Shameful vent :(

[Bini]

For those of you that have followed me (post 1 & post 2) you kind of know what I've been going through.

Well here I am again. Baby and I are 7 weeks postpartum now. While things are gradually getting better — they're not getting better fast enough! Between now and when baby was born I've had three major meltdowns which I neglected to mention before because each time I figured it's just normal. Turns out that this is only true when you're not thinking about jumping off a cliff or dropping baby off at the nearest hospital in a box with bottles and diapers. Needless to say, my OB diagnosed me with PPD and I started Wellbutrin. I feel a bit better but the challenges seem to far outweigh the positive side effects of the drug. In three words, I feel helpless.

My husband has been a huge help from day one when I was pregnant to now. But I can see that my current "condition" is affecting him. On each occassion that I've had a meltdown, he's hurried home from work to rescue me from baby, taking her off my hands and literally caring for her the rest of the night. I feel awful, I feel incompetent and I feel helpless. Of course, my husband just holds me and tells me that his priority and main concern is me and our baby, and that he never wants me to feel like I have to face this alone. I just feel worse because I feel like I've created such a burden on his shoulders. He's up at 430AM, drives a long commute to work and puts in long hours and.. UGH. Why don't I have a handle on things? At nighttime, he'll hear baby cry and jump up out of bed to take care of her so I can catch up on sleep for the next day. Only, he's running on a few hours a night of sleep and then going to work! And he never complains In fact, he rewards me for being a sucky mum by getting me out of the house and taking me on a date! What the heck. I feel so much guilt.

Lastnight was probably my worst meltdown yet. I said some terrible things that I wish I had never said. I basically told him that I hate being a mother and that I hate being with our daughter during the day when he's at work. He just paused a moment and said that he didn't know what to say. I went into our bedroom and just collapsed onto the bed. After a little while I went to checkup on him and baby, and I hear him saying to her while he rocks her in his arms, "..this breaks my heart.."

Anyway. It's just been super tough and I think my brave face has just peeled off. My mum lives long distance so there isn't much she can do. My MIL takes care of hubby's grandparents and cannot devote more than a few hours to baby. My friends work and have their own children, and all they can tell me is: it gets better!

Just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening mamas.

---

Update: Things have settled down..

Edited November 29, 2011 by Bini

[Guest]

No shame. Just stop it. PPD is a big deal. It alters your perception of things. It makes everything a huge mountain to climb. The meds will take awhile to really kick in. I'm so glad you have a sweet, supportive husband. Just make sure to take the help, and let him know that it means so much to you, and that you will get better and this will pass. You will bond more to your daughter, you will have joyful days. In the meantime just be gentle on yourself, and do what you need to to get you and your little one through the day. It isn't easy, but you are doing it. You're doing great. You are. And it does get better.

[applepansy]

You need to be kinder to yourself. Your husband is going without sleep and caring for you and baby BUT....

and its a BIG BUT....

He is NOT going through major hormonal changes.

Your body and hormones will level out eventually and you'll be back to yourself, with one wonderful addition. I know its hard. I'm glad your doctor recognized the symptoms of PPD. Give it some time. Be good to yourself. Try to remember that love does fix everything.

(((hugs)))

Edited November 8, 2011 by applepansy

[Jennarator]

Glad to hear you are getting some help from the Dr. It's not easy to admit you have PPD. People are more aware of it, now, so that is helpful. SOunds like your husband is doing the best he can.

You kinda sound like I feel, now, and during my pregnancy. Know you are not alone. Is it possible to hire a nanny, or homeschooled teen to give a hand during the day? Maybe even someone you wants to get some service done?

I know it's easier said than done, but remember, Heavenly Father knows what you are going thru, pray, I'll keepo you in my prayers, too.

Good luck & hang in there.

[MarginOfError]

There's nothing shameful about this vent. Like applepansy said, you're going through major hormonal changes. Some of the things that you're going through are legitimately out of your control. Even the snapping remarks at your husband have to be cast off. It's harder to control your words and emotions when you are under the hormonal imbalances that you've never encountered before.

Remember that you've not had a lot of practice with PPD, so give yourself a little slack. What you're going through is entirely normal, and for the most part, you and your husband are doing everything right.

That isn't to say that there won't be conflicts and hurt feelings along the way, but it's easier to get over these things when you realize that you literally aren't your normal self.

I'd also suggest seeing a counselor or therapist for a few months. If you and your husband have a place to vent your frustrations and feelings to a person that understands the causes, you might find yourselves feeling better. Also, they might be able to point out things you can do to come out of faster and enable your usual self to take control.

