How To Nicely Deal With Nosy Family Members

[NewToBe]

Hello! Just had a question to ask:

This week, I just asked someone I really care about to marry me. We've know eachother for about a year, met in our stake's singles ward, etc. Both of us are extremely excited. I just came back off my mission not too long ago (3 months).

We have been very thourough on asking questions (257 questions to ask before being married) and want it to be a temple marriage. Both of us have been in dating relationships where it has been just out of infatuation, and both felt the Spirit to even talk about such a thing as marriage on one of our dates. We've both prayed about it and have gotten the same answer. Also have cleared our 'skeletons'.

The thing is, what would be the proper way to deal with family members that don't approve such as siblings?

The reason why is we've only been dating for less than a month. Any suggestions?

Edited December 6, 2012 by NewToBe

[Wingnut]

Any suggestions?

Yes. Be home from your mission longer, and date longer.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I think it's what needs saying.

[beefche]

I've always said that when one falls in love, he/she gets stupid. We should surround ourselves with those who love us and listen to them. However, it is ultimately your decision.

I would say allow them to express their thoughts to you, sincerely listen to their concerns, and then thank them. You can think on their thoughts, dismiss them, whatever.

Once you do that, if they try to bring it up again, I would smile, say thank you, and begin a different topic of discussion.

[mrmarklin]

I thanked Wingnut for her advice and so should you.

I don't think much of whirlwind romances, but I'd be straightforward with your family and friends and tell them just what you have told us.

[NeuroTypical]

I want to make sure I understand. You're back from your mission 3 months, dating this girl for one month, you've asked her to marry you. You want to know how you can keep your family from flipping out, because you just got engaged to someone you've only dated for 1 month.

Do I have that about right?

Well, the obvious answer is there's nothing you can do, and they're right to flip out a little. You barely know anything about someone you've only dated for one month. It takes a year minimum to "clear your skeletons" with someone - don't lie to yourself and believe otherwise.

You don't "know each other for a year" if you're only back from your mission 3 months and dating for 1. You might know of each other that long, but that's it.

Dude - I don't want to be a downer here. This is a horrible train wreck waiting to happen. I mean, out of a thousand couples in your situation who believe it's the right thing, you might be one of the lucky 5 that it is actually the right thing. But odds are, you're one of the normal 995 couples.

Tell you what - make the wedding date December, 2013. If you make it to June, start doing serious planning and spending money on preparing.

[MarginOfError]

Hello! Just had a question to ask:

This week, I just asked someone I really care about to marry me. We've know eachother for about a year, met in our stake's singles ward, etc. Both of us are extremely excited. I just came back off my mission not too long ago (3 months).

We have been very thourough on asking questions (257 questions to ask before being married) and want it to be a temple marriage. Both of us have been in dating relationships where it has been just out of infatuation, and both felt the Spirit to even talk about such a thing as marriage on one of our dates. We've both prayed about it and have gotten the same answer. Also have cleared our 'skeletons'.

The thing is, what would be the proper way to deal with family members that don't approve such as siblings?

The reason why is we've only been dating for less than a month. Any suggestions?

So you have known her for a year, but you returned from your mission three months ago. Is this a girl you met while you were serving? If so, I would submit that she doesn't really know you.

For that matter, you don't really know you. You don't know what kind of person you're going to be in the post-mission adjustment. You likely still view yourself as the missionary that just got home, but that isn't a realistic personality to maintain your entire life.

As a general rule, when your girlfriend/fiancee's family have strong objections to you marrying her, it's probably good to take their objection into consideration. There are a number of reasons they might object. 1) they probably know her better than you do and are better suited to understand if she's getting in over her head or 2) they might be crazy. In either case, going through with your plans to marry her probably isn't a great idea.

My advice is this: if you insist on 'being engaged' to this girl, schedule the wedding date for sometimes in 2014. If you still want to marry her in 12 months, then go for it. But you're both rushing into this.

