She's mad and i don't care

[Guest]

You're comparing this guy who has turned his heart away from his wife to Jesus? You're comparing the pain of sharing a family with a good woman to the pain of suffering the sins of the world?

We disagree. I'm leaving it there.

[log2]

You're comparing this guy who has turned his heart away from his wife to Jesus? You're comparing the pain of sharing a family with a good woman to the pain of suffering the sins of the world?

We disagree. I'm leaving it there.

You're perfectly free to disagree. I'm comparing pain to pain. "Liken the scriptures," and all that.

From what I gather, he has not turned his heart away from his wife - his heart was never turned towards his wife to begin with.

I believe our shared goal should be to help him overcome his personal trial with honor in sustaining and obeying the ordinances and covenants. It is unhelpful and unfair to call him, however obliquely, a two-year-old - or were you referring to myself?

Edited May 2, 2012 by log2

[HEthePrimate]

Lastly, continue to ask God's help. Keep your relationships strong with your maker and I think you will enjoy a fruitful life. Your attitude will dictate the results, but I think the attitude needs God as a complement.

Remember, if the channel is low on water, it is not the fault of the stream, but of the source. If your marriage is rocky, decide that it is totally your fault. Honestly.

If you accept 100 per cent of the responsibility and pray and work diligently to make things better, they will be better. Honest effort is always rewarded.

Three days before I was married, I took a Catholic priest to dinner and asked him for some words of advice on how to have a good marriage. His answer was succinct.

"Give in to your wife 100 per cent of the time."

I bought it and I'll pass it on to you. It works.

I'm not comfortable with that approach. If one spouse expects respect from the other, he/she needs to be willing to show respect to them, too. Being a doormat doesn't solve anything--it just avoids dealing directly with problems that could later bloom into something worse.

It is possible to agree to disagree. Or to say, "Look, I disagree with this, but we'll do it your way this time. Another time we can do it my way." But marriage is a two-way street, and just assuming you're always wrong or at fault and your spouse is always right does not seem healthy to me.

The words "give in" are very telling--they imply discomfort or a lack of willingness, and that's not good. It could all too easily lead to resentment building up.

[Dove]

So last night my wife and I had a fight. By fight I mean that she is angry at me for what I perceive to be a silly reason and so I don't feel compelled to rush after her and tell her I'm sorry. Instead I choose to ignore the situation hoping she'll get over it. I'm not rude or belittling to her, I just choose to do other things because I figure that just because she's spoiled her night I shouldn't have to spoil mine as well. I know this is selfish and I should try and work it out with her, but I find that I just don't care anymore. For the first time in our 6 years of marriage we slept apart last night. It was a new low for us but the desire to make ammends on my part just isn't there. I've been thinking about separating a lot lately and this may be the straw the breaks the camels back. Basically I just don't know what to do and wanted somewhere to express myself.

bl8;

Actually, I admire you for walking away from a fight. If your wife was trying to pick one with you, I believe you did the right thing...Her night and how it works out for her is up to, guess who? Her.....

I wonder what the underlying reasons for you wanting to leave her truly are..I am questioning what they are. You said in your other post that she was loving and a "good wife and mother." Yet, you also say that you don't respect her and, by the way you're presenting the "fight" you had with her, it sounds like she is picking over something trivial....

So, may I ask, what's up? Is there more going on then what you've alluded to? Is she truly loving and good, as you've said? Or is it otherwise, if only somewhat?

Regardless, maybe before you cancel this marriage, counseling as to how to make the wisest decision may be in order....

I apologize for my harshness in your last topic. If your wife is really "loving and good" I'm all for you working on your marriage. But, if there are other things going on that you haven't come forward about on this public forum, maybe counseling is needed to sort those things through.

The best

Dove

[rameumptom]

My advice is that you need to quit torturing your poor wife and leave her already. In the past thread and this one, you've seemed to justify yourself and your desire to leave, even though the reasons seem faulty and marriage is worth fixing.

So, stop tormenting the poor woman. Go on your way. This will cause her pain for a while, but she'll heal, find a good man who will treat her well, and she'll be happy.

