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I have been a member of the church my whole life. In my early 20s I strayed from the church and did not participate in church activities for a couple years. During that time I fell in love with a man and married him. Since we have been married I have started showing interest in returning to living a Christ-centered life and through constant prayer I have come to know a fullness in my heart that the church is true and that I want to strive to live my life according to Christ's example. I have become active in church and have a calling. Anyway, I have tried to share this with my husband. He comes to church sometimes, participates in my family's FHE, and he has talked with the missionaries. When he goes to church he seems to enjoy it while e is there. But when we come back home and go back to daily living he seems disinterested. He always tends to find something that he doesn't like about the church. He tries to argue with me sometimes and I don't want to fight. The missionaries have asked him to read the Book of Mormon with me and pray about it. He says he will then when they leave he doesn't want to and complains that they just want to baptize him. I don't think he prays about these things but lives day to day not wanting to focus on spiritual needs. I don't know where his head is at an he doesn't really tell me what he thinks, he just doesn't want to talk about it. We both share strong values about family. But he doesn't like the thought that without baptism and sealing he can't be with his family again, I told him that even of people don't accept the gospel in this life they can accept it in the next life. The both of us do not use alcohol nor tobacco or drugs. But we differ on thoughts of eternal marriage, living the gospel, prayer, scripture. His mother has taught him that he is perfect the way he is and doesn't need to change his ways for anyone or anything. I just don't believe that. I know that this life is a testing to learn from mistakes and constantly strive to become better. Lately my husband seems prideful and irreverent. I had been praying constantly everyday that he may be able to feel the spirit with him that he may become humble and kind. I know it's a process and I'm trying to be patient with him when he acts like this. I am just looking for advice. What can I do to help my home feel peaceful and happy? What can I do to help persuade my husband to find out the truth? I want to be with him I see his potential everyday and know that he is a child of God too. I hope one day that he will come around and we can marry in the temple, any advice please?

Thank you

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I would like to provide some thoughts.

First Experience

In my singles ward, a young lady dated a young boy all through high school. He wasn't a member of our faith. They broke up when she attended UVSC (now UVU). They began conversing again, and then he popped the question, "Will you marry me?"

She spoke with our bishop, and he informed her that it would be a good decision to marry him, after hearing her feelings and how she felt about him. This was 13 years ago, and around 5 years ago he joined the Church.

She was patient, and loving, and allowed him his act according to his moral agency.

Second Experience

On my mission I began teaching a young couple who were dating. He wasn't a member, she was, and she wanted him to be a member so they could be married in the temple.

In our discussions, whenever he answered a question that wasn't the answer she wanted to hear, she would begin crying. It was really hard to keep the spirit in a discussion when a person was using compelling means to create discomfort in the heart of an honest answer. She showed very little patience.

What was most interesting about this young lady, is that I saw her on college campus one day, and when I said "hello" she turned away from me and walked the other way embarrassed that the missionaries would try to speak with her on campus. She wanted him to join a church that she, herself wasn't very active in, and openly ashamed of on campus. Irony.

Third Experience

I met a family, the mother's father didn't join the Church until she was married and had I believe five children at this time.

She mentioned how patient her mother was with her father, always exercising faith that if she properly lived the gospel, prayed with faith, and acted in faith (as Elder Bednar has said, "Holy communication with consecrated work") that he would eventually come around. She would not, and did not use compelling or coercing means, but she would persuade and allow him opportunities to act in faith.

