Repentance will end my marriage

[myalternate]

Hi alternate, I sympathise with your situation.

I suggest you raise the issue with a former bishop or stake president in a confidential and informal manner and ask how he would have advised someone in your situation while he was still a bishop. I suspect he will tell you that confession is a necessary part of repentance, but don't take it from me - go and talk to someone safe, who knows. I suspect the confession would have to be detailed and complete. I also suggest that you begin preparing your wife for what is to come, although not being a party to the relationship, I cannot offer any advice on how best to do. However, it would probably help if she could see how unhappy your actions have made you. I hope you have stopped going to the temple. Your greatest desire, your strongest motivation, even more important than preserving your marriage, has to be making things right between you and the Lord. Eternal salvation is, ultimately, an individual matter, and if you keep your family intact by not repenting, your family may be saved in this life, but you personally will not be saved in the next life. Sorry, but those are the hard facts that nobody can change.

I guess that is part of what I am struggling with. If I tell I lose my family in this life and the next. If I don't God will take care of them and I am lost.

[myalternate]

Of the situations I know about, it seems like the men are usually more willing to work it out, but one couple broke up because the wife insisted she was in love with the other man even though her husband (an awesome guy) wanted to stay together. The other man though wanted to work it out with his wife, so he didn't return the feelings. It still blows my mind that she let her husband go. He is smart, funny, a great dad, etc. And now he only gets to see his sweet daughters on the weekends and she stayed in the house.

So if I repent this is what I get to look forward to? I know I deserve to be punished. But punish me and not the kids.

[myalternate]

It appears as though you feel hopeless. Is this correct? Well, the adversary wants you to believe there is no hope for you. He wants you to be miserable. But it is your choice whether or not to be miserable or have joy. We are free to choose everlasting life or death. Don't be fooled by the adversary. Please, it is your choice, so choose to repent and come back. Jesus loves you. He died for you. If you choose to repent and come to Him, your sins can be washed away. And you can even become new again. Remember? If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature.

It is not that I feel hopeless. If I say I have hope and I feel like I am a good person who made a mistake, there are ten of you out there to tell me otherwise. If I say I am no good and I deserve to be punished there are more who tell me that is satan talking. So which would you have me be?

[myalternate]

No such thing as half a lie or half a truth ... it is or it isn't. One of the things we live with here is the consequences we suffer because of other peoples choices. You owe your children a righteous priesthood holder for a father. How are you going to live when everytime you look at them you know you haven't lived up to your obligations? Do the right thing ... no matter how much it hurts. Choices=consequences.

I am not intending on lying when I choose to confess. I want to tell the truth but I want to understand what role the details play in a confession such as this. I don't see where it would be good for anyone to know that. That I did it and I confess is all that should matter in my opinion.

[myalternate]

I don't think he was talking about trying to pass it off as flirting in the break-room or something. I think he was wondering how much detail to go into about what he did. For instance:

1) I cheated on you with X. We had sex 5 times.

2) I cheated on you with X. The first time I... (insert explicit details of sexual activities). The second time... (insert explicit details of sexual activities) and so on.

Both are confessions, neither is trying to tell a half truth or a half life, but there is certainly a difference in the number of details shared (well if you fill in the parenthesis). I think somebody earlier in the thread suggested letting the wife lead with questions if she wants to know specifics.

Thank you. I think my wife will ask me some of those questions. I just don't think I will be doing her a favor by telling her the details. I am trying hard not to dwell on them myself as I am disgusted with my actions. I am hoping the bishop will back me up on this.

[slamjet]

So which would you have me be?

Irrelevant. This is not our issue, its yours.

If you were married in the Temple, then IF, and IF you get ex'd, then re-baptized, your children will still stay sealed to you. If you decide to not confess, repent and all that goes with it, and you live and die in your sins, you will not live with your children in exaltation.

So what do you want?

To save your marriage? You're reaching for every justification to keep silent and avoid the bad. You cannot choose the consequences of your actions. You can only choose to do right or not. So decide. Lie to your wife and children, keep the marriage and hope she doesn't find out. And if and when they do, loose all respect and love because of your deceit. Or admit to your wrong doings, take your lumps even if it means the loss of your marriage. And get right with yourself and life free from the burden of hiding that deceit.

I had to make that choice. I chose to admit to my wrongs. Sure, there are times I regretted that decision. I lost my marriage, job, home, church membership, and a lot more, but I gained self respect, the respect of my ex-wife, and my life is not over yet. There may still be, and I feel that there is more in store for me.

