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[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[Guest]

11 hours ago, priesthoodpower said:

The thing that inspires her is looking at other fit people on instagram or FB and wanting to look like that. Her weight loss journey and motivation has been all about making herself feel good for herself (which is the right way to do it) and not to please me . Like I mentioned in the OP she came to the awareness to "keep herself up" when she realized that we were on the path to divorce, she was no longer in love with me nor receiving the love/attention from me so she figured out a way to get attention from others was to improve her physique.

So, that's the first half of the first half.  Are you ok with her motivations?

You say it is the "right way to do it."  Yet, you had previously commented that YOU were disappointed in the way she let herself go.  And when she looked better, you were disappointed that it was because of other men, not you.  If it was for HER, then you would simply be happy that she looks better.

So, are you really being honest about this?  This is not an accusation.  I'm pointing out to you that if you're more honest about your motivations as well as hers, you can more easily come to understand the root of your problems.

Edited December 12, 2017 by Guest

[Vort]

To risk stating the obvious: Sex simply does not mean the same thing to a woman that it means to a man. The reward of great sex daily, or even several times a week, would be more than enough to encourage most men to stay in good shape for their wives. Seems that's not the case for most women.

[anatess2]

26 minutes ago, Vort said:

To risk stating the obvious: Sex simply does not mean the same thing to a woman that it means to a man. The reward of great sex daily, or even several times a week, would be more than enough to encourage most men to stay in good shape for their wives. Seems that's not the case for most women.

Which is a sad thing.

Have you ever heard of women faking "it" (you know what I mean here?).  It's not uncommon to hear women admit to other women that they fake it with their husbands.  I think that's horrible. 

Anatess gender studies 101:  A man shouldn't feel bad if his woman just wants to give him a gift and not need the same gift in return.  The woman shouldn't have to lie to make her man not feel like a jerk.  A man can return the favor by sitting there, paying attention, trying to understand what his woman is saying even if at the end he says, "I don't get it but good for you, woman.  You're doing great."  For this man, if he says he wants long hair, I'll keep long hair, if he wants good physique, I'd be right next to him at the gym.  It's really awesome for this woman when her man will spend hours talking to her (or letting her talk is just fine too). 

 

Edited December 12, 2017 by anatess2

[lostinwater]

On 12/5/2017 at 7:30 PM, priesthoodpower said:

Her feelings of love and security under my arm caused her to slack on her diet, miss days at the gym and start gaining weight. She doesnt know it but I have observed that when she is in love with me she puts the weight back on. When shes "over" me, she goes hard at the gym.

Just a thought for consideration.  Are you absolutely certain the weight gain is as a result of something you are doing or not doing?  It may be because she is experiencing a tsunami of pain for some unrelated reason and dealing with it the best way she knows how to.

Not meant to be a criticism of either you or your wife - i hope it's not interpreted as such - but i know i often assume i am the cause of good or bad things, and then find myself surprised again and again when it turns out not to be the case.

[anatess2]

16 minutes ago, lostinwater said:

Just a thought for consideration.  Are you absolutely certain the weight gain is as a result of something you are doing or not doing?  It may be because she is experiencing a tsunami of pain for some unrelated reason and dealing with it the best way she knows how to.

Not meant to be a criticism of either you or your wife - i hope it's not interpreted as such - but i know i often assume i am the cause of good or bad things, and then find myself surprised again and again when it turns out not to be the case.

Pain doesn't go away when you're getting divorced, though, so this doesn't seem like the case.

[anatess2]

My advice worth 2 cents.  It's not worth more than that:

I'd just sit down with my wife and ask her if they can do gym and diet things together.  Just tell her honestly and lovingly that you love looking at her sexy self and it makes you want to fantasize about her hotness all day long and encourage you to be the best man possible to be worthy of such hotness.

Or something like that.  One thing women like is to be the hero of her guy's universe that saved her guy from the deep dark abyss. 

 

[estradling75]

1 minute ago, anatess2 said:

Pain doesn't go away when you're getting divorced, though, so this doesn't seem like the case.

Indeed... sadly it sounds like she might be thinking the "grass is greener...." in regards to divorce.  And she might even enjoy her "freedom" for awhile but odds are she is going to find herself worse off rather then better off afterwards.

[lostinwater]

5 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Pain doesn't go away when you're getting divorced, though, so this doesn't seem like the case.

Thanks.  Apologies. i should have been clearer.  i didn't mean pain specific to the divorce, or it's possibility.  Just something she might have been dealing with that was completely unrelated.  

[anatess2]

12 minutes ago, lostinwater said:

Thanks.  Apologies. i should have been clearer.  i didn't mean pain specific to the divorce, or it's possibility.  Just something she might have been dealing with that was completely unrelated.  

I didn't mean pain specific to the divorce.  If she's been dealing with some pain - say, back pain for example - that is preventing her from controlling her weight, then it doesn't make sense that her back pain would disappear when she is working on getting divorced.  

[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[priesthoodpower]

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[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[Guest]

3 hours ago, priesthoodpower said:

She lost weight the right way, to please herself and feel better about herself...

<cut>

Well, that was a long way to say (if I interpreted you correctly) that you're NOT ok with her motivations.  That means you've got some work to do.

Before I go on, I will tell you that I do believe that if she's doing as she says, then she is probably not motivated by a good spirit.  I would tell her so.  But she's not here.  You're here.  So, I'll say some things to you too.

1. I believe you are asking for something that will never be.  You want her to "look good" for herself.  But then you want her to cover up and be more modest.  To her, looking good is not just about being thinner or having a better shape.  It is about putting herself on display.  SHE WANTS TO BE ON DISPLAY AS "SEXY".  That is her motivation whether for other men or other women (Not in a lesbian way.  Women just do that as a competitive thing).  It seems that you're not ok with that.  That's between you and her.  But if you want to bring her back to LDS standards, then you need to find a way for her to be able to display herself in a modest way.  Part of that would be to change her way of thinking about what "looks good."  She thinks "good" is "sexy."  Until she realizes that it can mean modest and "nice" then you will always have a conflict about this.

