Funeral viewings

[Bini]

Have you ever regretted NOT attending a funeral "viewing" by choice of someone you love? Was attending the burial enough?

Thanks.

[Guest]

I don't attend a funeral viewing. I only attend the Church Service - not even the burial - if there's one.

I've only been to 2 viewings in my long life - my grandfather's and my dad's.

I live by the policy that I don't want the funeral to be my last memory of people I care about.

[Wingnut]

Are we talking about three different events here?

Viewing/wake (informal gathering, sometimes at a funeral home, sometimes in the family home)

Funeral (formal memorial ceremony, sometimes at a church or funeral home, sometimes graveside)

Burial (often reserved for family and very close friends)

[NeuroTypical]

I'm assuming Bini's talking about viewing as in an open casket where people can see and be next to the deceased one last time.

From my perspective (and I know other people have other perspectives), funerals are to serve the living. The living get served in different ways. Some people find closure with one final opportunity to say goodbye, and viewings fill a need for them. Other people don't relish that opportunity so much.

I've been to plenty of viewings, but I'm ok if there isn't one or I miss one. My mom had one, my dad did not. It's all good here.

[MorningStar]

When I don't attend the viewing, it takes a lot longer for it to seem real to me. The first death I ever experienced as a child, I didn't get to see my uncle and to make matters worse, he had a brother who looked almost exactly like him. At first I wondered if someone was playing a cruel joke. I almost blurted out, "You're not dead!"

It depends on how close I was to the person.

[Guest]

The only ones I've attended were of grandparents when I was younger. Generally I just go to the service, and then burial if it's someone close.

I don't really understand viewings, beyond close family. But everyone needs to mourn in their own way.

[pam]

I very rarely going to a viewing. I've been to a few but only because they were people extremely close to me. Usually I just attend the funeral.

And there have been a couple that I've gone to the viewing because I had other obligations that didn't allow me to attend the funeral.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I used to hate viewings. I didn't go to my mother-in-law's and had no regrets. But my sister totally changed the way I view death and viewings when our mother died. Here's what I wrote about it for my blog:

Care-giving. What comes to your mind with those words? For some it means changing diapers and holding babies. Others might think of caring for the sick or elderly. We can also be care providers for our pets and other animals. Recently, my sister taught me about a different kind of care-giving. Caring for our dead.

I have always felt uncomfortable at funerals and viewings. I have never dealt with death well. (What is dealing well anyway? What I mean is funerals completely unhinge me.) When my mother-in-law passed away, I decided that I did not want to attend the viewing. I wanted my last memory of her to be when she was alive. And so it is.

It’s a lovely memory as far as good-byes go. I mean, good-byes are never easy, but with my mother-in-law, we knew the end was near and all the family gathered around and had a chance to say good-bye. I remember her lying in her hospital bed taking a moment to talk to each child, and grandchild individually.

So I didn’t attend my mother-in-law’s viewing. I decided this was a much better way, for me at least, to deal with death. I would have avoided my own mother’s viewing also–if it weren’t for my sister, Ginger.

Because of my discomfort with death, I was surprised when Ginger told me that she planned to help prepare my Mom for the viewing. She wanted to help with Mom’s hair, make-up and nails. In spite of my discomfort with the idea, I couldn’t help but think that would be a beautiful act of service on Ginger’s part. If I am honest, I guess I felt a little jealous. Still I didn’t think it was something I could ever do.

When the day of the viewing arrived, my feelings had not changed. But I couldn’t bear to let my sister go to the mortuary alone. To be fair, she would not have been alone, her husband, Chuck, a wonderful guy, was going with her. Still somehow I felt that it was my job as her sister to help. I would not have felt any better if one of my brothers had gone. This was a “sister thing”. (This is a Leslie rule, so don’t feel bad if you never heard of it.)

