Still hurting over husband rejecting the church

[zuko725]

Hi guys.. I know I posted a similar question to this a couple months ago but I'm still looking for advice or just some comforting words.

As I've mentioned before I met and married my husband during a period of inactivity. Back in May I decided I needed the church in my life again and started going back and tried to get my husband into it.

In the beginning he was really excited about it and loved it. He looked forward to going to church with me every Sunday and having the missionaries. He sat and had long discussions about the church with my dad (who converted when he met my mom) and would come to me with the scriptures so we could read them together. I really thought that he was going to accept the church and be baptized and that we would go to the temple together.

In July he left for AT with the army and while he was there he said he prayed for an answer about the church and didn't get one and since then has been against the church. He has no desire to go with me anymore and wont even discuss it. He says he has no problem with me going but acts very annoyed anytime something about the church is brought up. He almost acts like the church is evil or something now.

There are really no words for how heartbroken I am. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't cry. I feel like we are two different people who want two different things. We were once a couple who practically never argued and now we bicker all the time. I feel like we are in two seperate worlds now and it really hurts.

He also likes to drink occasionally (and I used to, but quit) and now if he orders a drink he makes a comment about how I don't drink anymore. If we're out with friends or family he finds a way to bring up the church and insults it. (This is NOT like his normal character)

I just don't understand how someone could go from embracing the gospel to suddenly hating it for no apparent reason. I feel like our marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I almost feel like there's no point in us being married.. it's just going to end when we die anyway.

My husband also knows that I'm hurting over this and is now scared to death that I'm going to leave him for "some mormon guy who can give me what I want".

I'm also hestitant on having children with him. I can't bear the thought of having kids and knowing that they're not sealed to me. Luckily we don't have children yet and don't plan to for a while, so that's a bridge we can cross later.

However, I will NEVER leave him. I love my husband dearly (which is why this is so hard on me) and I take my marriage seriously. I feel like leaving him over this would be very selfish. One thing that really bothered me though was that a couple weeks ago we had a lesson in Relief Society about temple marriages and one lady was talking about how her grandaughter married a non member and when he wouldn't join the church she divorced him and found a guy who was a member.. and everyone in the class seemed to agree that doing this was the right thing for the girl to do. Somehow I don't believe leaving my husband just because he want convert to the church is right. Surely the church wouldn't suggest doing something like that.

Anyway, I guess I was just looking to vent and could really use some words of comfort.. especially from people who have been in a similar situation or know someone who has.

[RMGuy]

For what it is worth I will take a stab at this. I hope you can find something helpful in it. If not, please feel free to ignore it as well. I can't claim to have all the answers.

As I've mentioned before I met and married my husband during a period of inactivity. Back in May I decided I needed the church in my life again and started going back and tried to get my husband into it. .

I think it is important to remember that this is early days. Your return to the church is still in its infancy. It has only been 4 months since your return. For you husband I'm sure this has been a pretty dramatic shift from the you that he was used to.

In the beginning he was really excited about it and loved it. He looked forward to going to church with me every Sunday and having the missionaries. He sat and had long discussions about the church with my dad (who converted when he met my mom) and would come to me with the scriptures so we could read them together. I really thought that he was going to accept the church and be baptized and that we would go to the temple together.

In July he left for AT with the army and while he was there he said he prayed for an answer about the church and didn't get one and since then has been against the church. He has no desire to go with me anymore and wont even discuss it. He says he has no problem with me going but acts very annoyed anytime something about the church is brought up. He almost acts like the church is evil or something now.

Have you talked with him openly and honestly, listening to him as opposed to trying to defend or be defensive, about what happened here? I know of several people who have put Moroni's promise to the test and claim to have gotten nothing by way of an answer. This can be frustrating, upseting, or even faith killing, especially if the individual has done all that they have been instructed to do and have been faithful and worthy, yet still do not feel like they have received an answer.

