Date nonmember?

[SOJA]

Aloha,

I'm an 18 year old priest in my ward who is a senior in high school. So I've been talking to this non member girl lately and things have been getting pretty serious and its looking like we'll be boyfriend and girlfriend. She's really nice, shes active, she has a good personality, and shes pretty. Theres just two things that aren't so good about her and they are big things. 1) She parties (Drinks) 2) She doesn't really have plans or goals after highschool. I like her a lot but I have different things in mind such as college and mission and I don't party. I feel like I made the mistake of talking to her in the first place but she just seemed different and more attractive. What should I do? Should I stop talking to her or go out with her and see where it goes?

[Anddenex]

Aloha,

I'm an 18 year old priest in my ward who is a senior in high school. So I've been talking to this non member girl lately and things have been getting pretty serious and its looking like we'll be boyfriend and girlfriend. She's really nice, shes active, she has a good personality, and shes pretty. Theres just two things that aren't so good about her and they are big things. 1) She parties (Drinks) 2) She doesn't really have plans or goals after highschool. I like her a lot but I have different things in mind such as college and mission and I don't party. I feel like I made the mistake of talking to her in the first place but she just seemed different and more attractive. What should I do? Should I stop talking to her or go out with her and see where it goes?

I personally don't see how initially talking to her was a mistake. We are to be friendly with all people, and to openly communicate with anyone.

When I was your age I made a promise to myself that I would only date women within our Church. When I speak of dating, I actually mean a relationship I would have enjoyed a boyfriend -- girlfriend -- type relationship.

I had friends who weren't members of the Church that I would ask out and enjoy a good movie, or just a dinner with. However, I wouldn't pursue any relationship further with them. Not because they weren't attractive, but because we didn't share similar values.

I don't believe it would be wise to pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't share your same standards or values. I also don't feel it would be wise to stop talking with her.

This however is a choice you will have to make, although it seems pretty clear to me the choice you should make. You have already answered your own question within the "big things."

[pam]

You mentioned 2 big things that you don't like...doesn't that answer your question?

[Dove]

Aloha, Soja;

I don't know if I should be jumping in on this topic, as I am married to a nonmember. But, I thought I would say something I hope will be helpful for you to consider.

My very best friend in High School was not a member when we became friends....However, we loved each other (as friends) very much and did things together all the time. On one night the Spirit really worked through me to have a missionary experience with my friend. I had no idea how much of a missionary I was being; but, the Spirit was guiding me. I had us read a passage of the Book of Mormon and pray together. He received a witness as to the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and several years later, after we had stopped being in contact, was baptised.

Also, I remember another friend/boyfriend of mine helping me in the gospel in college. I went on a mission due to his influence.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, while maybe being romantic isn't necessary for your relationship to thrive right now, don't forget the counsel from one of our prophets. (Sorry, I don't remember which one said this.) Every member a missionary. Even if she's not interested in converting at this point, be an example to her of Christ like love. Share with her your beliefs and goals to go on a mission when the time is right. Don't pressure her to convert. But, be a true friend and example of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Pray about what to do, then listen to and follow the promptings of the Spirit. You never know what influence you could have in the young womans'/daughter of Gods' life.

The best to you.

Dove

[estradling75]

Question for you... You say you are 18 and one of your goals is to serve a mission.

So why are you even considering any kind of long term relationship with a girl? (No matter what their membership status)

You should be in the final stages of get your butt out the door on a mission... And if you don't already have someone now is a very poor time to start looking for them.

[Sharky]

Keep talking to her, be a friend to her & even a little dating with some honesty.

Does she know you are LDS? Does she understand your intent to go on a mission & what that means? Does she understand the LDS "standards"? Do you have the desire to be married in the temple & have an eternal family?

Dating her could have a negative a positive impact -- depends on how strong you are spiritually & how strong your intent to serve a mission &/or to not party is. Depends if you have the stregnth & willingness to avoid settings that could lead to temptations ... if you are capable of controlling the dates & keeping them wholesome activities.

Serious or long-term regular dating will eventually lead you to a point where you will be faced with partying, perhaps subtle at first the temptaions would grow.

That said .....

Not having a plan beyond high school & partying are not the entirity of who she is. There is much to be learned from others & it goes both ways, you learn from her & she learns from you.

Additionally, everyone we "love" in the dating process teaches us better of how to "love" the one that will be our eternal companion.

I'd avoid the boy friend-girl friend thing but casual dating, with a mutual understanding that it isn't & can't go anywhere beyond "casual" & especially if you are seriously/actively working on the mission thing, could hold a lot of benefical lessons for the life you have ahead of you.

