possible predator..

[Plastic_Starlight]

so... my roommate and I have only been living together for a few days now. we both moved to this city from different parts of the country. last friday we went to institute together to meet some of the members in the area. We met one young man who seemed nice enough if a little forward. He asked for our phone numbers right away. I told him i hadn't changed my number to this area code yet so there was no point in giving it to him. My roommate however passed on her number and we went home.

8 am on saturday morning this young man was at our house to take my roommate out they spent the whole day together and later that evening I met up with them along with 2 other guy from the ward for dinner and games afterwards. this young man we'll call him "P" wouldn't talk to anyone else all night. not his friends, not me. no one but my roommate. at dinner he didn't get to sit by her.. so he just sat there quiet all night watching her.

sunday he somehow missed his roommates and now needed a ride to church. he spent all of church right with my roommate adn afterwards stayed at our house untill our ride came and took us all to the fireside. after the fireside not 20 mintues after my roommate and I were dropped off "P' was at our house to take my roommate for a walk. she didn't return till about 1 am. it was basically the same story for monday and tuesday as well showing up at all different hours and wanting to take her out for walks or something. they're basically together all the time.

last night my roommate called it a night and went to bed early. i was finishing up some homework and it was close to midnight when I hear a knock at the door. being new to the city and not knowing anyone.. I wasn't going to answer the door this late. but the knock persisted. so I grabbed a kitchen knife and opened the door. and there was 'P' standing in the dark with an envelope or something in his hands asking if he could come in. I told him no. so he asked if my roommate would come to the door. I told him she was asleep and he told me to go wake her up. I faked it hoping that would make him go away. told him she wouldn't wake up and to come back during the day. then shut and locked the door. an hour or so later I was woken up by knocking again. i didn't answer it this time.

I was talking to my sister this morning about him and she thinks it might be the same guy who was big trouble for girls were she was going to school untill he moved away. she's trying to find out for sure where that guy moved to.

anyway.. this guy is a member and a few years older then my roommate. his behavior is setting off a lot of red flags for me. but i don't know what to do.

My roommate is really young and might not have alot of experience with guys but its' hard to tell because we've only been living together for a few days and everytime i see her, 'P" is there. so it's hard to talk about anything, let alone, what she thinks of him. plus i don't want to offend her and have her move out or make living together uncomfortable and awkward.

and if this ends up being the same guy.. either way I know i should warn her at least and let her make her own decision.

is this something I should take to the bishop as well? especially if it does end up being the same guy from my sister's school?

or maybe i'm being paranoid and this guy just likes my roommate.

[pam]

When you say was big trouble for a bunch of girls, what exactly do you mean?

[Plastic_Starlight]

from what my sister tells me big trouble means.. he'd usually pick out young girls or not popular ones and the relationship either gets "scary" or immoral or both.

[Plastic_Starlight]

but like I said.. we don't know yet if it's the same guy.. he's got a john smith kind of name. it's quite possible that it's someone with the same name who is also a creeper

[Gwen]

i would make a way to talk to the room mate. start by asking her what she thinks of him and how she feels. even if she thinks she is in love tell her "i may be wrong but i have to know i've told you... these are the red flags i see with this guy.... he makes me uncomfortable. be careful and know you can come to me with anything.... and i hope i'm wrong but i wanted to be honest with you...."

yes she may be mad at you at first but it really is the best route to take. as a woman you owe it to her to be honest. you also have to keep you safe, if she is bring dangerous ppl around you have a right to object to that for your safety.

[LDSgirl]

I would talk with your roommate. I'm sensing some red flags here too!

[Dravin]

Depends on a lot of unknowns (to us), he could just be infatuated (and a tad socially stupid, but one can cause the other sometimes), if the roommate is staying out late with him I imagine the infatuation cuts both ways. Obviously the OP has a suspicion so everything we are hearing is going through that filter.

There is nothing wrong with voicing you concerns, just realize she may not be in a position to agree with you (and it's possible you are in the wrong and she shouldn't be agreeing with you). Whatever happens you can't force her to do anything (including as mentioned, agreeing with you), though you can do something like insist he not come over late as he gives you an off vibe and frankly, it's just plain rude.

Whatever you do don't rumor monger, if he's just a little awkward but harmless and you convince her he's Mr. Creepo the Stalker from the town down the road and that gets around you've just shot that guy in the foot with a 12 gauge.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Dravin

[Suzie]

1. He could well be a predator (you should check his name in your local sex offender web site and see if his name and pic appears there)

2. Maybe he has special needs? (some sort of mental issue?)

Whatever it is, you need to talk with your roommate. Really it doesn't matter whether or not she gets offended, this is a safety issue.

[Dravin]

Whatever it is, you need to talk with your roommate. Really it doesn't matter whether or not she gets offended, this is a safety issue.

Depends how offended she gets. If you present yourself in an offensive enough manner she'll shut down and not listen to a single thing you say. In fact if you leave a bad enough taste in her mouth even if she sees signs herself she could possible refuse to acknowledge them to herself as it would validate the offender.