So with deep reservations, I accompanied them to the mortuary. When the mortician met us at the door with a friendly smile, I have to confess, I was a bit suspicious at first. How dare he smile, and who would choose a profession like this, anyway? (My own fears were speaking here, of course. Since I am uncomfortable with death, anyone who isn’t is suspect.)

Ginger had brought some of my mother’s things to decorate the room where the viewing would be held. Since I was initially reluctant to go to “the room in the back”. I was assigned the job of decorating. Having some quiet time alone with my mother’s cherished things, presenting them lovingly for others to view brought some torn pieces of my heart back into place. I finished before they were done in “the back room”. so I enjoyed a little more time of quiet contemplation and healing.

I cherish the time I spent alone with my mom’s things, listening to a Marty Robbins CD on the overhead speakers (the mortuary staff had inquired earlier about music and this was agreed upon.) Perhaps it was my sister’s example, or setting out my mother’s things, but something in me shifted. When Ginger came out for a moment, I decided that I wanted to go with her to “the back room”.

When I first entered, seeing my mother lying on a table, with her open coffin near-by was a bit of a shock and I took a seat in the farthest chair, for a moment, questioning my decision. But as the mortician, Tim, and Ginger worked, and carried on a light banter with Chuck; I found the courage to venture closer.

My mom had always said she wanted to be buried in her boots. Ginger chose for her some beautiful moccasin-type boots that my mom had adored. Slowly, I worked up from her boots, to her black pants, her shirt with geometric diamonds in a dark burgundy to her face. She looked so peaceful that I smiled through my tears.

Ginger was standing at her head curling her hair. Tim was putting make-up on her hands. Perhaps it was the peaceful expression on my mother’s face that helped me to see what loving gestures these were. Not only on the part of my sister, but Tim as well. In that moment, I understood that care-giving does not end with death. Hesitantly, I reached out and put my hand on my mom’s arm.

That evening during the viewing, the same Marty Robbins CD played. My mom would have loved it. I told someone teasingly that Marty Robbins was ruined for me because in the future whenever I hear “El Paso” or his other songs, I will be taken back to that mortuary. I realize now though that ‘ruined’ is the wrong word because whenever I hear Marty Robbins, I will remember–not only my mother’s peaceful expression, but Ginger’s loving act of care-giving.

And I will smile at the beauty and wonder of it.

Link to blog post: What My Sister Taught Me About Caregiving

Edited February 28, 2014 by LiterateParakeet

[Backroads]

No.

I do make it a point to try to attend viewings and funerals as a courtesy to others, but for me they don't seem to be necessary for my mourning.

I recall even the funerals and viewings of beloved family members. While it's probably true I would have regretted not attending them, I felt at those times my mourning lay outside the service.

When I've been unable to make it to viewings, no, I don't feel bad about it.

[classylady]

For me, it often depends on how well I know the deceased. If it's a casual acquaintance, then depending on my time constraints, I might only attend the viewing usually held the night before the funeral. If the funeral is on a day I don't have to work, then I try to attend the funeral. There are times when I've only attended the viewing because of a prior commitment (or couldn't get off work) and would not be able to attend the funeral. And the same, I might only attend the funeral, depending on when the funeral is held, such as a work day or not.

If it's a family member, then I try to attend both viewing and funeral. It seems like at the viewing I have a better chance of talking with the family and being a support to them.

[Guest]

Great post, LP!

My first death experience is my seatmate in 3rd grade. She told me she has Leukemia. I didn't know what it was so I thought it was just like the Fever. So I told my dad, you know, my friend has Leukemia that is why she has been absent a lot. My dad said, you must be mistaken. It's probably pneumonia, not Leukemia. Leukemia is a type of Cancer. I knew Cancer = dead, so I believed my dad. So then my friend was absent again and our Language Teacher got frustrated and expressed in class - you need to tell your parents that you have to be in school! You can't be absent all the time! So, I told the teacher, but she has pneumonia. And my teacher said, well, she's lying because pneumonia doesn't last for months. Well, she went back to school for one day... and so I told her what my teacher said and she told me, she has Leukemia, not pneumonia, and so I said - but that means you're going to die. And she said, yes, she's going to die soon and that it's okay because it's just another part of life like moving to America and that we'll see each other again when it's my time. And that, she is excited to be with God earlier than everybody in our class. A few days later, she died.