It's all a matter of faith. If you do right, your Father in Heaven will chastise you while blessing you at the same time. Then if you take the chastisement well, you will be pulled out of the doldrums and blessed even more.

So the real question is yours to answer, what do you want?

[myalternate]

Please remember, Myalternate, I cheated on my husband. My bishop told me I didn't have to tell my husband about what I did with this man. Seriously. I mean, it doesn't make sense to my why it should necessarily have to be a consequence that we make certain that we hurt a bunch of other people when we have already hurt ourselves and our partner in crime. I realize others may have a different perspective. But this is my perspective.

Check out what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Repentance) has to say on confession:

Confession. “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). Essential to forgiveness is a willingness to disclose fully to our Heavenly Father all that we have done. We must kneel before Him in humble prayer, acknowledging our sins. We confess our shame and guilt, and then plead for help.

Serious transgressions, such as violations of the law of chastity, may jeopardize a person's membership in the Church. Therefore, such sins need to be confessed to both the Lord and His priesthood representatives in the Church. This is done under the care of a bishop or branch president and possibly a stake or mission president, who serve as watchmen and judges in the Church. While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders play a critical role in the process of repentance. They will keep confessions confidential and help throughout the process of repentance.

Did you see anywhere in there that you have to tell your spouse? Have you ever seen it written anywhere official (including the scriptures) that you must tell your spouse? That you Must try to hurt as many people as possible in confessing? That hurting as many people as possible by telling them is a Definite consequence of your sin? I mean, seriously.

If I could confess to my bishop and not tell my spouse I would do it today. I don't think that is going to be how this all plays out unfortunatly. How do I tell her I can't go to the Temple or that I can't take the sacrament? I am so worried about what the fallout of my confession will do to my family. Not that I want to get away with anything. I wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place if I wanted to get away with it. I have already done that. It is exactly as you stated above. It just doesn't make sense to do more harm to those who are innocent in order to punish me. What I did was very wrong. I am remorsful and want to repent. I want to appologize to my spouse for commiting a sin that jepordized our eternal family that is it. I don't see where telling her exactly what it was I did will make things any more right. Thank you for your thoughts.

[myalternate]

I'm just wondering if pride is a factor here in not confessing. If you confess, then everyone seems to find out about it, and not only is your family hurt, but your reputation at church and in the community is damaged also. It's very hard to humble ourselves and admit we've made a mistake. If I was in this situation, my biggest difficulty would be the embarrassment, because I care about what others think of me. I would hate everyone knowing that I cheated on my spouse. I have a much easier time forgiving others than I do myself.

You need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Just remember, "...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18 This is why we have the atonement. The Lord wants you to accept the atonement he made for YOU. He loves YOU. YOU are his younger brother. He is YOUR elder brother. Again, I repeat, He loves YOU. Even, if your life comes crashing down around you, and maybe even your families, just remember this. He loves YOU. And the reason I capitalize YOU, it's because we often feel like the atonement is for everyone else but ourselves. We might believe in the atonement, but when it comes to ourselves, it's hard to internalize it--that it's for ME too.

I once made a mistake in my life where I felt "How can the Lord still love me? With all my knowledge and testimony, how could I have disappointed the Lord like this?" After many years of tears, praying, and asking for forgiveness, I received a definite answer to my prayers one night. "He's only disappointed if you don't repent". I felt such relief, and such a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. I had gone through the repentance process. I had repented. I just hadn't allowed the atonement to apply in MY life. I was so harsh on myself. Anyone else with the same problem, I would have forgiven immediately--but not myself.

Repent, and feel the Savior's love for you. It will bring such sweet peace. Continue to love your wife. Express sorrow to her. Ask her for forgiveness. Express sorrow to your children. Ask for their forgiveness. It is then up to them to forgive you. They may not be able to do it at first. It may be a process that may take some time. It may be that you end up divorced. But, when one door closes, another one will open. It won't be the end of your life. You will still have sweet, wonderful events happen in your life. You are a son of our Father in Heaven. He sent you to this earth, knowing you would make mistakes. Accept the Lord's atonement for you. I'll pray for you.

