yjacket

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  1. Like
    yjacket reacted to Windseeker in The "ex" relationship   
    I absolutely count myself lucky. I just think there is hope. The irony is I literally did what Vort said, I specifically stopped dating a girl because she came from a broken home. Her mom was divorced and remarried 9 times. But I myself ended up divorced, I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up happily married. 
    My hope lies in the anecdote and not the statistic. There was a time when I warned my kids not to date people who had been abused because of my own experience, but I'm glad my Mother didn't take that advise.
    I'm sure there were those who avoided knowing the Savior because by all appearances he came from a broken home. 
  2. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from NeuroTypical in The "ex" relationship   
    No you wouldn't have everybody being unmarried.  It's called do not be unequally yolked.
    For the last paragraph . . .that's great, bully for you. . . except come back to me in 10 years when you want to complain about this or that in your marriage and you realize . . .oh well her mom hated her dad b/c he did xyz and divorced him b/c of blah and now she hates me b/c of xyz.  
    It's actually quite funny, people like to deny that this happens (and IMO they deny it b/c they don't want to seem "judgmental or discriminatory" and/or they think they are the exception-yet it does-it happens all the time.  Divorce rate is 40%, 40%, don't you think you'd want to do everything in your power to make sure your marriage isn't in the 40%.
    And then people think that after a year of dating, they really know someone-I got news for you-you don't. As if in a year of dating, you are really going to know how they are going to act when they have kids, when they get in fights, when they are taking care of a house, when they are working, etc..  You don't and you can't.  All you can go by is the current way they live their life and by how they were raised.
    50 years ago this was known as "they come from good stock".  If you come from "good stock" and they come from "good stock" you are more likely than not going to be "equally yolked", if you come from "good stock" and they don't, a higher likelihood that you will be "unequally yolked".  This isn't hard, it's not complex---it's just common sense (which unfortunately in today's world has gone out the window).
    Shoot, it's why the saying goes, if you want to know how a man treats his wife, look at how he treats his mother and a whole host of other pithy sayings about looking for a spouse and their family.  But common sense has flown right out the window in the modern culture.
  3. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from Windseeker in The "ex" relationship   
    Okay, that is great you are using an anecdotal case (I understand that for some reason with humans, anecdotal cases carry at least twice the weight of raw facts and statistics). Bravo for those who stayed together.  Statistics say that your anecdotal case is not normal-it is an exception.
    What part of statistics do people not understand?  If statistics say children from divorced home have a 15% higher likelihood of divorce, yet your anecdotal case shows the opposite . . .congratulations count yourself lucky to buck the trend. 
    Just know that your anecdotal case is not the norm. Just like the statistics show beyond a doubt that a child raised in an abusive home is more likely to be abusive.
    Count yourself lucky that the abuse did not pass down to the next generation. Just know that it is more an exception to the rule rather than the rule itself.
  4. Like
    yjacket reacted to Vort in The "ex" relationship   
    In principle, I agree with @yjacket. Coming from a broken home is no more a sin than, say, being sexually molested. But I would caution my child vociferously about marrying a victim of sexual abuse. Because you can be 99.3% sure that, if you marry a sexual abuse victim, you WILL suffer with her/him from the effects of that sexual abuse -- and you will suffer in intimate and excruciatingly painful ways. If you are man (or woman) enough to deal with that, all the best to you. But if you're looking for the best odds for making an eternal marriage, starting out your marriage by marrying a sexual abuse victim is a good way to start a half-mile back. I want the best for my child, so I don't want that. That is no reflection of the righteousness (or lack thereof) of the sexual abuse victim; it's merely a sober-eyed recognition of the severity of emotional damage done to such a person.
    The same logic applies to marrying someone from a broken home. Where do you think they get their model of marriage? Where do they get their idea for how to handle disagreement and even discord? Many have had such models and overcome them, but those "many" are still a minority.
    In the end, no one is perfect, even someone who comes from a loving home and never suffered sexual abuse. Obviously, I would much rather my child marry an honest, good-hearted child of divorce (or sexual abuse victim, or child of an unmarried mother) than an abusive sociopath from a "good" home. But rarely is a choice so stark, and rarely can we see that deeply into the souls of those we befriend at a young age. So you do the best you can and look out for the obvious flags.