Ever since then, I've always been comfortable with death. It's just another part of life. Like what my friend said... like moving to America...

I told my dad I didn't want to attend the funeral. But he did take me to her Mass and to her house to talk to her parents a few days after the burial. We looked through her school pictures and such. Ever since then, I don't attend funerals. I only attend Mass or whatever church service they have.

Except for my grandpa and my dad... because we hosted the viewing. My grandpa and my dad were very well loved - we had at least 100 people everyday, with guests in and out 24 hours a day, and we served food and drinks and held daily mass and novena and all that stuff... I needed to help out with the hosting... the thing was not for me, though... it was for the people who loved my dad who needed their own way of mourning.

For all the other deaths I've experienced, I offer my support in other ways in lieu of attending the funeral.

Edited February 28, 2014 by anatess

[beefche]

Unless it is family or a close friend, I normally am not able to attend the funeral. Funerals usually take place during the day and not very often on weekends.

I will attend the viewing, but I don't approach the body. I, too, have no desire to have my last thoughts of someone's body in a casket. But, I do express my condolences to the family of the deceased at the viewing.

In my neck of the woods, the burial is for anyone wanting to be there. I don't think I've ever seen that the burial is for close family only. I've attended the burial of complete strangers (I knew a family member of the deceased, but I didn't know the deceased).

[Lakumi]

When I die, my funeral will be one last... I guess display of personal insanity I could muster

There'll be a clown, (the whole thing being done in a prop pirate ship) and he spins what is called the wheel of religion (assuming I don't have one when I die) and the religion is done in that religion.

When the entire thing is done the person dressed as a grim reaper (who is to be standing off to the side for the whole time) comes and takes the urn with my ashes.

The next day my tomb stone is placed in the cemetary, a featureless black monolith.

The ashes will be mixed into concrete and tossed into the ocean.

Better start saving now my funeral sounds expensive... and I'll have to miss it:lol:

[Guest]

Okay, I'm starting to feel confused about the words...

Here's how I understand this:

Viewing - that time between death and burial where the casket is displayed for all to see. In Catholic tradition, this includes the novena rosary and prayer for the soul of the departed.

Church Service - that event where the dead person is given last blessings by religious authority.

Burial - when the body goes no a procession to the grave and put in the ground.

Funeral - The entire thing from Viewing to Church Service to Burial.

I'm confused about the Funeral. I'm not sure anymore what that encompasses.

[Lakumi]

Okay, I'm starting to feel confused about the words...

Here's how I understand this:

Viewing - that time between death and burial where the casket is displayed for all to see. In Catholic tradition, this includes the novena rosary and prayer for the soul of the departed.

Church Service - that event where the dead person is given last blessings by religious authority.

Burial - when the body goes no a procession to the grave and put in the ground.

Funeral - The entire thing from Viewing to Church Service to Burial.

I'm confused about the Funeral. I'm not sure anymore what that encompasses.

All I know is if on the wheel "bankrupt" is spun, then there will be no religion involved in mine...

[Woodendance]

For my Grandfather I was closes to I did not go to his viewing or even his funeral. I regret it now even 11 years later. But I didn't go because I was flat out angry with him. He was a heavy smoker who got lung cancer. I had been asking him for years to quit.

I have gone to other's viewings and funerals. Many times they actually didn't allow anyone to attend the burial at those funerals.

[Bini]

LP, that was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your very personal experience. I can relate to your story but I was not a family member.

My initial instinct is that I'd rather have the last memory of someone close to me alive and not cold - tucked neatly away in a box. Death itself does not make me uncomfortable but I've worked with the dead when I did hospice and rehab, even postmortem cleanup prior to the mortuary arriving, so I'm probably just a little more used to it.

