I'm 32 and don't want kids

[Woofs]

I'm 32, female, single, and have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant or have kids.

 I have a lot of respect for people that choose to raise kids; it's an important role and I recognize that.  And I also know that in the Family Proclamation to the World, that "God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force".  And yet I can't help the way I feel. I don't hate kids or anything. I just don't have a shred of desire to raise one.  I've never before felt any maternal desire, I've never looked at a baby and thought "that'd be nice", or anything like that.   I think I am a responsible and mature adult, and at 32, I really doubt my feelings on motherhood are going to change--I've been waiting and hoping for them to change since I was 10 and first realized I didn't want kids. I just can't picture them in my future.  I'm aware there are many people that can't have kids would give anything to have them and can't fathom why I would willingly give them up. I don't know. I wish I could give them my fertility!

The problem is that I feel a dissonance between my deeply ingrained feelings (or lack thereof) and the commandment to have kids. This commandment...I have a hard time with it.  Like I am supposed to cede control over my body, a very private and intimate part of my body. With life long consequences. People have told me "it's different when they are yours",  or "you'll never know unless you try" but this seems like a dangerous gamble.  There is no trial period for motherhood, no return policy. A child deserves to be born and raised into a home where the parents truly want them.  I wouldn't be happy with a child, and the child would not be happy being raised by me. 

The interesting thing is that in my patriarchal blessing there is mention of me having children. I remember being troubled by this when I first received the blessing when I was 19.  I don't understand this.  

Anyway I'm not really sure how to resolve this. I want to be faithful and I want to follow the commandments, but I feel like this is one that I don't know how to follow.  How can I align my will with God's? Can I still reach exaltation?   This really worries me.  I'd appreciate any support and insight. 

EDIT: Based on the responses so far, I feel like should clarify and add some things I guess I should have put in my original post.

1) Don't worry, I'll get married first!  LOL.  I didn't mention this at first because I just thought it was a given that I'd get married before having kids, seeing as we are in an LDS discussion board, after all. I do want to resolve this within myself so that I can make myself more eligible for marriage. Not many LDS guys are interested in dating someone who either doesn't want kids or is unsure, and I'm going to be honest with the men I date about how I feel about motherhood.

2) I haven't been waiting idly around for change to happen. I have prayed for a desire to have kids and have my will be aligned with God's,, I've looked at incredible mothers with admiration, I strive to keep the commandments. I'm trying to be a better person, I really am. 

3) I've given some serious thought about why I haven't felt any desire for kids. I think my clinical depression may have something to do with it. And I mean serious depression. My childhood, teens, and early twenties were characterized by tortuous depression that I've only recently felt control over.  Finding the right medication, therapy, and recognizing what makes it better or worse has been key. I have recognized through harrowing experience with birth control pills (for acne) that hormonal fluctuations make a huge difference.  The difference between being able to function and feel like myself vs daily crying spells, panic attacks requiring a trip to the ER, and having to drop out of university for a year. Being pregnant involves hormonal changes. I never want to go to that dark place in my life again because of hormones. (I'm not sure what I'll do when I go through menopause but that is a matter for another day.)  I'm not sure if I would mentally survive pregnancy and the post-partum period.  I guess I should consider adoption.  

4) I get my clinical depression from my mother's side of the family, and I remember as a child seeing my own mother's depression deepen and deepen with each successive child. By the time she had my little brother, her last of 6 kids, her depression had completely taken over.  She medicated it with endless opioids.  She recently admitted to me that she was trying to escape the stress and worries of raising kids in conjunction with her depression. The more her children needed her and required her attention, the more opioids and benzos she took, and she fell into a miserable, drug induced stupor for the next 15 years.  She attempted suicide several times and rarely left her bed.  It was miserable for both her and us kids.  I remember as a little kid equating motherhood with depression, because that was all I knew.  It's hard to purge that emotion from that experience, even though I know from a logical standpoint that motherhood does not equal depression.  It's almost like when a person has a phobia of an innocuous object--they know it is harmless, but it doesn't stop them from feeling what they feel, you know?

5) I finally have a hold on my depression, but it is tenuous and requires a lot of self care to maintain. It may sound selfish, but I feel it is critical for my mental health. I dread going back to my dark place and giving my hypothetical kids the same childhood I had. I feel like with my mental health intact, I've been able to better serve those around me. 

