I feel horrible but I am quickly losing attraction to my wife.

[SDO1985]

I continue to feel a very deep loss of attraction to my wife and I can't help but feel like she does not seem to care about my feelings. I am a nice person and will do anything to anyone, I am feeling let down and used. My wife does not hold my hand, she is not intimate and does not show me any type of love unless I initiate and even then it's very minor. I have made so many changes and feel like she does not think she needs to make any. Before we were married I told her my one thing about my childhood that I feel really devistated me and it's the one thing she has done in our marriage, she does not take care of herself. I work full time, I take care of the kids and clean to no avail that it makes her happy. I am lost at what to do and don't know how much longer I can keep going. Please help, I am just lost.

[Jane_Doe]

Marriage counseling is good.  

 

Also, just because you're married doesn't mean you stop dating!  Take her out, do something both of your like, listen to her, etc.

[omegaseamaster75]

It's a two way street, as with any post on this forum I am inclined to give yours a 50% discount, I wonder what she would say about you?

 

Go see a MFT.

[Guest]

It is ALWAYS bad to go into a marriage because of the things you can get instead of the things you can give.

 

Well, you're married now, so "the deed is done" so to speak.  But, it's not too late to CHANGE your thinking to make your marriage a happy one.

 

Next time, when you're doing something... like working, or taking care of the kids, or cleaning the house... do it with the pure intention of wanting to GIVE without any thought or expectation of getting something in return.  You will find that when you find pleasure in the act of doing these things instead of the expectation of a reward, your outlook in life and marriage will become infinitely better.

[zil]

You would not be the first person to be in a marriage where one person does all the work and the other person only wants to participate in the fun (and they get to decide what "fun" is).  I agree with those who recommend counseling.

[Guest]

The following are just a series of find out questions.  They are not meant to be accusatory in any way.

 

Have you spoken with her about this?  What does she say?

What have you done to encourage her and make her feel special?

What does she expect from you?

What do you expect from her?

What does she do to contribute to the marriage and the family?

Why did you marry her?

What romantic things have you done as a couple in the past month?

Does she work outside the home?

How long have you been married?  Sealed?

How old are your kids?

How does she contribute to the raising of your kids?

What do you do to teach your children correct principles?

As a ratio, for both of you, what are the positive/negative statements that you make each day?

 

When was the last time you saw a therapist individually or as a couple?

[yjacket]

 Before we were married I told her my one thing about my childhood that I feel really devistated me and it's the one thing she has done in our marriage, she does not take care of herself. 

 

Two things. 1)  Read "Getting the Love you Want" and 2) you can't change anything about that either she does it or not and we all get crinkly and old.

 

With regards to 1) there are some very good insights in the book that many times we will subconsciously marry people who have qualities or do things that are "holes" in our lives.  Maybe we got yelled at when we were kids and we swore we'd never marry someone like that and then guess what! we marry someone that yells. Very good insights that you can glean how to fix yourself and make yourself a whole marriage partner.

 

With #2 most weight issues come down to simply eating too much and eating the wrong kind of food (not all but a lot). If you want to have any influence in #2 then if she cooks, encourage healthier meals. If she doesn't try eating at home more (fast food and restaurants are horrible for weight). Encourage not drinking sodas, etc. Make sure you are exercising. In a married couple it is very rare to see one spouse extremely healthy and the other not healthy (it does happen, but it is more an exception I believe). It's called social conditioning-if you are eating healthy, exercising, etc. more likely than not your spouse will see that and will eventually join you.

 

But ultimately-you can't control it. 

[Vort]

With #2 most weight issues come down to simply eating too much and eating the wrong kind of food (not all but a lot).

 

Based on what people claim, I'd have to say that most weigh issues come down to an absolutely staggering epidemic of glandular disorders.

[Guest]

Vort makes a good point.  Could your wife be having any health issues?  Has she had her thyroid checked?  Could she have some other metabolic disorder? MS?

[zil]

And while not well publicized, there are hormone imbalances which cause a woman to lose her sex drive - as long as you're considering medical options, doesn't hurt to ask about this.

[Guest]

Based on what people claim, I'd have to say that most weigh issues come down to an absolutely staggering epidemic of glandular disorders.

 

I could be wrong, but methinks Vort was tongue-in-cheek.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Two things. 1)  Read "Getting the Love you Want" and 2) you can't change anything about that either she does it or not and we all get crinkly and old.

 

With regards to 1) there are some very good insights in the book that many times we will subconsciously marry people who have qualities or do things that are "holes" in our lives.  Maybe we got yelled at when we were kids and we swore we'd never marry someone like that and then guess what! we marry someone that yells. Very good insights that you can glean how to fix yourself and make yourself a whole marriage partner.

 

I love that book.  I heard Wendy Ulrich (LDS Psychologist) refer to it in a very insightful talk about how we make the same mistakes mentioned in the book in our relationship with Heavenly Father.  