Anyway, still deciding on things.

[beefche]

Okay, I'm starting to feel confused about the words...

Here's how I understand this:

Viewing - that time between death and burial where the casket is displayed for all to see. In Catholic tradition, this includes the novena rosary and prayer for the soul of the departed.

Church Service - that event where the dead person is given last blessings by religious authority.

Burial - when the body goes no a procession to the grave and put in the ground.

Funeral - The entire thing from Viewing to Church Service to Burial.

I'm confused about the Funeral. I'm not sure anymore what that encompasses.

The funeral is the services given to the living about the deceased. Usually has an eulogy which is a talk about the deceased person (usually sentimental or humorous) and then some kind of religious talk (if the person was religious).

Around my parts, a non-Catholic funeral consists of the viewing (at the funeral home or at the church), the funeral services, and the burial.

[mnn727]

I almost never go to viewings, been to maybe 4 in my lifetime (3 while under 21) - last one was my FiL, they had him made up so awfully he looked like a cartoon character - just reinforced my opinion of viewings. The 'spirit' is gone, why visit an empty shell?

[Iggy]

Before I was endowed, I went to viewings and then the funeral services but NEVER the internment.

After endowment, I dressed my MIL for burial. She was cremated and we had her memorial service about a month later when the out of state relatives could get there.

Her viewing was for the non-LDS family. She was in her Temple & ritual clothes (approved by the Stake President), and cremated in them.

We went to a restaurant close to the funeral home on the day of the viewing - NOTE: She was traveling with her middle son and wife when she passed, they were in Missouri and the law there is ALL must have autopsy. The funeral home in Missouri did a BAD job of preparing her for travel home for burial. BAD-

So, after the RS President and I finished with the dressing, the viewing only lasted 3 hours - At the restaurant we sat with the non-LDS family and talked for hours about her. The conversation turned to her clothing, and husband and I explained the garments she was wearing. This in turn led to a discussion/explanation of The Plan of Salvation. The women asked my why I was tearing up, I didn't even have a chance to get to know my MIL-

I explained as briefly as I could how the Missouri ME and the funeral home had done such a horrible job on her. That is what teared me up. I saw the dis-respect done to her and it hurt deeply.

Her youngest son disrespected her as a direct result of his involvement in drugs - meth and pot, he pimped her out for years until my husband (eldest son) and I moved to her town and took her from him (she was in last stages of Alzheimers). Then as a final slap in the face to have these professionals dis-respect her too.

I told these non-LDS family members of hers how thankful I was that she was on the other side of the veil now, and that was the END of the disrespect. She had gone through the door to the next part of her life. Shed her mortal body for a season.

All of these family members came to the LDS memorial. I have been to many LDS funeral/memorial services in the past. This one lasted nearly 2 hours - with many church members she knew going to the podium.

I did not attend the internment of her urn at graveside. It was 110 degrees out and I could not handle that heat coupled with the wind. But there at graveside, Husband dedicated the grave, and the family members were encouraged to express their feelings. Two hours later they returned to the meetinghouse for the luncheon provided by the Casa Grande Stake.

I prefer not to go to the internment. Whether I view the body before the services or not, it just doesn't matter. I viewed my little sister, Dad, Grandmother, Mom, oldest Sister and many, many friends - I remember them from life and from the viewing. Going to the internment is like torture to me. I leave after the graveside has been dedicated and sit in the car.

I return often afterwards, to sit in the peace and serenity. When I can afford it, and if the cemetery will allow it, I would like to have a cement bench put up at my little sisters grave - so there is a comfortable place to sit and not have to bring a folding lawn chair.

Funerals, memorials, viewings are all for the living. I want my funeral/memorial to be a happy affair. For my family and friends to gather, renew friendships, and rejoice that I have gone through the door to my next phase of my life.

