what next? discovered husband viewing pornography

[fourkidsandahouse]

My husband is a night owl, and he frequently stays up later than me as this is the only time is has to himself in our busy schedule with work and 4 kids. I've never suspected anything and he is a good dad and husband. This morning (after he was up late) i came down stairs and found the shades down (we normally don't mess with them) and the headphones hooked up to the computer. My family are hard sleepers and normally he surfs the net next to me in bed while i sleep, so i thought it odd. i turned the computer on and checked the history and it was blank... so naturally i dropped the search bar down and low and behold he had been viewing pornography. i asked him about it this right after i found it, and he lied at first, tried to blame it on me, then realized he was caught. He didn't say much,, so i asked,, he said he doesn't do it very much,, hardly ever,, (which i think i believe) and then just kept asking me what i wanted him to say.... i said i only wanted to hear the one thing he didn't say,, so he said he would never do it again....

my husband is in the army and has deployed twice for a year. I know he has mb while we were apart, in fact he mentioned it, but said he was thinking of me, and he missed me... i didn't think it was a big deal since he never does when he is home (that i know of) but after catching him this morning i'm wondering how much pornography came into play when we were apart..?

I don't know what to do? i don't know how big of a deal this is? we haven't spoken about it because i always put my foot in my mouth and come out sounding judgmental and i don't want to begin a conversation before i know where i think it should go...

is mb wrong in all situations?

i needed to be set apart in church today and he followed me,,, i asked him if he felt worthy to help,, he said yes,, i paused and asked him if that was right,,,, he took the kids to the car,,,,

i know that it is his thing to deal with, however he chooses, but what does this mean? does looking at pornography mean you are not temple worthy right away? should he not use his priesthood power? i don't think he is addicted at all....

i asked him why and he said that he was a sexual being and sometimes it got the better of him... there just didn't seem to be any remorse, just obligatory responses....

aside from not knowing what to do, or what questions to ask, i'm not even scratching the surface of how it makes me feel.... i'm trying to separate that from the situation...

[MorningStar]

My husband was in the military and when he went to work, the guys were watching porn on the scrambled cable stations, they left porn laying around, the conversations were lewd, etc. It was awful for him. Other guys in our ward talked about being able to hear guys watching porn when they were deployed. I will never encourage my sons to join the military because of the atmosphere. It's one thing to work with guys who do this, but another to be put in a position to have to live with them 24/7 when they are deployed.

So first your husband denied it. That was a lie.

Then he knew he was caught, so the next best thing was to downplay it.

Third, he's not treating it like it's a big deal, so this says to me that he's desensitized to it, so he is doing it frequently.

Lying and this addiction go hand in hand.

I would say, "If you're a sexual being, then come to bed with me!"

[Dravin]

Lying and this addiction go hand in hand.

So do lying and being caught doing something those around you think you shouldn't while not being addicted at all. He may be addicted, he may not. The truth is in the pudding so to speak, if he can stop. Or perhaps more accurately how easily he can stop, even addicts can stop.

I would say, "If you're a sexual being, then come to bed with me!"

Pornography never says no, he never has to worry about satisfying it either physically or emotionally, and unless you have a transporter and portable hotel room (and no other obligations) you're not as everywhere as pornography. He needs to learn to control his impulses, if you turn it into a sexual gratification competition with pornography you're kinda outgunned. It's like an apple competing with a bottle of high fructose corn syrup on sweetness. Edited November 12, 2012 by Dravin

[Bini]

My husband was in the military and when he went to work, the guys were watching porn on the scrambled cable stations, they left porn laying around, the conversations were lewd, etc. It was awful for him. Other guys in our ward talked about being able to hear guys watching porn when they were deployed. I will never encourage my sons to join the military because of the atmosphere. It's one thing to work with guys who do this, but another to be put in a position to have to live with them 24/7 when they are deployed.