Also, you sound like a naive missionary who is determined to do all the right things as fast as possible because you think that's the best way to show your commitment to the Lord. It's more important to get married to when you are emotionally and emotionally prepared. This is more likely to happen if you develop relationships with more people than just the one girl you met on your mission.

[Just_A_Guy]

I'm going to take a slightly different tack. If you're sure this is the Spirit and not hormones, go ahead. I think there's a lot of danger of being confused or misled at such a young age and after such a short relationship, but shorter courtships than yours by people younger than you have produced healthy marriages. Just bear in mind that you and your wife are going to inevitably be surprised after the marriage by things you didn't know about each other before. A long as you're sufficiently committed to each other and the Lord (a commitment level that, frankly, is rare but not impossible at your age levels), things will be OK.

But as for family: it is not "nosy" to express concerns about a sibling marrying someone they've only known for three months. Yes, it's your decision. But bear in mind that your decision is an unconventional one. Give your family some time to get used to it.

Edited December 6, 2012 by Just_A_Guy

[mnn727]

The reason why is we've only been dating for less than a month. Any suggestions?

My wife and I dated 3 weeks before we got engaged, Her family gave her a hard time too. Can it work? yes, we are proof, but both need to be committed to the marriage in good times or bad. If you are committed to each other and to the Gospel, it can work.

My questions are: how long before the wedding? I hope its at least 6 months out so you can spend more time together.

Can you support a family: do you have an education ? are you making enough $ that you won't need any help from either family. (if not then my advice is to wait until you are to get married)

How to deal with the family: "Thank you for your concern" and then change the subject.

Edited December 6, 2012 by mnn727

[Bini]

My parents first met at a church dance back in the 80's. My dad is British and was only in America for a brief period. He asked my mum out and they dated 3 weeks before he proposed. They temple married shortly after, and she hopped on a plane and moved overseas with him. They have been happily married for 30 years now.

That said. They were a bit older and had both been previously married with kids. So marriage, remarrying in particular, was not something either took lightly. I'm not implying that you are but I would strongly recommend you settle "back in" and continue to meet lots of wonderful people :) Get to know yourself, too.

[NewToBe]

Just to verify a few things:

-She isn't someone I met on my mission.

-We were friends before my mission.

-It isn't any of her siblings/family members that are being 'nosy'. Everyone from her side is excited.

Thanks for everything that everyone said. I understand it does appear quick, but we both have had multiple talks about it. We are very active in the church and want to remain that way, raise a strong family in the church, and marry in the temple.

And as for things about finding other things about eachother, there are somethings that we won't know until we are married. We have been extremely blunt about past histories/mess-ups, hopefully making sure that everything that we can recall is out on the table.

Edited December 6, 2012 by NewToBe

[NeuroTypical]

Sounds like your minds are pretty made up. I wish you good luck, and the advice to have a nice long engagement stands.

[NewToBe]

My wife and I dated 3 weeks before we got engaged, Her family gave her a hard time too. Can it work? yes, we are proof, but both need to be committed to the marriage in good times or bad. If you are committed to each other and to the Gospel, it can work.

My questions are: how long before the wedding? I hope its at least 6 months out so you can spend more time together.

Can you support a family: do you have an education ? are you making enough $ that you won't need any help from either family. (if not then my advice is to wait until you are to get married)

We were hoping in a couple of months as for the date. We're both going to be going to school, both have jobs, and have decided to wait on kids until we can better support them. We also have gone and compared costs vs income.

[Guest]

I'm going to assume you both know what you're doing. So, I'm only going to address the direct question about the family.

The first and most important step in these types of situations is to KNOW and take to heart that your family loves you and they only want what they think is best for you.

Of course, you would know what's best for you better than anybody. But there are times when you get into such a state that you don't realize you have blinders on. Respectfully giving the family's concern some thought might be able to clear those blinders for you and allow you to get a clearer picture.

Once you've done that and you are still at odds with their views, then all you need to do is let them know that you've carefully considered their concerns and that you believe what you're doing is the right thing. Then anytime after that, all you need to do is remember that you can't control what other people think/do. All you can control is how you react to them. Reacting positively gives positive results. Reacting negatively gives negative results...