[Backroads]

Agreed, if you're 18 and looking into serving a mission, a serious relationship should be the last thing on your mind. By all means, keep up a friendship with this girl. I'm sure she has plenty of marvelous qualities. Just stay away from the romantic route for now (and after your mission, if you decide then she is not the type of marriage partner for you).

Another thing... I know lots of people who had no goals for themselves at 18. They might be lazy and unfocused... or they just might not know what they want yet. It may not be the red flag you think it is.

[Bini]

My suggestions based off personal experience: date a variety of people. It's amazing how much you'll learn about yourself and the world around you during this time. But specifically regarding the topic of dating someone that "parties", and we're not talking about birthday candles here but drinking and among other things: the party scene is often easy to get into but can be very difficult to get out! Even if you're the odd guy out refusing a beer, it's crazy how the actions of those around you, slowly start affecting YOUR life. People want you to be their designated driver. People want to crash at your place after having too much to drink. You're likely to receive advances from intoxicated girls, and really, those are not situations you want to encounter. I think if you're serious about school, avoid the party scene and the folks that are in it. That doesn't mean you can't be friendly but you reflect the company you keep.

[Jennarator]

A hot girl that likes you is pretty exciting. Of course you want to date her. You just need to keep your goals in mind. If she doesn't aline with your goals or could prevent you from reaching them, then that is your answer.

[beefche]

As a woman (who used to be an 18 year old girl), if a guy is talking to me and it seems to be serious, then any time he talks to me continues that type of relationship. Unfortunately, many, many people (especially teenagers who have very little life experience) do not seem to know how to switch from a romantic interest to a friends only interest.

So, while we encourage you to have friends who are not LDS, this girl may be thinking of you in a more romantic tone. For you to decide to no longer consider her romantically but still talk to her and be her friend may be confusing to her. I would suggest talking to her and telling her (if this is what you decide) that you do not wish to pursue a romantic relationship. You want to be friends with her. Just be aware, she may not be agreeable to that.

And I'm with the others--if your goal is to serve a mission, do not be looking for a relationship right now. Date girls as friends or hang out as friends, but do not pursue any relationship. That can wait until after your mission. As someone who served a mission, please know that it is really difficult to leave someone behind while you serve a mission. Your focus on your mission should be on God and being His messenger--but if you have a girlfriend, that becomes more difficult.

[Wordnerd]

I have a stepchild who was a senior in high school last year and hung out with the partier crowd, he didn't graduate and managed to find himself in legal trouble, his girlfriend was an extremely bad influence. My advice is stay far, far away. You have so much on your plate, with finals and preparing for a mission you don't need the complications. Bini's description is very accurate, that life will suck you in and complicate yours if you get close to it. You don't need to be a drinker to suffer from it. It is completely fair to let her know that while you like her, you are not able to pursue a relationship because of your goals, and that you don't want to be involved in her lifestyle. She probably won't like it but it is clear and honest.

[Just_A_Guy]

SOJA, it's absolutely ridiculous how much the things you do in the next six months will impact the course of your life over the next ten to twenty years.

Choose wisely.

[SOJA]

Question for you... You say you are 18 and one of your goals is to serve a mission.

So why are you even considering any kind of long term relationship with a girl? (No matter what their membership status)

You should be in the final stages of get your butt out the door on a mission... And if you don't already have someone now is a very poor time to start looking for them.

So the reason I'm not fully preparing for my mission right now is because I have two older brothers who are on missions. One in chile and the other in Spain. I'm planning on going to college for a year and then when they come back I'll be going. I'm considering a relationship because things are just boring right now. There's not much excitement in my day honestly. My decision for about two years was to go in 2014.

[Bini]

So the reason I'm not fully preparing for my mission right now is because I have two older brothers who are on missions. One in chile and the other in Spain. I'm planning on going to college for a year and then when they come back I'll be going. I'm considering a relationship because things are just boring right now. There's not much excitement in my day honestly. My decision for about two years was to go in 2014.

Soja, a couple more thoughts after reading this.

One, I would think that if you want to serve a mission, regardless if it's now or in the near future, you would prepare yourself with the same mindset and dedication.

Two, if you're just bored with nothing to do, I would encourage you to find a positive outlet for stimulation because an idle mind can lead to trouble. Getting involved with someone that perhaps isn't the best influence (based on your personal goals) may potentially hamper your progression in accomplishing the things you've set yourself out to do.

[Windseeker]

It seemed like toward the end of my senior year that all the cutest girls I knew who I thought out of my league all the sudden developed a interest in me. I was good until I met a girl in college and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. She even joined the church and I went on to serve a mission.

