clwnuke

AMom31,
You are not alone when it comes to those who didn't or don't feel that therapy and counseling was moving them forward. Elder Craig A. Cardon gave a talk recently where he outlined the difference between "programmatic" and "heart changing" approaches to problems. He mentioned that most of the time we (you, me, the church, etc.,) default to ineffective programmatic solutions because they are simple. We avoid the hard "heart changing" approaches to problems because they are less certain, much more difficult, and it takes far more time.
For example, when we have problems keeping our God-given opposite-sex attractions within the bounds the Lord has set (that's my description of pornography) leaders and well-meaning friends will almost all suggest the programmatic approach - "Stop now, attend a twelve-step program and counseling, recognize how much your spouse and family feels betrayed, pray for strength, read your scriptures every day and then everything should work out." They do that because it's easy to measure if you've done those things. But as Elder Cardon pointed out, it rarely ever changes the heart and the person who is struggling doesn't overcome the problem internally despite doing all those things and ends up feeling even more "lost and abandoned by God and the Gospel."
It sounds to me like the two of you have started the "heart" changing process by talking a lot and being 100% honest with each other. Add being non-judgmental, caring, and helpful to each other with a firm commitment to stand by each other in your trials and you have a firm foundation for developing a long-term plan to slowly walk away from Satan's lies that true happiness can be found in sexual imagery or extra-marital relations.
We will never lose our natural desires to see the human body. But we can examine our impulses and separate truth from reality in a step-by-step fashion over time. Gradually we can bring more and more of our daily behaviors in line with the bounds the Lord has set and that will bring more joy into our life and marriage as our heart will have changed in the process. I sincerely hope you can find some wonderful people to help you both as you progress on that journey. People you can trust to love and help you both no matter how long it takes. People who see you as the sons and daughters of God that we are in a world full of challenges.
The analogy that I like to use is that you can't bring a plane that's going the wrong way home by turning the engines off in flight. You have to work to turn it in the right direction and then gradually descend to the ground. Along the way there will be numerous course corrections, each one helping a little bit. Turbulence is a given, but don't let it stop your progress.
Again, we are all praying for you!

AMom31,
You are not alone when it comes to those who didn't or don't feel that therapy and counseling was moving them forward. Elder Craig A. Cardon gave a talk recently where he outlined the difference between "programmatic" and "heart changing" approaches to problems. He mentioned that most of the time we (you, me, the church, etc.,) default to ineffective programmatic solutions because they are simple. We avoid the hard "heart changing" approaches to problems because they are less certain, much more difficult, and it takes far more time.
For example, when we have problems keeping our God-given opposite-sex attractions within the bounds the Lord has set (that's my description of pornography) leaders and well-meaning friends will almost all suggest the programmatic approach - "Stop now, attend a twelve-step program and counseling, recognize how much your spouse and family feels betrayed, pray for strength, read your scriptures every day and then everything should work out." They do that because it's easy to measure if you've done those things. But as Elder Cardon pointed out, it rarely ever changes the heart and the person who is struggling doesn't overcome the problem internally despite doing all those things and ends up feeling even more "lost and abandoned by God and the Gospel."
It sounds to me like the two of you have started the "heart" changing process by talking a lot and being 100% honest with each other. Add being non-judgmental, caring, and helpful to each other with a firm commitment to stand by each other in your trials and you have a firm foundation for developing a long-term plan to slowly walk away from Satan's lies that true happiness can be found in sexual imagery or extra-marital relations.
We will never lose our natural desires to see the human body. But we can examine our impulses and separate truth from reality in a step-by-step fashion over time. Gradually we can bring more and more of our daily behaviors in line with the bounds the Lord has set and that will bring more joy into our life and marriage as our heart will have changed in the process. I sincerely hope you can find some wonderful people to help you both as you progress on that journey. People you can trust to love and help you both no matter how long it takes. People who see you as the sons and daughters of God that we are in a world full of challenges.
The analogy that I like to use is that you can't bring a plane that's going the wrong way home by turning the engines off in flight. You have to work to turn it in the right direction and then gradually descend to the ground. Along the way there will be numerous course corrections, each one helping a little bit. Turbulence is a given, but don't let it stop your progress.
Again, we are all praying for you!

Dear AMom31,
Your post is so heart wrenching! But something you wrote is a very important concern to me - "I stopped [therapy] for financial reasons."
It concerns me that so many people can't seem to get marriage counseling or advice they need because of the cost. I realize that speaking with Church leaders or clergy is free, but it is also true that very few church leaders have the expertise or understanding to provide much more than a listening ear and a caring heart.
AMom31, let me ask this: If you and your husband had been able to discuss these matters with a private, caring, non-judgmental and non-professional couple for free, do you think that would that have been helpful?