[JudoMinja]

I had PPD too, and I was definitely NOT myself. I was extremely emotional, easily stressed, easily saddened, always overwhelmed, always on edge. You should be very greatful to have such a supportive husband while you go through this, and the only advice I can think to offer is to accept whatever help you can get. It is hard to take care of a baby when you are having a hard time taking care of yourself- and that does not at all make you a bad mother! It really is the hormones, and when everything levels out, things will become much more clear and easy to handle.

[annewandering]

and you will bond with your baby. and they wont be damaged for life by it all.

[Iggy]

I know you aren't active in Church, but you do have VTeachers don't you?

If you don't, call the RS Pres and ask to have VT's assigned to you. Then before she hangs up, tell her that you are a new Mommy and have PPD and that you need helping Mommy's.

When do you need the help the most: time of day? Then ask for some of the Sisters to come and be Aunts and Grannies for an hour or two a day.

They can pass around an Auntie/Grannie sign up sheet for those hours EVERY day. Knowing that reliable help will be coming at 1PM and staying for 2 or 3 hours EVERY WEEK day, will give you the opportunity to flee to your bedroom to sleep, or go out to the library or do the grocery shopping.

OR the RS Pres can personally ask 3 to 5 Sisters that she would trust her newborn with to help you out.

Bini, don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Allow the Sisters in your Ward to help you. Not only will you benefit from their help, so will they benefit by the blessings they will receive in their selfless service to you.

You do not have to be active in Church to receive this help. We have a very young inactive sister who just had a baby in our Branch. She is not married, and is living with her Grandma (who is inactive too). When her VTeachers told us of her pregnancy and that they just are not prepared for the baby. We joined ranks, outfitted her nursery with gently used furniture, bedding, new cloth diapers (her request), baby clothes, books, toys. We also have a sign up sheet for sisters to go there twice a week to help with the laundry, house chores and to watch the darling little girl while Mommy and Grandma go to lunch and/or a movie.

Some of our young mothers have her bring the baby to their homes, so she can go do shopping. The only unbending rule is she has to be back within 5 hours. She has never over stepped the time limit.

Because of the support of the Branch, she has asked if this help can continue so that she can go to community college to get her High School Diploma. There are only a few of us who did not get a chance to sign up on the sheet. Hopefully next month I will be able to get a 4 hour time slot.

We have not pressured her and Grandma to come to Church, nor would we ever make that a condition for continued help. We are just thrilled to be Aunties and Grammies!! Especially for us who never had children and whose siblings live too far away to see the nieces and nephews more than twice in a life time.

PS: If I was in your Ward I would be honored to be a Helping Grammie.

[applepansy]

PS: If I was in your Ward I would be honored to be a Helping Grammie.

me too!

[Jennarator]

me too!

ditto.

[Suzie]

Bini!!! I wish I could hug you right now! Things WILL get better and you will enjoy being a mom. You are great and very blessed to have a supporting and loving husband. :)

*hugs*

[Connie]

My mother had PPD back when it wasn't called PPD. It was so bad she was hospitalized. But i know it turned out to be a good experience for her because it taught her to rely more on the Lord.

In the most recent General Conference, Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Scriptures can calm an agitated soul, giving peace, hope, and a restoration of confidence in one's ability to overcome the challenges of life. They have potent power to heal emotional challenges when there is faith in the Savior."

If you are not already, take 15 minutes a day to read and ponder a short passage of scripture. Or download some audio scripture from the church website and listen to them while you are caring for your infant. It may help more than you realize.

[Wingnut]

Bini, first I want to say -- kudos to you for having the courage to share your struggles with us. I haven't experienced PPD depression, but I've experienced other depression, and I know how isolated one can feel.

I've been treated in the past with Wellbutrin, and on a clinical note -- try to realize that it's not a quick-acting medication like Prozac. It takes a few weeks to build up in your system. For me, it was around 6 weeks before I started to notice consistent differences and was accustomed to initial side effects.

I've struggled with depression and loneliness in this current pregnancy. At times I haven't wanted to be pregnant or have another child at all. It took almost to my third trimester before I was even the least bit excited about it, or began to feel any sort of bond with this particular baby. I felt so alone. People at church looked at me like I was crazy when I answered "no" to the questions about whether or not I was getting excited. I finally worked up the courage to write about my struggle on my blog (which I'll forward to you privately if you'd like to read it -- just PM me), and I received so many comments from women who had, at some point, felt similar struggles. One friend even shared with me her battle with postpartum psychosis, where she just simply hated her baby.