Anyways, I know this has been a long post and even longer edit, and I want to give an internet cookie to anyone who made it to the end of it. Whew. I've gotten a lot off of my chest here. 

Edited October 2, 2017 by Woofs
I needed to add some stuff

[anatess2]

When I was younger I couldn't imagine getting married and having children ceding control of my life to somebody else.  And then I grew up and realized, this life is not just about me.  This life is about loving others as much as I love myself.

[zil]

Erm, if you're single, you've got no business having children anyway.  You do, on the other hand, have business getting a husband.

1 hour ago, Woofs said:

I think I am a responsible and mature adult, and at 32, I really doubt my feelings on motherhood are going to change--I've been waiting and hoping for them to change since I was 10 and first realized I didn't want kids.

Waiting and hoping cannot change feelings.  Never gonna happen.  Futile exercises.  If you want your thoughts and feelings on this matter to change, there is exactly one way - let Christ change you.  In situations like this, the only way I personally know to make this happens is as follows (that's not to say it's the only way, just the only way I know):

1) In every single private prayer (of which, there should be at least two per day), ask God to change your thoughts and feelings on this matter.

2) Get up and do your very best at obeying the commandments - willingly.  Doesn't matter that these are not related to the feelings in question - just do what you can do, since you can't change your feelings, nor should you be having children without a husband.  So forget that, and do the rest (the rest includes looking for a husband, BTW).

3) Don't fight the change - that is, don't sit around thinking how you don't want it, how awful it could be, how you've felt this way so long you don't believe you can change, etc. etc. etc.  Forget all that.  Just don't think about it.  Get on with being the best you can be in things you can control - actions.  Christ will take care of what you cannot do (if you let him).

Repeat this every day for however many years it takes - and it could easily take years.  Whatever change happens, it will likely happen so slowly you don't notice it, but if you do these things willingly, you will change.

2 hours ago, Woofs said:

I feel like this is one that I don't know how to follow.

Sure you do - it's basic biology.  The "how" is simple ("simple" is not the same as "easy") - find a husband and make babies.  This is one you don't want to follow and you don't know how to overcome the "don't want".  See above.

2 hours ago, Woofs said:

Can I still reach exaltation?

Exaltation only happens when a couple are sealed and keep their covenants.

[person0]

We ask people who experience homosexual attraction throughout their lives to forsake that deep ingrained part of themselves and to follow after righteousness.  For those who heed this command, it often involves a single and celibate life.  In other cases it means doing their best to make a marital relationship work.  Regardless, it involves great sacrifice to go against their 'natural man'.

I see your situation as no different.  You may live a righteous life without children, however, the Lord has commanded us to multiply and replenish.  You have been promised children in your patriarchal blessing.  One way or another, it appears that the Lord has called you to be a mother, if you are able.

I have children, and have always wanted children.  My wife and I are unable to bear our own children and have adopted. As I have dealt with the reverse situation (wanting children and not being able to have them ourselves), I personally can not imagine how difficult it would be to not want children, and so I am truly sorry for the struggle you must be dealing with.  However, I believe that you are not feeling these emotions for no reason.

While cultural influences play a part, the Lord often brings these things to our mind when we are called, and not yet acting.  Yesterday in General Conference, Elder Stanley Ellis taught us that hard is good!  I would suggest from the information you provided, the Lord has called you to be a mother.  This may involve great sacrifice, but will bring even greater blessings, some possibly not until the next life.  Is it not possible that your lack of desire for children is part of your 'natural man' that you must strive to overcome in this life?  If so, what better way than to become a mother and to give a part your life for someone else?

EDIT:  Get married first!  

Edited October 2, 2017 by person0

[Just_A_Guy]

*shrug* If marriage isn’t a realistic possibility for you, then I would just chalk not wanting kids up as a tender mercy of the Lord; and I would go and live my life.

On the other hand, if your aversion to child-rearing is blocking potential relationships with good men ... then maybe it’s more of a problem.  But if that isn’t going on, then I see no point in making yourself neurotic over the fact that you don’t happen to want what you can’t have anyways.

[Fether]

4 hours ago, Woofs said:

I'm 32, female, single, and have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant or have kids.

