Hope we did the right thing

[pooter1]

My 20 year old son went to college this past year and has been making very wrong choices. One week he brought his girlfriend home but didn't throw away his open condom package,one week we found cigarettes,another week we found a Ouijji Board well yesterday we found pot. We told him he could not come home anymore if he didn't follow our rules. He told us we lost a son. Has anyone ever practiced Tough Love before because this is breaking my heart. I might have been able to deal with everything else but bringing drugs into my home was the final straw!

[dazed-and-confused]

i agree with you about the drugs. if you have lost a son (not that i believe that for 1 minute), then let him be grown up, paying his own rent, college tuition, everything. when he TRUELY grows up, he'll see what a fool he was.

[Tarnished]

I think the Ouiji Board and the drugs would have done it for me. It is bringing into your house an influence you really don't want. I agree with dazed, I think many kids want to be their own adult, they want to do what they want to do. But when they reach adulthood and begin to take care of all the responsibilities that being an adult brings with it they begin to think differently.

It may be that he will decide to stick to the "you lost a son" thing, but I bet that when his world begins to fall down around him because of the choices he has made that he will change his tune. Just remember to stick to your guns on your rules. Don't allow him to drive the Spirit out of your home just so he can have "fun".

[FairChild]

Sounds as if he was seeing how far he could push you until you said no. It was really hard, but you did the right thing. Lots of prayers are coming your way. Please go get a blessing for yourself. You need all the strength and help you can get. FC

[Bini]

I would have made "clear cut" rules before my son and his girlfriend visited. No drinking, smoking, premarital sex or any recreational drugs in my home. And if I discover my rules being ignored and violated, they're simply not welcome to stay as guests. They can make other arrangements and stay at a hotel while they're in town—mum and dad not responsible for tab. BUT in Utah that wouldn't even be an option because there is an age restriction in renting a hotel room. To pay and check-in at a hotel, guest must be at least 21. He doesn't realise how good you're being to him. But until he can respect you and your rules, I think "tough love" is absolutely in order. Think about the things YOU DO to make his life a bit easier. Maybe it's giving him a car to drive that isn't his, or paying for schooling, room and board? Sometimes people don't know how to appreciate things until they're gone.

[applepansy]

You did the right thing. You haven't lost a son YET! Pray for him and love him. He will eventually call or contact you. When you hear from him tell him you love him. Help when you can, but do not ever back down from your values.

Drugs in your home could get you arrested and you could lose your home.

Its tough to hold the line. But with adult children it is just as important as with a 6yo. A soft voice helps...do not yell. Just quietly state how things are and wll be.

Our oldest would be 32 this coming July. We have two more boys ages 29 in May and 25-1/2, and a daughter age 22. They all know our rules. Our youngest son and our daughter are living at home again. And they follow our rules, our son somewhat relunctantly for awhile. They know what is expected to live under my roof and they know what I'll help with and what I won't help with. That doesn't mean they are totally living lifestyles I agree with. It just means they don't bring it home.

My oldest son passed away in 1999 at age 21. I don't feel like I lost him. I feel Heavenly Father took him home because he hadn't learned to "drive" his body. He started running away at age 15 but the problems started when he was much younger. Its a long story. But he wasn't allowed to bring drugs into my home or smoke in my home, etc. He knew the rules of living at home too. I know he was my Heavenly Father's son first. Heavenly Father just loaned him to me for a time. I do not regret how things turned out.

There is a book called "When a Child Wanders" by Robert Millet. DeseretBook.com - When a Child Wanders Its very good. Elder Scott has given conference talks on these issues.

One more thing... the temple prayer roll works. Get your names and your son's name on it and keep them there. They keep names on the roll for 2 weeks. You can call any temple by phone and add names.

Never forget to express your love for your son when you see or hear from him.

Edited April 25, 2010 by applepansy
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[pooter1]

Thank You so much for your advice and concern.You have given me courage to stay my ground. Ive cried and cried he hasn't called me at all.Im grateful for all of your support.

[baver3]

You did the right thing.

I dont think he will change himself until he starts to suffer some of the consequences to his poor decisions. One of these consequences happens to be not having the support of his parents in continuing on this path. To me thats a no brainer and for him to throw such a tantrum and say you lost a son is really immature. But thats okay. When he hits rock bottom he will be back. And believe me, it wont take long.

You are a good Mom. He is in college and is experimenting with his new found freedom. He is on his own path and you have to respect his decisions, no matter how poor. That doesnt mean you have to like it and it doesnt mean that you have to put up with it. But you are going to have to accept it.

Just keep praying and being strong and holding your ground.

[Guest WhoShotJS]

it sounds like he is doing well for having such overbearing parents. He should throw away his condoms, but sometimes we all forget. what are you going to do?

As for the marijuana, is he getting good shit? you might want to talk to him so he can tell what is what. He is probably getting ripped off.

Also, cigarettes make people look cool. chill out.

