what next? discovered husband viewing pornography

[Finrock]

Good afternoon fourkidsandahouse! It is a pleasure to meet you. I hope you've had a good day today. :)

I want to preface my post by saying that my post will be mostly directed at you and advice for you. If your husband were here, I would give him different advice. I only mention this because I want it to be clear that I believe your husband has committed a very serious sin and ultimately the responbility is upon him to make the hard choices needed to change. However, you can help and so my post is focused on what you can do.

I definitely don't want the "power". I thought i was marrying the (priesthood) power, and i'm shaken at knowing that my response to this will make such a big difference in our marriage. I "fell asleep" on the couch last night, and he went upstairs... I'm thinking about writing a letter, because i don't think i could confidently hold a conversation that was supportive as i'm still so disgusted by the whole thing, but i feel like the longer this goes on the harder it will be, the further apart we will be when we talk. I guess part of me is waiting/hoping for him to be the man i thought he was and step up to the situation. My mind shifts from wanting to help, to nausea, to pain, to thinking of an easy way out and pretending it didn't happen... i just wish it was any other sin...

Man is weak. He falters. He fails. He falls. But, man can change! Please, take a moment and read this talk from President Monson and try to apply the principles to your situation and to your husband: See Others as They May Become.

i'll forever and the rest of my life wonder if he is picturing or thinking about those things every time we are together, and a woman that doesn't feel wanted can't fake intimacy.. a buzz from an alchohol offense would leave the system, but the pictures stay forever.... the feelings stay forever...

Don't give up hope, yet, that there cannot be complete healing and change! Your husband can be healed and SO CAN YOU! The atonement covers your suffering and trials in this situation as well and I encourage you to apply the atonement to your life as well at this time. Your doubts and your mistrust can be purged from you through the atonement.

I realize that it is a natural tendency for you to wonder if he did all of this because you aren't good enough, sexy enough, or whatever enough. I realize that it is a natural tendency for you to question if he is thinking of porn when you two are together intimately. But, your natural inclination in this situation just might be wrong. In fact, if it was righteous, I would bet you money that likely neither of the conditions you are concerned about are actually true. However, be that as it may, I know it doesn't make it any easier. Trust has been broken and that is a devastating thing to get over. But, it is important for you to realize that regardless of how your husband might act or what he might say, he is in actuality hurting. If the spirit manifested wounds like our physical bodies, he would be bloodied and bruised all over. Please don't kick him while he is down, as hurt as you might feel. He needs your mercy, your love, and he may not even know it. He may not even recognize that he needs and wants those things because his sins may be blinding him to truth and reality. But, you can make a difference for the better in how you treat him. As much as possible, please continue to support him in his capacity as a priesthood holder and as patriach of the home. These are hard things to do, but you can make a big difference for the good in what you do, say, and how you react.

More than anything, I simply want to tell you that there is hope. There is healing for your husband and for you!

Respectfully,

Finrock

[Vort]

This is very good, but I'm curious: does the other spouse have any responsibilities at this point? This still puts all communication responsibilities on one spouse who now has to be in charge of how s/he expresses feelings while the other spouse has no such responsibility.

I don't believe skippy is talking about the responsibility to communicate. Rather, I think he is restating the age-old truism to talk about YOUR OWN problems rather than focus on his.

Yes, his porn viewing is a big problem. But complaining at him about it and telling what a sack of excrement he is won't help anything. By focusing on yourself ("I feel..."), you are admitting that the hurt feelings are yours.

To use pop psychology talk (which, incidentally, I kinda hate), you are "owning" your feelings rather than saying, "YOU are MAKING me feel this way!" It is more empowering (there's that stupid pop-psych talk again) for the wife, less threatening (pop psych...) to the husband, and more likely to get a useful result in the long term.

[RMGuy]

Sorry, but I was typing at the time time you were.

Let's compare this to a person who drinks alcohol. Is having a drink or two the same as being an alcoholic (one who cannot control himself)?

It depends. Again, I think it's a cultural response. If an LDS spouse saw their spouse with alcohol in the house... wouldn't they overreact too? Think of how many Word of Wisdom threads we've had about cooking with alcohol. Heaven help those families if they had cooking wine in the cupboard.