A lot of that, in general, is true. My bestfriend was in the Marine Corps for four years, and she relayed to me some nasty stories that go on in there. The ones that were truly sickening were those in Thailand. Unfortunately, that's a part of the world where a woman (or man) in poverty will do anything to make a living and survive. Sometimes, outsiders take advantage of that.

OP, I have a brother-in-law that has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know if he engages in pornography but in a course over about a year, he had three live-in girlfriends and was sexually active with them. Five months ago he married a wonderful lady, active endowed LDS that he met via an online dating site, and she has three young daughters. I was shocked to learn through Facebook that my BIL has been giving them blessings as a priesthood holder, and apparently has some kind of calling in their ward. In my opinion, viewing pornography is just as sinful as premarital relations or infidelity. And again, in my opinion, if premarital relations and infidelity are causes to lose your priesthood or temple recommend, I would think that viewing pornography would too. That's MY opinion. I'm sure someone around here will know.

[livy111us]

Repentance is the first step, but he must have "Godly sorrow" before that can happen. Is he going to stop because he was caught, or does he truly feel sorrow for his sins?

Brent Top wrote

"True repentance that leads to confession is, as Paul said, born of a “godly sorrow” (see 2 Corinthians 7:9–10). Godly sorrow is the indicator of true faith in Christ and the only genuine motivation for bringing forth “fruit meet for repentance” (Alma 12:15). The Book of Mormon describes the attitude of “godly sorrow” as “a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (2 Nephi 2:7; see also 3 Nephi 9:19–20; 3 Nephi 12:19; Ether 4:15; Moroni 6:2). Both terms can be used interchangeably in describing the concept of God’s sorrow—feeling the sorrow for our sins that God would have us feel in order to bring about our repentance and submission to His will.

Godly sorrow—the broken heart and contrite spirit—is much more than remorse or regret over having sinned. Mormon observed anguish in his own people and described it as “the sorrowing of the damned” (Mormon 2:12–14). It was a sorrow born of sins and circumstances that did not produce “faith unto repentance.” Many may be remorseful for past actions and regret the consequences that have befallen them but do nothing to change, to come unto Christ and partake of His mercy and to comply with the requirements of the gospel. A “broken heart and contrite spirit” is an attitude that always leads to a commitment to change. Alma spoke of this kind of motivational sorrow for sin when he declared to Corianton, “Let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance” (Alma 42:29). “The sorrow that is acceptable in the sight of God, is that which leads to true repentance, or reformation of conduct,” wrote Elder Orson Pratt. “This kind of sorrow will lead us to obey every commandment of God; it will make us humble and childlike in our dispositions; it will impart unto us meekness and lowliness of mind; it will cause our hearts to be broken and our spirits to be contrite; it will cause us to watch, with great carefulness, every word, thought, and deed; it will call up our past dealings with mankind, and we will feel most anxious to make restitution to all whom we may have, in any way, injured . . . these and many other good things are the results of a Godly sorrow for sin. This is repentance not in word, but in deed: this is the sorrow with which the heavens are pleased.”[4]

When the Book of Mormon describes a “broken heart and contrite spirit” it implies considerably more than just a repentant attitude. We gain a better understanding of the relationship of a “broken heart and contrite spirit” to confession and repentance by examining Book of Mormon statements concerning two important elements of godly sorrow."

Be supportive of him and help him along as he kicks this ugly habit and returns to the arms of a loving Heavenly Father.

[MorningStar]

So do lying and being caught doing something those around you think you shouldn't while not being addicted at all. He may be addicted, he may not. The truth is in the pudding so to speak, if he can stop. Or perhaps more accurately how easily he can stop, even addicts can stop.

Pornography never says no, he never has to worry about satisfying it either physically or emotionally, and unless you have a transporter and portable hotel room (and no other obligations) you're not as everywhere as pornography. He needs to learn to control his impulses, if you turn it into a sexual gratification competition with pornography you're kinda outgunned. It's like an apple competing with a bottle of high fructose corn syrup on sweetness.