    Look, if Little Freddie is justified in refusing to marry Sally because she's a redhead (or fat, or albino, or from Canada, or has acne, or is a Democrat, or has a hairy chin, or smells like Grandma, or chews with her mouth open, or whatever other lame reason bothers Little Freddie), why would anyone consider it beyond the pale for Freddy to refuse to consider marrying Sally because of her family history of poor or abusive relationships?
  5. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from Vort in The "ex" relationship   
    Lol . . .nope I am dead serious.  Actually the scriptures says the sins are passed down to the third and fourth generation.  And the reason for this is not that God curses them, but that the second generation learns from the first generation and it takes a huge amount of energy and will to ensure that the mistakes of the first generation do not happen with the second generation.  I've seen it in my own life; I have seen how sins from 2 prior generations have affected and caused misery in my current generation; eventually though it can be weeded out.
    I am 100% dead serious about advising my children to not marry or date someone from a broken home-they can ultimately do whatever they want ..  .but my advice is very, very sound.
    I'm not sure how old you are, but I have learned a lot in my life and one thing I have learned is that the main mechanism whereby men and women learn relationships about how to treat, act, honor the opposite gender is in the home and from their parents.  It's certainly not the only way, but it is the main way.  Certainly there are plenty of anecdotes like the ones you stated above, but facts don't give a rip about your feelings.
    https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/Family-Law-Blog/2012/October/32-Shocking-Divorce-Statistics.aspx
    http://www.children-and-divorce.com/children-divorce-statistics.html  
    Children from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced themselves, more likely to have emotional/mental problems, more likely to do worse in school, more likely to drop out of school, more likely to commit suicide.  Nothing good comes from divorce-it is a blight, a curse, and an evil upon this land.
    Ultimately, the main reason why I would advocate my children run from children of divorced parents is that it tells me that the parents did not focus on their marriage, but something else (be it children, money, other individuals) was more important in their life than their spouse.  Children pick up on that and ultimately will (subconsciously or not) replicate that in their own life.
    It's one of those things as you get older (i.e. mid 30s) you look at yourself and say . . . dang I'm just like my dad!!! or my mother!!! And once you recognize that as an adult, it takes a lot of very hard work to reprogram yourself to not be like your father or mother, etc.
    Your anecdotes are quite frankly crap and are the exception not the rule.  The absolute best environment for children to be raised, to learn how to be a responsible adult and responsible marriage partner is in a stable marriage with no divorce.
    But this advice would go for other things, do not be un-equally yolked in marriage.  The most important external factors in a stable marriage are 1) being raised in a stable family with mother and father, 2) coming from a similar culture-including religion, 3) coming from a similar economic background.  It might seem "discriminatory" or whatnot, but I don't really care-the objective is to have stable families and the best way to have stable families is to have two people who join together who come from a similar background who's personality and traits compliment each other.  
    Divorce rates for first marriage is already at 30-40% . . . . wouldn't you do everything and anything in your power to lower that rate??  The more in dissimilar two people are, the greater likelihood that the marriage will have conflict and lead to divorce.  Difference is good, but too much difference leads to major conflict.  Men and women are already plenty different, so one would want to keep the external differences to a minimum.
    Actually, probably one of the biggest reasons is that it distorts the view of proper male and female roles in marriage.  A girl raised from a divorced mother will more likely than not want to have a career (not good for a marriage), a boy raised from a divorced mother will prob. be okay with his wife working (not good for a marriage).  It will completely mess up how they think about marriage, what it means and what roles each person plays in the marriage-thus leading to conflict and more likely than not divorce.  
    Why do you think people today are delaying marriage so much, delaying having children so much?  It ain't just b/c they feel like it.  It's b/c they have learned from their divorced parents (40% of children come from divorced homes) that marriage doesn't work, so why get married?  Why have children?  If you have children and get divorced life becomes very, very rough.  Best just to enjoy the "hook-up" culture with no commitments.
    Divorce is evil and will be the ultimate root of destruction for this nation; destroy the family and you destroy a culture and a nation.
  6. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from priesthoodpower in I've Made a Mistake   
    Unfortunately, I think this may be a product of the modern world.  If you have a bad kid people look at you like your a bad parent; if your spouse is not at church sometimes people think there is something you are doing wrong.