Thanks skippy this was my point earlier. We are quick to condemn pornography, but many times in our condemnation of the material, we do not react well to the individual. We have a few artistic nude paintings and sculptures in our home....some might view it as porn. We view it as art. If it bothered my spouse or vice-versa they would be removed. But we both enjoy them from an artistic merit standpoint. Same thing with the alcohol analogy you mention. Does one drink an alcoholic make? Maybe. Does cooking with alcohol violate the wow? Maybe. The church takes a black and white view of the world because they have too. It is why they are GENERAL Authorities. It is up to each of us to make a digital guide work in an analog world.

My concern earlier is that it is possible that because of our focus on pornography, that what might be a rare occurrence, or even innocent gets interpreted as porn and perhaps even <gasp> cause for divorce. Think about these things?

Is a Victoria secret catalog porn?

Sports illustrated?

Swimsuit issue?

Jcpenny catalog?

Encyclopedia brittanica?

National geograpic?

All of those could be viewed as porn...or not, depending on how they were being used.

Just my .02

-RM

[MorningStar]

Thanks skippy this was my point earlier. We are quick to condemn pornography, but many times in our condemnation of the material, we do not react well to the individual. We have a few artistic nude paintings and sculptures in our home....some might view it as porn. We view it as art. If it bothered my spouse or vice-versa they would be removed. But we both enjoy them from an artistic merit standpoint. Same thing with the alcohol analogy you mention. Does one drink an alcoholic make? Maybe. Does cooking with alcohol violate the wow? Maybe. The church takes a black and white view of the world because they have too. It is why they are GENERAL Authorities. It is up to each of us to make a digital guide work in an analog world.

My concern earlier is that it is possible that because of our focus on pornography, that what might be a rare occurrence, or even innocent gets interpreted as porn and perhaps even <gasp> cause for divorce. Think about these things?

Is a Victoria secret catalog porn?

Sports illustrated?

Swimsuit issue?

Jcpenny catalog?

Encyclopedia brittanica?

National geograpic?

All of those could be viewed as porn...or not, depending on how they were being used.

Just my .02

-RM

I think the most harmful thing to the marriage is the deception. A lot of women marry men believing they don't have a porn problem because they served a mission, but it turns out they have been addicted since their youth. They tell themselves that when they are finally getting the real thing, they won't "need" porn anymore.

Then the truth comes out and the wife feels like a bomb has been dropped on her. It's hard to know when to bring up during dating though when to address the issue. "Hi! I'm Jim! I look at porn. Wanna got out sometime?"

[Backroads]

I don't believe skippy is talking about the responsibility to communicate. Rather, I think he is restating the age-old truism to talk about YOUR OWN problems rather than focus on his.

Yes, his porn viewing is a big problem. But complaining at him about it and telling what a sack of excrement he is won't help anything. By focusing on yourself ("I feel..."), you are admitting that the hurt feelings are yours.

To use pop psychology talk (which, incidentally, I kinda hate), you are "owning" your feelings rather than saying, "YOU are MAKING me feel this way!" It is more empowering (there's that stupid pop-psych talk again) for the wife, less threatening (pop psych...) to the husband, and more likely to get a useful result in the long term.

Definitely agree with all of this.

But what I was originally getting at was how a few people were talking about how knowing the offended spouse's feelings would still cause someone to clam up and refuse to talk--regardless of how fairly and professionally those feelings were presented.

I know I'm straining at gnats here, but it's almost as if one spouse should put his/her personal feelings and frustrations on the backburner and pretend everything is okay until the spouse with the sin in question is put back together.

Edited November 14, 2012 by Backroads

[estradling75]

Definitely agree with all of this.

But what I was originally getting at was how a few people were talking about how knowing the offended spouse's feelings would still cause someone to clam up and refuse to talk--regardless of how fairly and professionally those feelings were presented.

I know I'm straining at gnats here, but it's almost as if one spouse should put his/her personal feelings and frustrations on the backburner and pretend everything is okay until the spouse with the sin in question is put back together.

It is understandable that you might get that tone... But do realize that we can't give advice to the spouse at this point so all the advice is one sided... We are telling her what to do because she is the only one asking/listening to us.

Trying to advice him would be pointless... But if he was listening you'd find he would have a whole lot more that he needed to do... Which down on the list a ways would include to listen to his wife and understand how he hurt her

[georgia2]

Awe. You sound so hurt and miserable. I totally understand how you feel.