[dizzysmiles]

i agree with you about the drugs. if you have lost a son (not that i believe that for 1 minute), then let him be grown up, paying his own rent, college tuition, everything. when he TRUELY grows up, he'll see what a fool he was.

Great advice, other then that just keep praying. My uncle did everything growing up, drugs, swinging, EVERYTHING. Just last year hiswife and he were sealed in the temple after 25 years of trying to find happiness. At 50 they finally found it. It's not to say they don't still have temptations, but at least now they can work it out beforehand. Good luck to you. You could even look into rehab if you want to go that route... it will get ugly before it gets better.

[Hemidakota]

My 20 year old son went to college this past year and has been making very wrong choices. One week he brought his girlfriend home but didn't throw away his open condom package,one week we found cigarettes,another week we found a Ouijji Board well yesterday we found pot. We told him he could not come home anymore if he didn't follow our rules. He told us we lost a son. Has anyone ever practiced Tough Love before because this is breaking my heart. I might have been able to deal with everything else but bringing drugs into my home was the final straw!

Yes! But your prayers to the Master, along with your combined faith and hope in the Lord, they will eventually come back as the prodigal son or daughter.

[NeuroTypical]

We told him he could not come home anymore if he didn't follow our rules.

Excellent. The only suggestion I can give, is that you put it in a more positive light:

"Hi son! Glad to hear from you! We'd love to have you come over, but we need to remind you that we try hard to maintain a certain atmosphere in our home. You've heard the list before - please don't bring any of it into our home. Hope to see you soon! Love you!"

You can also go meet him for lunch or whatever else is happening outside your home.

Throwing melodramatic fits about how you've lost a son, are the actions of an immature child. And immature children usually miss their mommies. Stand strong - but be civil and police and nicey-nicey, and he'll probably come around.

LM

[hordak]

I have a much more "liberal "view on these issues then most.

Smoking- He's 18

Ouija board- A mass produced toy made by Parker Brothers, As evil as Monopoly or Risk

Marijuana- I support NORML

Sex- At least he uses protection, and quite frankly i wouldn't be surprised (if i were you) considering you let him have his girlfriend stay.

That being said you did the right thing. Your home your rules. Nothing wrong with that.

[zippy_do46]

angel333, Know your Father loves you. Stick to your rules. These rules were put in place to make for a reason. I so wish that I had done just that. In my case it was my daughter. My home became a house of anger, sadness, and something I was not proud of. I became something I was not proud of. Things only became diffrent when I gained control over my own life again. When you hear from him again, tell him that you love him, you just don't love the things he is doing. I know I am going to say something that might make no sense until you think it through. Forgive Him. Realize you can only control your own actions. The forgiveness is for you and your salvation. Do not let Satan gain one foot in the door with your sadness, and anger at what your son had done.

In 3 Nephi 11:29-30 it tells you the Holy Spirit can not stay with you. Don't lose that Spirit. In the long run if you can keep yourself level then he has a place to come home to that is calm, and is a home delicated to serving Heavenly Father.

There are happy beginnings in this kind of madness.

This past Saturday my son-n-law baptised my 8 year old grandson.

Edited April 27, 2010 by zippy_do46

[Blackmarch]

Thank You so much for your advice and concern.You have given me courage to stay my ground. Ive cried and cried he hasn't called me at all.Im grateful for all of your support.

I feel really sorry for what you are going through, but I do think you've done the right thing.. if anyone overreacted or went too far it was your son.

Until he tells you not to contact him, send letters- tell him how much you love him, and that no matter what he does he will always be your son. Call him one in a while. Send email if you have his emails.

In the letters or calls I"d suggest not bringing up things unless you feel inspired to do so but just let him know that you think of him, and you love him let him know how thankful you've been for having him in your life.. ask how things are going, and give him the chance to bring things up.

If you feel like it would be proper, every now and then let him know he's welcome to come by and that you'd love to have him visit, but also that if he does so to respect your rules.

Continue to pray for him, and also pray for inspiration.

Edited April 26, 2010 by Blackmarch

[Dravin]

We told him he could not come home anymore if he didn't follow our rules.

I just want to double check. You mean he isn't welcome at home unless he's following the rules while he's there right? Meaning he's still welcome at home if he smokes pot at his place just as long as he doesn't smoke it at yours or shows up high.

[pooter1]

Dravin.Yes he is allowed home he just can't bring drugs,booze or cigarettes etc.... with him in our home. I have known about him doing these things while at college and i thought I made it clear that we can't stop him from doing these things but we will not have it in our home. Im thinking because we haven't harped on him for doing these things that he thought we must be alright with it. I wrote him and told him he is welcome back home but if he is to live in our house then he lives by our rules.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think he's trying to manipulate you by saying "You just lost a son". He wants you to feel guilty that you threw him out.

He's saying, "if I'm not allowed to pursue this objectionable lifestyle, then I don't want you". This might take time for him to see the error of his ways. You didn't tell him to leave permanently, so you didn't do anything to warrant the "you just lost a son" conclusion. You told him he could come home if he chooses to obey the rules.