Similarly while he was away on AT he could have come into contact with information regarding the church that concerns him. He might have concerns regarding church history, authority, or revelation. Listening and helping him to find answers, while taking his concerns seriously may be a help.

There are really no words for how heartbroken I am. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't cry. I feel like we are two different people who want two different things. We were once a couple who practically never argued and now we bicker all the time. I feel like we are in two seperate worlds now and it really hurts.

This is understandable, but remember who moved in the relationship. At least from where it originated. It was you. Now this may very well have been a good move, BUT from you husbands perspective it will still feel as though you were the one that changed.

I just don't understand how someone could go from embracing the gospel to suddenly hating it for no apparent reason. I feel like our marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I almost feel like there's no point in us being married.. it's just going to end when we die anyway.

This, along with the fact that he knows you are upset (crying) etc. probably is reinforcing his concern that you talk about below. He needs to know that you are not going to leave him for someone else.

My husband also knows that I'm hurting over this and is now scared to death that I'm going to leave him for "some mormon guy who can give me what I want".

I'm also hestitant on having children with him. I can't bear the thought of having kids and knowing that they're not sealed to me.

You need to share this with him AFTER you listen to his concerns, none judgementally.

Luckily we don't have children yet and don't plan to for a while, so that's a bridge we can cross later. .

This is something that you need to address sooner rather than later. Otherwise it will fester and be a much more difficult bridge when you do get to it. Not saying this needs to be today or even this month...it should come after some of the discussions above, but soon.

However, I will NEVER leave him. I love my husband dearly (which is why this is so hard on me) and I take my marriage seriously. I feel like leaving him over this would be very selfish..

Good. Tell him that! He needs to know that. Though you sound unconvinced of it yourself up above. So if you mean it, then share it so you both believe it.

With that being said, Zuko, best of luck. This is a very difficult situation for both of you. Just because your husband has pulled back doesn't mean he has rejected the church. Even if he does reject the church remember that doesn't mean he is rejecting you. It also does not make him a bad individual. There have been millions, even billions of individuals on the earth that have lived wonderful, productive, and even Christlike lives that were not members of the church, and we are blessed because of them. You married a man that you loved, I presume. Build on that.

-RM

[Vort]

I agree with RMGuy. Try to remove your disappointment from the equation and just treat your husband with the love and respect you feel (or felt) for him. Let him know, in word and in deed, that you are there for him. Bury your disappointment, for now at least.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think Vort's advice will do more to turn this situation around than anything else.

I was the uncommitted (to the Church) husband at one point in our marriage. I have always lived the commandments, so that is never a problem. But I was deeply hurt by the actions of someone in the official Church hierarchy and it represented a huge challenge to my testimony given its juxtaposition with everything we are supposed to believe. I stopped going to Church weekly (say, every two weeks), and got released from my calling since I couldn't bring myself to serve in such an environment any longer. I suppose I was semi-active, as I still did my home teaching, and was still worthy of a recommend. But the innocence about, and even pride in our religion was gone.

At this point, my wife made a comment that she wasn't going to to stay married to me if I wasn't active in the Church.

The impact this had on me was to resent the Church even further. Not only had the experiences there been deeply unsettling, my association with it was causing problems in my marriage. I shared my concerns with a woman who was married to a non-member but who was a leader in the Ward, and temple worthy.

She made the comment "Your love for your spouse should transcend their activity in the Church".

She eventually turned my wife's attitude around. Then I was more open to influence from the Church, and eventually came around. There are still residual effects from the negative experience, but I promise that any negative attitudes you develop about your husband and your marriage etcetera because of his lack of interest in the Church will only worsen the situation, and turn him away even further.

In terms of what has turned him against the Church -- one can only speculate. Was he perhaps exposed to anti-Mormon ideas during his time away from you? These are the sorts of things that make people jaundiced toward it, along with very negative experiences while serving within it...sometimes.

[zuko725]

Thanks for the replies / advice so far.