 I have a lot of respect for people that choose to raise kids; it's an important role and I recognize that.  And I also know that in the Family Proclamation to the World, that "God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force".  And yet I can't help the way I feel. I don't hate kids or anything. I just don't have a shred of desire to raise one.  I've never before felt any maternal desire, I've never looked at a baby and thought "that'd be nice", or anything like that.   I think I am a responsible and mature adult, and at 32, I really doubt my feelings on motherhood are going to change--I've been waiting and hoping for them to change since I was 10 and first realized I didn't want kids. I just can't picture them in my future.  I'm aware there are many people that can't have kids would give anything to have them and can't fathom why I would willingly give them up. I don't know. I wish I could give them my fertility!

The problem is that I feel a dissonance between my deeply ingrained feelings (or lack thereof) and the commandment to have kids. This commandment...I have a hard time with it.  Like I am supposed to cede control over my body, a very private and intimate part of my body. With life long consequences. People have told me "it's different when they are yours",  or "you'll never know unless you try" but this seems like a dangerous gamble.  There is no trial period for motherhood, no return policy. A child deserves to be born and raised into a home where the parents truly want them.  I wouldn't be happy with a child, and the child would not be happy being raised by me. 

The interesting thing is that in my patriarchal blessing there is mention of me having children. I remember being troubled by this when I first received the blessing when I was 19.  I don't understand this.  

Anyway I'm not really sure how to resolve this. I want to be faithful and I want to follow the commandments, but I feel like this is one that I don't know how to follow.  How can I align my will with God's? Can I still reach exaltation?   This really worries me.  I'd appreciate any support and insight. 

It doesn't make you a lesser person for wanting less than another person.

Just know that exaltation includes marriage and eternal increase of children. There will be no exalted singles or married couples that don't want children.

This isn't bad, it just means you won't achieve the highest degree because you don't want it. Not because you seek good enough 

[Guest]

18 minutes ago, Fether said:

It doesn't make you a lesser person for wanting less than another person.

Just know that exaltation includes marriage and eternal increase of children. There will be no exalted singles or married couples that don't want children.

This isn't bad, it just means you won't achieve the highest degree because you don't want it. Not because you seek good enough 

While refusing to marry will keep you from exaltation, I am not certain that refusing to have children necessarily will or will not.  I have never heard having children as a requirement for exaltation.

That said, if you genuinely don't want children, what would be the point of being exalted (since being exalted is all about having children throughout eternity)?

Just thinking out loud...

Edited October 2, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[JoCa]

I would concur with a lot of statements.  1st worry about getting married.  More likely than not however, not wanting children will definitely put the brakes on most relationships-especially within the Church.  You are going to be hard-pressed to find a young man who is totally cool with not having kids. I'd advise my son to run from any woman who says they don't want to have kids.

I understand that today's modern culture has put a major, major damping on woman and their traditional role.  You are and have been taught in popular media that not having kids is a good thing. It is no wonder to me why you have these thoughts and desires.

As was explained in Conference yesterday there is a difference between salvation and exaltation. Salvation is gained by simply becoming a member of the Church going to the temple and living the commandments, and that includes that one is able to enter into the Celestial Kingdom and live with God.  Exaltation however, is different it is living the life that God lives and that can only be accomplished through marriage and then ultimately through children.

Quite honestly, there are so many lessons that God wants each of us to learn that can only learn through raising children.  They can not be learned any other way-it's just impossible.  In a sense by not wanting to have children you are in a very literal sense damning yourself (as in to dam up your progress).  Because we know that the same person we are when we die will be the same person when we are resurrected, I find it very hard to believe that one will all the sudden want to have kids in the hereafter if one actively forfeits that ability in this life.

"I've been waiting and hoping for them to change since I was 10 and first realized I didn't want kids. I just can't picture them in my future."

That is you problem, waiting and hoping is different than changing.  You are expecting some external force to come into your life and change your desires.  Sometimes that happens, but most of the time, in fact the majority of the time God expects differently. 

"26 And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given."

God expects us to actively change our behavior and our patterns of thought.  This is completely possible, it happens all the time, it is hard but it happens.  People change from desiring sin to not desiring sin .. . .how do they do it, by acting. 

If you really want to change this pattern of thought-you will.  Frankly, the only thing holding you back is a lack of desire.  There is something (maybe in your past through abuse, or something that you saw done or peer pressure, etc.), that is holding you back from actively making the change to desire to have kids.  Figure out where that is coming from, resolve it and move forward with a desire and an act of will to change your very thought patterns.  It can happen.  

