In need of some clean humor!

[Hemidakota]

The Gospel Doctrine teacher's reputation as a scriptorian preceded him in every calling, and sometimes he found it difficult to live up to the expectation that he was all-wise. One Sunday, the lesson on prayer wasn't going as planned, and the teacher stumbled along, hoping things would improve. Finally, he asked Brother Lauren to read Ecclesiastes 3:1-9.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven," Brother Lauren intoned. "A time to be born, and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill and a time to heal . . . "

When Brother Lauren finished all nine of the familiar verses, the class sat in silence, trying to understand what that scriptural reference had to do with the lesson.

The teacher looked perplexed. "Isn't there something in there about prayer?"

"No," Brother Lauren replied, "but I can make it up for you---a time to pray and a time not to pray!"

[Moksha]

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

Two sweet young things are driving through Louisiana. When they reach the town of Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch.

As they stand at the counter, one asks the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please tell us where we are? We're having trouble deciding how to pronounce it."

The manager leans over the counter and says, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

It's Nack-a-dish. I used to go to school there for a bit. Probably even been to that Burger King.

[pam]

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[Saldrin]

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?

A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

Oh, let me dig out my book of musician jokes...

Why do violinists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?

- If someone mistakes them for the Mafia, they might get some respect.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

- There's no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?

- A viola section playing on the C string.

How do you know a euphonium player is at your door?

- They're wearing a "Pizza Hut" hat.

Why can't tuba players hold office jobs?

- They are low in character, below the staff, and they spend too much time resting.

What is the difference between a dead snake and a dead trombonist in the road?

- There are skid marks in front of the snake.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?

- The one who doesn't know how to use the slide, and can't swing.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

- A flat major.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

- A flat minor.

How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- One. She does it standing still because the world revolves around her.

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

- The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?

- You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do you call a part-time band leader?

- A semi-conductor.

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

- Homeless.

What are the two best years of a drummer's life?

- Fifth grade.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

- With a drum machine, you only have to punch the information in once.

What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza?

- A pizza can feed a family of four.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?

- They both suck when you plug them in.

Why are harps like elderly parents?

- Both are unforgiving and hard to get out of cars.

What happened to the guy who fell through a harp?

- He's in the hospital, rooms 231 through 247.

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

Orchestra Personnel Standards

Conductor

- Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a locomotive

- Is faster than a speeding bullet

- Walks on water

- Gives policy to God

Concertmaster

- Leaps short buildings in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a switch engine

- Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

- Walks on water if sea is calm

- Talks with God

Oboist

- Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

- Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

- Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet

- Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

- Talks with God if special request is approved

Trumpet player

- Barely clears a Quonset hut

- Loses tug-of-war with locomotive

- Can fire a speeding bullet

- Swims well

- Is occionally addressed by God

Bassoonist

- Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings

- Is run over by locomotive

- Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

- Dog-paddles

- Talks to animals

Second violinist

- Runs into buildings

- Recognizes locomotives two times out of three

- Is not issued any ammunition

- Can stay afloat with a life jacket

- Talks to walls, argues with self

Percussionist

- Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

- Says "Look at the choo-choo!"

- Wets self with water pistol

- Plays in mud puddles

- Loses arguments with self

[Truegrits]

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."http://www.funnyhumor.com/viewcount.php?type=joke&id=116&s=

[Saldrin]

An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'

'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'

'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'

Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'

[Dr T]

Three patients in an insane asylum were in group session with their doctor. He announced to them that whoever could tell him how much two plus two equaled would be released and allowed to go home that day. He asked the question of the first patient “How much is two plus two?” and the patient answered “two plus two equals ten thousand.” The doctor said “I’m very sorry, but that answer is not correct.” The doctor then asks the second patient “How much is two plus two?” and the patient replies “Friday.” The doctor said “I’m very sorry, but that answer is not correct either. You won’t be going home today.” The doctor turns to the last patient and repeats the question “How much is two plus two?” The third patient replies “two plus two is four.” The doctor says “congratulations, you are absolutely correct. Can I ask you how you came to this conclusion?” To which the patient replies “I just took ten thousand and divided it by Friday.”

[pam]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

[Truegrits]

One evening a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass.

Disturbed, he yelled at his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating the grass?"

"Well, we don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "So we have to eat grass."

"Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I also have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Ok, bring them along too" the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SEVEN children with me!"

"Very well then, bring them all" the Scotsman answered.

They all piled into the limousine, which was no easy task. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are truly too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Scotsman replied, "No problem, glad to do it. "You'll really love my place "The grass is almost a foot high"

[MichaelCraig]

Sorry if this one has already been posted. :)

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Heavenly Father was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, Heavenly Father said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded..

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards..

They created charts and graphs..

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than heck.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed..

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

Heavenly Father just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES....

AMEN!!!!!

[pam]

It has been but it's still funny.

[Saldrin]

Learn from your elders

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[omega0401]

For those who may not know, wellies is a word used in Scotland that means rubber boots that you wear in the rain.

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boots"?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellies" still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellies" off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellies" back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellies" off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellies" off when he said, "They're my brother's "Wellies", my mum made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellies" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my “Wellies”".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

[rameumptom]

Time to bump this up with some puns:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He

acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be

an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a

weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into

it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the

other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned

veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that

votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess

looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and

heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says

'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at

least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[pam]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

[font=Times New Roman]Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

[font=Times New Roman]Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[Moksha]

"They could always have a debate on freedom of speech at BYU, but they would have to watch what they say."

- X-files, Unwritten Archive, Circular Container, 2nd floor, Last Cubicle, 1914

[talisyn]

My oldest started throwing pillows at me when I got to no. 10, rameumptom. got any more great puns?

[Orrinian]

Here - an e-mail I got yesterday.

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into

the local Coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5

minutes, and when I came out, There was this cop writing out a parking

ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person

A break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His

insensitivity Annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and

then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He

finished The second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This

went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him

The more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus,

and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper

stickers that said *edited for political content*

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The

doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

Thank God you're in the States, e-mailer. In Germany you'd have been charged for the offending things you've said to the officer and at least been sentenced to a fine of 500 - 1,000 Euros.

Alternatively charged, for an indictable offense. The bus probably would have left without you, as you might had to declare yourself on the police station, as a retired person, important to your health.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Orrinian

[CopenKagan]

Time to bump this up with some puns:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He

acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be

an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a

weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into

it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the

other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned

veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that

votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess

looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and

heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says

'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at

least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[orrinjelo]

Why did this disappear? I'm going to resurrect it...

-------

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed

young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could

take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to

demonstrate the very latest in high-powered

vacuum cleaners…"

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and

haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to

close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot

in the door and pushed it wide open… ''Don't be

too hasty'' he said, ''not until you have at least

seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he

emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her

hallway carpet.

"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all

traces of this horse manure from your carpet,

Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me

get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity

this morning!"

[pam]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[slamjet]

A Bishop and a High Councilman were traveling in the jungle when a pack of rebels captured them. Judging them to be spies, the General immediately ordered their execution.

So the two men were tied up and lined against a wall. The General walked up to them and asked "you two will be dead in a few minutes. I'm curious, what is your last wish?

The High Councilman spoke up and said, with a tear in his eye, "My last with would be that I would have one more chance to give a talk to the members of the church."

The General looked at him and said "ok, how about YOU!"

The Bishop answered "I want you to shoot me before he starts his talk!"

Bada-BOOM! Ok, a bit violent, but don't think I'm not telling that joke if I'm ever called to the High Counsel.