No offense, but it seems your man is taking the cowards way out. Skulking around waiting for you to bring it up if at all. At this point, I, personally, wouldn't worry about how he's feeling because he for darn sure isn't worried about how you're feeling!! You need to put your pants on, straighten your back bone, and tell him to come here, sit down, we are going to talk.

Then just plain and simple tell him how you feel. Tell him what you just wrote. Tell him that you feel disappointed that he has not initiated this discussion. Tell him you love and want to help but that he will need to want help. You are not perfect and you would expect him to help you if you had issues that needed attention. But you need to let him know you won't tolerate evil coming in your home via tv, computer, or any other means.

If he doesn't respond in a receptive manner, if he gets mad, yells, throws blame, tells you that you are judging him, let him know it is your job to protect the home and kids.

The longer you wait for him the harder it will be. I think the longer you wait gives him emotional power over you. He should be the one hurting, not you.

[Finrock]

When I was a young man about 16 or 17 years old my father was inactive and, in my view, living in a sinful way. I felt resentful about this because I felt that my father, a priesthood holder and patriarch of the home, ought to be leading the way in righteoussness. I resented the fact that he was not living up to his covenants. Because of these feelings, I felt justified in coming out in open rebellion against him. I felt justified in feeling that I did not have to respect his station because in my view he was not respecting his station.

I don't remember exactly why I was reading this, but I remember one day reading out of the Book of Mormon the story of when Nephi was hunting for food and broke his bow and was therefore unable to obtain food. Because of this, basically everyone in the group began to murmur because of their afflictions, "...and also [Lehi] began to murmur against the Lord his God; yea, and they were all exceedingly sorrowful, even that they did murmur against the Lord" (1 Nephi 16:20).

I continued to read about how Nephi exorted his brothers not to murmur agains the Lord. And then I came to verse 23 which reads:

"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food?" (1 Nephi 16:23; emphasis added).

This verse struck me because I realized a couple of things. First, I noticed that even though everyone, including Lehi, was complaining against the Lord (which is a sin), Nephi is shown only to address the murmuring of his brothers. Two, I wondered why would Nephi go to Lehi for guidance if he knew Lehi was murmurring against the Lord? Why wouldn't Nephi simply ask God himself instead of going through Lehi? This is when it struck me that Lehi's weakness did not take away his calling nor did it take away his position as patriarch.

I believe that had Nephi gone to Lehi and railed on him about how he is leading the family astray because of his murmurring, I think that this would have made the situation worse. Everyone would have still been hungry and sufferring but now there would be a rift and contention between father and son. And the opportunity for Nephi to help make the situation better, likely would have been lost.

I speculate here that Nephi's actions probably reminded Lehi of his duty and it was probably more effective in bringing Lehi back to repentance than if Nephi had reacted with resentfulness and anger towards his father's sinful choice.

After reading this scripture, I realized that for me my resentfulness and my feelings of disrespect towards my father were not justified. Futher, I realized that I could help him best by continuing to respect him and by continuing to love him and by continuing to defer to him for guidance, advice, and counsel.

Regards,

Finrock

[fourkidsandahouse]

Thank you Finrock, you truly have a gift of understanding the scriptures and helping others to do so. I did end up writing a letter to my husband and i got a decent response quickly. After addressing the issue, and some of the new ones related to this with him, i was in an odd place of having reconciled the immediate but still needing to endure to the end...meaning carrying though with my promises to support and not judge.... this has almost been as hard since everything reminds me of the situation that was just a week ago and i almost forget our conversations and revert to judgments. It almost doesn't seem right that things should go back to normal...but isn't that what we need?

[Guest SquidMom]

Things like this take time and patience. My husband and I are going through the process of forgiveness and healing, also, but for other reasons. It is very difficult and alot of work. We talked yesterday about how it may have easier to just call it quits and walk away from eachother. But, we also agreed that saving our marriage, our family, is well worth the effort.

[ACommonMan]

..., he doesn't respond like she needs, ...

One should be very careful about defining exactly how their porn view spouse "needs" to respond. A oft documented paradox in the discovery/revelation of porn viewing is that the viewer will suddenly shed his shame and guilt, turning it over to God through confessing to the Bishop. The spouse, on the other hand, has just entered the world of shame and guilt. She has tons, potentially years, of emotions to get caught up on to meet him where he is today. She shouldn't let herself get caught up in needing him to feel worse than she does in order to prove himself.