I have talked to him some about why he doesn't like the church anymore and he told me that he felt like it was being pushed on him too much. I do take part of the blame for this. When he was investigating the church I got really excited about and perhaps did make him feel pressured (however that was not my intention) My family also unintentionally pressured him. Not to mention the missionaries gave him a proposed baptism date before my husband had said he was ready for it AND people at church would make comments like "Oh, you're not a member? We'll we will just have to fix that!"

At the time I didn't really think much about it, but looking back on it now I can definitely see that he was pressured.

Also he was at AT with his best friend who is athiest and very against religion.. but I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

I feel like our marriage is under a lot of stress and we bicker constantly now.. over stupid stuff. I know I need to just love him and be patient with him but it's so hard.

I have also told him repeatedly that I am never going to leave him.. but he still feels insecure.

[skippy740]

A couple of points I'd like to make:

The challenge to join the church is a challenge. Sure, there's a little pressure. But if everyone was ready for the challenge... they don't NEED the challenge. However, everyone is also free to take their own pace. (We LDS people do tend to get pretty excited when others are investigating our faith.)

The lesson in relief society is an indicator that there is a trend in the women in the church... that if husbands don't shape up... they'll leave them. It's as if the traditional marriage vows aren't good enough for LDS... richer or poorer, in sickness and in health (which can be spiritual sickness or health)... for better or worse.

Yet they married the man they loved at the time. What changed? The standards of the woman for the man.

It's true that you marry who you date. If you want to marry in the temple, you need to date someone who is living worthily to take you. But once you've made your choice, I vote to stick by that person. They were good enough before... why not now?

Some sisters can really inspire self-righteousness or become self-righteous when they hear talks about "LDS fatherhood" and the 'perfect examples' they hear about... then do comparative worthiness of their spouse to the talk... and the other fathers around them.

(This is an observational post and seems to relate to my own marriage as well... so this isn't pointed at anyone in the thread or on the forum.)

[RMGuy]

I'll add one other point, for in the future. I have observed that sometimes individuals who have gone through a situation such as the one that you describe can begin to build a temple marriage or sealing up in their own mind, and then when that great day arrives and things are not the wonderful world that they envisioned it can also lead to disappointment. Don't allow that to happen to you.

Should your husband come back around, and should things work out tha tthe two of your are sealed, then you have been granted a wonderful blessing, the opportunity to continue this family relationship into the eternities. It doesn't however change the nature of the relationship at all. The two of you working together is what changes the relationship, and you can do that now. Then the sealing can be a fulfillment of what you already have (a loving relationship).

-RM

[HiJolly]

Thanks for the replies / advice so far.

I have talked to him some about why he doesn't like the church anymore and he told me that he felt like it was being pushed on him too much. I do take part of the blame for this. When he was investigating the church I got really excited about and perhaps did make him feel pressured (however that was not my intention) My family also unintentionally pressured him. Not to mention the missionaries gave him a proposed baptism date before my husband had said he was ready for it AND people at church would make comments like "Oh, you're not a member? We'll we will just have to fix that!"

At the time I didn't really think much about it, but looking back on it now I can definitely see that he was pressured.

Yep. Recognizing this is very important. And apologizing for it as well. His feelings are paramount.

Also he was at AT with his best friend who is athiest and very against religion.. but I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

It probably does. The atheist's mindset is all about materialistic proof and the logical probability of things. Religion & spiritual things cannot look good in that specific light, they fail every time. It is very easy to get caught up in that mindset. So it's no wonder.

Your husband probably had a long conversation(s) with his friend, which raised doubts in his mind. To resolve the doubts, I can imagine him taking Moroni's promise to the test and when it failed, it just was too much.

I must say that my prayers concerning the specific question of the truth of the Book of Mormon have never been answered in a big way, but rather in very small ways, like, 10,000 times over. But while I've had big revelations, none have been specific to the Book of Mormon. So if I were not sensitive to the little things, I might also say I didn't get an answer.