I agree with MOE's suggestion about some short-term counseling. I also think you should contact the hospital where you delivered and find out about PPD support groups. I would be really surprised if they didn't have some resources to offer you in that department. Finally, don't try to do it yourself. Your MIL may be great, but she and your husband aren't enough. You need other help as well. Contact your Relief Society president and tell her that you need visiting teachers or other support.

[classylady]

Bini, I'm so glad you were diagnosed! Wouldn't it be awful to have those feelings and not know what was going on? I never had full PPD after my pregnancies, but I would get the "baby blues" for awhile. As my kids would say, hormonal changes suck! I agree with the advice that's been given. Don't be afraid or ashamed to get help from the Relief Society, or from whatever source that you can. For me, I always tried to shoulder all my problems on my own. I see in hindsight that was not the best way to go. I was just too prideful to ask for help--still am. I would love to be a RS grandma and help out. Hugs!

[Blocky]

So my youngest right now is 14 months old. She was born in August of 2010. I'd say from about August 2010 - July 2011 I was a 'sucky mother and wife'. Meltdown? Oh yeah. Days where all I did was sleep, of course. My husband was working, taking care of the kids, making food, and cleaning up. I was.... hmmm. I'd read to the kids sometimes. OH and lots of nursing the baby. I was anemic, depressed, and my lupus acted up for the first time in 10 years. I guess I'm just saying all this to let you know that feeling overwhelmed, and kind of hating life (i did and I didn't. I felt blessed but like I didn't want the pressure of dealing with all the blessing if that makes sense. I felt like someone else would do better at what I needed to do.) I wish I'd spent less time comparing myself negatively to other people.

I have a friend who posts on facebook a lot about how her kids are driving her crazy and she's having a meltdown and how she can't believe she yelled at them. It might sound like she's being a 'sucky mom' but really she loves her kids so much, is involved with them, has fun with them, but sometimes life, especially as a mother is VERY hard and overwhelming, and gets you when you're at your worst. Even workaholics and those with stressful jobs get to go home at night. Being a stay at home mom, there are no breaks and so when it is overwhelming you have to give yourself a break. How much less stress would you feel if you actually believed how you're feeling is normal and will go away and if anything be a learning experience for the future? You titled your post 'shameful' because you feel bad about how you're acting. IT IS OK. It's normal (as in common) It's not fun, and I REALLY hope that the meds help. One day at a time. Meltdown yesterday? Well, new day. Having a bad day? How about an hour at a time, a minute at a time. Get rid of the guilt, it's just making it harder.

As far as feeling bad about putting it on your husbands shoulders, I know that feeling. It got to the point where I realized if he's taking it on, doing it, then he can, and that's ok. It's ok to ask him to sacrifice. When I was feeling more upbeat I'd pour out my gratitude to him. When I felt insane I'd stay away from him (hence the days in bed). Hang in there Bini!

[Guest]

BINI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS ANATESS!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember me?

Sorry, I haven't been back here for a while. I actually just went back when I got your message on my profile (it emailed me).

I haven't read any of the responses to the thread. I haven't read Post 1 and 2 yet either. Sorry, I just wanted to jump in here really quick to give you virtual hugs and lend my support.

Okay, listen, I went through this! Yes. TWICE! The first time, I was stupid and ignorant and didn't know anything about PPD. And, I'm the type of person that only goes to the doctor if I feel like I'm dying - so having to go to the OB for a jillion times before the baby was born was super crazy for me that the minute I got out of the hospital after the baby was born, you have to drag me back to the OB kicking and screaming. Hence, I didn't know that these crazy things I was going through was PPD.

I was able to survive it drug-free the first time (because I didn't know you can take a pill for the thing!) so the 2nd time around I was more prepared and decided to muscle through it drug-free too.

So, I'm certain you are in a better spot than I was because, at least, you have the support of your OB and is getting some meds to help. I just have to mention that the meds give some funky side-effects as well - especially, it affects your appetite and sleep which you need at this time.

Okay, I'm just telling you this because I know it's so patronizing to say I know how you feel, but, I think this is true - I fairly certain I know how you feel! How did I survive? My husband! And it seems like your husband is helping you survive as well. So you need to go on your knees and thank God for that, girlfriend. I know it sucks big time to feel guilty about "abusing" your husband... when I went through it the first time, my husband didn't know anything about PPD either so the only thing going through his head is that his wife is a major pain and the bottom! But, he was committed enough to the family that he took the punches and rolled with it.

Okay, so for some concrete advice: I got through it by MIND OVER MATTER. Yes, it comes straight from the Scientology book Dianetics. LOL. No, I don't subscribe to scientoloty...