In this particular case, I'm not sure he IS truly repentant yet, so there could still be some other things to work out first. However, in terms of the larger discussion on of porn not being "about" her, realize that men often downplay situations for sake of the other person, not as a side stepping of guilt. He wants her to know that she can overcome the obstacle before her. She doesn't need to lose weight. She doesn't need to do new stuff in bed. It frequently has less to do with the more obvious lust aspects than it has to with his own insecurities or stress.

[ACommonMan]

FourKids,

I'm going to get quite personal here and let you know how grateful I was, when I first stumbled on this, that you have four kids. That means you are not my wife. She recently discovered my search history and we've been dealing with that since Oct.

I am thrilled that you have been able to find good way to start your healing so quickly. I'm still quite troubled, six weeks later, that my own marriage may not survive.

As for "returning to normal", you may need to redefine that term. I presume it will take quite a while for you to stop wondering about him being in a room alone with a computer. That is somewhat your new normal. However, many of the other things in your family can return to "normal" quite quickly. J. Golden reportedly said, "They can't excommunicate me. I repent too damned fast." While that's probably a fictional quote, (most attributed to him are) it does underscore an important concept. The Lord forgives very quickly. There are some particular situations where the Bishop asks someone to not take the Sacrament for a period but, when the Lord offers repentance, it's full and immediate.

Your husband can return to his role as the Priesthood Leader. He can feel the promptings of the Spirit and give fatherly counsel. The two of you would likely benefit from continued therapy for things like letting him touch you without worrying that you are just a substitute for porn. Those types of things will take longer to return to "normal".

I pray that you have a successful journey through his recovery.

[Brother_Anon]

I'm still quite troubled, six weeks later, that my own marriage may not survive.

I'm sorry, but unless child porn or physical adultery is involved, there is no justification for divorce. As a church we've elevated porn use to something worse than anything but murder, which is just insane. Any wife that would end a marriage over this is, in my opinion, more guilty of covenant breaking than the husband.

Doesn't make porn use ok, but it's nowhere near the level of sin some try to portray it, much less an act worthy of divorce.

[Backroads]

I'm sorry, but unless child porn or physical adultery is involved, there is no justification for divorce. As a church we've elevated porn use to something worse than anything but murder, which is just insane. Any wife that would end a marriage over this is, in my opinion, more guilty of covenant breaking than the husband.

Doesn't make porn use ok, but it's nowhere near the level of sin some try to portray it, much less an act worthy of divorce.

I'm privy to several couples where porn crept in and created problems. One couple did divorce--but not just because of porn. Porn can certainly create bigger problems, contribute to problems already there.

But yes, if porn is it and the relationship can be held together (I still believe the porn problem should be tackled), divorcing someone just because of porn really isn't the best solution.

[ACommonMan]

I'm sorry, but unless child porn or physical adultery is involved, there is no justification for divorce.

No. No. child porn nor physical adultery but, there's an emotional component similar to physical adultery for her.

The porn revelation was on top of an already strained relationship. It's probably even odds that there is always something more than the porn. I think that often times we get the cause and effect backwards. Scientifically speaking, we know that porn can cause problems in a marriage. Something which gets overlooked is that there are typically problems prior to it also. The porn just makes it worse.

Let me be clear. I don't blame my wife, or anything else, for my bad decisions. Those were mine and she doesn't deserve to be going through what she is now. At the same time, it's important to note that porn isn't the root cause of all our trouble. It's not even the cause of 10% of our trouble. She feels like it is, and there is a point to be made about letting Satan into the house. My hope, and it sounds like FourKids is on the right track, is that she'll take a real look at all the elements to our marriage.

[missionary0204]

I could fill pages of detailed insight into matters like these, but will only make a few comments.

Porn is by far the strongest addiction I have ever faced, tried, tested, experienced, etc. At first it is only small things. We justify looking at non-nude pics. As time goes by, you cannot look at a non-nude website without being exposed to other pictures that pose as advertisements that are anything but non-nude. Later you start to view partial nude pictures and hope to control your appetite for more. Later you find yourself looking at hard-core porn because the sexual stimulation is unreal at times and very intense. The computer doesn't say no and will do anything your little mind can imagine. As more time goes by, you go through mutiple swings of emotion and repentance and then you find yourself falling for the same **** trap all over again. You have weak moment when your angry with your spouse or you entertain thoughts from a picture or video you saw on tv.