At night and at family meals, she would ask him if he would invite someone to pray. My friend shared, my father would politely decline and then my mother would call on one of her children. Eventually, his heart softened, and he joined the Church.

~~~~~

When you met this young man, you weren't active, and thus it may take some time for your husband to even get used to his wife's change of morals and activities. She is now gone on Sunday for 3 hours, and now prayer and other things are being introduced to his home, that maybe wasn't before. He is now expected to come to church, and take missionary discussions.

This is a lot for anybody to take in. The main point, is that the missionaries must be patient, as well as yourself. Look forward to those opportunities to share how you feel, while remembering to honor his moral agency. Share your love, pray for him, fast for him, and remember to be patient. Even if it takes 10 years, or more, be patient, be loving and be the example the Lord would have you be.

Best wishes.

Edited by Anddenex

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I was going to respond to this, but Anddenex has said more than I would have offered and has said it better than I would have. I recommend his response to you for your consideration.

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My cousin married a man who wasn't a member of the church. He had the missionary discussions numerous times, but he was never ready to get baptized. My cousin remained faithful and dedicated to the Gospel. After more than 20 years, her husband finally joined the church. A year later, they (along with their 12 children) were sealed in the temple. He is now serving in the bishopric of their ward.

My oldest sister married a nonmember. It took him over 30 years before he was baptized. I would like to see them go to the temple. They haven't made it there yet, but I believe they will.

There is no way of knowing how things will work out in the future for you and your husband. Miracles can happen. Remain faithful in the gospel. Show your husband love and understanding, and then prayerfully leave it in the Lord's hands. Follow the Spirit, and follow the inspiration that is given you.

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In addition to Anddenex's words, focus on the positives of the relationship. Desiring a sealing with your spouse, desiring him to one day be baptized... those are great things. But the fact is you married someone who was not a member and I'm pretty darn sure you love this man. Keep doing what you're doing, but appreciate this marriage for what it is and all the good that it is. Not to tell you to give up the dream, but love him as if he will never be baptized.

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Even couples who are both members have things they don't see eye to eye on and it can cause pain in the relationship. For anyone who wants to convince anyone else to see things their way, I suggest the following spiritual exercise.

The law of sacrifice invites us to give up the things that are important to us for things that are more important. So, in this case, you can actually give up your need to be understood in order to to gain the ability to understand others.

So basically what you do is, when you discover a disagreement you have, you pray to be able to understand them and to see things the way they do. The Lord can actually open your eyes so that you see and understand things exactly the way they do.

This understanding that the Lord gives you may allow the other person to understand you better. But even if it doesn't, it does increase the love that you have for the other person. Love is always a good thing. Love is what will ultimately make the difference when we are seeking entrance to the celestial kingdom. Love is what truly seals one person to another. Love helps us let go of the worry and doubt that we have over our loved ones and allows us to serve them selflessly. It's a good thing all around.

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Hello,

I too am married to a non member. I've learned key principals of the gospel while struggling with not having a temple marriage. First and foremost, I have learned to respect his agency to not want to have much to do with my religion. I believe he has read anti-mormon material and chooses to believe it. But, it's not mine to tell him he is wrong or to disregard, to any degree, his agency. This means no cajoling or forcing him to accept my testimony or beliefs. He goes to church with me sometimes; but, he does it to support me, not because he believes it.

Anyway, because I chose to marry outside of the temple, while I mourn this, I know we are counselled not to get divorced. So, my goal is to never punish my husband for what I chose to do. To work on loving him with the pure love of Christ and to do my part in our marriage. Which means giving my all to making it a loving and kind relationship.....

I hope this helps.

Dove

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The best thing to do is that if you want to live as Christ would want, you should love your husband unconditionally, even if he never gets baptized in this life. If you believe in the Articles of Faith as being spiritually inspired, then you should especially follow the 11th one in this situation. Divorcing someone because they're not going to convert to please the spouse is one of the stupidest reasons for divorce if he's not abusive or committing adultery. Also, if someone converts, it should be because they made that choice for themselves, and NOT to please anyone else, even if they're married to a member.