I'm saying it's a cop-out excuse. He had no good explanation for his behavior and he even tried to pin it on her. That has addict written all over it.

[Misshalfway]

So do lying and being caught doing something those around you think you shouldn't while not being addicted at all. He may be addicted, he may not. The truth is in the pudding so to speak, if he can stop. Or perhaps more accurately how easily he can stop, even addicts can stop.

Pornography never says no, he never has to worry about satisfying it either physically or emotionally, and unless you have a transporter and portable hotel room (and no other obligations) you're not as everywhere as pornography. He needs to learn to control his impulses, if you turn it into a sexual gratification competition with pornography you're kinda outgunned. It's like an apple competing with a bottle of high fructose corn syrup on sweetness.

Dravin, Lying and pornography go hand in hand regardless of how "addicted" a person is.

We use the term "porn addiction" as a very loose term. The word itself isn't very helpful in describing human behavior and I can see why it makes people uneasy. The DSM IV doesn't use it to describe problems with substances. The truth is there is a huge spectrum of manifestations of sexual behaviors, some compulsive/some not. But we use "addiction" because we don't have a better general term to describe what's going on.

In any case, this husband is following lots of classic deceptive behaviors. If it walks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Fourkidsandahouse, I am so sorry that you are one of the many wives that has to deal with this issue. It is a growing problem, sadly.

My suggestion is that YOU talk to your Bishop. You can't control your husband, nor should you try. You need to talk to the Bishop and get his counsel about your situation.

I know this is hard and you are likely in a state of denial, but keep in mind that he didn't confess this to you, you found it. Then he tried to blame you, and then asked you what you wanted him to say. This are not signals of an honest or repentant person.

Again, I am so sorry.

[skippy740]

i needed to be set apart in church today and he followed me,,, i asked him if he felt worthy to help,, he said yes,, i paused and asked him if that was right,,,, he took the kids to the car,,,,

[...]

i asked him why and he said that he was a sexual being and sometimes it got the better of him... there just didn't seem to be any remorse, just obligatory responses....

Okay, I'm going to give some advice here:

DON'T become his mother. Don't nag him. Don't make him feel like a little boy who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

He married you, not his mother. (He married you to get away from his mother, right?) He will resist being closer to you when you treat him like a little boy.

So, what DO you do?

1. Sympathize and listen without judgment or implication. He needs to open up to you and feel relief for doing so.

2. Love HIM regardless of the sin. Yes, you don't like the sin, but right now, you need to assume that the sin is a part of him... and may be consuming him. Love him anyway.

3. Ask HIM how you can help. Now, this is a delicate area. If you offer too much help, you may be acting like his mother. How do you avoid this? Make little deals... and be prepared to do a little leg work on this.

"Honey, I care about you and I think we both agree that this is an issue. If I gather some resources, will you evaluate them with me to see how we can help us both get through this?"

I phrased this very carefully. Men like to fix problems. Men like to help the women in their lives. But men don't like to BE the problem to be fixed. If you make it a "we" thing, instead of a "let's fix you" thing, he will be much more open to it.

4. Let HIM determine when to talk to the bishop. Yes, he 'should' do it right away. But doing it right away after "being caught" feels more like going to the principal's office after being bad in class. It can feel more humiliating and more obligatory... because he's being shamed to go.

You might not think that all of these steps are necessary, but I already see the symptoms in your post. Your marriage can be in trouble if you treat him like a guilty little boy... and he'll sink further and further into this habit and in covering it up.

You must make him feel safe and that you are on HIS side - not the side that allows this, but the side that you love. That you love him MORE than you hate the sin.

Edited November 12, 2012 by skippy740

[Misshalfway]

Hi Four kids.

First of all, I'm so sorry this is happening to your family too. Know you are not alone. MANY have traveled these roads before you and many are right now.