Perhaps you are right about the pride. However I don't worry to much about what others think except my family. I want them to be proud of me and who I am not ashamed. I also truely want to spare my wife and kids further harm but at the same time give them the opourtunity to forgive me. I don't know how both can be accomplished by confessing my sin unless it is only done in very general terms. Thank you for the kind reassuring words. I have felt very alone for a long time. Even before I commited this sin I didn't feel as though I mattered much to the Lord. I have not lost my testimony nor buried my conscience. My faith however is weak. I don't blame anyone but me for my actions but we all know that it is our human frailty to try and understand. I had been suffering from depression and was on medication for that. My wife and I had not been seeing eye to eye and where going to counseling. The company I have worked for 11 years laid off half of their employees and a lot of my friends. I thought I was out of work for 4 months until they changed their mind. It was a perfect storm of conditions and I was weak. When presented with the temptation I gave in without much of a fight. Not only once but multiple times with the same woman. I am different now and get a sick feeling when I think about what it was that I did and how I got there. I never want to feel this way again. Thank you for your prayes. I know he answers them. It has been a while since I have heard from him but I believe he talks with others because I hear your stories. Maybe he will comunicate with me again someday.

[myalternate]

I suggest you read President Monson's talk from last coference, the 3 R's of Choice. It talks about the right we have to choose, the responsibility that comes from our choices and the results of choice, he talks about how all of us make mistakes, but that is why the Lord atoned for us, so that we could repent.

It is not easy, but you are faced with a choice right now. I think deep down you know what is the right choice, but it's extremely difficult, intimidating and scary to know the consequences that may follow. Have courage to do what is right, despite anything. The Lord will carry you and once you feel the love of him through repentance you can finally be healed. A person who hasn't been in your situation can't possibly know how hard it is (I am one of those) but there is one path to God and we must be willing to accept the consequences in order to gain Eternal Salvation.

This is a test, your test, and to prove yourself worthy of the blessings of God and the presence of the Holy Ghost you must make the right choice. Seriously, read the article, it's a good one :) There is nothing more empowering than having sins washed away and feeling clean again. Take care of it now so you can become free of the chains of bondage that now hold you because of your actions.

We are on this earth to prove ourselves worthy of eternal life. Don't waste the days of your proabation. There is nothing in this world that is worth risking your eternal life. I make no judgement on you as a person except that we are all here, making mistakes but moving toward the same goal...I would hope that people will help carry you despite your sins......we are all sinners afterall. I would avoid the danger of justifying your reasons for not repenting as we know that is Satan's greatest tool. Have courage and get it over with! :)

Thank you. Unlike some who have posted comments to this thread I feel the spirit when I read your message. Thank you. I believe what you say. I want to believe that things will be ok but that is what scares me the most. I came to this forum so that I could talk myself into doing what is right with some help from all of you. I am still weak spiritually and have nowhere to turn for help but anonymous sources like this.

[Canuck Mormon]

This is going to sound a little harsh, but.......

You need to man up and tell your wife. Your kids will be fine and they will see that you own up to your mistakes and not try to hide them from people.

Sorry to come across as harsh, but that's how I feel.

[justme39]

If you cheat on a spouse and they have to find out on the other side of the veil, you are a coward. That might be a bit plain for some folks, but there is no justice in living the lie and taking it to the grave.

I feel really badly for your spouse and kids. I suspect that this won't make you feel all warm and fuzzy, but it is the truth as far as I am concerned. Be a man, take your medicine, and work to make it right.

It is unbelievable that this is even a discussion. You should know better. Listen to someone besides the Adversary for a while...that might help.

[Singing_gal]

If I could confess to my bishop and not tell my spouse I would do it today. I don't think that is going to be how this all plays out unfortunatly. How do I tell her I can't go to the Temple or that I can't take the sacrament? I am so worried about what the fallout of my confession will do to my family. Not that I want to get away with anything. I wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place if I wanted to get away with it. I have already done that. It is exactly as you stated above. It just doesn't make sense to do more harm to those who are innocent in order to punish me. What I did was very wrong. I am remorsful and want to repent. I want to appologize to my spouse for commiting a sin that jepordized our eternal family that is it. I don't see where telling her exactly what it was I did will make things any more right. Thank you for your thoughts.

Part of the repentance process is righthing the situation with the person you wronged..which means confessing to his wife.

[Guest]

My conclusion:

Give your wife some credit. She has a backbone, I'm sure. And I'm sure she knows what is best for her and the children. Whatever she does in response to your confession is her choice - if it is the right response, she will be blessed, if it is the wrong response (like, chopping your head off) she will be judged for it.

You might think this is just your test. But, hey, this just might be a test for her too!

So, stop being selfish and go do the right thing!

[classylady]

I have one other thought to share. Let's say you don't confess in this life and you keep your family together. Your wife and children love you. Don't you think she and your children will feel sorrow and deep regret that you aren't there with them in the next life? By not repenting now, it is only postponing their hurt. No matter how you look at it, they are going to be hurt and disappointed at some point. Eternal life is more than just some nebulous idea, but because it isn't something tangible that we can see, touch, or feel, doesn't make it any less of a truth. Please take care of your sins. Allow your family time to heal, and time to forgive you. I'm still praying for you.