[Vort]

Wendy Ulrich was the name I saw attached to the profound quote, "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." I have since seen it attributed to many others, including Landrum Bolling and, most often, Lily Tomlin. Maybe I'll add it to my sig.

[Guest]

I could be wrong, but methinks Vort was tongue-in-cheek.

Be that as it may, my wife has a problem with her thyroid.  Most of the symptoms the OP is describing were similar to what my wife was exhibiting.   The doctor suggested that these symptoms were due to the thyroid.  Once we figured it out, she's been responding very well with treatment.  While not all of the symptoms disappeared, many have.  And we're now more able to deal with the remaining symptoms.

Edited December 22, 2015 by Guest

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Wendy Ulrich was the name I saw attached to the profound quote, "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." I have since seen it attributed to many others, including Landrum Bolling and, most often, Lily Tomlin. Maybe I'll add it to my sig.

 

LOL, I first heard it from Oprah.  I wonder who the true author is.  

Edited December 22, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[Guest]

There was a famous evangelical author who started the idea in a book he wrote.  But he never phrased it in this manner.  Many people then came up with the phrase with slightly different wordings because it seemed an obvious concisifying of his ideas. It soon began to spread because it made so much sense to so many people.  Then several famous people began quoting it in their own way.  So, it was a grass-roots beginning.

 

No, I don't remember the name of the evangelical author.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

 

No, I don't remember the name of the evangelical author.

 

Just useless, then.  LOL.

[Backroads]

I could be wrong, but methinks Vort was tongue-in-cheek.

That's what I assumed. Then I saw peoe responding in earnest.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

I continue to feel a very deep loss of attraction to my wife and I can't help but feel like she does not seem to care about my feelings.

 

Could it be that you are shutting down your feelings for her BECAUSE you are feeling like she does not care about you?  As a way of trying to shield yourself from hurt over that?  You need to talk with her about you feeling that way.  Is there something specific she does that makes you feel unloved?  Don't accuse her, teach her what it is you need from her to feel loved, and what the effect on you is if you don't get it enough.  There's a pretty good chance that she just doesn't go by the same set of 'rules' you do, and doing things that she things shows you love but you miss it because it isn't what you need to feel loved.  She may have the same problem with you.

 

Either way, if you want to awaken your feelings of love for her, serve her.  The more you serve somebody the easier it is to love them.

[JojoBag]

Before looking at the problems of your wife, start on your own.  One thing I'm working on is identifying what are 'problems' and what are important problems.  One question I ask myself is: Will this behavior affect mine or my wife's salvation?  I also ask myself if I'm being unrealistic in my expectations and am I being picky unnecessarily.  I agree that weight can be a problem if its excessive, but ask yourself, "Is it excessive or do I have unreal expectations?" 

 

The problem is that the world have made women and men believe that body image is vital.  Almost all women's fashions are designed to enhance and show off the body, no matter what their figure looks like.  The very way fabric is made is designed to hug the body and show it off.  It's all part of being "sexy."  This is nothing more than the wisdom of the world speaking.  Ask yourself how much the wisdom of the world influences what you do and think. 

[Guest MormonGator]

Before looking at the problems of your wife, start on your own.  

 THIS. 

Maybe it's you and not your wife. Never forget this-there are people who would do anything to have a wife who loves them. 

 

Be very thankful about that. LadyGator is the greatest blessing in my life. 

Edited December 26, 2015 by MormonGator

[believingisachoice]

Hey man a lot of people on this website want you to emotional undress per say and find your mote in your eye. Don't let them. If what you said is true and your wife's behavior is such that is devastating. Honestly, I don't know why guys put up with so much abuse. Stand up for yourself.

[Sunday21]

On December 21, 2015 at 8:22 AM, Vort said:

Wendy Ulrich was the name I saw attached to the profound quote, "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." I have since seen it attributed to many others, including Landrum Bolling and, most often, Lily Tomlin. Maybe I'll add it to my sig.

What does this quote mean? That you can't create a false past for yourself? You have to face up to what you did?

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Sunday21 said:

What does this quote mean?

Stop wallowing, in short. 

[Vort]

1 hour ago, Sunday21 said:

What does this quote mean? That you can't create a false past for yourself? You have to face up to what you did?

As long as you want retribution or want to say to your tormentor, "You can have my forgiveness when you undo all the evil actions you did to me and my loved ones and undo all the evil consequences of those actions," you cannot heal. The quote illustrates that as long as you are focusing on the event(s) or outcome(s) that caused you pain, you cannot get past it. You can only do that by forgiving -- which means you allow the past to remain in the past, and take advantage of Christ's atonement to change and heal the otherwise unchangeable and unhealable evils. This is a lesson I am struggling mightily to learn and put into action.