. Bush Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churchmouse Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 The academic standing of the leading scorer on the University basketball team had come into question. The academic folks thought they'd better test him. The coaches, thinking to intimidate the academics, suggested that he be tested in front of the fans at half-time at a big game. So, they proceeded to examine the player. The first question was, "What is six times six, divided by two". The player thought for a minute and said, Eighteen". A great roar came from the fans. "Give him another chance". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie123 Posted November 25, 2009 Report Share Posted November 25, 2009 Gimme a cup of tea and a bun.I'm sorry sir, we have no buns.OK. Gimme a cup of coffee and a bun.I don't think you heard me. We have no buns.Look mate, I don't want no trouble. Just give me a glass of milk and a bun.Listen you jerk! How many times must I tell you? We have no buns! NO BUNS!Well it you're going to get sore, I'll just take a bun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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