Meanwhile, you will continue to squander your life in your selfishness. Someday you'll be all alone, miserable and looking back at the relationship you could have saved, but were too selfish to fix. And you'll be wishing you could get that opportunity back, but it will be forever too late.

So, leave now and live with your selfish choices. Let her mourn and find solace, with joy coming later for her in a better relationship than she has with you.

[JudoMinja]

There was a person earlier who said "are there better men out there than my husband...definately, but would I be happier with them...no, because I chose to marry my husband", (slight paraphrasing). This seems like a defeatest attitude to me... This viewpoint seems shortsighted and ....not naive, but very closed off.

That is not a defeatist attitude. It is a committed attitude. To what worth do you hold someones word? That you are willing to leave your marriage shows that you are desiring to go back on your word. But if you truly want something better than what you currently have, then you should be striving to emulate the Lord- and the Lord is one who always keeps His word.

We aren't given the best, most wonderful, most perfect people with which to make our lives and associate. Neither are we the best, most wonderful, most perfect people in the world. We are all sinners. We are all imperfect. And in some way or another, we've all been handed the short end of the stick. But instead of casting our eyes about hoping to find something better than what we have- we take what we have and make the best of it we can. That is an attitude of optimism, creativity, ingenuity, patience, longsuffering, hope, and faith.

Believing that it is impossible for your marriage to become any better than it is, simply because you made a wrong choice at the beginning... THAT is a defeatist attitude. It holds no hope. No faith. No wiggle room for improvement. And it frees you from responsibility and the need to work on what you have. Arranged marriages- to take one of your examples- CAN and DO work, when those marriages are between two good people who are COMMITTED to MAKING the best of what they have.

Spencer W. Kimball said: "[W]hile every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

Are you willing to pay the price? Until you can answer "Yes", this is the last of the advice I will be offering you about your marriage. Good luck.

[Guest]

I understand that people are trying to help and offer pertinent advice, however, over and again there are comments like "what do people want out of their marriages? Sugar and spice and everything nice handed to them in a silver platter while they put up their feet and bask in their greatness or something", (not to point you out specifically). Any normal well adjusted individual knows that marriage isn't easy, it isn't always perfect, there are rough times, and those rough times can be worked through. But there seems to be the common idea out there that anybody who is considering divorce or separation clearly has too high of expectations regarding marriage. There was a person earlier who said "are there better men out there than my husband...definately, but would I be happier with them...no, because I chose to marry my husband", (slight paraphrasing). This seems like a defeatest attitude to me. Yes, people are ultimately responsible for their own happiness but there is no denying that others influence your happiness and that some people are conducive to you feeling it more than others, otherwise we would all be best friends and get along with everybody. I'm not looking for confirmation that divorce or separation is right, because I know it's a bad event, I just feel that the majority of people think that whomever you choose to marry is the right person for you, and if your not happy then you need to change so that you can be happy, regardless of who the spouse is, (dire circumstances aside...abuse, etc.) This viewpoint seems shortsighted and ....not naive, but very closed off.

Bl8, this is not defeatist attitude. THIS IS WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT. I am sorry that you did not learn this important lesson in life. And I am sorry that you refuse to learn it still today.

Yes, others influence your happiness "easier" than some. So, okay, you marry somebody you THOUGHT would make you happy. You build a family, have kids. Well, then after you got married you meet another woman who is even better. What, you're gonna leave your family and go jump ship to get this other woman? Okay, so then you marry wife #2 and THEN you meet an even better woman. Strike 2 and go for 3? Sure. Go ahead. See where that brings you.

Fact of life is bl8, marriage is just another word for the ultimate CHARITY. It's not about who can make you the most happy. It's all about who you can make happy. Your happiness stems from the joy of service appreciated. And that's really the key here. When both of you approach marriage with Charity foremost, happiness becomes a self-feeding cycle. Human imperfections become just something to service, not something to complain about. The more you service imperfections, the more perfect it becomes. Yes, it takes a lifetime of working at it. But then, that's what we're here on Earth to learn about - LOVE and CHARITY unconditional. Love God with all your heart - commandment 1. Love others like God loves you - commandment 2. That's it. That's the sum total of what mortal life is about! And your wife is your most important practice on "loving others". Because, if you can't love your wife, who can you?

