Connection after excommunication

[workingonit]

Hi Everybody, I'm new here.  I've recently started down a long road to recovery from several sexual transgressions that have ultimately lead to my excommunication.  I have a very supportive and loving family and an AMAZING wife (in every aspect), but I am feeling like I'm now an outsider.  I am obviously not allowed to participate in any church meetings, or callings, or responsibilities and I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I lived in secrecy for many years hiding my pornography addiction, infidelity and SSA to myself. I felt like I could work my way to heaven, and not need to disclose my problems.  Now that I've come clean I feel great hope, but I still feel lonely.  Does anybody have suggestions to help me feel like I'm contributing to "building the kingdom"?

[Guest MormonGator]

2 hours ago, workingonit said:

Hi Everybody, I'm new here.  I've recently started down a long road to recovery from several sexual transgressions that have ultimately lead to my excommunication.  I have a very supportive and loving family and an AMAZING wife (in every aspect), but I am feeling like I'm now an outsider.  I am obviously not allowed to participate in any church meetings, or callings, or responsibilities and I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I lived in secrecy for many years hiding my pornography addiction, infidelity and SSA to myself. I felt like I could work my way to heaven, and not need to disclose my problems.  Now that I've come clean I feel great hope, but I still feel lonely.  Does anybody have suggestions to help me feel like I'm contributing to "building the kingdom"?

Hey bud. Welcome to the forums.

I'm really proud of you for wanting to give back to the church. To be blunt, if I excommunicated I'd  probably just shut the door and move on.  You are a better man than me, for sure. 

Give it some time. Eventually no one will remember or care and things will be back to normal. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, workingonit said:

Hi Everybody, I'm new here.  I've recently started down a long road to recovery from several sexual transgressions that have ultimately lead to my excommunication.  I have a very supportive and loving family and an AMAZING wife (in every aspect), but I am feeling like I'm now an outsider.  I am obviously not allowed to participate in any church meetings, or callings, or responsibilities and I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I lived in secrecy for many years hiding my pornography addiction, infidelity and SSA to myself. I felt like I could work my way to heaven, and not need to disclose my problems.  Now that I've come clean I feel great hope, but I still feel lonely.  Does anybody have suggestions to help me feel like I'm contributing to "building the kingdom"?

Welcome!  We are glad to have you!

You don't have to have an official calling to build the kingdom!  Just keep coming to church and look for ways to be kind and take care of others, and you will be doing great.  It is very often the kind word, the smile, being friends with someone that makes all the difference.  Keep an eye out for opportunities to help others, and you will find them!  That is what building the kingdom is all about!

You are a good man!  Hang in there!

[NeuroTypical]

Hi workingonit - you are welcome here. 

Sounds like you're building the kingdom by taking the necessary steps to cleanse yourself of  past transgressions.  That's a worthy endeavor.  Do you know how many people just never confess to stuff, just carry it around with them?  A lot.  But you're doing the hard work.  Kudos.

[Sunday21]

Hi @workingonit! Good to have you here! An enthusiastic member of any gathering is always welcome. We would love to have someone in my ward who just smiled and shook hands. Looking forward to your posts!

[beefche]

Doing service helps alot. Not only are you helping someone, you often build connections with that person or with the people with whom you serve. You can help at the bishop's storehouse. Shovel the walk of your neighbor or elderly member of the ward. Visit with the elderly. Whenever they ask for help at activities or whatever, join in. Step out of yourself and welcome others to church. If you see someone sitting alone at church, introduce yourself and sit with them. Help take care of the grounds at your ward. 

You don't need to be a member to be kind and helpful. 

[Jane_Doe]

3 hours ago, workingonit said:

Hi Everybody, I'm new here.  I've recently started down a long road to recovery from several sexual transgressions that have ultimately lead to my excommunication.  I have a very supportive and loving family and an AMAZING wife (in every aspect), but I am feeling like I'm now an outsider.  I am obviously not allowed to participate in any church meetings, or callings, or responsibilities and I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I lived in secrecy for many years hiding my pornography addiction, infidelity and SSA to myself. I felt like I could work my way to heaven, and not need to disclose my problems.  Now that I've come clean I feel great hope, but I still feel lonely.  Does anybody have suggestions to help me feel like I'm contributing to "building the kingdom"?

Kudus for working on the path of repentance and leaning on the Lord.

This might sound like a silly question: but are you barred from attending meetings?  It was my understanding that excommunicated individuals were still allowed to attend meetings, even if they can not lead.

On other advice: getting involved with service and knowing your fellow men (members and not).  Read your scriptures and have an active prayer life.  Building yourself and your neighbors is part of building the kingdom-- always done with God's power (member or not).

[Bad Karma]

OP,

This is what you do. you go to church like ANYONE else, so what if you're restricted from callings and such and earning your way back to full standing. It's no one's business what you did before, IMHO, you've paid what you owed and you are our brother. Stand amongst us as a brother and know you are. Press for progression to full restoration and see it done, that's my advice. Do not permit your alienation by man, for your savior forgave you, your God forgave you, and by them has been set the bar, the standard of forgiveness and grace. 