That said, you'd probably have to get intentionally offensive to hit that high/low note.

[Suzie]

Depends how offended she gets. If you present yourself in an offensive enough manner she'll shut down and not listen to a single thing you say. In fact if you leave a bad enough taste in her mouth even if she sees signs herself she could possible refuse to acknowledge them to herself as it would validate the offender.

That said, you'd probably have to get intentionally offensive to hit that high/low note.

Maybe it's just my personality but if I am in such situation and I am so concerned, I would talk with her (calmly of course) about it but explaining the whole situation. If she gets offended...she needs to read my signature.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

There is going to be an inevitable form of conflict when you communicate your concerns to your roommate.

How you can do this effectively is entirely up to you.

My suggestion is this:

Let your roommate know you would like to take her out for lunch on Saturday, or Dinner. Let her know you would like to talk with her, and get to know her better.

Once you get a time set up, commit to it.

Then, instead of talking with her about this guy creeping you out, here is a more appropriate conversation could be done relaying your own feelings.

"You know, the other night "P" came over and it was midnight. Not knowing anyone here, except you and the few people from Church, I did not know what to do. He was very persistent and I became very uncomfortable."

What you have done here is shared your own personal feelings with your roommate without putting her on the defensive. It is a more casual conversation where you are effectively communicating your own hesitations about the guy and your own misgivings without saying directly "that guy is creeping me out and he is giving me chills, and there are red flags going up everywhere."

You also are letting her know that the time he came over is not a normal time someone comes calling.

[FunkyTown]

The guy came back an hour after you said everyone was asleep and tried to wake you up.

That's just jerky. He might not be a creep, but he's certainly a jerk. And probably a creep.

Now, that means you have a few choices: Do you break them up or do you let them go? If you break them up, you can go in to boyfriend-destroyer mode. Girlfriends can be good at that, or you can let them go. Either way, you should talk to her and say that the guy came when everyone is asleep and ask if she'll tell him to please stop doing that.

[johnnylingo]

First off, how can you not know if he's the same guy your sister knew? Isn't that what Facebook is for? And can't you casually ask your roommate a few questions about him (What's he like? What previous cities has he lived in? Has he ever had a restraining order filed against him (just kidding)?), to find out for sure?

Secondly, maybe you can get to know both P and your roommate better. Maybe your roommate is a lot more savvy than she seems, or maybe she's very innocent. Maybe P is a nice guy once you talk to him, or maybe he's more horrible than you could imagine. It doesn't seem like you've spent much time with either of them (or both of them, together). And while you have to be very cautious about listening to rumours, maybe you can ask people in the ward what they think of P? Maybe they all think he's an upstanding young man, or maybe they all know to stay away.

And I'm truly, honestly, doing my best not to sound like a jerk (and probably doing a poor job of it), but you answered the door with a kitchen knife? If I'm completely off base than I'm sorry, but to me, this sounds like the behaviour of a person who is extremely (if not overly) cautious. Sometimes, you just don't need to worry.

Edited September 17, 2010 by johnnylingo

[riverogue]

Yeah, the whole kitchen knife thing creeps me out.

[Dravin]

Yeah, the whole kitchen knife thing creeps me out.

I must admit I'm a guy so the dynamics are a little off, but personally if I was concerned enough about answering the door that I'd approach it with a knife I'd simply not answer, or make them identify themselves through the door.

[Tarnished]

And I'm truly, honestly, doing my best not to sound like a jerk (and probably doing a poor job of it), but you answered the door with a kitchen knife? If I'm completely off base than I'm sorry, but to me, this sounds like the behaviour of a person who is extremely (if not overly) cautious. Sometimes, you just don't need to worry.

Obviously you are not a woman. I only answer my door with my dogs present, and that is so they can stick their huge heads between my legs and look slightly menacing. If I didn't have dogs I would probably answer my door with one of my weapons, like my war hammer or my stiletto. I just don't like taking chances. To me it doesn't sound odd at all to answer the door with a kitchen knife, especially at midnight, especially in what sounds to be a college town. As a woman you never know what might happen and it is not a bad thing to try to protect yourself.

If you ask most women what they do to protect themselves from a physical or sexual assault they will often list a huge number of things they do daily. Things like walk with their keys held in a certain way, carry their purse in a certain way, wear their hair in a certain way, look at people or not look at people depending on the situation, walk differently in different places, carry weapons with them in different places, the list goes on and on and on. As a man you don't have to think about physical or sexual assault quite as much as women do. I think she was very smart in what she did. Both with the answering the door with the knife and not letting him inside.

[Dravin]

I just don't like taking chances.

Then why open the door at all?

[beefche]

I'm a woman and I do not answer my door at night. I am able to peep out the window without them seeing me, so I may do that. But I will not answer my door (sometimes even in the daytime) unless I know who it is.