But I tell you with what I know now I regret ever going out with her. It was a huge unnecessary distraction and it was extremely unwise. It caused allot of stress to my family as well.

I agree with Just_A_Guy that what you do in the next 6 months will have a greater impact on your life than any other period of time.

I have to say that those who seek relationships out of boredom are lacking in maturity, wisdom and quality to put it lightly. I would not want anyone dating my daughters or sons who were doing so because they couldn't find anything better to do. I would hope my kids have loftier goals when they start dating than a remedy for monotony.

It’s great to make friends and meet people but starting a relationship at this point is not going to make it easier to follow thru with your choice to serve the Lord that is for sure.

[Chrissy3818]

Aloha,

I'm an 18 year old priest in my ward who is a senior in high school. So I've been talking to this non member girl lately and things have been getting pretty serious and its looking like we'll be boyfriend and girlfriend. She's really nice, shes active, she has a good personality, and shes pretty. Theres just two things that aren't so good about her and they are big things. 1) She parties (Drinks) 2) She doesn't really have plans or goals after highschool. I like her a lot but I have different things in mind such as college and mission and I don't party. I feel like I made the mistake of talking to her in the first place but she just seemed different and more attractive. What should I do? Should I stop talking to her or go out with her and see where it goes?

It's up to you if those are your turn offs and very important to you then I would really not consider it. For me, mine are 1. Did or are they in college? 2. Do they have a job and 3. do they respect their mother.

Yes there are a lot more than this, but if I see any guy disrespecting his mother I will not date him. (sisters are included)

[beefche]

I'm considering a relationship because things are just boring right now. There's not much excitement in my day honestly. My decision for about two years was to go in 2014.

Soja, I have to say that has to be one of the worst reasons to be in a relationship. Boredom will cause a perfectly smart person to do some of the most stupid and even dangerous things.

Think mighty long about toying with your future for temporary excitement.

[missionary0204]

RUN!!! I swear a girl always comes around when a guy is trying to go on a mission (personal experience her). Like Joseph of old, she tempted me beyond what I told her the line was and I ran and never looked back no matter how much she begged (non-member).

Serious Note:

I honestly believe that most men can fall in love with just about any girl if you spend enough intimate time with them. It is as if we are wired that way. My warning is for you to make the decision now to only allow yourself to get serious with a daughter of God that is exactly what your looking for in a spouse-member, worthy, honest, and kind. One that will gladly and wilfully walk by your side to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. To many brothers in the gospel let their guard down, emotions go crazy, and they create a life that can be less than what it could have been. There are definately good stories out there, but I find the weight tends to fall on the sad side.

I am not telling you not to teach this girl, but if I am reading your post right, you have a strong infatuation for this girl already. That enticing power can make it hard to think straight, and I would rather see you serve a successful mission than play with fire and get burned. If I'm right, you are interested in being with this girl and not just trying to teach her the gospel. Play it safe brother! Play it safe.

[SOJA]

Soja, a couple more thoughts after reading this.

One, I would think that if you want to serve a mission, regardless if it's now or in the near future, you would prepare yourself with the same mindset and dedication.

Two, if you're just bored with nothing to do, I would encourage you to find a positive outlet for stimulation because an idle mind can lead to trouble. Getting involved with someone that perhaps isn't the best influence (based on your personal goals) may potentially hamper your progression in accomplishing the things you've set yourself out to do.

Thanks, I've never thought about it like that. Thank you.

[BenRaines]

I taught my daughters to be careful with who you date. Your heart doesn't care if they are LDS or not. Just as easy to fall in love with a non LDS person as an LDS person. As someone said focus on your preparation for your mission. There will be plenty of time to date girls when you get home.

I served and one of my daughters did and my son.

Ben Raines

[mirkwood]

Why would you put yourself in a position to potentially fall in love with someone who does not share your values?

[Roseslipper]

the most important things for you to focus on right now is getting good grades in school, and prepairing your self to be the best missionary even if u dont go for another yr or 2. You dont need to get into a serious relationship. The safe way is to play it safe...by trying to ctr...which is not always easy..Nothing wrong with being friendly with non members, thats what being a member missionary is...we need to make ourselves strong by living the gospel, I partied and had fun, but I partied clean...but if the party is a wordly party u should leave...u know whats right and wrong there will always be temptation around us.its best to stay away from it..but some times we might be in the middle of it...its best if we learn to flee from it...dont worry about what others might think of u..Keep to your goals...having righteous goals is not boring, doesnt make u weird, it makes u smart....!!!