Good luck.

(I eloped with my husband, so I have some personal experience with my loving family's disagreement with my decisions)...

[Guest]

Just to verify a few things:

-She isn't someone I met on my mission.

-We were friends before my mission.

I thought you said you've only known her for a year... did you mean to say that you've known her for a year before you left for your mission?

[skippy740]

NewtoBe:

I'm going to get into the real world here (not that anyone else that posted isn't.)

Do you have a job?

Do you have a careeer?

Do you have an education in case something happens to your job &/or industry?

Do you have savings?

Are you being practical?

[NewToBe]

I thought you said you've only known her for a year... did you mean to say that you've known her for a year before you left for your mission?

Yes. A year before my mission. We were in Singles Ward together and met there.

[Dravin]

The thing is, what would be the proper way to deal with family members that don't approve such as siblings?

Generically:

1) Discuss the objection (not just hear it, but discuss it).

2) Consider their objection and weigh it fairly. Some objections aren't reasonable, some are completely reasonable, and some are in the middle. A big concern in situations like this is that you are too blinded by infatuation and emotion to think clearly. Sometimes knowing that you do understand why they have a concern and that you do see the rational behind it can calm people down quite a bit. It lets them know your brain is engaged.

3) If consideration doesn't change the position of either party then realize it is your decision to make. Respecting or loving someone else does not mean you must agree with them.

My mother had concerns over my choice of wife (during the dating stage, she would never voice concerns after the fact and if she had my response would be quite different). I sat down with her, listened to her, conceded the value I saw in her points and shared that I did understand why she was concerned (and I truly did, I wasn't just saying it). In the end though I gently informed her that while I loved her and respected her opinion that it was ultimately my decision to make.

I don't kid myself by thinking that made her concerns evaporate right then and there but I think it did show her that I wasn't just zooming around in infatuation mode and that I had engaged my brain to consider what she feared I did not. She respected that I was thinking things through even though I had reached a different conclusion than her. In return for me respecting her and listening to her she reciprocated by respecting that it was my decision to make. Now this is a best case scenario/reaction, but it is still worth doing.

P.S. I wouldn't have described my mother as nosy though. She cared for and loved me, and feared I was acting rashly and so out of love and concern she brought her concerns to me.

Edited December 6, 2012 by Dravin

[trubludru]

Hmm, I saw an article the other day that said people such as parents are one of the major factors in the trend to delay marriage. Mainly because they don't want their kids to rush into something as big as maarriage before they are ready. I understand that logic and concern of that, I had a failed marriage, (but I'm not sure another few months of dating would have prevented it I knew my ex about 8 or 9 months before we were married). I would add to the caution to make sure you aren't rushing things...sometimes a relationship is great the first month or two because it is new and exciting but then it goes down hill for whatever reason.

Some more advice would be to ask the question if there is anything wrong with dating another month or two. just to make sure that you aren't basing your decisions on the hormonal/emotional high you are likely to be on right now. Just understand that when you are married to each other you should be largely indepent from both your parents in most ways and have plans in place to address finishing educations or getting long-term work and careers. Don't just trust that everything will work out if you haven't thought out these sorts of things.

However, I will say that if do feel really good about the relationship and not just the heady emotional/hormonal high sort of way, there is nothing wrong with trying to progress the relationship.

I don't know what your exact family situation or financial status is, just make sure you really have thought and talked your way through things more than a vague idea that you will be able to pay rent and go to school and buy food by getting that ideal job....because that may not happen. You may both have to work crappy jobs with terrible hours and may not see each other very much for awhile to make ends meet or get your education finished. Again, just make sure you have really thought about those sorts of things. I imagine these are the sorts of concerns your family has.

[MorningStar]

I've seen these things work out and I've seen some disasters. If you know it's the right thing, just thank people for their concern. My brother didn't like my husband at first, but now he talks about how glad he is that now that we're all grown up, it's awesome that we all married people we get along with so well.

