My husband feels teaching our future children the gospel is abusive.

[yjacket]

Last night he compared our relationship to a lumpy basketball that would be easier to replace than repair.  He's divorcing me.  Thanks for everyone's comments.  Keep me in your prayers.  And pray for him too.  I hurt.  If anyone wants to shoot me advice about healing from divorce I could probably use it.  Or how to get through this semi gracefully.

 

My deepest condolences and sympathies. If the unbelieving depart-let them depart. 

 

This isn't a knock against you but on him . . .I am in general severely disappointed with the rising generations inability to be committed. It used to be the all a man had was his word.  His word was his honor-his duty. Regardless of the pain and personal suffering, he would fulfill his word. Today a man's word is worth absolutely nothing.

 

A lumpy basketball . . .as if a marriage can be likened to a basketball. A marriage is a living breathing entity-it is more like garden.  If one tills it, plants good plants, waters it, gives it enough sunlight and takes really good care of it-it will flourish. Even if the garden started out on rocky soil-you slowly but surely pick out the rocks, bring in good soil and take care of it.

 

What he is saying is that he doesn't want to put forth the effort required to make a marriage work . . .after only a year (sigh, shakes head)-I pity him. Life will learn him.

 

As far as healing . . .it is a death, therefore you will probably go through all the stages of mourning and go back and forth through them. Others can give you better advice on that aspect.

Edited September 8, 2015 by yjacket

[Guest]

I suspect there's more going on than he's telling you. At any right, you will be much better off in the long run. I know it's painful and it will be for awhile, but I have no doubt it will get so much better.

[Backroads]

Oh dear. I'm so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

I'm sorry it is going that direction.  I know you are hurting but hold your head up high, you have nothing to be ashamed of and this all reflects badly on him, not you.  Happier days are ahead.

[beefche]

Yes, I agree....there is more than what he is telling you.  And you can thank God for a tender mercy that you aren't pregnant (you should check to make sure since I think you said you two were trying).  

 

I used to think that divorce was a shared experience--meaning that both parties had some responsibility for the marriage failing. But, now that I'm wiser and more experienced (and frankly no longer that dumb kid who thought that way), I find that sometimes that just isn't true. Of course, there are things one person could do better since we are all mortals who make mistakes. But sometimes, through no fault of our own, a marriage crumbles. All it takes is 1 of the parties to make it so. In this case, your husband wants out of the marriage and there is nothing you can do to prevent that. 

 

I'm sorry that it turned out this way. Get an attorney, counsel with the bishop and get professional counseling if needed.

[pkstpaul]

Last night he compared our relationship to a lumpy basketball that would be easier to replace than repair.  He's divorcing me.  Thanks for everyone's comments.  Keep me in your prayers.  And pray for him too.  I hurt.  If anyone wants to shoot me advice about healing from divorce I could probably use it.  Or how to get through this semi gracefully.

I feel even worse for my harshness. I know you are hurting and you are facing a very difficult road. My condolences.

[omegaseamaster75]

My Husband was the type of guy I wanted to marry.  It makes it all the more painful and all the more confusing.  Having him turn the tables to me and accuse me of being abusive when I tell him "you're trying to change me and I don't appreciate it" and he tells me, I am not trying to change you, and you're accusing me of these things, and that's abusive is incredibly confusing.  Having him tell me that teaching my children the gospel and asking them to accept it unconditionally as being abusive is also really confusing.  It's confusing because it's a sore spot for me, but I really think he's the one being abusive... I think that's why I posted here.  To see if anyone could agree with him.  I do have a therapist right now.  I got one to help me come off my medications a couple months ago so we could have children.  

 

Emphasis added by me, he broke the contract you have no obligation to suffer anymore. You are a young woman, go and find someone worthy of you before it's to late.

[thoughts]

You will be able to find scientific material saying that raising a child in a faith blesses their lives.    But I would absolutley not agree to not teach my children what I believed --- truth is that parents cannot help teach their children their faith or how they believe or don't believe just because that stuff is embedded in all our choices.   More importantly I couldn't live with myself if I failed to pass on to those I loved the knowledge that can make them most happy and healthy whatever they eventually do with it.

 

If that means he leaves you, that is his choice.  What you are describing him as insisting on isn't an healthy environment to bring kids into anyway.  But please tell him that you hope he doesn't go.  That you hope he and you can agree on mutual respectful relationship that allows you to have children who can love both parents and be taught by both parents what each thinks is most important to for them to know.