Edited May 2, 2012 by beefche
unnecessary

[Backroads]

I never said that one's happiness is completely dependant upon ones spouse, I was just pointing out that our choice of spouse does have a direct influence upon our happiness, otherwise, why not do arranged marriages if seemingly it doesn't matter anyway and we can all choose to be happy regardless of differences.

Yes, our choice of spouse does have a direct influence, but you have to also stand behind that choice.

If you are truly unhappy in this marriage and you see no point in working on the marriage, it's your choice to leave.

By the way, in arranged marriages, those people make a choice to be happy in those relationships.

[Connie]

I would like to give you a few suggestions:

1. Pray. Pray that you will be filled with love toward your wife.

Moroni 7: 47-48

"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure."

2. Get The Peacegiver by James Ferrell and read it.

3. Get Falling to Heaven: The Surprising Path to Happiness by James Ferrell and read it.

Thanks.

[Over43]

Your wife ought to knock you on your duff. First for treating her like poo and then sharing it on the WWW. You should try treating her with some class. Sometimes we only get lucky once in life..

[NadiaStar]

Took me awhile to read this whole thread...

A few points:

1. I find it interesting you are seemingly asking this same question (should I leave my wife?) over and over. It's like your looking for a certain response (and not getting it). Just how do you want us to answer?

2. If the marriage is bad, consider fixing it. If you don't want to fix it, you might as well get out and save the both of you a lot of trouble. Don't be shuffling your feet if you have no intention to work at this marriage. You seem to want to be out of this marriage without being the bad guy. That might not happen.

3. Fights happen. It's part of marriage. True, you might not always care to resolve it. You might be feeling upset, apathetic, tired, etc. All feelings fine in and of themselves. But the real question here is if you want to stay in this marriage. If you want to stay in the marriage, you find a way to make up regardless of feelings.

4. Figure out what you want here. It's been a confusing thread.

5. Maybe you should focus on exactly what makes you happy. Until you are happy all by yourself, you're going to struggle being happy with any wife.

[Guest]

2. Get The Peacegiver by James Ferrell and read it.

.

YES yes yes yes yes yes yes. I can't believe I forgot about this book.

[MorningStar]

If she's mad and you don't care, why are you posting about this?

[Vort]

If she's mad and you don't care, why are you posting about this?

Because he DOESN'T CARE!

Come on, MorningStar, pay attention.

[Windseeker]

At this point I suspect the OP isn't really being completely honest in seeking advice. I see two possiblities.

1. The OP is giving voice to his darkest thoughts (which we all have at difficult times) thinking aloud, knows they are wrong, and is playing devils advocate to garner attention.

2. The OP is completely aware of how pathetic this is and has predetermined his course of action. He is just testing the waters and attempting to shore up his defenses and resolve.

Edited May 3, 2012 by beefche
unnecessary

[Vort]

So last night my wife and I had a fight. By fight I mean that she is angry at me for what I perceive to be a silly reason and so I don't feel compelled to rush after her and tell her I'm sorry. Instead I choose to ignore the situation hoping she'll get over it. I'm not rude or belittling to her, I just choose to do other things because I figure that just because she's spoiled her night I shouldn't have to spoil mine as well. I know this is selfish and I should try and work it out with her, but I find that I just don't care anymore. For the first time in our 6 years of marriage we slept apart last night. It was a new low for us but the desire to make ammends on my part just isn't there. I've been thinking about separating a lot lately and this may be the straw the breaks the camels back. Basically I just don't know what to do and wanted somewhere to express myself.

Snarky joking aside, I am sorry to hear this. Sleeping apart is a bad thing to do. I urge you to talk with your wife and agree that you will never, never, never again sleep apart if you are together (e.g. not with one of you traveling or something).

Another very good agreement to make is that you will not discuss problems after some cutoff time, say, 10:00 pm. You can pick up the discussion the next day, but after ten, discussion ceases. For some reason, this seems especially hard for many women -- but trust me, it can mean the difference between a happy marriage and misery. Women already make a lot of sacrifices, it is true, but this is another that they just have to make. It's essential. Don't fight after 10:00.