Edited October 2, 2017 by JoCa

[JoCa]

19 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

That said, if you genuinely don't want children, what would be the point of being exalted (since being exalted is all about having children throughout eternity)?

I think that's the point . . .it's going to be hard to change in the hereafter without a physical body . . . God is merciful but he is also just and those who could have had children but chose not to for convenience sake or b/c they felt it "wasn't right for them" they will have to answer to God for it-of that I'm convinced.

And I'm convinced there will be much, much sorrow for them in this life and in the next life for choosing this path.  Just google Fey Weldon.

What happens when you get old?  30s it's great, you have social friends, work friends, there are plenty of avenues to get social interaction.  What happens when you are 70,80,90? Most of your friends will be dead, or have major medical problems, they won't want to talk to you b/c they'd rather be spending time with their kids before they kick the can. 

So spent 60 years of a life only to live the last 20-30 in solitude.  ..no thank you!  I truly feel sorry for them, to be in a retirement home with no one that really cares about you. 

Besides the personal social costs, I also think it's quite selfish; it used to be that family takes care of you when you are old. That was just expected, part of the duty of the eldest son was to care for the parents.  With no children that can take care of the parents, the social costs of taking care of you when you get old falls to the rest of society.

To be able to communicate with and spend time with my dad in the twilight of his years is a wonderful experience and it's the same for him and I hope it will be the same for me when I get to his stage. 

Unfortunately, most people that are like this (and a good portion of them end up being women), bemoan their situation after it is way, way too late.  32 is getting up there to have kids, only 3 more years in a low-risk pregnancy above 35 risks increase dramatically and then you get serious birth defects like down syndrome, etc. 

But we reap what we sow in this life.

Edited October 2, 2017 by JoCa

[Fether]

1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

While refusing to marry will keep you from exaltation, I am not certain that refusing to have children necessarily will or will not.  I have never heard having children as a requirement for exaltation.

That said, if you genuinely don't want children, what would be the point of being exalted (since being exalted is all about having children throughout eternity)?

Just thinking out loud...

And that is what I'm getting at. Not having kids won't keep you from exaltation... but not wanting kids might (no idea though).

[Woofs]

7 hours ago, JoCa said:

What happens when you get old?  30s it's great, you have social friends, work friends, there are plenty of avenues to get social interaction.  What happens when you are 70,80,90? Most of your friends will be dead, or have major medical problems, they won't want to talk to you b/c they'd rather be spending time with their kids before they kick the can. 

So spent 60 years of a life only to live the last 20-30 in solitude.  ..no thank you!  I truly feel sorry for them, to be in a retirement home with no one that really cares about you. 

Besides the personal social costs, I also think it's quite selfish; it used to be that family takes care of you when you are old. That was just expected, part of the duty of the eldest son was to care for the parents.  With no children that can take care of the parents, the social costs of taking care of you when you get old falls to the rest of society.

 

I think this is an invalid argument and not a good reason to have kids.  There are many good reasons to have kids, but this isn't one of them. Let me explain why. 

In my experience as an nurse working with elderly people, I've found that having kids unfortunately didn't keep them from spending the last years of their life alone. While some of my patients have wonderful, attentive kids, it's not that common.  I commend you on your devotion to your own dad in his old age--I plan to take care of my dad when he is too told to care for himself as well.  However, most of my patients still live in a nursing or retirement home while their kids are too busy with their own lives, raising their own kids, to visit them. They are still lonely and 90% of them are discharged to the retirement home or adult foster care where they came from, despite having kids. 

"Besides the personal social costs, I also think it's quite selfish..."  Personally, I think it selfish to expect one's kids to be a retirement plan. They already are in a busy part of their lives, are likely taking care of their own kids, trying to make ends meet. Taking care of an elderly person can be a full time job. If they want to take in their infirm parents and change their briefs, feed them, keep them from falling and choking and wandering when they have dementia, and do other things that elderly people often need help with, that is wonderful and a huge blessing.  But to have kids with the intention of them doing all this for you? That, I think, is selfish.  

I'm not sure what you mean by " the social costs of taking care of you when you get old falls to the rest of society".   Do you mean welfare? Because many people save up money for this sort of thing.  They pay for well trained professionals to help them in their old age.  They've paid into social security while in their working years and are reaping the benefits as they collect pensions and live off of retirement funds.  I acknowledge that not everyone is able to do this, but to say that old people are a social burden on society seems to be painting with a pretty broad stroke. 