You can only go through the repentance process so many times before you begin to give up inside and can only pray that one day you will find motivation strong enough to truely control it. A person can be absolutely amazing in all other ways, but have this one secret/hidden sin that is so disgusting. I created the term "the fever" to describe the compelling force that clouds our mind. Unless I am experiencing "the fever," I am in total control, but it is crazy how quickly that can change. As soon as the desire is satisfied, your back to normal most of the time, but then you deal with serious swings of depression, denial, anger, frustration, etc.

This can absolutely destroy a family. If you convenant with God and then break your convenants, you will give Satan power to destroy your family with time if you do not fix the problem. It may take months or 30 years.

For me, my Bishop suggested that I share my problem with my wife because he said that I needed her help. As embarrassing and painful as this was, he couldn't have been more right. I knew that my innocent wife would be hurt beyond my ability to understand. I knew that she would go through some crazy emotions because she is not accustomed to such trauma. It crushed me to think about it, but I swallowed everything and discussed it with her. I can honestly say that I absolutely love her and your first question would be, why did you do it then? The answer is simple. I became weak and gave into temptation. I allowed myself to sin, but it was a slow process that was very tricky. It always starts with justification, but when the hook is in, you can do it again. Remember my comment about being perfectly normal in my reason and thought as soon as "the fever" is gone, but the damage is done.

I'm going to skip a lot of detail, but in the end, my wife had thoughts of leaving me. She questioned whether she made the wrong decision to marry me even though we had a miraculous experience that made me ask her to marry me. I begged for counceling, begged her to get rid of everything in the house (tv, internet, etc.). After counceling, she was the one who did not want to follow the instructions and council we recieved. Her mind was wondering to far already with thoughts of divorce or that I would change one day and quit being the wonderful husband that she knew me to be.

There were many prayers and lots of COMMUNICATION that helped with all of this. After an amazing night discussing things coupled with the spirit, I felt my wife change. She immediately quit pushing me away and wanted to pull together, but she had to know that I was right there willing to give up everything literally to gain her respect and trust again. I began to make myself lay next to her at night, even though she goes to be 3 hours before I like to, just to show her my support and desire to be with her.

I have been clean for many months. It is much easier to keep control now, but discipline is key. You must control your thougths immediately when you see something inappropriate. Be afraid of television, internet, youtube, etc. DO NOT WATCH RATED R MOVIES AND MONY PG 13 MOVIES. It doesn't take much to feel "the fever" knocking at the door. I believe with time, I can learn to control myself to much greater degrees, but I am not convinced that I will never slip again. I absolutely need my wifes support.

After reading your main post, I am concerned for you. He may not have a desire to change yet or may not want to change yet. I have read many stories where the Partner would not try to change for many years no matter how hard the spouse tried. These stories almost never ended well. Hopfully your husband is a lot like me and just needs help getting over an addiction. I can honestly say that I am a very good father and husband, very considerate, very kind and loving, but have a nasty habit that needs to be whipped.

I am going to list some tips that have helped with me. I could say so much more on this subject, but I do not have time to explain all of my thoughts and feelings due to a time restraint. I hope that this insight is helpful in some way if any.

Tips:

1. Communication, Communication, Communication

2. Speak with your Bishop-he needs to be the one ready to talk to the Bishop

3. Be very clear with what you will or will not allow in your relationship. If you act like everything is alright, then you will probably do more harm than good. That is a temptation to do it again because there are no consequences. When my wife hinted at thoughts of leaving me, I was so sick to my stomach that I almost lost it. That is a powerful compelling force to find strength. Some will say that this may cause him to start lieing to you. That is possible. I am the type that may not give full details about everythings, but if you ask me, I will be honest no matter how embarrassing it is.

4. Be very careful who you discuss this with. Often times, family can do more harm in this situation that good and it may harm their view of your husband for a long time. Also make sure to be careful about church. You do not want this to get spread around. That was my greatest fear. I cannot bear the thought that people might view me as a monster when I am anything but. That could be enough to make a person quit church or change wards really fast.

5. Try to make him feel your love more than ever. Cry and hug him. Scolding a person pushes them away in most cases. Compelling them to change because they feel your love and don't want to hurt you anymore is 100X's more powerful.

4. Put a K-9 (content block) program on every computer and only you need to know the password.

5. Block all channels R+ on your Satellite, if you have it, and only you get to know the code. I know people will say this is baby sitting, but I wanted this kind of support from my wife. I want to feel like she is actually trying to support me. Now you may not be ok with this type of support. My wife was not ok with it at first.