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The best thing to do is that if you want to live as Christ would want, you should love your husband unconditionally, even if he never gets baptized in this life. If you believe in the Articles of Faith as being spiritually inspired, then you should especially follow the 11th one in this situation. Divorcing someone because they're not going to convert to please the spouse is one of the stupidest reasons for divorce if he's not abusive or committing adultery. Also, if someone converts, it should be because they made that choice for themselves, and NOT to please anyone else, even if they're married to a member.

I like what you said for the most part......except saying that divorcing someone because they're not going to convert is "one of the stupidest reasons for divorce...."

How do you know? Are you married to a nonmember? Have you ever struggled with remorse over choosing something other than a temple marriage?

While I wouldn't divorce my husband over him not converting, I know the struggle of feeling that I have lost my exaltation because of not being sealed in the temple....The Doctrine and Covenants is very explicit about this. And while I won't do it, even though it's been tempting at times, I know others who have divorced because of this. It's a sinking feeling to know I've forfeited the eternal blessings of exaltation because I chose to marry someone who loves me so well~ It's painful and difficult. There are no easy answers when there are religious differences in a marriage.

So please don't assume we're stupid idiots for this crossing our minds when we're wrestling with the ramifications of choosing to not marry in the temple. They are quite serious, eternal ramifications....

Dove

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It's a sinking feeling to know I've forfeited the eternal blessings of exaltation because I chose to marry someone who loves me so well~ It's painful and difficult. There are no easy answers when there are religious differences in a marriage.

Dove

Dove, I appreciate your comment and the honest declaration of your heart, however please do not discount our Heavenly Father's mercy on behalf of his daughters.

Remember Esther, who married outside of the Israel's covenant. I do not believe Esther will loose her exaltation because she technically married a nonmember.

I remember a talk given describing two types of judgments: intermediate and eternal. Intermediate judgements we make everyday, and are ours to make. Example, we make judgement calls regarding who we marry and who we don't, however eternal judgements are not ours to make.

This especially includes eternal judgements toward ourselves. I know of no scripture which specifies you have "forfeited" your eternal salvation or exaltation. :)

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I have been a member of the church my whole life. In my early 20s I strayed from the church and did not participate in church activities for a couple years. During that time I fell in love with a man and married him.

...

What can I do to help my home feel peaceful and happy?

Stop pinning your happiness on his beliefs. You got what you married - you don't get to be unhappy with getting what you married.

What can I do to help persuade my husband to find out the truth?

Be a good example, and stop trying to persuade him to your way of thinking.

Do you have children?

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Dove, I appreciate your comment and the honest declaration of your heart, however please do not discount our Heavenly Father's mercy on behalf of his daughters.

Remember Esther, who married outside of the Israel's covenant. I do not believe Esther will loose her exaltation because she technically married a nonmember.

I remember a talk given describing two types of judgments: intermediate and eternal. Intermediate judgements we make everyday, and are ours to make. Example, we make judgement calls regarding who we marry and who we don't, however eternal judgements are not ours to make.

This especially includes eternal judgements toward ourselves. I know of no scripture which specifies you have "forfeited" your eternal salvation or exaltation. :)

Thanks for the kind response, Andennex;

There are some verses in the Doctrine and Covenants that leave me feeling that I've lost my exaltation. They are Doctrine and Covenants 132:15-17;

"Therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead, and when they are out of the world: therefore, they are not bound by any law when they are out of the world.

Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage: but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight and glory.

For these angels did not abide my law: therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity: and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever."

This is all pretty damning, to me.....I don't know. If you know of any verse of scripture or doctrine that makes a second chance available, I would be interested.

The only thing I can think of is that hopefully, through the atonement of our Saviour, I can "repent" by being faithful and true to my husband, and perhaps it will be taken care of at some time.....But, I don't know.

Thanks

Dove

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No, we don't have any children and it seems that he doesn't want to have any kids anytime soon but I would like children if he would agree to it...

I would strongly suggest you avoid having children, until both of you are perfectly comfortable with which religious beliefs you'll raise them.

If your husband is just fine with them going with you to church, getting baptized, and paying tithing, if he's fine supporting them financially if they go on missions, if he's ok with maybe not being able to attend their sealing, then have children.

Conversely, if you're ok with them staying home with Dad on Sunday, if you're ok with them not really seeing the need to develop a testimony, if it's ok with you if they just decide to stop going to church entirely someday, then have children.