 

And spend some time looking for values you still share that you both want to teach your children.   It is a safe bet that you will find lots of them and maybe that will help him see you are not as far apart as he thinks you are.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm sorry you are going through this painful experience.  Lean on the Lord. 

[clwnuke]

Last night he compared our relationship to a lumpy basketball that would be easier to replace than repair.  He's divorcing me.  Thanks for everyone's comments.  Keep me in your prayers.  And pray for him too.  I hurt.  If anyone wants to shoot me advice about healing from divorce I could probably use it.  Or how to get through this semi gracefully.

 

Sometimes when people pass on to the next life it is viewed as a painful and unexpected experience. But sometimes when people pass on to the next life it is viewed as a great blessing because they were suffering so much.

 

Divorce is often the same way. I always hope that marriages can be healed, but if moving on to a new life is necessary to relieve the suffering then I hope for a cordial passing to that phase.

 

May God be with you!

[Just_A_Guy]

Last night he compared our relationship to a lumpy basketball that would be easier to replace than repair.  He's divorcing me.  Thanks for everyone's comments.  Keep me in your prayers.  And pray for him too.  I hurt.  If anyone wants to shoot me advice about healing from divorce I could probably use it.  Or how to get through this semi gracefully.

 

Sorry to hear that; and we'll definitely be thinking of you both.

 

I was at a continuing ed seminar recently (I dabble in divorce law) where the presenter stated that the average grieving process for a divorce lasts about five years, but that the person who actually requests the divorce tends to be the equivalent of about three years into the process already.

 

It's going to hurt.  (He's hurting too, but he'll show it differently.)  Wish I could tell you something happier; but the best advice I can give you is to get someone who isn't hurting (read:  a lawyer) to stand by you in this process to make sure you don't do something you'll regret later.  Time really is going to be the best healer on this.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[thoughts]

I am sorry.   But not for the divorce.   I'm glad he is leaving because you deserve a whole lot better that being compared to a lumpy basketball.   Please talk through with a therapist who also has life experience dating in the LDS culture your mate selection process and your entire thinking process about this marriage and about relationships.   The best way to stay away from relationships like this one is to figure out the red flags that you couldn't see and how to date so you will be able to see them in the future. 

[Ang]

My husband recently decided that any form of indoctrination to children is abusive as it asks them to believe something without questioning. He declared himself atheist to me about 3 weeks ago. He recently got really into studying philosophy and had a favorite philosopher you-tube channel full of podcasts who he claims opened his eyes to the blindness he's been in his entire life.

I was and still am very heart broken, but I am doing a lot better now.

We're both 27 years old. We were married in the temple a year ago. We've both served missions and been members our entire lives. He was the one that talked me into paying tithing on all our wedding gifts. He's been an elder's quorum president in his single's ward. He absolutely loves and adores children. After dumping several guys for their lack of commitment to the gospel, I really thought he was my best chance of having a spouse who would stand by my side and teach the Gospel in our home with familly prayer, scripture study, FHE, and the whole package.

He refuses to pray to ask God if he's real, as praying alone indicates that he thinks there is a God, and he does not.

I still love him. i haven't been the perfect wife, and he hasn't been the perfect husband but we've worked through most of our first year of marriage disputes okay. He can come off as a little controlling sometimes (example: most recently he watched me wash my face and told me that because he helps earn our income as well he has a say in that he wants me to use one squirt of face wash instead of 2 because its more economical). He sees things as black and white. Its very difficult to reason with him as he wants everything to be rationally sound and I can be very emotional and very unreasonable.

That's some background.

Here's the kicker: He says he doesn't want to stay married to me unless I agree not to assert the gospel as true in any way to our future children (Instead of saying Heavenly father loves you, use words like I believe, and in the Mormon religion...) and not to take our children to church with me until they're able to pass a "reason test" where he can attempt to brainwash our children and they resist appropriately (he guesses around age 8).

Right now our plan is to stay married and get counseling until we can agree to a parenting method. If we cannot, we'll likely end up separated.

Not teaching my children the gospel as I was taught in Preach My Gospel feels quite terrible to me right now, and though I often want to give up i keep going and hope that he will calm his strong feelings against the church, but truthfully, he's so black and white and this happened so quickly I don't know it'll ever happen.

Is it not a commandment to teach your children the Gospel? Would it be right to stay in a relationship with requirements like this? He's changed so much. It really hurts.