anatess2 Posted July 25, 2018 Report Share Posted July 25, 2018 There was once this poor guy who kissed his wife and went to work one morning only to find out he got laid off. With a heavy heart, he went home to their 30th floor apartment to break the bad news. That's when he found his wife naked on the bed with a guilty look on her face. He looked out the window to see a guy hanging off the sill so in his rage he was able to lift the heavy armoire and hoisted it at the guy out the window. This got him off-balance and he ended up falling the 30 floors down to his death. The next thing he knows, he was facing St. Peter who was asking him how he ended up at the pearly gates. He then proceeded to explain that he fell out of a 30-story window. Another man then approached St. Peter who was asked the same question and replied, "there I was doing my boring job of cleaning windows when an armoire suddenly fell on top of me." Another man followed and St. Peter asked him the same question for which he replied, 'I was hiding in this armoire...". Jamie123 and Sunday21 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted July 26, 2018 Report Share Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) You know you’ve got Trump derangement syndrome when: You’re out on a date - Date: That’s a nice suit! You: Thanks, I got it 30% off. Date (with a wink): I’d like it 100% off. You: American middle class business owners can’t just hand suits out for free, you commie! Edited November 12, 2018 by anatess2 Vort and Jamie123 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilentOne Posted August 16, 2018 Report Share Posted August 16, 2018 Happy National Tell a Joke Day! Two sausages are frying in a pan. One says to the other, "It's getting pretty hot in here, don't you think?" The other says, "Aaaah! Talking sausage!" Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted October 15, 2018 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2018 Joe: Are you an organ donor? Jane: No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army. What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Sunday21, Jamie123 and askandanswer 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted October 25, 2018 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 This may well be a repeat, but 'tis the season, almost.... What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi! Vort, Sunday21 and NeuroTypical 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted October 25, 2018 Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 On 10/15/2018 at 9:03 AM, zil said: Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Growing up, we had a wood-splitting tool that looked like a wedge mounted onto the end of a long handle. We used it quite a bit for splitting firewood, of which we needed lots and lots when I was in high school. Not knowing its proper name, we called it a "sledge wedge". So if you've seen one sledge wedge, you've seen a maul. zil, NeuroTypical, Sunday21 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted October 25, 2018 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 minute ago, Vort said: which we needed lots and lots when I was in high school Enter @MormonGator with a joke about your next door neighbor, some dude named Abraham. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MormonGator Posted October 25, 2018 Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 hour ago, zil said: Enter @MormonGator with a joke about your next door neighbor, some dude named Abraham. Goodness, my jokes are that predictable? I need to get new writers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 1, 2018 Report Share Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) From a Laffy Taffy wrapper: What sport involves the most chewing? Gumball. Edited November 1, 2018 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 1, 2018 Report Share Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?" This coffee tastes like mud. It's fresh ground. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin Catholic. When you have an appointment to deal with a vicious rabbit, you know you're having a bad hare day. Edited November 1, 2018 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted November 1, 2018 Report Share Posted November 1, 2018 Sunday21, zil and askandanswer 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted November 6, 2018 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2018 I knew a couple who met in a revolving door. I think they're still going 'round together. @Just_A_Guy What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. What do you call 10 rabbits walking backward? A receding hareline. Just_A_Guy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scott Posted November 6, 2018 Report Share Posted November 6, 2018 Yo' Mamma so Mormon, she thinks having a coffee table is against the word of wisdom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted November 6, 2018 Report Share Posted November 6, 2018 1 hour ago, zil said: I knew a couple who met in a revolving door. I think they're still going 'round together. @Just_A_Guy What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. What do you call 10 rabbits walking backward? A receding hareline. I met my wife while we were leaving a classroom. We started going out. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? (Oldie but goodie.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 7, 2018 Report Share Posted November 7, 2018 (edited) 21 hours ago, Vort said: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? (Oldie but goodie.) El eph ino! Edited November 7, 2018 by anatess2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 7, 2018 Report Share Posted November 7, 2018 Two guys struck up a conversation while waiting for Peter at the Pearly Gates. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." NeuroTypical, Sunday21 and zil 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 7, 2018 Report Share Posted November 7, 2018 Where did all the communists go? They left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 7, 2018 Report Share Posted November 7, 2018 Einsten, Newton, and Pascal were playing hide and seek. lt’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton smiles and says “No, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal.” Vort and zil 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted November 7, 2018 Report Share Posted November 7, 2018 2 minutes ago, anatess2 said: Where did all the communists go? They left. Reminds me of this one: How does Hercules get his boat across the ocean? Hero. askandanswer and anatess2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 8, 2018 Report Share Posted November 8, 2018 (edited) Nothing is built in America anymore. Yesterday, I bought a TV and it said “Built in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is. Edited November 8, 2018 by anatess2 mordorbund, Vort, Sunday21 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted November 9, 2018 Report Share Posted November 9, 2018 Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap twice. mordorbund and anatess2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 9, 2018 Report Share Posted November 9, 2018 7 hours ago, Vort said: Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap twice. So, two snaps up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 9, 2018 Report Share Posted November 9, 2018 "If you elect me, I will work hard to make the electoral college free for all Americans!" - Ocasio-Cortez maybe. Vort 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scott Posted November 9, 2018 Report Share Posted November 9, 2018 Yo mama so Mormon, she thinks the Grateful Dead are the ones who you do baptisms for the dead for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 10, 2018 Report Share Posted November 10, 2018 My son is 3 years old and I took him shopping. When we got home, I found a chocolate bar in his pocket. I did not pay for it and for sure he didn’t pay for it! So I immediately marched him out the door straight back into the shopping center and went to the jewelers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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