If you and husband are somewhere in the middle of those two extremes, then you're basically pulling innocent children into a situation where they'll be used as pawns in their parent's power struggles. I grew up with a little bit of that, not much, but just enough to make me feel like my choices meant betraying one parent or the other.

It wasn't a fun position to be in as a kid.

Edited by Loudmouth_Mormon

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If you and husband are somewhere in the middle of those two extremes, then you're basically pulling innocent children into a situation where they'll be used as pawns in their parent's power struggles. I grew up with a little bit of that, not much, but just enough to make me feel like my choices meant betraying one parent or the other.

It wasn't a fun position to be in as a kid.

My father has always been strongly active in the church. When I was about nine years old my mom became inactive but she always encouraged us to go to church. Looking back I remember feeling sad that she chose not to go with us. She has never been very supportive of my fathers callings in the church. Recently she has started going back to church within the past year and just got her temple recommend. It gives me some hope, but I see where it can be difficult for children and often confusing.

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Thanks for the kind response, Andennex;

There are some verses in the Doctrine and Covenants that leave me feeling that I've lost my exaltation. They are Doctrine and Covenants 132:15-17;

"Therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead, and when they are out of the world: therefore, they are not bound by any law when they are out of the world.

Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage: but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight and glory.

For these angels did not abide my law: therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity: and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever."

This is all pretty damning, to me.....I don't know. If you know of any verse of scripture or doctrine that makes a second chance available, I would be interested.

The only thing I can think of is that hopefully, through the atonement of our Saviour, I can "repent" by being faithful and true to my husband, and perhaps it will be taken care of at some time.....But, I don't know.

Thanks

Dove

If your spouse were to pass away before you though couldn't you do his temple work for him and also be sealed to him that way?

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Thanks for the kind response, Andennex;

There are some verses in the Doctrine and Covenants that leave me feeling that I've lost my exaltation. They are Doctrine and Covenants 132:15-17;

I recognize the force behind these words, and then my mind reflects upon Esther who married a nonmember, a King, and I am pretty sure Esther's exaltation isn't forfeit.

Thus, when reading this verse I often wonder what The Lord was meaning, especially seeing their are daughters who have married nonmembers, and who I don't believe will loose their exaltation with Heavenly Father.

In my ward a middle aged woman spoke, she was single and very lonely. She shared how she prayed that a way would be opened up for her to meet a worthy man. The worthy man The Lord sent was a nonmember. Yes, he is now a member of the Church and they are sealed, however, I find it interesting The Lord directed a nonmember to her, despite this verse and its interpretation.

What I am truly saying Dove, is don't provide yourself with an eternal judgment. The adversary would like you to believe your exaltation is forfeit, The Lord however, his hand is out stretched still, and his final judgement is still to come, and I believe more merciful.

:)

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To the OP, yes, the missionaries do just want to baptize him, that's their job. He's probably thinking they don't actually care about him but just want to score another baptism. Perfectly understandable viewpoint because he's partially right. Here's a blog post about this particular subject that I found helpful: Pure Mormonism: Why Don’t They Like Us?

I'm married to a nonmember as well, and I have to just love my husband anyway, and never expect him to get baptized. I have to rely on the Lord all the time, every day, so I don't ever put undue pressure on him.

Before we married he even offered to get baptized that he'd pretend to believe and eventually he'll believe his own lie and believe it. I told him no. That he would be living a lie, lying to me, and worse lying to God. That is not what are to do.

So, allow him to have his spiritual path. There are some issues with our religion that may crop up, and just love him and listen to him about those issues. This hour long video may be of help to you. It is done by a faithful member of the church. HOWEVER, it lists some hard things in it that may shake you up and may cause you to doubt you faith, but if you look at is as a refiners fire it'll be okay. There are some issues here that are things my own husband has problems with and it's only relatively recently that I've been of a mind to explore such things. I have been slow in understanding his viewpoint. But now that I am understanding it better I feel that I have become more spiritually fulfilled.

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If your spouse were to pass away before you though couldn't you do his temple work for him and also be sealed to him that way?

Yes, absolutely (assuming his relatives don't put up a big stink).

As my father was nearing the end of his life, I let him know that I was going to seal him to all three of his wives, and asked him if there was any particular order he wanted. He thought for a minute and said "It doesn't matter, they're all in hell anyway." :D

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Good afternoon Dove. I hope you are doing well today! =)