1.) RECOGNIZE the problem. That's not just you, girl. That's you and your husband. Seems like you're doing this already because - you know you have PPD, your husband knows you have PPD.

2.) Treat it like any medical problem (diagnosed and treated) - the problem is not you or your husband or your baby. The problem is the imbalance in your body. So, you have to look at the problem and then you and your husband find a way to treat it - deal with it. So, mind over matter is to realize when the mood-swing happens that this is the PPD taking over and you can keep your brain actively fighting it as it is raging through. For example, my PPD is expressed in the form of hating my husband. Yeah, kinda stupid. I truly believe that my husband was going to kill my baby with his incompetence.... as I saw it, he can't heat my breastmilk properly, he can't hold the baby properly, he can't put the baby to nap properly, he can't play with the baby properly... so I yelled and screamed at him to get away from my baby! Yeah, really stupid, right. Anyway, on my 2nd baby, I can recognize that the PPD was happening because I would start to literally see red when my husband takes care of the baby, but I kept my brain cognizant enough that it is the PPD so that I can tell my husband I'm having PPD while I'm yelling and screaming at him and so he doesn't react in a way that aggravates the situation. We kinda tried beating it together - by both of us trying to be cognizant of what's going on so that my husband did not end up hating me and I ended up trying to muscle my way to controlling it.

So, here are some things that may possibly be the cause of your PPD:

1 - Changes in normal daily activities

2 - Lack of sleep because of caring for the infant

3 - Change in relationship with your partner

4 - Change in financial security

5 - Feeling of distress or guilt because you expected to be happy about having a baby

Now, these may or may not be conscious experiences. These may just be subliminal things burried in your psyche. If you've been through a depresion cycle before, the effects of depression post partum are more pronounced.

So, it is relatively easier to deal with this now if you can objectively acknowledge the causes. So then you can target each one of the things above and try to remedy it. The thing is - the depression cycle goes in ups and downs. It cycles from not so bad to super meltdown bad. So, do a lot of this thinking and analyzing and very importantly - talking with your husband - when you're in the not so bad stage of the cycle.

Tips to addressing the above causes:

1 - Set up a schedule and try to stick to it. Babies are very unpredictable but they're fairly consistent according to their needs - they get fed, their diapers get changed, they get to play a bit, then they sleep. Over and over. So, it doesn't have to be a "timed" cycle. Just as long as you have a consistent - feed, change, play, sleep thing going. Once you get this schedule down pat, you can then insert your adult-needs in there - like you can put the baby on the playpen to play next to you while you wash and sterilize baby stuff or something like that. When she naps, you get a nap too. Things like that. Getting comfortable with the schedule will make it so you won't have too many unexpected things coming at you. Learn to say No if you don't think you can handle it - like if somebody wants to come visit at naptime...

2 - Lack of sleep is a given. For both you and your husband. So, you both get to tag team on solving this. This is what my husband and I did for our second baby - My husband wakes up at 8:00 to be at work by 9:00, he comes home at 6:00. I took maternity leave. So, we have dinner at 7:00 then I go straight to bed. He takes care of the baby from about 8:00PM until 2:00AM when he wakes me up so he can sleep. So, I get at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. He goes to bed at 2:00AM and wakes up at 8:00 so he gets 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep as well. It worked out perfectly for us. We get couple-time on weekends when nobody is working... he is a big football fan and the baby really put a kink on that but we took the baby to the stadium for an NFL game when he was only 5 weeks old just to get some happy time - everybody said - oh, your baby is going to get sick and die at the stadium. Whatever. He lived. Slept through it even. I breastfed right there on the stands (I got nursing outfit that you can't even tell the baby is nursing unless you're staring at me). Anyway, my baby grew up with all the household noise - TV blaring, dogs yapping... we figured, the baby will have to meet us halfway - he gets to grow up in "our" environment while we go pychotic trying to take care of him... even exchange.

3 - Date nights are awesome! You guys are doing that. Don't feel guilty about it! The cool thing about the church is there's a giant group of RS women that are more than willing to take care of your baby while you go have fun! Talk to your husband. A LOT. Tell him when you're feeling yucky, tell him when you're feeling happy. ASK HIM how he's feeling/doing. Tell him you love him every hour on the hour or whatever it takes to keep you thinking positive!

4 - You might not know this - but this can be niggling in the back of your mind. Don't worry about it. There are babies surviving in the remote mountains of the Philippines. You'll be fine too. But yes - you might not be able to buy as many shoes as you used to... just accept it and move on.