[Madriglace]

I am not intending on lying when I choose to confess. I want to tell the truth but I want to understand what role the details play in a confession such as this. I don't see where it would be good for anyone to know that. That I did it and I confess is all that should matter in my opinion.

There are sins of commision and sins of omission .... I don't think you have to go into all the gorey details but to keep silent to save yourself is so not on the road to repentance. Unless we confess all and put it behind us the repentance is useless we cannot be saved in our sins. One way or the other your kids and your spouse will suffer the consequences of your choice ... that's just the way it works. Where you are now does them no good nor does it do you any good.

I like what someone back aways or maybe on another thread (can't ermember which) said about the actual details being far less than what an offended spouse would imagine.

[Madriglace]

My conclusion:

Give your wife some credit. She has a backbone, I'm sure. And I'm sure she knows what is best for her and the children. Whatever she does in response to your confession is her choice - if it is the right response, she will be blessed, if it is the wrong response (like, chopping your head off) she will be judged for it.

You might think this is just your test. But, hey, this just might be a test for her too!

So, stop being selfish and go do the right thing!

I agree here .. how do you know she doesn't suspect something already? She may be doing her best to maintain but my bet is she knows something is up ....

[mrmarklin]

I have been guilty of adultery. I want to repent. But if I tell my bishop and my wife she will leave me and I will lose my children who are very young. I know I can't expect to get much sympathy. I am a good person who just made a bad mistake. I can't see how my kids can benifit from my coming forward right now. So I have a choice.

Never do it again and do all I can to repent except confess my sins at a much later date. And in doing so keep my family intact.

Or confess my sins now and have my wife leave me and take the kids with her.

What is best for the kids? I am not a bad person. I make enough to provide for my family and my children are all very smart and doing well. If I come clean now this will ruin things for them. WIthout repentance I have lost them for eternity. With repentance I lose them for eternity.

I don't believe it is possible to confess my sin to a bishop and have it not turn out bad. What would jesus want to have me do?

I would bite the bullet and repent at a much later date, like after your family is raised etc. IMHO its much more important to keep your family intact and raise your children properly. You're right, your children would not benefit in the least, and likely would be harmed. Don't repeat your sin.

"Repenting" now is almost a selfish act, because of the great harm you will cause to others in your family. Remember, you will have to compound the sin somewhat by maintaining your current level of activity. That's part of your punishment. You brought it on yourself.

Later in life you can repent to a loving bishop, who will understand you motives. If you have not repeated your sin, but have lived otherwise faithful to you covenants, it's very unlikely you will even be excommunicated.

[Dravin]

I would bite the bullet and repent at a much later date, like after your family is raised etc.

42 ¶Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.

43 But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up.

44 Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.

34 For the Son of man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch.

35 Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning:

36 Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping.

27 And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance;

33 Say unto this people: Choose ye this day, to serve the Lord God who made you.

Quite frankly to advise that one should procrastinate the day of their repentance is reprehensible.

[beefche]

So, we are now advising someone to try out Satan's way of life? Procrastinating repentance...justifying not repenting immediately.....hiding sins? Yay for damning people.....

[Jenamarie]

Repentence won't end his marriage. His affair will (maybe). Let's put the blame where it belongs: on the sin.

[slamjet]

I would bite the bullet and repent at a much later date, like after your family is raised etc. IMHO its much more important to keep your family intact and raise your children properly. You're right, your children would not benefit in the least, and likely would be harmed. Don't repeat your sin.

"Repenting" now is almost a selfish act, because of the great harm you will cause to others in your family. Remember, you will have to compound the sin somewhat by maintaining your current level of activity. That's part of your punishment. You brought it on yourself.

Later in life you can repent to a loving bishop, who will understand you motives. If you have not repeated your sin, but have lived otherwise faithful to you covenants, it's very unlikely you will even be excommunicated.

I am biting my tough off to restrain myself from ripping this idiotic posting :mad::mad:

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

I appreciate the comments. This is why I came here is to get advice. I wish I could talk to my bishop but I can't without starting some balls rolling. To address rameumptom's advice and comments. How would you have me classify myself? As a bad person? Obviously I am not fully repentant since I have not confessed to anyone. Obviously what I have done is terrible. I guess any of what may appear on the surface as good attributes come into question if I am living a lie. Am I to give into that belief that I am bad as Satan would have me do? Or do I hold out hope that God still loves me and that I only made a mistake that can be covered by the atonement? I want to believe the later.