Second, there is lots you can do. I agree that you can't control your husband. This problem, whatever is going on with him, isn't about you. You can't be perfect enough to make him stop and most likely your anger won't change things either. But there is other things you can do. Here are a few ideas:

- talk to the bishop is a good start.

- Get educated. Read books like "Confronting Pornography" by Mark Chamberlain and "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Stephen's.

- Get empowered. You can support your husband with compassion and empathy, but don't do so at the expense of your boundaries. It's ok to say "no" to this. It's ok to keep yourself safe. Your husband, regardless of what he may say, needs your boundaries. These kinds of sexual behaviors don't like limits. Your limits, the ones you set in your own self interest, will help force him out of denial.

That's the best I've got for today. Strength and good comfort to you. And it's ok to get upset and talk about what you are feeling too. It doesn't make you unforgiving or unloving. Anger is a good thing. It helps us mourn and it helps us find our power.

[georgia2]

THis is not the first time. He denied and tried to blame you? He stood in the circle the next day? He is so familiar with this that he has been able to excuse himself without feeling guilty. What to do?

People who view porn say it has nothing to do with their spouse. Thats trash! It has everything to do with their spouse as it makes them feel inferior, betrayed, vulnerable and STUPID! Porn also demeans women and turns them in to objects. This does not stop when the computer is turned off.

Other than telling him how you feel, changing the pass word so he can't get in when no one is up, and putting netnanny on call, you need to take care OF YOU ! THe only person you can save is YOU ! Don't let this destroy your spirituality or self confidence! Don't let his transgressions define your mood or actions. If you don't want to talk or be around him, then so be it and HE needs to feel bad NOT YOU! I think the deployed thing is a cop out. Sure men deployed look at and talk about it, but so do men NOT DEPLOYED ! It is a frame of mind and whether they allow satan's temptations in. If that excuse works then so should, well honey, you were deployed so I ..... well I ..... uh..... I found a substitute for YOU !! Is he going to go for that one? Do you have daughters? ASk him how he feels about HER being in that business! That being said, porn is a BIG BIG problem with everyone now! IT is so available and seductive. You can't stop him BUT YOU CAN stop if from being in your home. There are modems available that blocks it before it gets in. I've seen it advertised on BYUtv. I use netnanny but have been looking in to the other myself. I just don't want it in my home. PERIOD!!!

[Misshalfway]

Okay, I'm going to give some advice here:

DON'T become his mother. Don't nag him. Don't make him feel like a little boy who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

He married you, not his mother. (He married you to get away from his mother, right?) He will resist being closer to you when you treat him like a little boy.

So, what DO you do?

1. Sympathize and listen without judgment or implication. He needs to open up to you and feel relief for doing so.

2. Love HIM regardless of the sin. Yes, you don't like the sin, but right now, you need to assume that the sin is a part of him... and may be consuming him. Love him anyway.

3. Ask HIM how you can help. Now, this is a delicate area. If you offer too much help, you may be acting like his mother. How do you avoid this? Make little deals... and be prepared to do a little leg work on this.

"Honey, I care about you and I think we both agree that this is an issue. If I gather some resources, will you evaluate them with me to see how we can help us both get through this?"

I phrased this very carefully. Men like to fix problems. Men like to help the women in their lives. But men don't like to BE the problem to be fixed. If you make it a "we" thing, instead of a "let's fix you" thing, he will be much more open to it.

4. Let HIM determine when to talk to the bishop. Yes, he 'should' do it right away. But doing it right away after "being caught" feels more like going to the principal's office after being bad in class. It can feel more humiliating and more obligatory... because he's being shamed to go.

You might not think that all of these steps are necessary, but I already see the symptoms in your post. Your marriage can be in trouble if you treat him like a guilty little boy... and he'll sink further and further into this habit and in covering it up.

You must make him feel safe and that you are on HIS side - not the side that allows this, but the side that you love. That you love him MORE than you hate the sin.

This is GREAT stuff, Skippy. Add my +1.