5 - Newsflash. It's not a given that mothers automatically love their babies when they come out. If that was true, you won't have all these babies in dumpsters. So, if you're not feeling it, don't force it. You don't have to love your baby now. It's okay. But, you are the mother, so you have to do your best to take care of the baby... you don't have to love the baby to do that. Once you are more relaxed about things and your body is not going hormonal anymore, then that alien of a baby is guaranteed to grow on ya and become the loving little angels that they are. And then you may not realize it but your heart is wrapped around her tiny little pinky.

Okay, physical tips:

1.) PRAY A LOT.

2.) Balanced diet - very important. LOTS OF HYDRATION. If you like coconut water. Stack up on it by the case! Supplement with Zinc and Omega-3 - avocado is great! This can act as anti-depressant.

3.) Sing! Yep! Karaoke even! I found that when I get in my "meltdown" moments, singing, "If you chance to meet a frown..." at the top of my lungs help. Even if I'm just yelling it out mad-like. I sing to the baby a lot. Baby is crying, I'm singing... It makes us both feel better.

4.) Exercise. Yep! Strap that baby to a bjorn or a jogging stroller and walk, walk, walk in bright sunshine... I noticed that when I walk for hours I don't get depressed.

5.) Find a bff you can call at all times of the day or night. Oh, never mind. You got LDS.NET! So, vent, vent, vent, vent, and vent some more!

And... finally... don't take any of our words seriously. I'm no doctor. LOL. But, talk to your husband and your doctor about what we say over here and see if there's any nugget you can use.

WE LOVE YOU!

okay... let me go through the posts to see if I can find a picture of that cute little girl...

Edited November 14, 2011 by anatess

[Guest]

Bini hasn't posted since she started this thread. Does anyone have contact with her elsewhere to see that she's ok?

[applepansy]

Bini hasn't posted since she started this thread. Does anyone have contact with her elsewhere to see that she's ok?

I was thinking the same thing.

[Bini]

Thank you for the words of comfort. They were needed.

Things have settled down. I don't feel like jumping off the edge of a cliff anymore, or annonymously dropping off my child at the hospital. I think there were a lot of variables, apart from the PPD, that made me an absolute nutter. For one thing, I have always worked and that's because I love what I do, not because I have to. Before baby was born, hubby and I had decided that I would be a stay at home mum — I was sooo excited! But then it happened. It was such a huge transition from my long work shifts and being on my feet all day, to suddenly being homebound and having baby glued to the hip. I'm not sure if things have got easier because baby is now over two months old, or if the medication has finally kicked into my system, or maybe both! Either way, I wanted to report back and just say that I'm doing okay. I'm actually starting to enjoy the time spent one on one with my baby! She's smiling and giggling now <3

[Guest]

I'm so glad to hear from you and hear that things are going better!

[sister_in_faith]

Me too... I've been praying for you!

[Guest]

BINI!!!! You're back!!!

Whew! I was super worried for you girlfriend! I'm glad you're okay now... PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, that is, if you and your hubby are comfortable with sharing your baby pics to random interneters.

By the way... did you ever get that silhouette photo done of your belly bump?

[Bini]

Anatess, never did get professional maternity photos done but DH took a bunch of me when I was about to pop and I just love 'em!

OK. Here's a photo of baby at 2 months. She has the bluest eyes! We were very surprised since DH is Caucasian and I'm Filipino. We were almost certain that my genes would thwarp his, haha. Maybe they will later down the road.

[Jennarator]

Anatess, never did get professional maternity photos done but DH took a bunch of me when I was about to pop and I just love 'em!

OK. Here's a photo of baby at 2 months. She has the bluest eyes! We were very surprised since DH is Caucasian and I'm Filipino. We were almost certain that my genes would thwarp his, haha. Maybe they will later down the road.

So darn cute!!

[Guest]

Anatess, never did get professional maternity photos done but DH took a bunch of me when I was about to pop and I just love 'em!

OK. Here's a photo of baby at 2 months. She has the bluest eyes! We were very surprised since DH is Caucasian and I'm Filipino. We were almost certain that my genes would thwarp his, haha. Maybe they will later down the road.

OOOOOOOOHHHHHH SOOOOOO CUUUTTEEE!!!! How can you not go completely gaga over a face like that?

Do you have some caucasian blood in your lineage? I'm married to a blue-eyed blonde too and my kids were born with dark blue eyes. They both turned the regular Filipino brownish black between 3 and 6 months old. I don't have a drop of caucasian in my lineage. My cousin is also married to a caucasian but he has some caucasian in his great-great grandparents bloodline. His son has blue eyes, light brown hair, with the filipino dark skin. Really crazily handsome.

So hey, let us know if there's anything you need!