Are....you....kidding me?

[RachelleDrew]

After all the nonsense I dealt with in my marriage, after taking my husband back and forgiving him for his many infidelities. I thought things were getting better.

Not.

Just found out he's been having yet ANOTHER affair at work over the last few weeks. One of the other teachers.

I'm seriously at a loss.

Not really advice, just needed to shout for a bit.

[pam]

I've learned over the years..they do it once..more than likely they will do it again.

[RachelleDrew]

Yeah, but four times in sixth months? Is that really necessary?

[Jenamarie]

I think he's shown you where his heart lies, and it's not with you. I'm so so sorry you're being treated this way. It's not right, and you have every right to shout about it!

[FunkyTown]

Have you considered that, perhaps, your husband is using the idea of affairs as a weapon against you?

It's possible he isn't committing adultery at all and he's merely telling you these things to pick a fight or make you leave him.

Or he's deeply damaged and uses this as a means to get an emotional response from you. Honestly? If he were having affairs and managed to find a woman every month and a half for 6 months to cheat with and he told you about all of them, I'd be suspicious.

Most women won't date married men.

[ryanh]

Oh No! Rachelle, I'm so sorry to hear that! I just can't imagine.

You deserve so much better than to be treated like this. You have been amazing in your willingness to forgive and move on. As has been said in other posts, you are an amazing person (even if you won't admit it). But, there comes a time when we our strengths can become a weakness too, and from my perspective, you can't let yourself be trampled upon like this any more.

You have every right to shout and be very angry about this. Is there anything we can do to help?

[NeuroTypical]

So Rachelle, are you ready to take my wife's advice she gave you back in May?

I mean, it's like you're stuck on this never-ending roller-coaster of HeCheatedI'mMad/HeCameCrawlingBackIForgiveHim/HeCheatedAgain. Please consider - your child is watching this go by, and forming permanent opinions about what behavior he should expect his future wife to tolerate.

I disagree with ryanh - women who put a stop to the cycle are the women who deserve better. If you keep yourself in your cycle, you are basically telling the world and everyone in it that you deserve this. From where I'm standing, you're not forgiving and moving on, you're forgiving and remaining a door-mat.

LM

[sanguine]

You deserve better. ...but do you actually believe that?

Sounds like your hitting your head against a brick wall, saying ouch, doing it again and expecting a different result.

Shout, scream, stamp your feet, have a good cry, you more than deserve too, BUT (a big but) what are you going to do about it?

How are you going to change the situation?

What support network/family do you have to help you, as you get out of this relationship?

Document EVERYTHING, have evidence, you may well need it, in the coming months.

Protect yourself, please, make sure financially you are not taken to the cleaners, ie accounts emptied by husband etc.

Put your house in order and be pro active, you will heal in time, it will get better.

Wishing you strength and courage........and hope of a happy future.

[bluedreams]

Love, get rid of him. 4 times in 6 months is more than a little ridiculous it's:

-disrespectful

-immature

-selfish

-wrong

-unhealthy (emotionally)

-unhealthy (physically...for you)

-a strain that your kid shouldn't have in the home

And even if he is faking it as funkytown described that still make him

- a liar

-selfish

-immature

-emottionaly draining

-untrustworthy

You can't trust him. You spend most of your time angry at him. The rest of it probably choked in fears about your own inadequacies. He doesn't love you....might say that he does but he obviously doesn't understand the meaning thereof. You obviously feel attachment to him, but I think you need to look inward and ask, what type of attachment is this? Do I want him in my life because I want HIM, the whole package (disgusting tumor-like warts and all), or because I want the idea of him (ie. a husband and not alone). Am I attached to an idea and fantasy or to the reality that exists? I do not know many women who fantasize about having a man who's never faithful and leaves them emotionally wrecked, so I really doubt its the reality of the man that you love. And this is him, truly.

Because that man has proved his character time and time again. He is what he is and he will not change when he knows that he can walk all over you. Get out, divorce him, and don't look back. Have the self respect to do so.

I know you weren't really in here for advice. But that's my 2 cents

With luv,

BD

Edited September 29, 2009 by bluedreams

[will227457]

sorry this has happened to you but and I am suprised no has mentioned it yet, or maybe it has been in previous posts....you need to get a LAWYER....YESTERDAY!!!!!...so get a lawyer, change the locks and get a restraining order get him out of your life...it's time to be selfish and think about you and your children....