[Vort]

People who view porn say it has nothing to do with their spouse. Thats trash! It has everything to do with their spouse as it makes them feel inferior, betrayed, vulnerable and STUPID!

But you are misunderstanding (intentionally or unintentionally) their words. This is not what they mean.

[skippy740]

Thank you. Let's just say that I have some experience in my own marriage. If I could make it easier for each couple who has to deal with it, I'm glad to simplify the process by avoiding some of the 'classic' mistakes - like using anger and shame as a way to motivate your spouse to change. It doesn't work... because that's more of a 'parenting' style, versus a healthy way to work together as a couple.

Also, don't leave out marriage counseling. This will help you to improve your communication between you both and clear the air of the past. I highly recommend it.

[skippy740]

But you are misunderstanding (intentionally or unintentionally) their words. This is not what they mean.

Correct!

What Georgia2 is describing is the AFFECT the sin has on the spouse. The affect is not necessarily the same as the CAUSE.

The cause/craving for sexual sin may have absolutely nothing to do with the spouse. Often the spouse feels inferior, not as attractive, etc. But the root cause of the craving for sexual sin is something else - perhaps a depression, and using the 'highs' of this sin (how it's forbidden and what if you get caught) to help self-medicate it.

[MorningStar]

But you are misunderstanding (intentionally or unintentionally) their words. This is not what they mean.

I think the point is, even though a person may not choose to look at pornography because their spouse has some kind of defect, they choose it over their spouse's feelings (repeatedly), so it does feel like it has everything to do with them. It's not especially comforting when someone says, "Don't worry. It has nothing to do with you."

[Vort]

I think the point is, even though a person may not choose to look at pornography because their spouse has some kind of defect, they choose it over their spouse's feelings (repeatedly), so it does feel like it has everything to do with them. It's not especially comforting when someone says, "Don't worry. It has nothing to do with you."

That may be georgia2's point, but it most certainly is not the point of the person who made the statement georgia2 was criticizing.

[Dravin]

But we use "addiction" because we don't have a better general term to describe what's going on.

How about: Porn use.

I think we've been warned so much about the dangers of pornography use, particularly it's potential for addiction, that as a group members of the Church just jump automatically to addiction. It may very well be the truth that one's spouse is addicted, but there is no need to borrow trouble if they aren't.

Edited November 12, 2012 by Dravin

[Dravin]

I'm saying it's a cop-out excuse. He had no good explanation for his behavior and he even tried to pin it on her. That has addict written all over it.

From an LDS perspective there is no good explanation for his behavior so that's not surprising, addict or not he will lack such. And shifting blame happens in all sorts of situations where addiction isn't involved.

He may be addicted, he might not. The information provided fits either scenario.

[georgia2]

I wasn't criticizing anyones point. I think I was typing as they were posting.

most of the time an issue like this comes up people tell the spouse it has noting to do with them. Of course this woman's husbands decision to view porn on the internet is not because she is less of a woman, not satisfying. or whatever natural insecurity pops in to her head. It is his choice, his temptation, his battle. What I was saying is that it DOES affect her. It affects her in a big way! And of course she shouldn't act like a mother, but she has every right to let him know how much it hurts. She has EVERY RIGHT to stop the trash from coming in to her home and on her computer. So if he chooses to view this stuff he'll have to be inconvenienced a bit. Of course she should be loving and supportive and help find help if he WANTS it. But she shouldn't hide how much this hurts because that's very damaging to her emotional health AND their relationship. He has to own what he has done. He has to comprehend the long lasting effects this can or will have on her and his relationship with her AND any other woman! I'm also aware that some people who view and are addicted have issues from their past. (abuse, mental illness, exploitation, lack of communication skills) It also can be used as a substitute for real, loving, open and honest relationships. Real relationships are hard work and require sacrifice. Pictures on a screen are easy.