For now, you have a case of the prodigal son on your hands. I trust it will eventually end as that parable does. That kind of lifestyle is hard on people; I hope the Lord hears your prayers as a parent and that he doesn't go too far down the wrong path.

I'm also glad you're not being an enabler, letting him stay at home because you "don't want him out on the street" etcetera, and that you're putting stumbling blocks in the way of him practicing that lifestyle in front of you.

I taught a lesson on the Aaronic Priesthood and how it has the "keys to the ministering of angels", meaning, holding that priesthood provides increased capacity to have divine intervention in these situations -- check out the story of Alma and his wayward son in Mosiah 27...

[Dravin]

Dravin.Yes he is allowed home he just can't bring drugs,booze or cigarettes etc.... with him in our home.

That was my assumption but there are people who take the more extreme position that "as long as you are doing X you are no longer welcome in our home". Personally I think you are doing the right thing.

[rameumptom]

I would have turned my kid into the police for the pot. That's tough love. Only when he is forced to deal with his addictions and problems will he turn around.

[Bini]

Rameumptom, now that's tough love! I hadn't even considered that but technically and ethically, you'd be doing the right thing as well. I can't say that I'd turn someone into the police for using pot myself but I suppose that would be the right choice in doing so.

[GADBabaganoosh]

Remember the prodigal. You may have to let him hit his ultimate low point, so he'll be humble enough to return. Something to pray on though.

EDIT: I've read some other comments which are quite wise (the one about being civil and loving even though you don't approve of his behavior.) Always remember the prodigal. The father wasn't mad the son had blown everything, he was glad to see him return and ready to take him in again. Thats how the Father is with us, because of his Son. He's willing to take us all back in, so shouldn't we follow this example as well?

Edited April 27, 2010 by GADBabaganoosh

[Melissa569]

First off, I hope everything turns out alright... Second, I doubt you have really lost him. My cousin William did the same thing with his parents, but he eventually came back.

This sounds more like a battle of wills, than a hatred thing. He got curious about all the "forbidden" things out there. He is trying it all for himself, and he is about to find out WHY all those thigns are bad, soon enough.

Some teens will give you a little grief, but they will primarily listen to the major things-- they will stay a virgin until later, stay away from drugs, get normal-to-decent grades in school, and go on to college...

But some teens (and even some grown adults!) cannot take another person's word for anything. They want to know for themselves. They are determined to make up their own mind about things in life, and they will do so, even if it hurts them badly to find these things out. Gaining first-hand experience is even more important to them than getting hurt. To them, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, it matters that they have first-hand experience in as many things as possible, without actually dying...

Its usually teenagers that feel this way more than adults, because teenagers have reached an age where they CRAVE the right to say that they "have many experiences too". They are either trying to match their parents' level of experiences, or surpass it. Teens are often called "naive"... But on the contrary (at least to them), the reason they do these things is because they are desperatly trying to escape their naivety the about the world.

They will have to learn on their own why drugs are bad, why sex outside of marriage can be damaging to the heart and mind, why playing around in the spirit world is very risky when you are not fully prepared to face the spirits you might encounter. And on that note, if you ever speak to him about that, here's a good warning: Being prepared for that is not easy... We all think we are so tough, but an evil spirit can just look at you and see straight into your heart-- it knows EXACTLY what to do and say in order to terrify you out of your senses, or to cause you emotional distress, and it plays on those things in order to break you down and weaken you. It knows a weak and terrified person is easy to control. It takes a HECK of a lot to stay brave and keep your wits about you around an awful thing like that...

He will come back after he has fallen on his backside a few times. He's gonna be a bit seasoned and different thought... He will either have been turned down by too many jobs because of marijuana, terrified by the sheer evil of a bad spirit, hurt by a girl, or maybe he will then appreciate the true value of every dollar he earns through a job.

That's what happened to my cousin. He walked out on his parents at 17, and came crawling back when he was 27 (still visited holidays, and random weekends, lol). Now he's drug/alscohol-free, married to the love of his life, and attending church again. Not saying it will take that long, but he will eventually figure out that compared to the rest of the world, the people who raised, loved and fed him his whole life aren't so bad after all, lol.

Edited April 27, 2010 by Melissa569

[pooter1]

Thank you so much for all your comments. I just never believed this would ever happen to me and my husband.We are both strong members of the Church.Temple going,full tithe payers,go to church every sunday and fulfill callings.We brought both of our boys up in the church and thought our kids would be ok. It's hard to see my friends who did the same thing we did and their children are following the gospel. Thanks God my youngest is strong in the gospel and preparing for a mission.

[rameumptom]

Rameumptom, now that's tough love! I hadn't even considered that but technically and ethically, you'd be doing the right thing as well. I can't say that I'd turn someone into the police for using pot myself but I suppose that would be the right choice in doing so.

If they would learn in no other way, then I would do what is necessary to save them.

If a friend/family member were obsessing about suicide, I would not just ask them to leave my house. I'd do whatever is necessary to save life. So it is with drugs and other destructive life choices.