Time heals all but the damage you are doing to your children by stayin with a broken man will not be easy to overcome....

[will227457]

Have you considered that, perhaps, your husband is using the idea of affairs as a weapon against you?

It's possible he isn't committing adultery at all and he's merely telling you these things to pick a fight or make you leave him.

Or he's deeply damaged and uses this as a means to get an emotional response from you. Honestly? If he were having affairs and managed to find a woman every month and a half for 6 months to cheat with and he told you about all of them, I'd be suspicious.

Most women won't date married men.

the idea of affairs? really thats almost as sick as having an affair......not to be mean but don't be naive there are plenty of women who will sleep with a married man, and 4 in a six month period is not beyond beliveable...lets face it he wants out of the relationship and this is his cowardly way of doing it...,..

[rameumptom]

Sorry to hear such. He's shown he is not worthy of your trust and love. Time to make the tough choice and leave him, and trust God to help you rebuild. It will be tough for a few years, but the Lord's mercy will strengthen you, and His justice will make all unfair things fair again.

[RachelleDrew]

Funky.... I wish he were just making it up. The teachers he works with all knew something was going on. Word just finally got around to me and so I checked his phone and text messages.

My husband is a very good looking, and charming person. Also a master manipulator. That's the problem. Four people in six months is nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if there were more.

As for the question that was asked. Yes I want my husband, I just want the husband I knew last year to be back. I don't want this person. I don't know who this person is. This is not who I married.

Loudmouth. You are 100% correct. I just don't want to start my life over yet again. I can't afford to. I cannot afford a lawyer either, and make too much money for legal aid. I literally have no extra income now that I got stuck with the bill over the summer when he ditched us. I had to blow through our savings just to pay the electric bill. How in the heck am I gonna get a lawyer?

I finally got my patriarchal blessing yesterday too. I came home so happy and peaceful. Then within minutes it was all snatched away. It's too much to deal with.

I'm just going to go to bed for a while and ignore it for a bit.

Edited September 29, 2009 by pam

[Maxel]

My husband is a very good looking, and charming person. Also a master manipulator. That's the problem. Four people in six months is nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if there were more.

As for the question that was asked. Yes I want my husband, I just want the husband I knew last year to be back. I don't want this person. I don't know who this person is. This is not who I married.

Rachelle... With all the love I possess, I have to tell you that it seems you've been manipulated by him.

My father was like this man, in that he was very good at manipulating people. That is not the kind of man you want your children growing up and emulating. There's resources to help people in your situation. Two cases of adultery is (I believe) enough to excommunicate someone, and just one case is (I believe) justification in God's eyes to get a divorce. Your husband isn't repentant- if he were, he would forsake his sin of adultery.

When you feel stronger, it might be good to ponder your Patriarchal Blessing and see if it gives any advice pertaining to the situation. You don't have to be stuck in this situation, if you don't want to. There are people who can help you! Have faith and move forward- a path will open up.

God bless you. I can't imagine what you're going through. You're in my prayers.

[will227457]

call a lawyer I know your a re broke but some will work and take payment once you reach a settlement with your soon to be ex.

[WmLee]

I have read all the posts so far and you have received some great advise! Now, for your safty, demand he see a physician and you do the same.

I had a sister approach me in the temple one day wanting to talk, (I was serving there, she a patron). She said she didn't know me but felt she could confide in me. Seems her eternal husband had been seeing other women. She didn't find out until he got sick one day, and never got better. He refused to go to the doctor and just got worst.

Long story short, she was left a widow, HIV positive and with a daughter to care for. Her problem, (after all of this) was the loneliness she felt because no one in the church would give her the time of day. It was as if sharing the air would infect them. This was back in the 80's and the public didn't kow a lot about AIDS.

She spent most of her time in the temple, her mother watched her daughter. She felt certain she would be healed as she didn't do anything wrong, she was a victim and with faith, snaything could happen.

This is not a matter of respect nor does it have anything to do with what you did, or won't do, or could have done. Protect yourself, your future and your child today!

[Just_A_Guy]

I just don't want to start my life over yet again. I can't afford to. I cannot afford a lawyer either, and make too much money for legal aid. I literally have no extra income now that I got stuck with the bill over the summer when he ditched us. I had to blow through our savings just to pay the electric bill. How in the heck am I gonna get a lawyer?

You may not need to. If you're in Utah, the courts run an on-line application that lets you make out the paperwork yourself. All you have to pay is the filing fee--about $340, which can be waived if you can show good cause.