YOU are one of US because you have set yourself apart from the world as one of us and asked he whom sits on Heaven's mercy seat for mercy. 

Welcome!

[zil]

Great answers already, I'll just add: genealogy - get your family beyond the veil linked to you - you may not be able to do the temple work for them, but others can.

ETA: If your genealogy is done back to Adam, work on indexing.

Edited April 29, 2017 by zil

[my two cents]

3 hours ago, zil said:

ETA: If your genealogy is done back to Adam, work on indexing.

Work on it anyway. The letter from the First Presidency (March 2012) didn't have stipulations. They just said how vital indexing is. Go here to learn more: https://familysearch.org/indexing/

[person0]

14 hours ago, workingonit said:

Hi Everybody, I'm new here.  I've recently started down a long road to recovery from several sexual transgressions that have ultimately lead to my excommunication.  I have a very supportive and loving family and an AMAZING wife (in every aspect), but I am feeling like I'm now an outsider.  I am obviously not allowed to participate in any church meetings, or callings, or responsibilities and I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I lived in secrecy for many years hiding my pornography addiction, infidelity and SSA to myself. I felt like I could work my way to heaven, and not need to disclose my problems.  Now that I've come clean I feel great hope, but I still feel lonely.  Does anybody have suggestions to help me feel like I'm contributing to "building the kingdom"?

While the advice given by others is good in many ways, I would like to add that part of the reason excommunication comes with the restrictions now placed upon you, is to remove a portion of the options that would enable you to use your agency to work on the wrong things and think you were doing the right thing and making progress.  Your most important responsibility right now is proving to yourself, your spouse, your family, and the Lord that you are truly repentant and want to be clean and return unto Him.  I would say it's time to go back to the very basics and focus hard core on those (i.e. scriptures, prayer, FHE, etc). Think about what you can do to show your wife that you love her.  Same goes for your family, and the Lord.  If you love Him, keep his commandments.  Right now, since you do not currently have the Gift of the Holy Ghost, your task is somewhat more difficult, and I do not envy your position, but I know that in and through His grace you can make it back and have all former blessings restored.  I promise that if you fulfill your responsibilities as a father, and husband, and strive to grow closer to the Lord, you will be building the kingdom within your own home, and there is no greater or more fulfilling endeavor than watching your children live righteously by your example and teaching.

[my two cents]

While @person0 makes some good points, there are some amazing blessings that have been promised to those who do family history work (which includes indexing) that might help you as you go through the repentance process (protection from the influence of the adversary for one).  So by helping others and building the kingdom, you also help yourself.  

[Guest]

@workingonit,

Your moniker says it all.  Never forget that we are ALL working on it.  Those who may "seem" to be ahead of you but have pressed the cruise control button are not working on it.  But you are.  That makes you more a follower of Jesus Christ.  

Think about it.  Jesus never stops.  He always keeps going.  He doesn't just cruise.  He accelerates.  As long as you are accelerating rather than cruising, you're following Him.

Now, about the Elephant in the Room.  Now that you've come clean, you realize that everyone (gasp) knows your secrets.  Is it really as bad as you had thought?  Even excommunication -- now that you're on your way back down the road of discipleship -- was just a stepping stone to eventual exaltation.  The key is that you keep going, right?

Now from the other people's perspective:  They just don't know what to say or how to talk to you or what NOT to talk about.  If you avoid others or they avoid you (if that's happening) then no one will ever feel comfortable.  But if you make it a point to talk to people as people, then you'll begin to forge those relationships you desperately need.

As you do so, you'll find that the elephant gets smaller and smaller as time goes on.  And that's the real key.  Elephants shrink with time.  There's no magic wand that will make it shorter.  Just hang in there long enough for you to notice it shrink.  Once it's gotten to that point, you'll start realizing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Endure to the end, my friend.

[workingonit]

19 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Kudus for working on the path of repentance and leaning on the Lord.

This might sound like a silly question: but are you barred from attending meetings?  It was my understanding that excommunicated individuals were still allowed to attend meetings, even if they can not lead.

On other advice: getting involved with service and knowing your fellow men (members and not).  Read your scriptures and have an active prayer life.  Building yourself and your neighbors is part of building the kingdom-- always done with God's power (member or not).

I can still attend meetings, I'm just not allowed to participate in any aspect.  Just sit and listen, which is hard for me. lol

[workingonit]

Thank you everybody.  I appreciate all the advise.  I think those of you that said it is a time to work on my self really is important.  Before all of this I was Scout Master and spent 15 days a month involved in my calling.  I'm grateful I can now spend that time improving my relationship with my Heavenly Father, Savior and my Family.  Thanks for the warm welcome as well.

[AlaskaGrown03]

I have a friend that had a stint with pornography a while ago. He has gotten away from it and repented, but still hasn't told the Bishop. Is this grounds for excommunication? 

[Vort]

In a word: No. But there are lots of other words that need to be added to that.

[Jane_Doe]

12 hours ago, AlaskaGrown03 said:

I have a friend that had a stint with pornography a while ago. He has gotten away from it and repented, but still hasn't told the Bishop. Is this grounds for excommunication? 

The purpose of going to your bishop is to complete the repentance process with that outside aide, not to "punish" with excommunication.