[Anddenex]

The most important aspect in all relationships blossoming toward engagement, and then marriage is whether or not you both feel you have received a confirmation from the Lord.

When I was engaged my Bishop told me of two brother's who were engaged to their girlfriends (if you could even call them girlfriends) after the first date. At the end of the first date both brother's proposed, and the women said yes. They both , at this time, had been happily married for 25 years or so.

In suggesting this, I am not saying this works for everyone, and everyone who dates should get engaged after the first date.

I agree with other posters who mentioned to seriously think about what those who love you say. They are speaking from love, and especially parents, who are also speaking as stewards. Sincerely, think upon what they have shared, make your decision, and then give your whole heart and mind to your potential wife.

As a father, I must admit if one of my daughters came home and said, "I'm engaged," and I knew they only had dated for a month, I would be a little worried.

However, I am a hypocrite in my worry because I knew my wife for 3 months, we dated for 1 and a half months, and were engaged, and then married 3 months later. We knew each other for a total of 7 months. We have been married for 13 years, and have five wonderful children.

Learn to recognize right away, none of us are perfect, and when you get married your eyes will be opened and her eyes will be opened even more. Be patient and forgiving. I have totally loved President Monson's counsel, "Never let the sun go down in anger." (That is a paraphrase, I don't remember the exact words) I have found this counsel to be beneficial.

Be quick to say your sorry.

[Backroads]

I'm also assuming you and your gal are sure on this relationship. I am also seconding beefche's advice.

When I got engaged, I actually sought out opinions concerning it being the right thing. Family members and friends are in that from-a-distance position of seeing things two twitterpated lovebirds can't. While I wouldn't pay too much heed to complaints that are no more than "you haven't dated long enough" (though, yes, it's definitely something worth considering, no matter who you are), take a minute to listen to what they have to say and, if they can address specific concerns they have, listen and consider. If they express concern, ask them to be specific. Try not to take any of it personally. If you find they have a point, take it up with your fiancee and see how it will affect things. If you don't feel they have a point, well, feel free to brush it off politely. NEVER think you have to take the advice just because it's from family.

If family members continue butting in, politely change the topic. If that fails, stand up for yourself and give a firm "Thanks, but I've thought over everything (make sure you have) and this is my decision."

[Guest]

Okay, here's a more gritty perspective too...

A lot of times, it doesn't happen like they do on the Brady Bunch or something where you talk it out and they would nod their heads and smile and disagree and nod and smile...

When I told my dad I want to marry my husband he said when he gets his hands on this "punk" he'll shoot him... When we eloped, my dad and brother did not speak to me for years. And everybody else was screaming at me everytime the subject came up - that included aunts and uncles and cousins...

But, I was THAT sure about my decision. My husband was THAT confident about our relationship. My husband took it all in stride (his family was super duper awesome to me which is the opposite of my family to him!), he was nice, gracious, didn't ever "take the bait", and loved my family regardless of all the drama. My mother didn't stand a chance. She started to love my husband... and that was the light at the end of the tunnel.

So yeah, if the difficult family is yours, you'll need to get assurance from your fiancee that she's up to the challenge and that she understands that this is just a reaction from a family who loves you very very much and that she can love them the way they are - or be able to just let the water run down her back like a duck...

[Backroads]

Also, assuming the marriage goes according to plan, it might be wise to put a bit of distance between you and your bride and your families.

[classylady]

My older sister broke off her engagement to her fiancé when his mother refused to accept her. His family had money, we didn't. My sister said, when you marry, you marry their family. She wanted in-laws that would love and accept her. She didn't think they ever would. She didn't want her husband to have to choose between her and his family. For her, it was probably the right decision. You need to know yourself, and what you can handle. She knew she couldn't handle having in-laws that disliked her.

[mnn727]

Let me give you a verse that really helped my wife and I out during hard times;

2nd Nephi 31:20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. (and I'll add: and an eternal marriage)