I feel like our marriage is under a lot of stress and we bicker constantly now.. over stupid stuff. I know I need to just love him and be patient with him but it's so hard.

I have also told him repeatedly that I am never going to leave him.. but he still feels insecure.

I hope & pray for your marital situation to improve. But I'm totally not worried about his conversion. God has the ball, & He'll run with it, in His way and in His time. Have faith, hope & above all, charity.

HiJolly

[Madriglace]

You have been given a great deal of good advice to your questions ... so I will just add a couple of points.

My basic point of view is we get out of something what we put into it ... you need to be the very best wife to your husband that you can be ... and shame on the sisters who think leaving is an option ... if you look for the good and act on it that will be what you get out of your marriage. While you work on that ... be the best you you can be as well ... get yourself temple ready and take out your own endowment ... it will be a huge help to you ... then walk in the footsteps of the Master ... your example and the changes in your life will go farther to turning your husband to the church than anything. And when the children come ...don't worry about the lack of a sealing to their father ... as long as you live the way you should it will all work out ... never doubt that a loving Father would not take your children from you because of someone else's choice. Your commitment to what you believe is going to be the your greatest asset. Good luck.

[zuko725]

The advice given to me has been so amazing! Thank you guys so much.. I really do feel better now.

Another question I have (which may take the conversation in a different direction) but I recieved my patriarchal blessing right before I left for college and it told me in the very beginning that I would have a temple marriage.. and throughout the blessing it mentions things about me and my husband.. It also tells me that as long as I live worthy Heavenly Father is bound to keep his promises.

As I mentioned before I was inactive when I met and married my husband so I realize I didn't get the temple marriage I was promised and that it is my fault I didn't.

Now that I am going back to church and in the process of becoming worthy again.. how does a temple marriage fit into that? Did I miss my opportunity for a temple marriage? Will I just be sealed to someone else in the afterlife? If so, does that mean the other things mentioned in my blessing about my husband are now invalid? Or does it mean that my now husband will eventually convert?

I realize no one is going to have a definite answer on this.. But I am curious to hear what you may think.

[Dravin]

My inclination is that by deviation from your course (even though you are now back on it) has thrown the blessings 'out of whack' as it were. Patriarchal blessings are the blessings promised you if you are faithful and obedient. Straying from that faithfulness and obedience can invalidate blessings. So if one went inactive, married a non-member, and then came back into activity I wouldn't take wording about a temple marriage to be evidence that your non-member spouse will convert and be sealed to you.

That said, the best person to take it up with is the Lord.

[estradling75]

Patriarchal Blessing are based on faithfulness... Therefore your falling away could invalidate them.

That being said people make mistakes. The whole point of the atonement is to help people get back, and get the blessings of the Lord. So while the details of your Patriarchal Blessing might not hold any longer. The blessings of being sealed is still a possibility. Do your best to live faithful and true to what you have now and you will receive them. Even if it takes until after this life to see it

[RMGuy]

Zuko,

I'm happy to share my thoughts on your latest question. I'm sure others will do so as well.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that Patriarchal Blessings are not fortune telling. I know that you know this, but feel it is important to reiterate. I mean no offense, but it is impossible for us to know for certain what will happen or will not happen with regards to this, or even what the timeline is for these promises. I can tell you that based on church doctrine as well as your blessing, that you will have the opportunity for a temple marriage. When or to whom I do not know.

How can you influence that outcome is usually the next question that one asks. Live worthy of the blessing.

Not sure if that helps, but hope it provides something of value for you.

On Edit, and with all respect to our dutiful moderators who have given you some good advice above. I would also submit that the Lord is omniscient he knows the challenges and struggles you would face. They have a good point above, that we have agency to choose and that our choices have consequences. I think our Father understands us very well.