Anyways I didn't mean to get off topic here. I want to want to have kids, but not for this reason. 

[JohnsonJones]

I think you are worried about the cart before the horse.  In otherwords, if you are thinking on this a lot, you may be worrying overly too much about it.

First, think about marriage.  Be open about your thoughts on kids with anyone that you think about seriously getting engaged and married to.  It may be, at your age, unless you are extremely picky, that there may be those out there that already have kids.  In this instance, if you were to get married to someone who already has children...even if you do not have children of your own, it would be self explanatory that you would have kids in that marriage, even if they are not biologically yours.

If you choose to not have children of your own after you get married...that's a sacred choice that should be between you and your spouse.  Be aware, that even if you do NOT WANT children, accidents happen (birth control methods I think, even if multiple forms are used, are only 99% effective...there is always that 1% or that .1%).    If children happen by accident, you should also mentally prepare yourself when you are married...just in case.

However, if you choose to not have children there is nothing that condemns you or says you are less worthy.  It is a choice that each couple needs to make, and when the time comes to discuss it with your future spouse, it is a choice that you will probably make together.  If you do not want children, and it would deleteriously affect your health or your children's health, that probably is something you should factor in regards to choices of whether to have children or not. 

You may meet a fellow Mormon that feels exactly like you do.  Until you find "the one" it is impossible to know what the future holds.  I'd say, just be honest with those that you date who start to get serious, and find a good relationship with someone first, before overly worrying about children.  Make your concerns known, and ensure that they UNDERSTAND those concerns (as some individuals may say they are fine with no kids, but then once married, you find they didn't mean it...you'll want to ensure their concerns match your concerns and you agree with each other BEFORE you tie the knot), as well as all other things...but don't sweat it too heavily.  Don't be THAT concerned about this issue until it actually becomes an issue (as in, it probably is not an issue until you are married).  Don't put the cart in front of the horse...

For all you know, you may be married in a few weeks, or it could be decades.  In the latter case...the entire situation may be taken care of on it's own as by that point it would be impossible to have children of your own anyways.  Until that point though, why worry yourself overly about it?

[Midwest LDS]

I'm sorry you had such a rough childhood @Woofs. I don't blame you for being nervous to have kids, especially since it sounds like you inherited your mother's depression. Remember what King Benjamin said in Mosiah 4:7 

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength."

You shouldn't ignore your concerns, I think that would cause far more harm than good. Rather, be honest about your feelings with a potential husband, keep working to overcome your depression (which is a very real and powerful disease), and know that if the Lord calls you to have children he will help you overcome your personal struggles. Other than that, I wouldn't stress out too much about it till you get married as there's no sense in borrowing troubles from tomorrow☺.  

Edited October 3, 2017 by Midwest LDS

[Woofs]

@JohnsonJones and @Midwest LDS Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words. I really appreciate them.  I've always been a worrier!  I've always wanted to have this issue resolved within myself before marriage so that my dating prospects are more fruitful and my potential spouse has a better idea of what they are getting into.  Would potential spouses still want to date me if I am still not sure, am still working through this?   Most people want to date someone that knows whether or not they will have kids, don't they? (honestly I could be wrong, I'm not all that great at dating!)

10 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength."

This is one of my favorite scriptures, and I'm glad you brought it up.  King Benjamin was a wise man. 

I'll be sure to be honest and open with my potential spouse when I eventually find one about my feelings on kids, my fears, and concerns. If there is one thing I've learned it is that good, clear communication is invaluable in a relationship. 

 

[Vort]

I appreciate your candor and your rigorous honesty. Don't abandon those traits, especially the honesty.

I'm not going to deconstruct and analyze your entire OP. Just a few points:

On 10/2/2017 at 5:04 AM, Woofs said:

And yet I can't help the way I feel.

I will tell you from lifelong personal experience that this is not true. You very much can help the way you feel. Not immediately or overnight or in a week, in most cases; but yes, your attitudes and even desires can change -- indeed, they must change. This is true for all of us. Our desires are determined by the natural man, and we are to change those desires to righteousness. And we do.

In my experience, dwelling on our shortcomings doesn't usually get us where we want to go. Maybe you could try not to worry about your lack of desire for children, or even about your positive desire not to have children. Just let that go for the time being. Concentrate on serving where God wants you to serve.