And don't withhold sex, either. That's just evil. (Otoh, if you know your spouse is stewing about something and won't want sex, keep your hands to yourself.)

[HEthePrimate]

Another very good agreement to make is that you will not discuss problems after some cutoff time, say, 10:00 pm. You can pick up the discussion the next day, but after ten, discussion ceases.

+1

Very true. Trying to work out problems late at night is usually not a good idea. Sometimes you need to just set it aside, sleep on it, and resume the discussion later. If nothing else, resting up can help you think more clearly than when you're tired, and make the discussion more productive. Plus, sometimes you just have a different perspective in the morning.

[mhsmd]

I am wondering what the insignificant thing that your wife yelled at your for actually was. I completely blew my lid at my husband once because he grated the wrong cheese and said he wasn't going to go to the trouble of grating the right cheese for the dish. The thing is, it wasn't really about the cheese. It was about his attitude about helping, which I have seen as a problem for a long time. In your other thread you said that you're not happy with your wife. I am certain that she sees that, and that she sees it in your unwillingness to serve her. That's just what happens when we become unhappy - we stop serving those that we blame for our unhappiness. I think it would be a good idea to really sit down and ask her about how why she got so angry. You may not need to apologize for that insignificant little thing, but you may need to apologize for an ongoing behavior or attitude. And maybe you'd like her to apologize as well.

[bl80920335]

It's been a a day or two since I've read these posts. To respond to a few comments: I'm not sure how sharing my problems on the web with others who share my same beliefs is showing a lack of class towards my wife. Nobody knows who she or I am. Furthermore, I have received some very good and pertinent advice here that I know I wouldn't have gotten if I had talked to my friends about it. I ended up having a talk with my wife 2 nights ago. Basically I told her that I do love her, but I don't think that I love her as much as I should. I explained that it was my fault and that is was nothing that she does or needs to work on. If we do end up separating down the road I admitted that the fault is mine. I'm not looking for a scapegoat, I can live up to my own actions and decisions. I suggested that we pray together more often and that I would try sincerely to have a more loving attitude towards her. She has asked me a time or two how much time I need and when will it change. My only answer is that if I do focus on the love I have for her positive thoughts that it will become a reality and not as much of an exercise. Just having the talk made me feel a lot better towards her and the situation. I know that bottling it up didn't do us any favors. I'm still not feeling great about the situation but it's a start anyway.

[beefche]

I've never seen the movie or read the book, but I've had many, many friends tell me that "Fireproof" is a good lesson book (told in a narrative story) on how to develop love for a spouse.

Check with your local library for a copy of the book. Here's a link to the movie. Amazon.com: Fireproof: Kirk Cameron, Jason McLeod, Erin Bethea, Ken Bevel, Stephen Dervan, Eric Young, Harris Malcolm, Phyllis Malcolm, Dwan Williams, Renata Williams, Harris Malcom, Alex Kendrick: Movies & TV

[Guest Bartholomew]

The probate lawyer administer the last testament and will written by a client. That is the start form court, The court has your all document submitted to their.

Probate Lawyer

[ALLBEEF]

Don't give up that easy......men don't just quit because a girl is fussing at them....lol

[Sunshine40]

I hope to be helpful here. You said you told your wife that you love her. You said that you just do not feel that you love her enough.

I have been in your shoes. I have literally not been in love with my spouse. (or at least thought so).I would sit at church wondering whether or not I should leave him. I thought all about what it would do do my children, and the financial devestation that we would undergo. And I also KNEW there was NO WAY I would want to be with him forever.. the thought was PURE torture. To me, suicide was my only option.

The best advice I can give you is what I did, and what has helped me through a healing process.

You need to love God more.

I knew I did not love my husband...or in reflection..I knew I did not love the way he treated me until my love was dead. But I did know I loved God. I knew that Heavenly Father wanted me to stay married. I knew despite my husband's shortcomings, he was a good man.

So over the past two years I learned how to love my husband. That does not mean I like certain behaviors, but I know now that I do love him.