6. Make sure to spend quality time with your husband and try not to make it a habbit to always make him beg for sexual attention. *This does not mean he gets it every night, but once a week or less is probably not good enough for him to feel support. He probably has high T levels (testostrone). It helps if he feels like you actually are interested in him. Please at least act like you are every once-in-awhile. This is one of the areas that LDS marriage counceling will probably address.

7. Seek LDS marriage counceling

8. Both of you participate in the LDS addiction program. He is probably going to fight this out of embarrassment.

I hope you can find some useful tips from any of this. If he outright refuses counceling or addiction classes, then that might be a good indicator where he is in his desire to change. I went to my wife. She never knew about it. I was ready to change and did not know how. You also commented about believing that he is not addicted. I find that concept to be nearly impossible. If he is willing to break covenants over it, he is addicted whether you want to believe it or not.

My experience with pornography requires meeting with a bishop, missing sacrament, not being temple worthy, and not participating in blessings until the bishop says its ok.

None of this is very organized and I did not proof read it. I am out of time at work.

[mnn727]

I'm sorry, but unless child porn or physical adultery is involved, there is no justification for divorce. As a church we've elevated porn use to something worse than anything but murder, which is just insane. Any wife that would end a marriage over this is, in my opinion, more guilty of covenant breaking than the husband.

Doesn't make porn use ok, but it's nowhere near the level of sin some try to portray it, much less an act worthy of divorce.

I've been saying this for months here. Thank You.

I think people get so upset (to the point of wrecking families) because they've been taught to get so upset by it.

and please don't take that as me condoning porn, I don't. I just don't believe its as bad as some people think they need to make it.

Edited December 17, 2012 by mnn727

[mnn727]

Porn is by far the strongest addiction I have ever faced, tried, tested, experienced, etc.

It was a piece of cake for me -- I viewed it before converting in a situation that was natural, my wife in fact bought me a gift subscription to Playboy -- before we were LDS.

Smoking was a harder addiction to break.

My hardest addition was/still is to food, if I could just give it up, I could, I have gone 'cold turkey' on a few additions with very little problem, the bad thing is you still have to eat.

Edited December 17, 2012 by mnn727

[ACommonMan]

Thanks for the comments Missionary. I particularly like numbers 4 and 5. (the first 4 and 5, not the nannyware) Who you discuss it with is a key part with number 8 as well. From what I have found, talking with members of my local support group and reading online, is that a lot of education needs to take place before the person you're speaking with can actually be helpful. Finding a good support person in an AR meeting allows you to jump past the here's what's going on phase and straight to the here's what can help phase.

I can also tell you that without feeling love and compassion, my low self esteem and tendency to be self defeating (which got me into this trouble in the first place) are really knocking hard at the door of relapse. The number of times in a day in which I contemplate giving up altogether just causes even more depression.

Since I singled out the first 4 and 5, I should address the second 4 and 5 a moment as well. I am not against monitoring software and it can be particularly helpful to reassure the spouse that it's not happening again. However, not all the computers in my life are going to have a net nanny. For my own growth, I need to know that I'm avoiding it because I've learned to lean on God for strength, not because I couldn't if I wanted to. That needs to be the long term goal. If net nanny can help in the short term, by all means do whatever it takes.

[Brother_Anon]

It was a piece of cake for me -- I viewed it before converting in a situation that was natural, my wife in fact bought me a gift subscription to Playboy -- before we were LDS.

Something I've been thinking about for awhile now is this concept of porn use being so difficult to stop.

The only people who seem to feel this way are either LDS or members of another faith who are more traditional in their worship and beliefs (i.e.: Evangelicals, more conservative Catholics, etc.). For this group porn is incredibly seductive and/or addictive, and is in many cases, one of the most destructive elements of modern living to exist today.

Meanwhile, folks outside this group, whether or not they are religious, seem to be able to use it, not use it, or even walk away from it, seemingly with no difficulty. It doesn't seem to ruin marriages or lives in the way it does the first group.

At the same time, other addictions seem to effect them in the same ways it does everyone else. They get addicted to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, etc., just like anyone else who uses these substances does.

Truly at a loss to understand the why's. Any ideas?

[pam]

The only people who seem to feel this way are either LDS or members of another faith who are more traditional in their worship and beliefs (i.e.: Evangelicals, more conservative Catholics, etc.). For this group porn is incredibly seductive and/or addictive, and is in many cases, one of the most destructive elements of modern living to exist today.

