Missionary Social Calls

[seashmore]

Here's the deal: there's a divorced convert in my branch who is a nice man, a good man. But he's physically a bit older than me and mentally a bit younger than me, so definitely not for me. However, I'm the only temple worthy single sister to have come through town in the last three years. About a year ago, just after my roommate moved out, the missionaries asked if they could come over and bring Brother V with them. Okay, sure. Seems a little strange to be visiting active members with another active member, but whatever.

After the first visit, they asked if we could make it a weekly thing. Okay, I guess. I didn't really have home teachers, so having Priesthood holders visit my home was nice. I'm not really sure what gave me the impression, but something left me with the idea that Brother V was trying to court me and was using the elders as chaperones. I began dishonorably ditching them. We had set up Thursday's at 7 as our regular time, and I would intentionally go for a walk somewhere and stay away for at least an hour. I avoided them on Sundays and after a couple of weeks they stopped trying.

Well, today the elders asked if they could come visit with me this week. We decided on Saturday, and then they asked if it was okay to bring Brother V with them. Now, these elders I like better than the other set that came over. (I got weird vibes from the one who ended up getting sent home early.) So I'm going to give it a chance. These elders seem mature enough for me to be point blank with them (via text) about whose idea the meetings were. Also, as YW President, I kinda want to talk to Brother V about his nonmember teen daughter and the missionaries about the teen mom they tracted into. (I had offered to visit her family with them to try and figure out if it would be better for her fellowshipping to come from YW or RS.)

Has anyone else had an experience like this, where it seemed like a member was using the missionaries as an excuse to come visit? 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

3 hours ago, seashmore said:

Has anyone else had an experience like this, where it seemed like a member was using the missionaries as an excuse to come visit? 

That is so weird.  No, I have never heard of anything like that.  

My suggestion is don't ditch them...tell them the truth.  Some how over the last few years, I have lost my need to "be nice" all the time (I actually know what happened, but don't want to get us side tracked.)  Just say, "No."  You don't need a reason or an excuse.  Just say, "No."  If they ask why say, "I don't want to.  Have a nice day."  Then turn around and walk away, or stop responding to texts/calls whatever you need to do.  

Being a good Christian does not mean you have to let people walk on you, or that you have to acquiesce to everyone else's requests.   

For example, my Relief Society President is apparently trying to meet all the sisters in the ward, and visit with them.  I hate that sort of thing.  If she calls me I plan to say, "No thank you."  I have my reasons.  It's okay to say, "No." 

[Suzie]

If he is emotionally younger than his age, it is not surprising he is using this technique to get closer to you.

Even though it might sound sweet, the fact that you felt uncomfortable enough to avoid those visits says a lot. I suggest that you do not entertain the visits until you are ready to talk to the missionaries and find out what is really happening, if you continue entertaining the visits, this good brother might have the impression that you look forward seeing him and you want him around.

I believe in handling situations such as this with kindness and yet straightforwardness so there isn't any confusion or feelings hurt.

Having said all of that (and I have seen this firsthand), the guy might not be interested in you (in that way) at all.

Edited August 21, 2017 by Suzie

[Sunday21]

I agree with previous posters, speak up and tell the missionaries that you don't feel comfortable with this person in your home. If you allow this person to visit he may develop a sense of entitlement. I had a man call my bishop and demand that my bishop tell me to marry him. You want to cut this pattern off as quickly as possible. So call missionaries, tell them no more mr x and they need to tell you who they are bringing with them. 

[zil]

1 hour ago, Sunday21 said:

I had a man call my bishop and demand that my bishop tell me to marry him.

Holy I-don't-even-know-what-to-call-this, Batman!  I swear you really do live in Area 51.  Or maybe the twilight zone.  I have yet to hear of a single example of married Mormons having a clue how to interact with unmarried Mormons who are "past their expiration date", and these two accounts just add weight to the wrong side of the scale.  <sigh>

@seashmore, I concur with the others - you need to either verify that Brother V is not interested, or end this now.  Either he's trying to set things up with you, or others are trying to set the two of you up, but either way, if one or both of you is not interested, it needs to end; and if either of you is interested, subterfuge / cowardice is not the way to a healthy relationship!