At first it was like loving a pet. It grew gradually as I allowed myself to see the things in him that I was grateful for. And he is a difficult man to love sometimes. So it takes TIME, and it will take YOUR effort to look for, and acknowledge all the good in your wife.

The key though, is loving God more. If you love God more than you love your wife, that is a good enough reason to decide to learn to love her better. Because that is what Heavenly Father wants you to do. You also need to love God more than you love yourself. You openly admit that you are a selfish person. Loving God more than yourself is the first step to overcome this shortcoming.

I first read your posts in the forums because I still need to be reminded that my marraige is worth it. Just last Sunday my husband and I had an argument at church. He went and talked to a friend. (whom I am so grateful for, becuase he always says what I say to my spouse, but my husband will take it from him) And I had no one to go to to just tell me NOT to get divorced. So today I found this forum, and read your posts.

There are many people here who would be your friend..and are telling you not to get divorced. They are trying to give you tips on how to be happy with your spouse and they are valid.

But I think you need to take the first step and love God more.

[Misshalfway]

It's been a a day or two since I've read these posts. To respond to a few comments: I'm not sure how sharing my problems on the web with others who share my same beliefs is showing a lack of class towards my wife. Nobody knows who she or I am. Furthermore, I have received some very good and pertinent advice here that I know I wouldn't have gotten if I had talked to my friends about it. I ended up having a talk with my wife 2 nights ago. Basically I told her that I do love her, but I don't think that I love her as much as I should. I explained that it was my fault and that is was nothing that she does or needs to work on. If we do end up separating down the road I admitted that the fault is mine. I'm not looking for a scapegoat, I can live up to my own actions and decisions. I suggested that we pray together more often and that I would try sincerely to have a more loving attitude towards her. She has asked me a time or two how much time I need and when will it change. My only answer is that if I do focus on the love I have for her positive thoughts that it will become a reality and not as much of an exercise. Just having the talk made me feel a lot better towards her and the situation. I know that bottling it up didn't do us any favors. I'm still not feeling great about the situation but it's a start anyway.

Just got through reading this thread. I didn't take the time to read the previous thread that has been referenced, but I'm guessing that there are some similar themes. I don't know if I can offer anything helpful but I'll offer my thoughts which you can take or leave.

I think this post illustrates a simple truth. Honesty and personal responsibility bring peace. Perfectionism doesn't. Blame doesn't. Controlling doesn't. Avoidance doesn't. Punishment certainly doesn't. I'm speaking in emotional terms primarily....relational principles that lots of us who entered marriage didn't really understand at first. And that some maybe never will.

What I mean is that emotional honesty is crucial to the understanding self, first and foremost. And then, in understanding our partners and how they really feel and what they really need underneath all their defenses. And that means we have to listen.

If we don't talk in emotionally honest terms with each other, and we spend time in blame patterns, placating, avoidance, or contemptuous rants around the kitchen or the internet, it makes it really hard to know what is really going on between people. We think its about sex, money, and that darn tone she gets......and then we use defensive tactics because we've convinced ourselves they will force the outcomes we want/need and because we think they keep us safe. Which is why we do them. They actually work to some degree. But, as with most indirect/defense based methods, they really hurt people and drive destructive patterns that result in disconnection, pain, and inclinations to exit the relationship. Sound familiar?

Are you in pain? No doubt. Are you justified in your feelings? Maybe. Is your wife justified in her discontent. Maybe. But I'm not really interested in that.

If you can figure out 1) what is going on inside of you, in terms of emotions and needs ( and I mean more than just identifying yourself as "selfish"), 2) what is happening at a fundamental level in your wife's emotional experiencing and her unmet needs underneath all her defenses (in other words hear what she is really saying about feelings and needs), and then 3) how both of you fail to hear and respond to each others needs, I really think you'll be onto something powerful that can change the trajectory of your marriage.

Really satisfying marriages are often built instead of won. You get what I mean? And more often than not, really satisfying marriages are reborn out of the crucible of painful circumstance.

Consider that before you decide things are unfair and before you call it quits.

Best wishes.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Misshalfway]

Don't give up that easy......men don't just quit because a girl is fussing at them....lol

Just for the record....sometimes it's the guy fussing at the girl.

Fussiness is an equal opportunity sport.