[Vort]

Of course this woman's husbands decision to view porn on the internet is not because she is less of a woman, not satisfying. or whatever natural insecurity pops in to her head. It is his choice, his temptation, his battle. What I was saying is that it DOES affect her. It affects her in a big way!

Indeed it does. But when the husband says "This is not about you," he is not saying his pornography usage does not affect her; rather, he is saying that she is not the cause of it.

This is the same as an unfaithful person telling his/her spouse, "My adultery isn't about you." The unfaithful person is not seeking to excuse the adultery, nor is s/he claiming the adultery doesn't affect the spouse. Rather, s/he is telling the spouse, "Don't blame yourself. It's not that you were undesirable. This is not about your failings, but mine." Cold comfort, perhaps, but it should be recognized for what it is and not interpreted wrongly as some kind of statement that the evil action doesn't or shouldn't affect the spouse.

[georgia2]

Well yeah, of course. But the spouse always looks to their self to see where they were lacking so their spouse had to go else-wear. I haven't had the porn issue, but have had the other. Hard.........very very hard! and the trust is out the window. with the porn issue, she's just a click away...... very very hard!

[skippy740]

georgia2,

I agree that spouses need to communicate how it makes them feel for their spouse to be an addict (or be caught doing whatever they were doing).

I think it's in HOW spouses communicate it that needs to be addressed.

georgia2, when I read your post, I'm reading it as though it's one thought, said in one breath with anger and frustration behind it. That may or may not be your intention. (Adding some paragraph breaks will help.)

If a spouse "goes off" on the other, with a fury of anger and frustration, he will work to hide it more, because now he knows how it affects her, and she's not helping any.

He is vulnerable right now because "he's been had and caught". She has all the power to turn this towards a healthy solution... or not. Just as she asked if he should be in the circle. She has the cards... and he knows it.

The next reaction is important to do calmly and in a good style of communication. I typed this out in the 'loud laughter' thread, so I'll post it here as well.

It's all about the "I" statements:

I FEEL... This is your emotion.

WHEN YOU... This is the other person's behavior.

BECAUSE... Your reason for feeling as you do.

I WANT... This is where you ask for what you want... OR

I WOULD LIKE... Or how you would like for things to be different.

If this is followed, and is in a measured and thoughtful pace, it will make a lot more difference in their relationship, than if the spouse "lets it all loose". It needs to be well thought and crafted to ensure proper communication.

The harder part will be in listening and responding.

Right now, he is remorseful - simply because he is ashamed of being caught. Is it deeper than that? We hope so, but we don't know. If he's willing to work on this, the marriage can be saved. If he's not willing... there are harder choices to make.

[georgia2]

for sure. There isn't any need for yelling or anger. Hurt is more the issue and if he listens and is remorseful and compassionate, she won't need to start yelling and screaming. But, if on the other hand, he doesn't respond like she needs, then that's when the anger comes out. And I don't think when someone feels shamed and "caught" they have too much compassion for the spouse. The less you talk about it the better the offending spouse likes it. (been my experience anyway) Then they get angry because they don't want to admit and discuss how much it hurt the other person. That's when the yelling starts!

[RMGuy]

It is stories like this that sometimes make me wonder if we haven't become a bit obsessed with pornography in the church, and that that focus is causing some harm that a otherwise might not exist.

Please recognize that I am NOT a supporter of this behavior. However, I know of many individuals couples even in some cases that use pornography. It has not become an obsession or an addiction for them and they are productive and happy people in life. I know of a few couples where if this scenario played out the wife would have shrugged it off as a normal part of life.

Again, I

M not seeking to excuse this behavior, but when we focus on this to such large measure I wonder if sometimes it doesn't lead to a spouse thinking things are worse than they are and actually leading to splitting up families. I know there area cases of real porn addiction , but I think they're much rarer than we in the church Amake them out to be. This sounds like a good husband and father by the OPs own statement.

I recognize theaimportance of virtue and chastity....just not sure that the way we are going about this as a church is the best approach.

-rm