While I wouldn't divorce my husband over him not converting, I know the struggle of feeling that I have lost my exaltation because of not being sealed in the temple....The Doctrine and Covenants is very explicit about this. And while I won't do it, even though it's been tempting at times, I know others who have divorced because of this. It's a sinking feeling to know I've forfeited the eternal blessings of exaltation because I chose to marry someone who loves me so well~ It's painful and difficult. There are no easy answers when there are religious differences in a marriage.

Dove, I don't believe this for a second. If you keep your covenants, the ones that you have made, and remain faithful to the end you will in no wise lose your reward.

You may have postponed the blessings of temple marriage, but I hardly believe you have forfeited them.

Regards,

Finrock

Edited by Finrock

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Andennex and Finrock;

Thanks so much for the kind words and reassurance. I have grieved over this for many years. No worries, though, as I grieve a lot generally in my life. I believe because of childhood abuse by my dad and a disposition towards depression....

You know, it's interesting. About a week before I met my husband for the second time, I had been praying to find a spouse....It was very directed how we came together. My husband had resigned himself to not being married due to not being with/married to me. There was a day where everything just came together and my brother, playing matchmaker, scheduled a date for us. Beau and I had known each other years before. He was my first....At that time he didn't feel right about us getting married and I was trying to repent. So, we broke up. Then, all these years later, the Lord orchestrated us meeting together again.......So, I need to forgive myself for following the Spirit. My husband loves me soo much. I believe the Lord knew I really needed that......

I have often felt the promptings of the Spirit guiding me to go back to the temple. I have long been inactive. I still battle smoking. I really want to go.

Thanks again. I feel better relating this story. I think what I do to become worthy will play greatly into whether or not my husband and I will be sealed eternally. Your prayers would be much appreciated.

Dove

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I think what I do to become worthy will play greatly into whether or not my husband and I will be sealed eternally. Your prayers would be much appreciated.

Dove

This is true for both you and the OP. Make the decisions in your life to live worthily, and allow the workings of the spirit to work within you and your husband.

:)

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It sounds like your husband is feeling pressured and hassled OP. I know you want him to convert but if he's feeling pushed towards it he's probably just going run in the opposite direction. I would back off for now and just be the best example of Mormonism you can be. Remind yourself of all the things you love about him and find ways to show him every day. Invite him to church activities but don't push him if he doesn't want to go. I also agree very strongly with LM that before you have kids with him sit down and make sure you are on the same page about how to raise them. Will he mind you taking them to church, teaching them to read scripture and pray, getting them baptized. It's really not fair to the kids to not iron this out before they are born and then make them the center of a battle over religion.

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Good evening or morning Dove. I hope you are doing well! :)

So, I need to forgive myself for following the Spirit. My husband loves me soo much. I believe the Lord knew I really needed that...

If you were following the promptings of the Spirit then you did the right thing. It's really that simple. God does know your individual needs. As you've experienced before, trust Him still; with a hope that someday you will enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

I say it again, for what it's worth, I can see no reason why you should be giving up hope on having an eternal marriage and enjoying exaltation with your husband!

I have often felt the promptings of the Spirit guiding me to go back to the temple. I have long been inactive. I still battle smoking. I really want to go.

You are right. You ought to follow these promptings to get to the temple. Do whatever it takes to get there. Give up any sin to do it!

First, living worthy of a temple recommend will increase the likelihood of you feeling more happy and less depressed.

Second, attending the temple regularly and consistently will bring understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ and it will bring God's power and His blessings in to your life.

I know this by experience.

I think what I do to become worthy will play greatly into whether or not my husband and I will be sealed eternally.

Dove

Absolutely! You are in a position to be a shining example of discipleship to your husband.

In this month's First Presidency Message President Uchtdorf quotes St. Francis of Assisi, who wrote, “Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words” (Source).

Respectfully,

Finrock

Edited by Finrock

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Yesterday I was preparing for church and my husband begged me to stay home and said, "You must not love me then." It seemed like he was joking but I'm unsure and don't know what to say to something like that. I just replied, "I do love you very much." Last night he told me that he would be praying for me to know the truth and hopes that I go back to my "old self". Has anyone else had any experiences like this with a non-member spouse? Thanks :confused:

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