What are your expectations for your spouse?

[Bini]

I have a friend that says she has no expectations for her husband. None. He does what he does and he'll do what he'll do. I asked her what expectations she had for him before marriage and she said she didn't really have any. I think this lack of expectations is partly why their marriage is so rocky. And now, attempting to set any kind of expectation is tricky.

What expectations do you have for your spouse? Were they established during courtship? Or, were they established after marriage? Does your spouse honour your expectations? What happens when expectations are not met?

[NeuroTypical]

Interesting. So, she does not even expect fidelity out of him? Why bother calling that a marriage at all?

My wife has what she calls "deal breakers". Basically, behaviors that she will leave the marriage over. Violence, child abuse, that sort of thing. I'm assuming that the average married person has a similar obvious list in the back of their minds, unspoken. She had encountered such behaviors in the past, some within her own family, so she felt them worth specifically mentioning.

[Guest]

No expectations here either. None.

Expectations mean consequences for them not getting met. It's what I do to the kids. They don't clean their room, they don't get to play video games. Not something I can do with the husband. "You don't mow the lawn, you don't get dinner...". Not gonna work. Or even, "You stay faithful, or else..." Or else what? I'll divorce him? Not gonna happen. In our marriage, divorce is not an option. So, I chose to marry a guy who I know wants to be faithful to his wife, not somebody I "expect" to be faithful to his wife.

Our relationship is such that we both agree that we are a forever family and we both want to do everything in our power to keep it that way. That's why I married the chap. So, I trust that whatever he does - whether I agree with it or not - is done with his family in mind. Now, there are things we don't agree on (or one of us gets stupid about) so we get to discuss it - sometimes in a healthy discussion over dinner and sometimes with dinner plates flying... but, somehow, we get through it and move forward. He used to play too much video games. I told him he needs to stop playing too much because it's taking too much time away from the marriage. It took me a year or two to finally blow a gasket and throw the games away. I wouldn't really call it an expectation. There are things that need to be accomplished somehow and if something is in the way of it, that something needs to be dealt with somehow. It's a problem-solving exercise.

Edited July 23, 2013 by anatess

[Bini]

Interesting. So, she does not even expect fidelity out of him? Why bother calling that a marriage at all?

My wife has what she calls "deal breakers". Basically, behaviors that she will leave the marriage over. Violence, child abuse, that sort of thing. I'm assuming that the average married person has a similar obvious list in the back of their minds, unspoken. She had encountered such behaviors in the past, some within her own family, so she felt them worth specifically mentioning.

LM, not even fidelity. But that's part of the problem. He has a history of inappropriate relationships with other women and she won't address it. She has confided in me that she will never leave because she can't survive being a single mother without an education (doesn't even have GED).

[prisonchaplain]

Or even, "You stay faithful, or else..." Or else what? I'll divorce him? Not gonna happen. So, I chose to marry a guy who I know wants to be faithful to his wife, not somebody I "expect" to be faithful to his wife.

I understand...but wow. I expect my wife to be faithful to me, and she expects that of me. We do not discuss this. We both assume that should we fail in this the consequences could be dire indeed. No threats are verbalized, but no guarantees of a return to the status quo ante either.

[Suzie]

Expectations mean consequences for them not getting met. It's what I do to the kids. They don't clean their room, they don't get to play video games. Not something I can do with the husband.

He used to play too much video games. I told him he needs to stop playing too much because it's taking time away from the marriage. It took me a year or two to finally blow a gasket and throw the games away. I wouldn't really call it an expectation. There are things that need to be accomplished somehow and if something is in the way of it, that something needs to be dealt with somehow. It's a problem-solving exercise.

Anatess, not trying to nitpick but, telling your husband he needs to "stop" playing games and then throwing away his games is a behavior that a parent would impose to a child. I am not saying you did something wrong, I am trying to analyze your reasoning since you said expectations mean consequences for things that aren't met and it's something you do with kids and you cannot do with your husband.

But:

A. "Stop playing games, it's taking away time from our marriage". (This is your expectation from him which is: Do not do anything that takes away time from our marriage).

B: Throwing the games away after a year or two (This is the consequence when those expectations haven't been met to your satisfaction).

[Bini]

I won't speak for my husband but here's mine. I expect my husband to be faithful, to provide (to the best of his ability) for our family, and to take care of himself (making an effort to be healthy both physically and mentally). My "deal breakers" are: infidelity and hurting our children. I can stand by my man on everything else.

[Bini]

Anatess, not meaning to nitpick either, but throwing away your husband's video games out of frustration/anger probably isn't the best reaction. This kind of behaviour (getting rid of something belonging to your husband without his consent) is destructive. To me it seems like your expectations should be discussed instead of waiting for your gasket to blow, and you blow up.