So when I say I am not a bad person I mean it only to describe myself in a broad manner. I have been a faithful member of the church all my life. Served a mission. Married in the temple. Full tithe payer. Hard working bread winner. My children are happy and well cared for. My Wife is able to be a stay at home Mom becuase of my hard work. I don't have a criminal record. I don't beat anyone. I go to my kids school programs and sports activities. I read with my kids. I help with household chores. I can fix cars, homes, computers. I read the scriptures. I pray. I keep the word of wisdom. I hold callings and serve faithfully. I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! According to the church all that was good in me is now in question and means nothing unless I REPENT which means confession. How can I do this? Everything will change.

The woman I was unfaithful with has confessed to her bishop. She has done this before with another man so this is the second time she has confessed. She is being disfellowshipped for a year. She has no kids and her husband has had issues of his own so she never worried about losing anyone. I am afraid they won't treat me so kind. Since I am a preisthood holder. Even though I have never done anything like this before. My wife has never done anything wrong so this would rock her world. She has already told me she would leave if I was unfaithful. So I do know what she will do.

I know it sounds trite to say I don't want to hurt anyone when I have already done so. My wife and I have had our problems. But my kids are complete innocent victims. I just don't know what to do.

Myalternate, please don't worry about how others may classify you. It's up to you what type of person you are. We are free to choose. And we are supposed to confess serious sins to His priesthood representative. That would be your bishop or branch president. As His priesthood representative, your bishop will help guide you on what you need to do to repent, and he can help guide you on the issue on what you may need to say to your wife.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Please, just repent. You will feel peace. And in repenting, you will also need to forgive yourself.

Sometimes, people in general may judge you. Don't worry about them, please. It's really not their place. Sometimes people in general may tell you things that may not necessarily apply to you, things that may be their opinions. Sometimes people in general may even tell you things that just are not true. Don't worry about others. You are a child of God and He loves you so much that he sent His son to prepare a way that you can repent--that you can be washed clean from your sins.

You can find the answers to your questions by searching the scriptures, including the words of the prophets.

Look in the scriptures and you will find hope. Look--you will see many sinners that He has forgiven.

Remember the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15:

4What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine ain the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

5And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.

6And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.

7I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

Remember that joy shall be in heaven when you repent. And please do. It is your choice. You are afraid. And the adversary, the one who wants you to be miserable, wants you to have no peace. He wants you to be miserable. But when you repent, you can have peace again.

But please don't procrastinate your repentance. Matthew 24 says:

42¶Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.

43But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up.

44Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour cas ye think not the Son of man cometh.

When you go to your bishop, you have no idea what's going to happen when you confess. At least I didn't. It is so scary! But just trust in the Lord. Right now, you are having some adversity for which you are the cause. But please repent. It is hard. But remember this from D & C 121: 7My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

You are a child of God. And He has sent you here.

[threepercent]

repentance will not end your marriage, it is non existent right now. repentance will be the only thing that will re-instate your marriage.

You are not a father to your kids right now. you are an atm. You cannot be a proper father figgure by doing the wrong thing. by showing them that a man stands up to his mistakes and pays the price, you will be a father again.

You cannot lead your family, or your children to the tree of life in your current state. you will be trying to be a father for the duration of your childrens childhood without the benefit of the guidance of the Holy Ghost.

You cannot understand the horrible impact of living that lie will have in your home.

You cannot give your children priesthood blessings with any power, you can only fake it. that will be screaming wonderful for their understanding of the power of the priesthood and the gospel.

your reasoning is selfish, its for your sake that you want to be around to raise them, but it is not for their sake. if you were really worried about them, you would pay any price, any price to correct your mistakes so you could bless them as a father, and a priesthood holder if needed.

[myalternate]

If you cheat on a spouse and they have to find out on the other side of the veil, you are a coward. That might be a bit plain for some folks, but there is no justice in living the lie and taking it to the grave.

I feel really badly for your spouse and kids. I suspect that this won't make you feel all warm and fuzzy, but it is the truth as far as I am concerned. Be a man, take your medicine, and work to make it right.

It is unbelievable that this is even a discussion. You should know better. Listen to someone besides the Adversary for a while...that might help.

Unbelievable until you are faced with making a similar decision?

[FunkyTown]

Unbelievable until you are faced with making a similar decision?

Just because being torn about this decision is understandable doesn't mean it's excusable.

Not wanting to face up to consequences because you're afraid is understandable. I don't want to most of the time, I can tell you that, and I mess up a lot. Thinking it's okay not to, on the other hand... That needs to be shown for the lie it is.