Meanwhile, folks outside this group, whether or not they are religious, seem to be able to use it, not use it, or even walk away from it, seemingly with no difficulty. It doesn't seem to ruin marriages or lives in the way it does the first group.

Do you have statistics to back this up?

[Vort]

Truly at a loss to understand the why's. Any ideas?

My idea is that your idea is wrong. I bet non-LDS, non-Catholic people find pornography just as addicting as LDS and Catholics do. Most of them probably don't see that as a bad thing, though.

[Brother_Anon]

Here's a blog post from an Evangelical site discussing the idea of why Christians appear to get "addicted" to porn in greater numbers than non-believers. (They give two answers: 1. Having higher standards makes rebellion more enticing and 2. Our higher standards mean more guilt when looking at porn, which in a perverse manner reinforces the novelty of each experience, which increases the dopamine released, which means the viewer searches for new images, which means more guilt and the cycle continues.):

Why are so many Christians addicted to porn? | Covenant Eyes

And a poll sponsored by a Christian news organization said that 50% of Christian men and 20% of Christian women are addicted to porn. Those are simply staggering numbers and yet, few will claim that 50% of American males are porn addicts.

Anecdotally, if you do a Google search for pornography addiction the vast majority of results are for recovery programs aimed at Christian men, with a few now aimed at both men and women.

And addiction is language used almost exclusively by religious people and not (yet) recognized by the professional mental health organizations.

And so, porn addiction is either something primarily afflicting people with traditional beliefs, or is also impacting people outside of that community and is being ignored. If it's the former, then we're doing something wrong as this is a fight we are losing since the numbers for addicts coming from a religious background are skyrocketing. I hope it's not the latter since that scares me even more I think, because if that 50% addiction rate for men is right, we're hosed. Imagine if 50% of men were heroin addicts?

I happen to think it's primarily a forbidden fruit problem, one we force into the shadows by the language we use to describe it: addiction (something we will become compelled to keep using if we view 10 seconds of it), destructive (confess to your wife that you've watched even one video and next thing you know you're in front of a disciplinary council with divorce papers in your pocket) and completely pervasive (get rid of all media because you can't watch TV or browse the Internet without videos of the worst acts just by opening your browser.)

Stopping the fear and demonization would do more to help folks than just about anything, IMNSHO. Hopefully we'll get there sooner rather than later.

[Brother_Anon]

My idea is that your idea is wrong. I bet non-LDS, non-Catholic people find pornography just as addicting as LDS and Catholics do. Most of them probably don't see that as a bad thing, though.

You might be right. I wonder though (Eternal Consequences aside as they're probably committing plenty of other sins as well), if they're addicted, but both think of porn as just entertainment, not a "bad thing" as you mention, what's the harm? If you substitute "meth", or any addictive substance really, for porn, you can't say there is no harm. For the couple above, porn use just becomes another variable, like (to use stereotypical examples), a couple divorcing because the husband works too much or the wife spends too much.

You can't say the same for the religious couple, where porn use becomes the whispered demon of adultery and filth, waiting in the shadows to destroy your marriage. Where, like a zombie bite, the infected spouse must be cut off before it kills the rest of the family. In that situation, it's no wonder Utah has so many people on anti-depressants, since it also has one of the highest rates of porn use.

There has to be a better way to deal with this.

[mnn727]

Something I've been thinking about for awhile now is this concept of porn use being so difficult to stop.

The only people who seem to feel this way are either LDS or members of another faith who are more traditional in their worship and beliefs (i.e.: Evangelicals, more conservative Catholics, etc.). For this group porn is incredibly seductive and/or addictive, and is in many cases, one of the most destructive elements of modern living to exist today.

Meanwhile, folks outside this group, whether or not they are religious, seem to be able to use it, not use it, or even walk away from it, seemingly with no difficulty. It doesn't seem to ruin marriages or lives in the way it does the first group.

At the same time, other addictions seem to effect them in the same ways it does everyone else. They get addicted to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, etc., just like anyone else who uses these substances does.

Truly at a loss to understand the why's. Any ideas?

I would say because we in the religious community have made it "forbidden and shameful'. Prior to my becoming LDS/Christian it was more like take it or leave it - no big deal either way. Edited December 18, 2012 by mnn727