In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

My wife recently accussed me of not letting her have her privacy!

Well, she didn't actually accuse me.

I read it in her diary!!

[Truegrits]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband....Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hand.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....Whoosh!

Immediately he turned ninety.

(You gotta love that fairy!!)

[pam]

Gladys is the preacher's wife and accompanies her husband each Sunday to church. Her husband is one of those long-winded types, and one particular Sunday the sermon seems to go on forever. The parishioners are squirming in their seats or falling asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, Gladys walks up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extends her hand in greeting, and says, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To that, the gentleman replies, "You're not the only one."

[Truegrits]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~If Life Were Like A Computer~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control...car keys...glasses.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

[Hemidakota]

A woman arrives at church to find her son sitting outside on the curb, pouting. She says to him in a kind voice, "Son, you need to go to church." "I don't want to. They are being mean to me", he responds. She tries several approaches with him, and finally, in desperation, she says, "But son, you HAVE to go back inside. You are the bishop!"

Glen Phenix - Apex, North Carolina, USA

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This story is fun, but not true. It has been updated for President Monson.

One day President Monson said to his chauffeur, "Instead of you driving today, let me drive the limo, and you sit in the back seat of the car." Because the President requested this, the chauffeur readily complied.

President Monson was having so much fun driving that he forgot how fast he was going. A Highway Patrol officer soon spotted this speeding car and hurried to catch up to it. He turned on his flashing lights and siren. President Monson hurried off the road and put on the brakes. The Highway Patrol officer got out of his vehicle and walked slowly to the car President Monson was driving.

President Monson rolled down the tinted window and said hello to the officer. The officer immediately recognized him and said, "How are you today, President Monson? Did you know that you were driving faster than the posted speed limit?"

"I really wasn't paying any attention; but I believe you."

The patrol officer said, "Please wait here, while I check something in my patrol car." Inside his car, the officer called his superior officer and said, "You won't believe who I just picked up for speeding; it is President Thomas S. Monson. What should I do?"

"President Monson, the President of the LDS Church?" his superior asked.

"Yes, it is definetely President Monson."

"Well, he was speeding, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, then I guess you should give him a ticket."

The Highway Patrol officer replied, "I don't dare give him a ticket. If President Monson is driving the limo, who do you think is sitting in the back seat?" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 96-97).

-------------------------------------------------------------

Elder Boyd K. Packer wrote:

"A fellow seminary teacher had a good rebuttal to a student who said he didn't like school and wished it were out. [The teacher answered:] 'You should feel bad. I have to stay here till I'm sixty-five!'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 90).

----------------------------------------------------------

Sister Wright was speaking with her neighbor about food storage. She remarked, "We used to have a year's supply of food---until John came off his mission last month and ate it!" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 75).

-----------------------------------------------------------

Giving a lesson on prayer, the Mia Maid teacher gave various examples from the scriptures. Then, she decided to tell of a prayer that one of her unmarried female cousins had said: "I ask nothing for myself, but my brother sure wants a brother-in-law" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 123).

[Hemidakota]

Elder J. Golden Kimball Story

Elder Kimball resonated with the common man who struggled with the natural man. He was known to have bouts with depression at times over family issues and his feelings of inadequacy in his calling to Church leadership.

It is reported he once said, "I have heard so much about goodness that sometimes I get unhappy, even at conference, and I feel like a little girl I heard of who did wrong. Her mother importuned her and labored with her so much that she said, 'Mother, don't try to make me good, just shoot me'" (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 109).

----------------------------------------------------------

"J. Golden Kimball was called down to St. George, Utah, to a dispute among the Saints who were trying to build a chapel in southern Utah. He got together two choirs for the meeting. He asked one choir to sit in the back of the chapel and had the other choir sit at the front. At his signal, the both stood up and sang a small portion of a song, each choir singing a different song.

"'How did it sound, brothers and sisters; it sounded like hell didn't it? That's the way you sound over this damn building; you can't agree'" (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 105).

----------------------------------------------------------

Against his wishes, Golden was once asked to talk about genealogy, a topic he had no feeling for. He got up and said, "They want me to talk about genealogy. As far as I'm concerned, it's work for the dead done by the half dead." Then he sat down. (J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 43)

----------------------------------------------------------

"I have learned that the Spirit of God gives you joy and peace and patience and long-suffering and gentleness, and you have the spirit of forgiveness and you love the souls of the children of men." (J Golden Kimball's Golden Moments (1994), p. 98).

----------------------------------------------------------

In Salina, Utah, Golden told the members: "Tithing is a commandment of the Lord; some of you aren't doing it. That's wrong. Repent!"