[anatess2]

Hmm... I thought missionaries - even with male members of the ward - are not supposed to visit a woman who is by herself.

Edited August 21, 2017 by anatess2

[zil]

18 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Hmm... I thought missionaries - even with male members of the ward - are not supposed to visit a woman who is by herself.

Per the missionary handbook (available on the Gospel Library, so I'm sure it's on LDS.org too):

"You and your companion should not visit or accept rides from individuals of the opposite sex unless another responsible adult of your own sex is also present."

[anatess2]

Just now, zil said:

Per the missionary handbook (available on the Gospel Library, so I'm sure it's on LDS.org too):

"You and your companion should not visit or accept rides from individuals of the opposite sex unless another responsible adult of your own sex is also present."

Ok, so, then Brother V is technically - by the handbook - the missionaries' chaperone and not the other way around?

[zil]

Just now, anatess2 said:

Ok, so, then Brother V is technically - by the handbook - the missionaries' chaperone and not the other way around?

Yes.  They would need some male (or multiple males, or a couple) to accompany them.

[anatess2]

1 minute ago, zil said:

Yes.  They would need some male (or multiple males, or a couple) to accompany them.

@seashmore, you might be reading into this more than there is.  Brother V might just be the easiest person that the missionaries can consistently call upon to help them out.  In my ward, it's not easy for missionaries to find a variety of people to do trade-offs with, so I know this can be a hardship for elders visiting women.  Good thing we have sister missionaries assigned to our ward.

[omegaseamaster75]

4 hours ago, Suzie said:

If he is emotionally younger than his age, it is not surprising he is using this technique to get closer to you.

 

Aren't all men emotionally younger than their age?

[Vort]

Just now, omegaseamaster75 said:

Aren't all men emotionally younger than their age?

Wouldn't that mean that, by definition, men are emotionally and chronologically synchronized after all?

[Mike]

4 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Aren't all men emotionally younger than their age?

I'm sure I am.

[seashmore]

8 hours ago, anatess2 said:

@seashmore, you might be reading into this more than there is.  Brother V might just be the easiest person that the missionaries can consistently call upon to help them out.  In my ward, it's not easy for missionaries to find a variety of people to do trade-offs with, so I know this can be a hardship for elders visiting women.  Good thing we have sister missionaries assigned to our ward.

That's what I figured the first time. But, why would the missionaries want to meet with an active member? That's what I'm struggling to wrap my head around. If they were asking to bring someone they were trying to get to church, that makes sense. 

Haha...Maybe I'll just let them sit in my broken couch and they'll never want to come back!

[zil]

4 minutes ago, seashmore said:

That's what I figured the first time. But, why would the missionaries want to meet with an active member? That's what I'm struggling to wrap my head around. If they were asking to bring someone they were trying to get to church, that makes sense. 

Haha...Maybe I'll just let them sit in my broken couch and they'll never want to come back!

Would it really end the world to just ask them?  (NOTE: If the answer to that question is "yes", please ask them.  Thanks.)

[Sunday21]

5 minutes ago, seashmore said:

That's what I figured the first time. But, why would the missionaries want to meet with an active member? That's what I'm struggling to wrap my head around. If they were asking to bring someone they were trying to get to church, that makes sense. 

Haha...Maybe I'll just let them sit in my broken couch and they'll never want to come back!

Maybe ask them why they are visiting? Very strange!

[Suzie]

10 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Aren't all men emotionally younger than their age?

Well, females tend to mature a little faster than males in certain emotional areas during childhood and adolescence.