Alternately, some states have legislation that allows the court to order one spouse to pay the other spouse's legal fees, and to pay spousal support while the divorce is pending.

If you are in Utah and you need some help with the on-line forms, send me a private message and I'll walk you through it.

[Vort]

Rachelle, if you were my sister, I would advise you to leave your unfaithful husband and let him live his life without you, while you go on to make something better and more beautiful of your time here on earth.

But since you're not my sister, I'll just keep my thoughts to myself...

EDIT: I realize that, in saying this, I would be violating my own stricture against ever advising someone on the internet to leave his or her spouse, which is exactly why I kept my thoughts on the matter to myself...

Edited September 29, 2009 by Vort

[captindrew8804]

I have had to deal with this same thing in my family. I have not dealt directly with it bad watch my brother do this to his wife and have an idea of what you are going threw. I am so very sorry that men out there do such wicked things, the only thing we can hold on to is our agency and our love for the savior. Though him we can make anything work. But the one thing about this I know for sure is, my brother and his x wife our now the best of friends and do everything in there power to make sure there kids are taken care of. It was only until my sister-in-law went to the temple and asked our Father in Heaven to help her forgive him were they able to get past his wrong doing and live happy not together but happy. You will be in my prays.

[unixknight]

Seems to me this man has some emotional issues to deal with.

Rather than just be judgmental and say "Well he's obviously sick/evil/a bad man" I find myself wondering what motivates a guy to have 4 affairs in 6 months. This doesn't strike me as a case of a guy getting bored and going out looking for a thrill, nor does it seem to be a case of simple inability to keep his hands to himself.

I'd consider the possibility that what we're talking about here is a guy with some serious self-esteem issues that he copes with by allowing himself to fall into temptation again and again. Almost as if there's some sort of validation he gets by successfully convincing other women to round home base with him-or allowing himself to be seduced, whichever the case may be.

If he's cheating with someone from work then it's possible that he's not out there looking for trouble per se, but rather can't keep from succumbing to temptation, in which case I'd almost wonder if maybe these 4 occasions in the 6 months can be taken as one single huge incident.

What happened to him 6 months ago? What changed? Something triggered this. If that can be identified and dealt with constructively then it may be possible to selvage the man, even if not the marriage. Something is broken inside him, and frankly I'm a bit dismayed at how readily people simply dismiss him as a bad person.

It may well be that this marriage is over. Not for me to say, but I can tell you that this isn't normal human behavior on either side and it sounds like a good, honest, close look needs to be taken at why this keeps happening, and why it's allowed to keep happening.

[Bini]

I agree with FT. His infidelity might be his way out of the relationship. But he wants YOU to call it.

Sorry to hear about this but hope you find the strength to move on. I did and I'm much happier now.

[Carl62]

Despite what you say about your husband looks, I'm still surprised that it's happened four times in six months! Even rock stars and movies stars can hold out waaay longer than that without having an affair. What I'm surprised about even more is that you're willing to put up with it. Why?! What YOU need to do is go get some counseling so that you get up enough courage and confidence to kick the loser out and move on with your life, especially for the sake of your kid(s). IF that is you in your avatar (and I assume it is), you look young enough that it would not be too late to start over and find somebody who'll make you happy and give you a lot of love and respect. Don't continue to keep putting yourself through this hell. If you get the backbone to kick him out NOW, in five years you'll be so glad you did, especially if you do end up meeting Mr. Right during that time and as I said before, at your age, you're definitely young enough to start over and give yourself a new and better life. Guarantee it! In ten years from now, he'll be nothing but a distant memory. Stay strong, and my prayers are with you.:)

Edited September 30, 2009 by Carl62

[Elphaba]

Rachelle,

That sucks! (I would use another word but I'd get in trouble and you probably don't want to hear it either. But it is and it does!)

Elphaba

[jadams_4040]

After all the nonsense I dealt with in my marriage, after taking my husband back and forgiving him for his many infidelities. I thought things were getting better.

Not.

Just found out he's been having yet ANOTHER affair at work over the last few weeks. One of the other teachers.

I'm seriously at a loss.

Not really advice, just needed to shout for a bit.

Racheal you are a much better person than to have to constantly endure this crap; there is somone out there whom will fall in "true" love with you someday; leave this bum cause thats all he is.

[omchance]

Amen, sister!