You can change your weight... if you want...  But having the expectation that your spouse will change to be more to your liking in such an issue is asking for heartbreak and hard times

The Stake President submits one name for a person to be called as a Bishop. Sometimes that name will be denied, not very often from what I know. Once Stale President has First Presidency approval he then has an interview set up with potential candidate and his wife. He extends calling to them during this interview. He will read the letter to you and let you have it once you and spouse accept calling. If that person is ever called as a Bishop again he does not have to submit name to First Presidency. The Stake President gets approval from the Area Presidency.
For a Stake President .....all members of High Council and Bishops go through the interview process. You fill out a form and put information on this form and a picture is attached. After all interviews are completed the person they are going to call as Stake President will be invited back for an interview and they will ask for your wife to be there too. I have been fortunate to have been interviewed 4 times and one of these interviews was done by Elder Oaks of the 12. I am tickled to death I was never called as a Stake President.

All your puny numbers pale in comparison to mine!
 

I can see your point. But I think it's important to also include that people's understanding of "nothing" has changed drastically in the last couple of hundred years. Those who lived long ago thought that air was nothing. Even today physicists  discuss the concept of "vacuum energy" roughly defined below:
 
"Vacuum energy is an underlying background energy that exists in space throughout the entire Universe. One contribution to the vacuum energy may be from virtual particles which are thought to be particle pairs that blink into existence and then annihilate in a timespan too short to observe."  Wikipedia
 
So perhaps it's just semantics when we say God created the heavens out of nothing or fashioned it out of something. If nothing is really something then both interpretations may be correct.
 
No matter what we think here on earth, I'm sure we will all be fascinated beyond measure to discover all the glory of God's creations and the processes He uses in the next life.

Did you know that "emacs" can be rearranged to spell "acmes"?
 
Or "maces"?
 
Or "e-scam"?
 
Just saying.

I don't think the letter suggestion you outlined answers many questions though. Why weren't they inspired though? Were they inspired not to call you because you weren't worthy? Righteous enough? If we believe that they were inspired by the Holy Ghost as is expected, the question and the answer should probably come from the Lord, asked by you. I am not sure how a letter such as this would help anyone feel comforted in not being called. And perhaps if you knew they did feel inspired not to call you and you prayed about it, you may just get the same confirmation by the Holy Ghost that it wasn't to be. 
 
Me personally, I don't even want to know all of the positions I have been considered for. I have a feeling that there may be many people out there that would feel rejected if they knew. We look at the current climate of some members and the social attitude we have about everything. I can imagine the uproar when someone goes to the web about why they weren't called as Bishop.  There are those that would welcome it, but many that would not I suppose.
 
I understand that your main question was with callings such as SP and Bishops, I wonder if callings up the ladder (so to speak)  are even more personal. I mean, what if you are called to be a Seventy? Or one of the Twelve? 

For me the Fifth Article of Faith would be the answer to why I was not called (or called even if that ever turns out to be the case)
 
5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.
 
Its all right there...  As for people who for some reason snicker at a man that got turned down and simply showing off their own sins.   Anyone that makes it pass their Stake President to have their names be submitted has got to be doing lots of things right.  No their not perfect, but at that level it more about being the right person at the right time, (aka who God wills) then some personal imperfection or transgression.

Well, it's like they say, God knows your sins, maybe the church does too.
I mean, how do they know if you are active or not?  Are they somehow taking attendance records at Sacrament Meeting?
I suppose I would want to know.  To be sure it was not some false information or something.
I don't have to worry, tho'.  I have a beard and I'm not married, so I'm categorically out of consideration.  Even if I get married, I probably won't shave the beard.
dc

Having grown up outside of Utah I think I can relate to people's feelings about "Utah Mormons", but I have seen the cold reception to the ward experience in places other than Utah. Too many Mormons look and act like they have been "weaned on lemon juice through a dill pickle".
 
Now that I am older I can understand that there are definite psychological differences between growing up in a place where the Church is strong and dominant versus a place where you are a very small minority. It does result in different expectations and behavior, but there is never a reason for any ward to be unfriendly and clique-ish.
 
Do your best to make the ward a better place, love your neighbors, and let the Lord do the judging. Be the most wonderfully wacky outside influence for good that you can be :)

:)  I hear ya.
 
