unconsummated marriage

[leadkindlylight]

Hi, I'm new here. Without being too explicit, I've been married a year now but have never consummated our marriage. We were married in the temple, and I love my husband more than life itself. He is my best friend. However, for whatever reason, the thought of having sex causes a great deal of anxiety in him. He loves cuddling and kissing but anything else, especially anything involving nudity on his or my part, causes panic attacks. He also struggles with depression and is seeing a therapist for that. He's willing to work on these issues and hopefully some day get to a point where we can be intimate without him feeling anxious.

To predict some questions:

No, he's not gay. He is attracted to women, not men. He says he's never found the thought of sex appealing nor had fantasies or even wishes at any point, and recently (before we were married) concluded that he might be asexual. I knew and accepted this before we were married because we discussed still having an intimate relationship. Before our marriage night, we had no idea he would have a panic attack at any sort of increased intimacy. Before getting married we would make out. After getting married, we had more intimacy without sex. Now it's gotten to the point where he feels so much pressure that even extended kissing makes him uncomfortable.

He's had many struggles. The night he finally told me many of them, I prayed to know whether I should continue dating him. The answer I got was that these problems would only be temporary, but that our marriage would be forever. I believe at some point he may be ready to really address these concerns, but recently his depression has gotten worse (partly because of his guilt around this and how it's upset me). But I just don't know what to do until then. He's broken down on several occasions crying and told me that I should just divorce him and find someone who can be a true husband to me. But I don't want that. I want to be with him. I just don't know how to keep going some days. I wish I could just have that intimate touch with him and feel truly united as a couple. Our bishop knows but seems at a loss for what to advise us to do. Some days are great and fine, and then some days are like this, where I'm up long after he's gone to sleep, crying at the situation.

Advice? Support? I've been searching for somewhere to at least process these emotions and have come up short. I've looked at other forums for support but they all just say to divorce him because he's not fulfilling his end of the bargain. It makes me sad to see that marriage is written off so lightly as a simple contract that should be broken if either party isn't satisfied. I wanted to post here where people understand the covenants I've made in the temple to my husband and God and my desire to maintain those covenants. Not just for the sake of not being that girl, but because I truly want to be with my husband for now and all eternity.

Thanks.

[skippy740]

I wouldn't make any decisions until he has seen the therapist and/or a psyciatrist.

[leadkindlylight]

He sees a therapist and has regularly for about a year now- although we moved for school so he had to switch this fall to a new one, and we're looking for a different one actually, and are considering LDS family services. He also sees a psychiatrist and is on antidepressants.

[Guest SquidMom]

I have no idea about your husband's aversion to sex. However, I have heard about sex councelors before. I know it sounds odd, but his problem must not be too rare if there are bona fide professionals out there that deal with exactly this. From what I understand, what they do is try to uncover underlying issues and lead the person through 'baby steps' in intimacy. The focus is not on marriage or whatever, so he would still need to see his other therapists, of course.

Just something to consider.....

[carlimac]

Has he had a full physical work-up with an MD? Maybe he has low testosterone or diabetes or some other physical condition (that he obviously isn't aware of) that's affecting how he feels about sex and his ability to perform, too. Maybe he needs to switch therapists if he's not getting better. It sounds to me like he's under-treated at this point. If it's been a whole year and he's not any better, it's possibly time to switch things up a bit.

Another really importatant thing to consider is that many anti-depressants are inhibiting in the sex department. I have a friend who told me her husband has to go off his medication and deal with OCD for awhile every time they want to have a baby. Then when he's back on his meds, it's a nearly sexless marriage.

Good luck with this. It sounds very difficult. Don't give up!

[Vort]

If he never thought about sex or fantasized about married life growing up, I doubt his problem is with meds. Honestly, I have no advice or insights. Best of luck to you.

[Guest SquidMom]

LKL- Google genophobia. Lots of information there.

Good luck to you both. Don't give up!

[RMGuy]

And They Were not Ashamed might be a good book for you to pick up and read together.

-RM

[beefche]

There used to be a member of this site who waited for 10 years to have sex with his wife. She had a medical issue that was undiagnosed. But, I imagine some of the frustrations and doubts were the same.

Do an advanced search on here for posts by mormonmusic.

[MrShorty]

I've looked at other forums for support but they all just say to divorce him because he's not fulfilling his end of the bargain. It makes me sad to see that marriage is written off so lightly as a simple contract that should be broken if either party isn't satisfied. I wanted to post here where people understand the covenants I've made in the temple to my husband and God and my desire to maintain those covenants.

I agree that it is a shame that so many write marriage off at the slightest sign of difficulty or disagreement.

In addition to the other suggestions, I would add another one. Have you talked to his therapist at all? I don't fully understand how these things would work, but I would think that, in addition to his indivicual counseling, couples counseling for the two of you (maybe even leading up to sex therapy as someone else mentioned) could be valuable. You are facing a situation that has the potential to really hurt your marriage, and it could be a difficult road ahead. Someone who can teach you and help you develop some real couple's skill in dealing with some of the specific challenges you will face would seem like a useful thing.