Children are amazing creatures. They are not just short, naive adults, as many today seem to think. They are a completely different sort of human being -- inexperienced, unaffected (in the sense of no affectations), utterly dependent for the simplest of human needs, often surprisingly honest because they don't know how to be anything else, thoughtless, intensely selfish, lacking self-discipline -- yet capable of a pure sweetness and affection that can pierce to your core. If you take away the childishness from children, you are left with the childlike qualities that the Lord said, "Of such is the kingdom of heaven."

Fact is, for most people, children are an acquired taste. Most of those who love children acquire the taste while they themselves are still in childhood or early adolescence. Because of your own unique personality and background, you did not. But you might still do so. And if you do, the feelings of desire to have children will likely arise in your heart.

So again, don't worry about it, but be aware. Watch for it. Expose yourself to children. Help out in the nursery. Substitute for Primary teachers. The decidedly not-miniature-adult children will surprise and frustrate you, and may very well capture your heart and your fancy in the end.

On 10/2/2017 at 5:04 AM, Woofs said:

How can I align my will with God's? Can I still reach exaltation?   This really worries me.

Not to dismiss your true feelings and legitimate concerns -- but you're overthinking this. Having children only because you've been commanded to have children seems to me a risky and unwise strategy. Parenthood is a part of the human experience, and an overwhelmingly important part. Just explore that area. Try to put aside the preconceptions and preconditioning you've acquired from your own childhood, and look at it through new eyes. Wade into the water. Taste it, test it, find out why people would willingly devote their lives to (or even give their lives up for) those children. It's a whole amazing world for you to explore.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Vort

[Sunday21]

@Woofs Hello! I sense you feel rather overwhelmed by life, right? Perhaps, motherhood is not your path?

Perhaps, Heavenly Father can help you shoulder the load in your life?  Have you taken out your endowments? If not, could this be a goal? If yes, maybe you could visit the temple? Could you think of a few projects to bring yourself closer to God? Praying at lunch? Reading scriptures daily? How is visiting teaching coming along? 

When life is overwhelming for me, I make a gospel oriented goal, like doing visit teaching closer to the beginning of the month or praying more often. Not too big a challenge but an improvement.

Re dying alone. You could begin petitioning the Lord to die with an income and the ability to care for yourself. Weary the Lord! 

Good luck with everything! Let us know how you get on!

You might want to post under ‘Support for Hard Time’ next time to avoid trolls! 

[Midwest LDS]

I wasn't all that great at dating myself @Woofs I'm just lucky my wife gave me a chance lol. I think that, if you are an active member of the church who has a testimony of the Savior, you'll find someone no matter what your personal situation may be. Best of luck to you.

[seashmore]

On 10/2/2017 at 7:04 AM, Woofs said:

I'm 32, female, single, and have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant or have kids.

 I have a lot of respect for people that choose to raise kids; it's an important role and I recognize that.  And I also know that in the Family Proclamation to the World, that "God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force".  And yet I can't help the way I feel. I don't hate kids or anything. I just don't have a shred of desire to raise one.  I've never before felt any maternal desire, I've never looked at a baby and thought "that'd be nice", or anything like that.   I think I am a responsible and mature adult, and at 32, I really doubt my feelings on motherhood are going to change--I've been waiting and hoping for them to change since I was 10 and first realized I didn't want kids. I just can't picture them in my future.  I'm aware there are many people that can't have kids would give anything to have them and can't fathom why I would willingly give them up. I don't know. I wish I could give them my fertility!

The problem is that I feel a dissonance between my deeply ingrained feelings (or lack thereof) and the commandment to have kids. This commandment...I have a hard time with it.  Like I am supposed to cede control over my body, a very private and intimate part of my body. With life long consequences. People have told me "it's different when they are yours",  or "you'll never know unless you try" but this seems like a dangerous gamble.  There is no trial period for motherhood, no return policy. A child deserves to be born and raised into a home where the parents truly want them.  I wouldn't be happy with a child, and the child would not be happy being raised by me. 

The interesting thing is that in my patriarchal blessing there is mention of me having children. I remember being troubled by this when I first received the blessing when I was 19.  I don't understand this.  

Anyway I'm not really sure how to resolve this. I want to be faithful and I want to follow the commandments, but I feel like this is one that I don't know how to follow.  How can I align my will with God's? Can I still reach exaltation?   This really worries me.  I'd appreciate any support and insight. 