I wish we could all just be saints together instead of "Utah Mormons" or "Mission Field Mormons".  It's almost as if we are dividing up into '-ites'.  Although that would be a mouthful.  utahmormonites. missionfieldites.
 
This is how we should be (with editorial liberty):
 

I worked with someone who lived in Utah during his High School years and even though he was not LDS had acquired a bias against non-Utah Mormons. He felt Mormons outside of Utah were too goodie-goodie and uptight and Utah Mormons were more relaxed about their beliefs and accepting of others...LOL  The fact that growing up outside of Utah and all my best friends were non-LDS had no bearing I suppose. 
 
I thought I'd mention it because I had never heard of that before.
 
I personally have noticed that generally people who grow up in high percentage LDS areas have different perspectives then LDS who grow up in low percentage LDS areas. This is pretty obvious, so I never really get disappointed anymore when I run into an LDS person out in the world and he's less enthused then me that we share beliefs or feels no bond. 
 
Having traveled most of the States I can say that Utah, Idaho and Arizona are gems and if I had to live in a landlocked State I would not hesitate to live there. The people there are wonderful. My favorite people were from the Midwest and Texas and the coldest people I've encountered are from San Francisco and New York...and while I love the northwest, Seattle\Portland (my home town) is getting worse.

Having grown up outside of Utah I think I can relate to people's feelings about "Utah Mormons", but I have seen the cold reception to the ward experience in places other than Utah. Too many Mormons look and act like they have been "weaned on lemon juice through a dill pickle".
 
Now that I am older I can understand that there are definite psychological differences between growing up in a place where the Church is strong and dominant versus a place where you are a very small minority. It does result in different expectations and behavior, but there is never a reason for any ward to be unfriendly and clique-ish.
 
Do your best to make the ward a better place, love your neighbors, and let the Lord do the judging. Be the most wonderfully wacky outside influence for good that you can be :)

Having grown up outside of Utah I think I can relate to people's feelings about "Utah Mormons", but I have seen the cold reception to the ward experience in places other than Utah. Too many Mormons look and act like they have been "weaned on lemon juice through a dill pickle".
 
Now that I am older I can understand that there are definite psychological differences between growing up in a place where the Church is strong and dominant versus a place where you are a very small minority. It does result in different expectations and behavior, but there is never a reason for any ward to be unfriendly and clique-ish.
 
Do your best to make the ward a better place, love your neighbors, and let the Lord do the judging. Be the most wonderfully wacky outside influence for good that you can be :)

I believe that the communication is done via the Holy Spirit to our individual spirits. I speculate that spirit has the ability to cross boundaries of space and is not subject to time, so the Holy Spirit could have easily provided revelation to Christ on what others were thinking. That's why I think it is so important to be in "tune" with the Holy Spirit. It can provide access to all of God's wisdom.
 
Einstein referred to the property of Quantum Physics that allows infinite and instant communication of information as "spooky interaction at a distance". Once you've experienced the feeling of the Holy Spirit clearly revealing information to you, it stops being spooky and builds faith.

In computer software programming, there is the concept of an "interface". The idea is that I have some information of some sort in Part A of my program, and Part B needs to be able to get at that information. So I set up a sort of contract with Part A, wherein I agree or mandate that Part A will provide information in a certain, closely specified way. Part B can now ask Part A for the information, and Part A will provide it exactly as agreed. I don't guarantee how Part A will generate that information. No one knows; maybe Part A will go through a huge and complex formula to calculate it, or maybe Part A will simply read the information off of a database. That's my business. But Part A will provide the information in the format we have agreed on. Of that, everyone can be absolutely sure.
 
So, for example, when you ping your favorite stock site for the latest market information or a quote of the price of a share of XYZ Corporation, you don't know (or care) how the site is getting the information, how it's processing it, or anything like that. You care only that the information is accurate and that it is given to you in a form you can use.
 
I remember in the post-Apollo era of the 1970s, when I was a teenager, the US and the USSR decided to stage a political performance of sorts by having a US Apollo-type space capsule dock in low earth orbit with a Soviet Soyuz spacecraft. But of course, the docking mechanisms of each spacecraft were different, so a middle piece was needed, an adapter that fit the Apollo capsule on one end and the Soyuz spacecraft on the other. It was an interface that allowed communication between the two spacecraft, which would otherwise have been impossible or at least very difficult.
 
Our brains are private. Or maybe our brains actually are not private, but our spirits are private, which amounts to the same thing. I have for decades wondered in awe at the idea that you can have some idea in your brain, and then by flapping your lips and grunting, you can cause that same idea (or something very close to it) to arise in my mind!!! This is miraculous, even unbelievable. It is the miracle of language.
 