"Some of you are doing it. You're paying a full tithe. You feel pretty good about things. But you may be doing it with the wrong intent: Anyone who pays tithing with the idea it will bring financial reward is crazy as hell." (More J Golden Kimball Stories, p. 64).

[Truegrits]

Now that I'm 'older' here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

Finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

[pam]

A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".

The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"

The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.

The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."

The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87" ...

[pam]

The President slips away from his secret service personnel one night and goes for a walk. He sees a lake and decides to take a swim. He is splashing around in the lake when he starts to have trouble. Three good ol' boys see him and realize that the man in the lake is drowning. They jump in and save him, pulling him to shore. When they got him out of the water, they realized who they had saved. "Gosh you're the President!" They exclaim. The President says "Yes I am, and for saving me, I'll give you the one thing you've always wanted. Just name it and it's yours."

The first guy wants a new pickup truck, so the President tells him to go pick it out.

The second guy wants a new deer rifle, so the President tells him to go pick it out.

The third guy tells the President that what he wants is a white marble headstone that says 'Here lies a country boy who risked his life to save the President of the United States'.

The President asks him why he wants that.

The third guy answers "Once my daddy finds out I didn't let you drown, he's gonna kill me!"

[pam]

Coming back from leave, a Marine pulls into a little town near his base and starts looking for a place to stay for the night. Every motel room is taken, and by the time he gets to the last place in town, he pleads with the desk clerk, "You've got to have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- a Navy guy," the clerk says. "He might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained the past couple of nights. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assures him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine comes down to breakfast bright-eyed and well-rested.

"How'd you sleep?" asks the manager.

"Never better."

"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" the manager asks.

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" says the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explains. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful.' He sat up all night watching me."

Edited November 11, 2008 by pam

[pam]

A young man who is away on business writes home to his sweetheart:

"I love you so much, I would do anything to be with you: swim across the ocean, climb the highest mountain in the world, overcome any obstacle that keeps us apart.

My love always.

"P.S.: I'll be home Thursday, if it doesn't rain."

[Truegrits]

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

[skippy740]

-Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

-A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

-Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

-A Freudian slip: When you say one thing but mean your mother.

-Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

-Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.

-Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

-Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

-A gossip: Someone with a great sense of rumor.

-Without geometry, life is pointless.

-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

-Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

-When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

-A grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

-You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

-Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

-Every calendar's days are numbered.

-A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

-The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

-Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

-Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

-When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

-Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

-Acupuncture is a jab well done.

-Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeet.

[Truegrits]

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[skippy740]

LAUGHS FROM EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: (For everyone who has ever had an evaluation, just remember... it could have been worse!)

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady had delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus. 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a distributor."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[pam]

Loved #10

[daenvgiell]

Did you hear the joke about the wall?

I can't tell you, you might not get over it

[skippy740]

Did you hear the joke about the wall?

I can't tell you, you might not get over it

Now THIS is why we need a "groan" button!

[Truegrits]

Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

*********************************************

A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.

Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.

After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Most definitely, officer," she replied.

"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"

[Truegrits]

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

"You have any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.

"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident!

I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was

another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

[omega0401]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

[omega0401]

Express lanes in grocery stores:

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" – Reader’s Digest, "All In a Day's Work" by Bonnie Jones

You gotta love the humor of that cashier.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Jell-O

From Mormon Life by Arie Van De Graaff

-------

On Monday, while were driving over to the library in town, I was telling Cameron, our 4yr old, that his daddy and I were going to be voting later in the day. I was trying to explain that we vote for the president of the United States. He asked who it was going to be and I told him I didn't know yet. He said, "Well, maybe it will be President Uchtdorth (Uchtdorf). President Uchtdorth is my favorite!" --Pat Walke - Pensacola, Florida, USA

Many years ago when living in California, my husband was teaching a Sunday School class for the six and seven year olds. They had singing time and one of the children spoke up in the middle of the song and said, "Brother Astle, you sure can't sing." --Beulah Astle - Santaquin, Utah, USA

Our neighbors behind us have a last name of Chung-Hoon. One day as we were going out to the backyard. Our son, who was 5 or 6 at the time said, "Oh look mommy, there is Brother Raccoon." We had a good laugh over that. And to this day he answers back if we call him Bro Raccoon! So what a great neighbor. - Kitty Mortimer - Orem, Utah, USA

A few years back, our Bishop welcomed the young children to come to his office after church for a small piece of candy. One Sunday, I over heard a little boy in my Nursery class plead impatiently with his older brother. "Can we pleeeease go the Spaceship's office now?!!"

My own daughter a couple years later, came back empty handed since the Bishop was out of town that Sunday. "The Bishop is closed," she sadly explained. --Callie Helm - Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

[candyprpl]

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,

'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.'

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bundh of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'as a matter of fact, I was.'

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot did't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[Truegrits]

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am

doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?