EDIT: Based on the responses so far, I feel like should clarify and add some things I guess I should have put in my original post.

1) Don't worry, I'll get married first!  LOL.  I didn't mention this at first because I just thought it was a given that I'd get married before having kids, seeing as we are in an LDS discussion board, after all. I do want to resolve this within myself so that I can make myself more eligible for marriage. Not many LDS guys are interested in dating someone who either doesn't want kids or is unsure, and I'm going to be honest with the men I date about how I feel about motherhood.

2) I haven't been waiting idly around for change to happen. I have prayed for a desire to have kids and have my will be aligned with God's,, I've looked at incredible mothers with admiration, I strive to keep the commandments. I'm trying to be a better person, I really am. 

3) I've given some serious thought about why I haven't felt any desire for kids. I think my clinical depression may have something to do with it. And I mean serious depression. My childhood, teens, and early twenties were characterized by tortuous depression that I've only recently felt control over.  Finding the right medication, therapy, and recognizing what makes it better or worse has been key. I have recognized through harrowing experience with birth control pills (for acne) that hormonal fluctuations make a huge difference.  The difference between being able to function and feel like myself vs daily crying spells, panic attacks requiring a trip to the ER, and having to drop out of university for a year. Being pregnant involves hormonal changes. I never want to go to that dark place in my life again because of hormones. (I'm not sure what I'll do when I go through menopause but that is a matter for another day.)  I'm not sure if I would mentally survive pregnancy and the post-partum period.  I guess I should consider adoption.  

4) I get my clinical depression from my mother's side of the family, and I remember as a child seeing my own mother's depression deepen and deepen with each successive child. By the time she had my little brother, her last of 6 kids, her depression had completely taken over.  She medicated it with endless opioids.  She recently admitted to me that she was trying to escape the stress and worries of raising kids in conjunction with her depression. The more her children needed her and required her attention, the more opioids and benzos she took, and she fell into a miserable, drug induced stupor for the next 15 years.  She attempted suicide several times and rarely left her bed.  It was miserable for both her and us kids.  I remember as a little kid equating motherhood with depression, because that was all I knew.  It's hard to purge that emotion from that experience, even though I know from a logical standpoint that motherhood does not equal depression.  It's almost like when a person has a phobia of an innocuous object--they know it is harmless, but it doesn't stop them from feeling what they feel, you know?

5) I finally have a hold on my depression, but it is tenuous and requires a lot of self care to maintain. It may sound selfish, but I feel it is critical for my mental health. I dread going back to my dark place and giving my hypothetical kids the same childhood I had. I feel like with my mental health intact, I've been able to better serve those around me. 

Anyways, I know this has been a long post and even longer edit, and I want to give an internet cookie to anyone who made it to the end of it. Whew. I've gotten a lot off of my chest here. 

I get a stale cookie for being late.

As a fellow 32 y/o single woman and someone who has Seasonal Affective Disorder (and who hasn't read what anyone else said), I suggest shelving this concern until you become involved with someone who seems like he'd be a good husband for you.  Your mental health is important, and it sounds like this is a heavier weight than you need in your pack right now.  Raising a family and running a household is a team effort, and I know it sounds hokey, but you may meet someone who makes you feel like you can mother a child.  Don't rule that possibility out.  Now, this may just be me, but I don't think bringing this up on the first few dates is necessary to be honest.  Especially if you are willing and trying to change your desires.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

On 10/2/2017 at 5:04 AM, Woofs said:

The interesting thing is that in my patriarchal blessing there is mention of me having children. I remember being troubled by this when I first received the blessing when I was 19.  I don't understand this.  

Given what you have explained about your childhood (with your mother suffering from depression) and your own depression (even if it happened later) it is not surprising at all that you felt troubled by that part of your blessing.  

I have experienced serious depression, to the point of being suicidal (with a plan), my mother also suffered from depression, so I understand where you are coming from.  Fortunately, my depressive period "only" lasted about 3 years (not my children's whole life.)  

The Lord loves you. He is mindful of what you have on your plate with the depression.  He is much more loving than we are!  This line in your blessing could be referring to the next life, so try not to worry about it too much (I know easier said than done.)   Perhaps you will be infertile and adopt children.  Perhaps you will get pregnant and love it....not everyone has severe hormonal issues.  The Lord will guide you through whatever will be.  He knows your heart and He loves you. Trust Him.