[annewandering]

I dont know what the problem is but it looks a lot more like someone messing up in his growing up making him think sex is just bad on a very deep emotional level. Its not at all uncommon with people who have been abused in some way relating to sex or self worthiness in the childhood.

Couple therapy along with individual therapy would be very useful. For both of you. I mean both should have individual therapy. You need to learn how to deal with this in a constructive way, which having your own therapist would help you with.

Dont give up. Even if he NEVER overcame this in this life it is still a short term thing. Eternity is a lot longer and is worth working for with the person you love.

[Backroads]

My brother and SiL went a couple of years. It sounds like a lot of advice has been given...

I also recommend going through any counseling/therapy/doctor's visits TOGETHER.

[mdfxdb]

" It makes me sad to see that marriage is written off so lightly as a simple contract that should be broken if either party isn't satisfied. I wanted to post here where people understand the covenants I've made in the temple to my husband and God and my desire to maintain those covenants"

Keep in mind that a covenant is a contract. Both parties have to live up to their parts. I believe as has been previously advised that he needs more help.

If you are willing to put up with the lack of sex in your marriage then you are a better person than I. However, you do need to come to a conclusion as to what this will mean for you as an individual. Children, intimacy, sexual connection are all things that are powerful, meaningful, and life changing. Are you willing to give that up? How much longer will you wait?

[bluedreams]

Huh, that sounds like what I was reading about sexual aversion disorder.

My only recommendation is shop around for a therapist who specializes in sexual issues as well. Depression sounds more like a co-occuring problem (as in it's not directly linked to the panic attacks with sexual contact) to the sexual issues.

With luv,

Bd

[Misshalfway]

Add a +1 to shopping for a therapist that specializes in sexual issues. LDS Family just doesn't have the chops. Sure sounds like he has multiple issues going on here. Just one question, has he been evaluated by a medical doctor. Just wondering if there is a testosterone issue at play here too.

Now...about you, my dear. What a difficult trial for you! I can only imagine how you feel in these down times when things don't make sense and your needs aren't able to be met. One thing sounds sure...you are one strong lady! And I don't mean the strength that allows you to white knuckle. I mean the kind that can go the distance with your husband in compassion and with great commitment and eternal vision. I think your dismissal of "leave him for not fulfilling the bargain" says volumes and your husband is a lucky man. What is love if it can't survive hard times? What's that Shakespeare poem....?

Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

You remind me of that.

I'm also thinking of a passage from the BOM. Mosiah 24:12- 15:

12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their ahearts to him; and he did know the bthoughts of their hearts.

13 And it acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

14 And I will also ease the aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their cafflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did astrengthen them that they could bear up their bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

I know this trial is hard. And really unfair for both of you. And it's probably going to take time. But trust in the Lord and let him strengthen you. And remember that you CAN connect with your husband on emotional levels that will bond you with or without intercourse. When couples struggle together, it really brings you closer in much broader ways than intercourse can ever promise.

My prayers go to you and your sweet husband. I hope he can find his way through all the pain he carries and I hope you find the strength to go the distance so you can learn the lessons and be refined as the Lord would wish.

[jayanna]

Why get a divorce? If you are both happy with each other otherwise, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. Eternity is a long time, and he can be healed of this one way or another. There are some couples with the polar opposite...lots of physical intimacy and zero true friend intimacy. It is just as unsatisfying I would think.

As for encouraging intimacy in the physical sense, I would like to suggest dancing. Just dancing on the kitchen floor in your socks. Some nice music, no pressure to kiss, just hold hands and sway.

Physical touch is very important to me, so I can understand a lack of happiness because of it.

Also, do you have a pet? It sounds strange, pet if you can pet a cat, you can hold hands, ya know?

Therapy is a very very good idea. Find a good one and let them do their job. The more pressure you put on this, the worse it will get.

You are very patient, some spouses would have done something wildly dramatic by now. Good for you.

[leadkindlylight]

Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions and comments. I read the initial comment in email and didn't realize I wouldn't get follow up emails for follow up comments and had been disappointed no one had responded. It was a delightful surprise to find all these encouraging words. I will definitely follow up with them. It is so helpful to hear encouragement instead of negativity.

It is hard finding a therapist, especially in our smaller town, who specializes in sexual aversion in men- it's much more common in women since there's often a pain aspect to it or more shaming around it in childhood, stuff like that. We will continue looking and praying and seeking help. Thank you all again.

[All_Apologies]

Wow. That sounds REALLY hard. It hurts to think about. Sending up a prayer for you.

[bradd]

When your natural process is that deterred, I would be concerned. Very concerned. Good luck.

[georgia2]

Errrr. Sex IS marriage. Two becoming one flesh.

Our stake pres said that sex is the sacrament of marriage and needs to be regular. It is the glue that binds. There are chemicals that are released in our bodies during sex that actually cause a binding emotion. This is one danger in premarital sex.

If he can't have sex is he satisfying you in other ways? If its been a year you are a better woman than me! See what counseling does, sex counseling I guess should be part of it. But if things don't progress you have some decisions to make.