2.So far you have not admitted that you really want her to look good for you.  Are you really going to try to sell the idea that you don't care how she looks?  Not for her, not for her health, not for any other reasons.  But that to please you is not on the list?  In fact, it is not pretty high on the list?  Then what is the motivation for her?  She wants to be on display.  She WANTS you to think she's sexy ALL THE TIME.  And you are trying to deny this and tell her that it doesn't matter to you?  How can she be inspired by that?

At some point, you've got to decide that your wanting her to be sexy is not evil.  It's not naughty. It is almost expected of a husband.  She WANTS you to want her.  But if you keep telling her that the way she looks doesn't matter to you, then what is her obvious conclusion?  She has to at least subconsciously believe "You don't want her."  Do you think this might cause a problem?

3. You had several children by her and she gains weight because of it.  You started condemning her for it.  How do you think she feels?  You can tell her all you want that it is for her and not for you.  But all she hears is "she's not sexy to you."  "You don't want her" anymore.  There is a balance on a razor's edge that husbands must walk.  When you look at her, you may still perceive her current physical state.  But on some level you must see that beautiful, healthy, young woman you married.  Does she hear that from you?  How often.  She needs to be told about 7 times a day.  That's not an exaggeration.  It really is a magic number.  And you've got to mean it.  How often do you gaze into her eyes?  How often do you give her a passionate kiss?  How often to you give her tender hugs that lets her know that all your stresses go away once you have her in your arms?

Now, if you're doing all these things, then I guess I'm wrong and you can ignore all I said.  But with the troubles you've described, I find it difficult to believe she would be pulling away from you if you were doing all that -- unless she's just plain whacko.  Then it's anyone's game.

[anatess2]

4 hours ago, priesthoodpower said:

I tell her all the time that she looks really good but I also tell her she dresses a little to skimpy which cause other men to fantasize about her too, she gets very defensive and will not budge to my suggestion of her dressing a little more modest.

That's where you ruined it.  She can't be the hero of your universe if you're lumping her with the bad guys and that bolded line there... that puts her in the bad guy territory of your movie.  Of course she's going to be defensive.  And yep, it could lead to resentment.

You need better communication skills.  You need to encourage her to do things you like instead of point out things she does that you don't like.  Get it?  Ok, here's an easy example:

Instead of:  "You dress a little too skimpy which causes other men to fantasize about you too."  (makes her the villain in the movie)

You say:  "I love this <other more modest> dress!  You look super hot in it."  (makes her the hero in the movie)

So yeah, you can say 100 hero things in one day and you say 1 villain thing.  Guess what she's going to remember more?  Yep.  The 1.

In any case, until you learn to communicate to each other better, your problems will not go away.  My husband and I have been together for so long that we don't have to say a thing to understand each other.  So my husband can say, "Nah, that looks bad on you." and I know he was just saying it like it is and not intending to make me feel bad.  But until you've reached this point in your relationship, you get to be a lot more careful with how you express yourself to your wife.

 

 

[Guest]

33 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

You say:  "I love this <other more modest> dress!  You look super hot in it."  (makes her the hero in the movie)

This reminds me of a line in "Housesitter".

Davis: If we're going to be spending so much time together, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't wear certain outfits.

Gwen: Oh, you mean like tight and revealing?

D: Tight and revealing, meh... I'm actually talking about this:  (holds up a totally normal, modest outfit) You have no idea what this does to a guy like me.

G: (holds up a knit sweater with Christmas stuff on it) How about like this?

D: (shock and anger) ESPECIALLY not that!

At the end of the movie we see her wearing that sweater.

Edited December 13, 2017 by Guest

[NightSG]

On 12/13/2017 at 4:37 AM, priesthoodpower said:

On the flip side and the point I was making in my OP, single women (my girlfriend at the time and now my wife) value chivalry as a motivation to look good and attract a mate. Then why would they "let themselves go" after attracting their mate and still expect chivalry to exist?

Because you're not allowed to change, even if they do.

[Guest MormonGator]

You know just for the record-you'll age too someday, and you won't look as sexy as you did at 18. The shallowness of this thread is troubling to me, as is the treatment of women. 

To all ladies who have read this thread: I apologize. Hopefully not all LDS men are like this. 

Edited January 23, 2018 by MormonGator

[Vort]

27 minutes ago, NightSG said:

On 12/13/2017 at 2:37 AM, priesthoodpower said:

On the flip side and the point I was making in my OP, single women (my girlfriend at the time and now my wife) value chivalry as a motivation to look good and attract a mate. Then why would they "let themselves go" after attracting their mate and still expect chivalry to exist?

Because you're not allowed to change, even if they do.

A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change. A woman marries a man thinking she can change him. Inevitably, both are disappointed.

-Someone Much Cleverer Than Me

[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[Jane_Doe]

3 minutes ago, priesthoodpower said:

This has been very helpful information, I have been practicing to bite my tongue and it has worked, she tends to really love and appreciate me when Im not criticizing her choice of dress and actions. thank you anatess.

You're a good man.

[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[priesthoodpower]

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Edited August 10, 2020 by priesthoodpower

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

On 1/23/2018 at 1:23 PM, MormonGator said:

You know just for the record-you'll age too someday, and you won't look as sexy as you did at 18. The shallowness of this thread is troubling to me, as is the treatment of women. 

To all ladies who have read this thread: I apologize. Hopefully not all LDS men are like this. 

Thank you!