[Intrigued]

1. He could well be a predator (you should check his name in your local sex offender web site and see if his name and pic appears there)

2. Maybe he has special needs? (some sort of mental issue?)

Whatever it is, you need to talk with your roommate. Really it doesn't matter whether or not she gets offended, this is a safety issue.

Those are the best 2 options you could come up with? Maybe he's just a normal guy and wanted to talk to her/hook up. The OP sounds scarier than the guy does, but that's just me. I understand you were uncomfortable but.. you weren't uncomfortable enough to wake up your room mate.

asking if he could come in. I told him no. so he asked if my roommate would come to the door. I told him she was asleep and he told me to go wake her up. I faked it hoping that would make him go away. told him she wouldn't wake up and to come back during the day. then shut and locked the door. an hour or so later I was woken up by knocking again. i didn't answer it this time.

First off.. you do not even know if it was him knocking the second time. Second.. there is nothing irregular especially in a college town about people coming over at midnight. Most schools have visitation hours till 1am or later. I think you're jumping to conclusions in a major way. Especially with the conversation with your sister.

Edited September 17, 2010 by Intrigued

[riverogue]

Sexual assault education I received in the army taught that most rapes are actually committed by men the women knows well, ie. boyfriends, spouses, friends, and relatives. 80% of those involve alcohol. It goes to show why one should choose moral friends and stay away from alcohol. Despite all the media coverage, men prowling the streets at night, or breaking into homes looking for women to rape is like one in a million.

[Tarnished]

Then why open the door at all?

I only open my door during daylight hours. After the sun goes down my door doesn't open. And I open it because the neighbor kids will sometimes come by, but again, I have my dogs.

[johnnylingo]

Obviously you are not a woman. I only answer my door with my dogs present, and that is so they can stick their huge heads between my legs and look slightly menacing. If I didn't have dogs I would probably answer my door with one of my weapons, like my war hammer or my stiletto. I just don't like taking chances. To me it doesn't sound odd at all to answer the door with a kitchen knife, especially at midnight, especially in what sounds to be a college town. As a woman you never know what might happen and it is not a bad thing to try to protect yourself.

I am a young, single woman, and I live in a college town in Canada.

If someone knocks on my door late at night and I'm alone, I might not answer at all. I might take a peek out the window and then decide whether to open it (if I didn't have a peephole I might shout through the door and ask who it is). If the knocking persists, I might call the police. In the past, I have called the police because my roommates were worried about somebody lurking outside. Personally, I would never, ever, open the door hoping that a kitchen knife would protect me from an assailant.

I really don't want to derail this thread, but I feel that protecting yourself from a predator and protecting yourself when at home are related, and it is possible to have a reaction that may be not the most appropriate to the situation.

[gabelpa]

My parent's house in California had a metal security door that opened outwards, and a standard door that opened in. We also had a dog we called Bear, and for good reason. Just inside the door was a baseball bat. Now, our neighbourhood wasn't the roughest, but my sister hung out with a rough crowd.

We rarely opened the door at night, but when we did, the security door was locked. It provided a good feeling of safety.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

First off, how can you not know if he's the same guy your sister knew? Isn't that what Facebook is for? And can't you casually ask your roommate a few questions about him (What's he like? What previous cities has he lived in? Has he ever had a restraining order filed against him (just kidding)?), to find out for sure?

Secondly, maybe you can get to know both P and your roommate better. Maybe your roommate is a lot more savvy than she seems, or maybe she's very innocent. Maybe P is a nice guy once you talk to him, or maybe he's more horrible than you could imagine. It doesn't seem like you've spent much time with either of them (or both of them, together). And while you have to be very cautious about listening to rumours, maybe you can ask people in the ward what they think of P? Maybe they all think he's an upstanding young man, or maybe they all know to stay away.

And I'm truly, honestly, doing my best not to sound like a jerk (and probably doing a poor job of it), but you answered the door with a kitchen knife? If I'm completely off base than I'm sorry, but to me, this sounds like the behaviour of a person who is extremely (if not overly) cautious. Sometimes, you just don't need to worry.

Sorry, but if someone came pounding on my door at midnight, I would be answering the door with something in my hand - baseball bat, knife, what ever can do damage. We are in a very volitile society today. Heck, we had a family here in the Pacific Northwest killed over a Craigslist Ad.

What the OP describes is not normative behavior for someone, especially knocking at the door and almost (from what is being described) demanding to have the roommate go wake up the love interest at 0-dark-thirty.

So yea, your comment is not you sounding like a jerk, but honestly is someone who really did not take the time to read the original post and is answering with total disregard to how uncomfortable this person feels around this guy.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

This behavior sounds exactly like the behavior that the guy who molested my daughter pulls. If he weren't in jail I'd ask his name. Serious red flags here. This guy is either a predator, or very possesive. I hope your friend will see the warning signs. I didn't. fortunately my daughter is very cautious now with people. Good luck to you and your friend. Being cautious is better than the worst case scenario. Good luck!!