-RM

Edited October 4, 2011 by RMGuy

[Vort]

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that Patriarchal Blessings are not fortune telling.

At the risk of making a habit out of it, I must again second what RMGuy says here. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that a patriarchal blessing is a divine tea leaf reading. The blessings promised are real and literal, but are also dependent on your faithfulness and actions. If you have fallen away and come back, the blessings may still be in effect but may be realized differently. You can always explain your situation to your stake patriarch and ask his counsel, or even request a blessing at his hand to clarify things. Don't know how that would turn out, but it would not hurt to ask, in my opinion.

[JudoMinja]

I have also told him repeatedly that I am never going to leave him.. but he still feels insecure.

This concerns me... Why does he feel insecure? Is it just because your marriage is kind of "rocky" right now and he doesn't think you are going to stick it through? Or is there some other underlying reason? The reason it concerns me is that people who are overly insecure for no logical reason can tend to let their fear lead them to controlling behavior. Your mention of this raised a red flag in my mind because of your previous comment in the op:

He also likes to drink occasionally (and I used to, but quit) and now if he orders a drink he makes a comment about how I don't drink anymore. If we're out with friends or family he finds a way to bring up the church and insults it. (This is NOT like his normal character).

While this could just be him lashing out because he doesn't like your "change", this can be an overtly controlling tactic. It is a form of emotional blackmail- trying to make you feel bad about your faith so that you will give it up.

He should not be doing this! You need to talk with him about it. As your husband, he should be able to be respectful of your beliefs, even if he doesn't agree. Just as you should be able to be respectful of his decision not to join the church.

[RMGuy]

You can always explain your situation to your stake patriarch and ask his counsel, or even request a blessing at his hand to clarify things. Don't know how that would turn out, but it would not hurt to ask, in my opinion.

I had forgotten that this was an option, but it definitely is, and one that you don't hear about a lot. You can talk to your current stake patriarch, even if they were not the one that gave the intial blessing. Very good advice.

-RM

[prisonchaplain]

Is it really true that when an inactive couple becomes a mixed-faith one, that the one who is LDS might consider NOT HAVING CHILDREN, because they could not be sealed to him/her??? Is this a bridge to be crossed later on? Frankly, I find that horrible. I understand the initial thinking, but if there is marriage, whether eternal or til death, how could either consider, for any length of time, withholding the blessing of offspring?

[Vort]

Is it really true that when an inactive couple becomes a mixed-faith one, that the one who is LDS might consider NOT HAVING CHILDREN, because they could not be sealed to him/her???

I am sure this is true. LDS people might consider any number of things for any number of reasons, including not having children because they are not sealed to their spouse. Perhaps the OP is considering this very thing.

If you are concerned that this is LDS doctrine or is the counsel of LDS leaders to those in mixed-faith marriages, you can ease your mind. There is no such teaching or counsel, at least not that I am aware of. I have never heard of any such thing.

EDIT: Here is an interesting quote in this regard, from an address given to the Young Women by sister Lillie Freeze in 1891 (The Young Woman's Journal 2:81, 1891):

We should post ourselves regarding the prophecies that have been predicted. I will mention one in particular that was uttered by the Prophet Joseph Smith, he [sic] said the time would come when none but the women of the Latter-day Saints would be willing to bear children. I would advise those only to marry who would be willing to take the responsibility of raising a family. Be guarded in your conduct, it [sic] is by degrees that the ruin of a great many young girls has been accomplished; were it in an instant it might be obviated. Quoted from the Scriptures: "Be ye not unequally yoked together." Use your influence to try to convert the young men. I trust they are properly taught regarding their duties and warned against the great sin of adultery. Make marriage a matter of prayer; look for a man who is worthy to take you through the temple. I trust you will never marry outside of the holy covenant; it would be an injury to your posterity, you [sic] would rob them of a birthright. May God bless you and inspire you to remember what you have heard.