There is no way to transplant the idea from your brain directly into mine. There is no possible mechanism for that; on the cellular level, your brain is a completely different structure from my brain. Your synaptic connections between your neurons are utterly unique, certainly not the same as mine. The basic principles upon which your brain works are the same as mine, or very close, but the actual brains themselves bear only gross resemblance to each other. On the microscopic scale, they are unalike. Your idea exists in some combination of synaptic connections and firings, but you can't just go wire those same connections into my brain, because all the synapses are different.
 
So we need an interface, something to allow a translation between how your brain makes associations and how my brain does it. That interface is called "language". I believe there is also a spiritual language, which may or may not be spoken, but which serves the same purpose of bridging the gap between us. God knows this language perfectly, and we are struggling to learn it. So if it is impossible to "read minds", as I suspect it is, that doesn't mean it is impossible to "know thoughts". The two are not the same.
 
Hope that made some sense.

Science geek note: Perfection in stages only makes sense from our perspective where time matters. If time is taken out of the equation we will see perfection in a different way. It may make it easier to understand why Jesus called himself the great I AM or HE WHO IS in one rendered translation.
 
In other words, if God is the same yesterday, today, and forever then perfection is more of an eternal state than an accomplishment.
 
My weird 2 cents if it helps.

Kissing can be a very cultural thing. I agree with Just_A_Guy that it has a lot to do with why you are kissing. Also, people are not born with the same amount of comfort with physical affection. Some of my children were very affectionate, others were not. Some were in between. I've worked with people from countries where men greeted men and everyone greeted everyone with a kiss. I'm comfortable with that, but my wife was not.
 
I thought girls were a wonderful creation from as early as I can remember and I kissed my first girl at 5 so if you made it to near sixteen I applaud you! For the Strength of Youth addresses an appropriate dating age, but does not address an appropriate kissing age. However, any actions that would compromise your ability have the Holy Spirit guide you should be carefully considered by you.
 
Are you saying goodbye to someone you care about? IMHO there is no harm in that. Are you letting a kiss be the gateway to a lot more kissing and a relationship? At your age, it is not appropriate.
 
Have you asked your parents? Believe it or not, they understand these things and may have kissed a time or two in their young days as well. What a great topic to discuss with them! They are the first line of defense that God has given you for help and protection in this life you know  :)

I think we can all understand your feelings.
 
The reality is that the Lord already knows and if He were to appear in your room and discuss it with you I'm sure He would put His arms around you and express his deep Love for you, tell you that everything will be fine, encourage you to go forth and sin no more, and then counsel you to meet with your Bishop so that the Holy Ghost can truly be your constant companion on your mission.  
 
The Bishop is His servant and the Bishop's calling is to help you be worthy of all the Lord has to bless you with. He will not be disappointed in you, but will rejoice that you came forward with a broken heart and contrite spirit. It is the right thing to do.
 
The funny thing is that we often fear the reaction of the Bishop, our parents, or our friends more than God. God wants to forgive you, He loves you. He has already suffered to pay for the sins you've committed, He earnestly desires for you to take advantage of His Priesthood authority through the Bishop's administration.
 
Confessing to your Bishop is the wonderful way to "confess to God directly" and receive the Lord's personal revelation for you at this time. Don't delay, it's a blessing waiting to happen!

Science geek note: Perfection in stages only makes sense from our perspective where time matters. If time is taken out of the equation we will see perfection in a different way. It may make it easier to understand why Jesus called himself the great I AM or HE WHO IS in one rendered translation.
 
In other words, if God is the same yesterday, today, and forever then perfection is more of an eternal state than an accomplishment.
 
My weird 2 cents if it helps.

Kissing can be a very cultural thing. I agree with Just_A_Guy that it has a lot to do with why you are kissing. Also, people are not born with the same amount of comfort with physical affection. Some of my children were very affectionate, others were not. Some were in between. I've worked with people from countries where men greeted men and everyone greeted everyone with a kiss. I'm comfortable with that, but my wife was not.
 
I thought girls were a wonderful creation from as early as I can remember and I kissed my first girl at 5 so if you made it to near sixteen I applaud you! For the Strength of Youth addresses an appropriate dating age, but does not address an appropriate kissing age. However, any actions that would compromise your ability have the Holy Spirit guide you should be carefully considered by you.
 
Are you saying goodbye to someone you care about? IMHO there is no harm in that. Are you letting a kiss be the gateway to a lot more kissing and a relationship? At your age, it is not appropriate.
 