[Traveler]

To be honest, I specifically chose my wife based on my expectations of her. It is true that we have been through a lot over the years of raising our children. But I planned and took my beloved wife to the temple and included G-d in our eternal covenant of marriage because of my expectations of her and my self. I am also well aware that during all this my wife chose me and a covenant in the temple with G-d for the same reasons.

It is not just about my expectations or even the expectations of my wife but the very expectations of G-d to which I believe we are accountable. The 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants states very clearly that unless we fulfill the expectations of G-d in our marriages that our marriage will end when we die.

I am sorry my dear friend Anatress - but you might as well have divine expectations concerning your temple marriage because it will end if the covenant is not maintained through faith, trust and expectation. I really do not know how one can have faith without expectations. Maybe something is missing in my understanding of your post - but I honestly do not see that one can have faith in G-d, their spouse and their temple marriage with expectations.

The Traveler

[Backroads]

While I think I lean more towards "dealbreakers", the term "expectations" seems more positive.

I expect fidelity, caring behavior towards myself, baby, and any future children, responsibility in his role as provider, and respect.

[NeuroTypical]

Dr. Laura's "3 A's": Abuse, adultry, addiction.

(We've sort of been conditioned to think of bad habits as addictions. She's talking about "lose your job and the house, and soon someone's life" sort of addictions.)

[Guest]

I expect my husband to keep his covenants with me and do his level best to support our family. He expects me to keep my covenants with him and to keep the home and care for the children. We help each other where needed. Seems like we read that somewhere. . .

[mnn727]

I expect that they can qualify for a Temple Recommend - if they can do that then they are living the kind of life I want my spouse to live.

Are there deal breakers? Yes, infidelity and smoking

[Wingnut]

While I think I lean more towards "dealbreakers", the term "expectations" seems more positive.

I think I have both. I have expectations, but then I also have absolute dealbreakers. Gambling is a dealbreaker for me. Honestly, I think my husband and I could come back from infidelity (whether or not we'd want to is another conversation, though). My husband expects me to maintain an orderly household, but the fact that I'm really bad at it isn't necessarily a dealbreaker.

[Lakumi]

Anatess, not trying to nitpick but, telling your husband he needs to "stop" playing games and then throwing away his games is a behavior that a parent would impose to a child. I am not saying you did something wrong, I am trying to analyze your reasoning since you said expectations mean consequences for things that aren't met and it's something you do with kids and you cannot do with your husband.

But:

A. "Stop playing games, it's taking away time from our marriage". (This is your expectation from him which is: Do not do anything that takes away time from our marriage).

B: Throwing the games away after a year or two (This is the consequence when those expectations haven't been met to your satisfaction).

oh man, there would SO be a divorce if someone threw away my prized things (eg my dolls)

that's my expectation- never touch the dolls, they were there long before she was and would be there long after the marriage (I assume) crumbled (not that I would be mad enough to ever get married, I can't even hold a basic friendship)

[pam]

oh man, there would SO be a divorce if someone threw away my prized things (eg my dolls)

that's my expectation- never touch the dolls, they were there long before she was and would be there long after the marriage (I assume) crumbled (not that I would be mad enough to ever get married, I can't even hold a basic friendship)

I don't think you'll have any worries over that.

[Lakumi]

I don't think you'll have any worries over that.

I know that was a dig but I'm going to generally ignore it, I enjoy my solitude, what can I say

[pam]

I know that was a dig but I'm going to generally ignore it, I enjoy my solitude, what can I say

Wasn't a dig at all. Just meant that ball jointed dolls is an acquired taste and you probably wouldn't have to worry about someone else messing with them.

[Guest]

If my husband had them I'd ask him to keep them in a padlocked room, and I might sleep with an ax under my pillow.

[Windseeker]

Wasn't a dig at all. Just meant that ball jointed dolls is an acquired taste and you probably wouldn't have to worry about someone else messing with them.

If kids ever come along I would put them on a very high shelf

..bolted to the wall

.........under bullet proof glass

.................in a fire proof safe

[pam]

If kids ever come along I would put them on a very high shelf

..bolted to the wall

.........under bullet proof glass

.................in a fire proof safe

I see you find them valuable as well.

[Lakumi]

If kids ever come along I would put them on a very high shelf

..bolted to the wall

.........under bullet proof glass

.................in a fire proof safe

I shouldn't have kids little good can come of it

its acquired yes, but I certainly know a lot of people who have them (though they are just as anti social as I am so I highly doubt any of them are going to get married ever either, and I am the youngest of my friends, at 24)

[Lakumi]

If my husband had them I'd ask him to keep them in a padlocked room, and I might sleep with an ax under my pillow.

one of them has a little knife, I would have her hold it and scare people at Denny's when my friends and I had our "doll meets"

[Suzie]

Geez, my curiosity is killing me. What are you guys talking about?

[Guest]

one of them has a little knife, I would have her hold it and scare people at Denny's when my friends and I had our "doll meets"

Speechless.