[Sunday21]

I once had sister missionaries visit me in my office at work some years ago.I thought perhaps they wanted an excuse to visit my office building which was very relaxed and had many many students hanging out. They only came once.

i just can't understand why missionaries would choose to repeatedly visit an active member.

Stumped!

[Guest MormonGator]

3 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

I once had sister missionaries visit me in my office at work some years ago.I thought perhaps they wanted an excuse to visit my office building which was very relaxed and had many many students hanging out. They only came once.

i just can't understand why missionaries would choose to repeatedly visit an active member.

Stumped!

When we lived up north and were much more active the missionaries would visit maybe two-three times a month. Sometimes more. Down here, where we are much less active, they never visit. Go figure. 

[Sunday21]

42 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

When we lived up north and were much more active the missionaries would visit maybe two-three times a month. Sometimes more. Down here, where we are much less active, they never visit. Go figure. 

How odd! But up north, you were feeding the missionaries, right? These were dinner apts?

[Guest MormonGator]

3 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

How odd! But up north, you were feeding the missionaries, right? These were dinner apts?

Both dinner appointments and random drop ins. 

Remember that LG and I don't have kids, so we've become very close to many of the missionaries. I'm guessing we still talk to 50%-and not just "keep in touch" but in depth conversations. We've bought wedding gifts for the ones that have gotten married. So even though we're a generation above them, they've moved on from missionary/member relationships to  actual friends. 

Edited August 22, 2017 by MormonGator

[Sunday21]

Just now, MormonGator said:

Both dinner appointments and random drop ins. 

Remember that LG and I don't have kids, so we've become very close to many of the missionaries. I'm guessing we still talk to 50%-and not just "keep in touch" but in depth conversations. We've bought wedding gifts for the ones that have gotten married. So even though we're a generation above them, they've moved on from missionaries to friends. This is over a three and half year period. 

Good for you! You and LG have big hearts!

[anatess2]

12 hours ago, seashmore said:

That's what I figured the first time. But, why would the missionaries want to meet with an active member? That's what I'm struggling to wrap my head around. If they were asking to bring someone they were trying to get to church, that makes sense. 

Haha...Maybe I'll just let them sit in my broken couch and they'll never want to come back!

I've been a member for 16 years and they still come by and meet with us.  They were just here not too long ago talking about praying for missionary opportunities.

Or, maybe Brother V likes you.  You'll never know unless you give him a chance to say what he wants to say.  You can always say, "Oh how sweet!  You're such a nice man and would make somebody a good husband someday but that won't be me.  I'm not interested in all that.  Thank you for the great compliment, though.  Made me feel special.  Want some pie?"

[Jane_Doe]

14 hours ago, seashmore said:

That's what I figured the first time. But, why would the missionaries want to meet with an active member? That's what I'm struggling to wrap my head around. If they were asking to bring someone they were trying to get to church, that makes sense. 

Haha...Maybe I'll just let them sit in my broken couch and they'll never want to come back!

I've had the entire missionary discussions multiple times as just myself (an active member).  Active members need strengthening too, as do missionaries (having good discussions with you helps them become better teachers).  

If this Brother V is giving you weird courtship vibes you can do any combination of the below options:

- Point blank ask Brother V about it and tell him you are not interested.

- Tell the missionaries you're uncomfortable with Brother V, and offer to meet them in a public place so they don't have to worry about gender rules.

- If you're wondering about Brother V's non-member daughter, ask the missionaries and/or Brother V about it.

- Many other good options 

 

I'm personally really not a fan of the methods that involve guessing what people think, unstated motives, or ditching folks.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Jane_Doe

[Sunday21]

Perhaps you could meet the missionaries on a park bench? coffee shop? Mall bench?? But if you are getting a weird vibe from that Bro, I would tell missionaries that he is banned from your home. I have had some weird lds-bro experiences. Boy I could make a list! Seriously bad idea to give a guy the impression that you have some type of obligation to him. Read "Room with a View"!

Edited August 28, 2017 by Sunday21