Have you asked your parents? Believe it or not, they understand these things and may have kissed a time or two in their young days as well. What a great topic to discuss with them! They are the first line of defense that God has given you for help and protection in this life you know  :)

JojoBag, there is no doubt for LDS people about the existence of our spiritual brothers and sisters who sided with Lucifer's plan and were subsequently "cast out" of the Father's plan. They were not cast out for their honest belief that Lucifer's plan was preferable, but for refusing to abide by the Father's decision to support Jesus and for rebellion. That is when Lucifer, a Son of the Morning, became Satan, the author of mortal sin.
 
I think the reason it is avoided by most members is that 1. We are ignorant about the subject, and 2. There are simply more weighty matters to be concerned with in day-to-day life. As others have pointed out, righteous living is the answer whether you can quote every church leader's mention of evil spirits or not.
 
Have I pondered the subject at times, yes. Have I experienced the dreadfully awful feeling of an evil spirit's presence, yes. Did I use the authority of Jesus Christ's name to cast out the spiritual presence, yes. Since that time I've often wondered why Satan must obey when when the name of Jesus is righteously invoked, but does that matter on most days, no.  All the law and the prophets hang on the two great commandments - not on pondering about evil spirits.
 
On the subject of women giving blessings - let them give mother's blessings all they want just like I do father's blessings. There is no Church restriction on blessing in the name of Jesus Christ. It is a prayer and not a Priesthood ordinance.
 
Some have mentioned women and the Priesthood. I am 100% in favor of it. How wonderful it would be able to have my dear wife join me while blessing a sick child!  I can think of no better structural change for the Church to move forward into all nations and countries. But I also 100% support the Lord's will that it is not to be at this time. It's His Church not mine. He can run it the way He wants. I love the fact that He allows me to freely have an opinion on the matter without judgement. I can fully support the Church leaders while I have that freedom.
 
God has had restrictions on Priesthood since the time of the children of Israel. Only one tribe and the sons of Aaron could exercise it then, but not one Eternal blessing will be withheld from the members of the other tribes because of that restriction. Same thing in our day - Church leaders withheld the Priesthood from black males, but not one Eternal blessing will be withheld from them because of that restriction. Same for women. 
 
On the subject of Ether 8 - conspiracies have always existed and Moroni makes it clear that they will in our day as well. Furthermore Moroni says we will awake to a sense of our awful situation. Not just a bad situation, but an awful one. Awful because we won't just be dealing with a drug cartel or some other piddly gang, but with an organization capable of overthrowing the freedom of "all lands, nations, and countries". That kind of power is difficult to ponder, and I'm not sure the Church is ready to face it yet. Zion needs to grow as much as possible before the secret combination Moroni refers to reveals itself.  
 
Joseph Smith once said that he had been too hasty in revealing his enemies. The young church needed to grow first. We simply can't have members accusing all sorts of people of being members of these secret combinations. The whole premise of a secret combination is that the identities of its members remain secret. A false accusation by a member does great harm to our cause.
 
But there is another way to oppose all members of all secret combinations without accusing anybody - learn correct principles and support them, while opposing wrong principles no matter who sustains them. That way you wisely oppose both the conspirators and the large body of ignorant people who are simply seeking power and gain for themselves. There is simply no need for us as Church members to discern who is a conspirator and who is not. The net of correct principles catches them all. And we can support these correct principles in a loving manner that keeps the two great commandments. There is far too much hate and malice in politics. We must stand firmly above it even when our enemies use it against us.
 
So in the end, do you see why I think our day-to-day activities should focus more around Gospel living? Righteous love of God and His children will further the Lord's cause far more than a focus on the individual issues you mention. Most members are still working on the basics. Don't worry if they can't handle the details. 
 
I'm not saying don't individually study and ponder subjects you are curious about. I'm simply saying don't make them your primary objective, and don't worry about why other people are not as curious as you are. Many scriptures and statements are meant to inspire individuals to action rather than the whole Church. 

In my experience, there are some men who would be great Bishops who are never called, and some men who should never be Bishops who are called. Our responsibility to the Lord is to help all of them succeed in serving His children.
 
When I was a very young Elders Quorum President, someone in the ward went to the Bishop to complain about my style of leadership. I found out about it, and when the Bishop called me in to talk about it I felt terrible. A very wise Bishop looked at me and simply said "Welcome to Church leadership!"
 
The Church has an order for things. In the absence of any exceptional need your request to change wards is not likely to be granted by the Stake President, but there is no wrong is discussing the matter with him. Good luck!