Edited October 4, 2011 by Vort

[zuko725]

I will admit that I considered just not having children with him because I couldn't stand the thought of not having them sealed to me.. HOWEVER I have changed my view on that for two reasons.

1. I am never leaving my husband.. I love him dearly and promised to stick by him, so I will. That being said, I really really want to be a mother some day and the idea of not having children at all hurts even more than not having them sealed to me.

2. Not having children would be very selfish of me and unfair to not give my spouse the chance to be a father, plus my future children will need to gain a body of their own.

So bottom line, I believe it would be wrong and very selfish of me to not have children.

[zuko725]

Also in reply to Judominja's post:

He is feeling insecure because he knows what I want: A temple marriage and a husband who is lds. So he feels like he is no longer the guy I want and I guess is afraid I will leave him so I can find someone who can give me what I want. I keep telling him that this isn't going to happen but I guess he is still worried about it.

And for the most part he is respectful of my beliefs. He has no problem with me going to church and even encourages it. I go visiting teaching which he is okay with and I have visiting teachers who come over and he will interact with them and be very polite. We also have a home teacher (who he also works with and is friends with.. so that's good) and he is okay with them coming over.

He only acts rude / says things when we're around his friends or even his family. (His family loves me and have no problem with the church so luckily that isn't an issure) So I don't know what his reasoning for acting like that around other people is. I do plan on talking to him and asking him to not be rude when talking to other people about it.

This whole thing just really has me feeling depressed and worried about the future of my marriage. I feel like I'll never truly be happy. Every time I look at him all I can think about is how I'm going to lose him when one of us dies.. and that breaks my heart. I feel like now that I'm back at church my standards and values have changed and no longer match my husband's. I guess we just need to find a common ground but I don't see how that's possible.

[Maureen]

...This whole thing just really has me feeling depressed and worried about the future of my marriage. I feel like I'll never truly be happy. Every time I look at him all I can think about is how I'm going to lose him when one of us dies.. and that breaks my heart. I feel like now that I'm back at church my standards and values have changed and no longer match my husband's. I guess we just need to find a common ground but I don't see how that's possible.

You're looking too far into the future, remember to live for today and enjoy the present with your husband and not dwell too much on the unknown. One of your Apostle's gave a talk to the RS ladies with some wise advice, you should check it out here.

Forget Me Not - general-conference

M.

[annewandering]

Sometimes we read into Patriarchal Blessings things that they dont say. As time goes by we see what was really said. I just reread mine this morning. There is so much there to think about. Warnings as well as encouragements. My life has been a bit out of the mainstream yet in reading the blessing it is clear that he did know. What I had thought as a young woman were promises were more about choices that I would be faced with. The comforts come from knowing that He knows me and is aware of my trials. The blessing may not be a tea reading session but I know that man saw what my life was going to be and he gave me blessings he knew I would need. There was a time that he stopped and was quiet. He seemed to find it very hard to go on. Now I know why. For many many years it gave me comfort and hope for a particular outcome.

Maybe my blessing was different but I dont know. I would take them very seriously even if you havent been always perfect. We have all fallen short. Dont you think He knew that would happen and made allowances in the blessing for it?

[prisonchaplain]

Another reality that is true for all Christians in mixed-faith marriages...the Apostle Paul suggests that perhaps our love for our spouse will eventually win them over to the Gospel. It's not a promise, but a hope. The implication is that if we give anything less than our full love, we may sabotage the very thing we hope for.

My sense is that Zuko is fine, and the couple will find their equilibrium. From her account they have much that is going for them. The sudden bickering, and the social slights in front of hubby's friends are likely the product of the uncertainty this issue has created. Once he is sure that you will stick with him (time will teach him this), the old happiness will mostly return.

And again, who knows what love will do...

[sister_in_faith]

I'm praying for you!

[zuko725]

Thank you guys! You have all given me such wonderul advice! I really appreciate everyones input and I can't thank you guys enough, I'm so thankful I found this message board.