[bytebear]

This may sound strange, but my first funeral was when I was maybe 8 years old. My grandpa took me to the viewing of a neighbor. I guess it was for me to experience it, but it was one of those rare one on ones I had with my grandpa, since no one else went (even my grandma). So now funerals, and particularly viewings make me think of that special experience I had with grandpa, just him and me.

[SpiritDragon]

Have you ever regretted NOT attending a funeral "viewing" by choice of someone you love? Was attending the burial enough?

Thanks.

I may be a bit of an oddity, but I feel as though funerals are kind of like baby blessings, an opportunity to come together as family and loved ones and celebrate. I have never needed "closure" by going to the funerals of any of my grandparents, my 32 year old cousin (cancer), or a friend in my ward I lost to a farming accident at 14 years of age simply because I feel so strongly that they have simply moved on to the next chapter in their life. Death is simply a step in the plan of Salvation, it shouldn't be feared or mourned in my opinion. Perhaps this is also because in my family most funeral services have been a celebration of life and the legacy left behind as opposed to mourning a loss.

Mostly I go to funerals to support the living. Those closest to the loss likely need the extra strength of close family and friends. I'm curious to see how differently I'll feel if I lose my wife or out-live a child.

[Sharky]

I use to hate the funeral viewings, I still do though I have a different view of them now then I did as a young adult.

Two such viewings really changed my perspective: My Mothers (when I was 21) & my 1st wife's (when I was 23 & just a year after our marriage).

I realized that as morbid as the viewings seem to be, that there was a whole lot of support, both physical and emotional, to be readily & easily gleaned through that short period of time.

I came to feel extremely grateful for those who came to the viewings & who were willing to make that gesture to show their support, their love, their grieving.

Not to minimize the gratefulness I have for those who attended my mother's viewing, they were there more for my parents then for me ... those who came to my wife's, the gratitude for them is ever present today.

I frequently think of many of those that came, some that was the only time I ever met them, though I remember them clearly today almost 3 decades later. I remember many of their words, their tears, their hugs.

Perhaps it was the fact that many of them drove many long hours to pay that visit, maybe it was the fact that since it had to be a closed casket viewing the "viewing" was less of the intent & the show of support was more present,

I don't know ... what I do know is that I felt & experienced more support & joys & happiness from the couple of hours of the viewing then I did thru the funeral itself.

So YES I go to the viewings of (& for) family & of friends. I view them as being more of a way to support the family & those mourning, whereas the funeral is more of a remembrance. Many of funerals I have skipped.

Edited March 1, 2014 by Sharky

[classylady]

My daughter's viewing was closed casket. We didn't hold the viewing the night before, but had it just prior to her funeral. I can't explain the heartfelt gratitude I had for those who came to her "viewing" and funeral. There was such a long line of people, that we didn't have time to see everyone. For me, the viewing and funeral isn't necessarily for the deceased, it is to give support and love to those who are left behind. And as a bereaved parent, and in so much shock, I needed that love and support.

[Sharky]

My daughter's viewing was closed casket. We didn't hold the viewing the night before, but had it just prior to her funeral. I can't explain the heartfelt gratitude I had for those who came to her "viewing" and funeral. There was such a long line of people, that we didn't have time to see everyone. For me, the viewing and funeral isn't necessarily for the deceased, it is to give support and love to those who are left behind. And as a bereaved parent, and in so much shock, I needed that love and support.

For me, that is what the whole entire viewing & funeral process is all about ... the support & love extended by others (sometimes complete strangers) to the surviving family & those who are grieving. Maybe it takes having lost a spouse or a child to understand the strength that the closest family can receive from a simple (even if morbid) gesture of others coming to a viewing.

I find viewings to generally offer much more opportunity to spend time visiting then what is normally afforded at the funeral services. Those that come to seek closure by viewing the body have that chance, those that come to offer support by giving a few words, a hug, a simple look in the eyes, they have that chance too.

Most viewings I don't attend for my own closure but rather to ensure the survivors know & feel my support & love for them.

I guess in a way, going to the viewing is somewhat a form of service extended to those who are mourning.