    Loving someone, demonstrating kindness, etc. may help someone come back to church-but that shouldn't be why we do it.  Disciplining a child because they hit their sibling may help them to learn not to hit, but that shouldn't be why we do it.  We do these things b/c they are the right things to do regardless of whether the outcome is the desired outcome.
    Human beings are not rats, if I do this or if I do that, if I say this or if I say that then this person would be obedient, then this person would come back to church. We all have the ability to choose what we want in life and an essential part of being a parent and in being a spouse is understanding that we can't control the individual we love.
    We do the right things not b/c we want them to change their behavior, but simply because they are the right things to do.  I guess this is a long way of saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If we all realized this life would be much better.
  7. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from a mustard seed in writer: "stay-at-home moms are criminals!"   
    I actually disagree with this.  If you claim that feminism is about choice then women have always had that choice over the last 100 years.  Just b/c you make a choice that you want to work doesn't mean you will actually get a job.  I may make a choice that I want to be an astronaut . . .but in order to be an astronaut I must do a lot of things and someone must want to hire me.  Forcing someone to hire me b/c I'm black, white, male, female and I want to be an astronaut is morally wrong.  Identity politics is evil.
     I can't think of one thing that women were forced do to over the last 100 years.  Feminism is not about choice, it is about changing cultural expectations and norms-it is about moral equivalency; i.e. saying that the choice to work outside the home has the same moral equivalency as the choice to stay home, that th e choice to have children is the same moral equivalency as the choice not to have kids etc., etc. etc.
    Quite frankly, feminism doesn't have any place within the LDS church; why? B/c they aren't morally equivalent.  Sure a woman may make the choice to work outside them home . . .shoot I support the ability for women to work a 9-5 job if they so choose. I disagree severely with the choice, just like I disagree with drug use-but if you want to screw up your family life, be my guest.  
    The Church has always and will always teach the same principles about the Family enshrined in the Proclamation on the Family.  That proclamation and the truths declared where-in are 100% opposite of feminism and it's goals-which is about moral equivalency (i.e. that choice to stay at home is the same value choice as to work outside the home . . .and that is just patently false).
  8. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from The Folk Prophet in writer: "stay-at-home moms are criminals!"   
    I actually disagree with this.  If you claim that feminism is about choice then women have always had that choice over the last 100 years.  Just b/c you make a choice that you want to work doesn't mean you will actually get a job.  I may make a choice that I want to be an astronaut . . .but in order to be an astronaut I must do a lot of things and someone must want to hire me.  Forcing someone to hire me b/c I'm black, white, male, female and I want to be an astronaut is morally wrong.  Identity politics is evil.
     I can't think of one thing that women were forced do to over the last 100 years.  Feminism is not about choice, it is about changing cultural expectations and norms-it is about moral equivalency; i.e. saying that the choice to work outside the home has the same moral equivalency as the choice to stay home, that th e choice to have children is the same moral equivalency as the choice not to have kids etc., etc. etc.
    Quite frankly, feminism doesn't have any place within the LDS church; why? B/c they aren't morally equivalent.  Sure a woman may make the choice to work outside them home . . .shoot I support the ability for women to work a 9-5 job if they so choose. I disagree severely with the choice, just like I disagree with drug use-but if you want to screw up your family life, be my guest.  
    The Church has always and will always teach the same principles about the Family enshrined in the Proclamation on the Family.  That proclamation and the truths declared where-in are 100% opposite of feminism and it's goals-which is about moral equivalency (i.e. that choice to stay at home is the same value choice as to work outside the home . . .and that is just patently false).
  9. Like
    yjacket reacted to unixknight in So this happened...   
    This is Kathrynne, who joined us on Monday. 

  10. Like
    yjacket reacted to Bini in The "ex" relationship   
    Very interesting opinions so far. Any more?
     
    I lean towards Jane Doe's thinking. Keep it simple and don't get too involved. Why? There is a reason two people divorce. That doesn't mean you can't maintain civility but the 1-1 tie has ran its course; it is no longer. I know that my husband now and myself severed all ties from previous spouses/significant others. We did not stay in contact at all. It was the best thing for our marriage to be able to progress not having those connections with exes. 
  11. Like
    yjacket reacted to anatess2 in Unpleasant Behavior at work   
    The problem with this interview is that these things are very case specific.  It's not something you can just generalize like - if they got spat on, then it's not their fault... etc.  In any case, those questions are not really work-specific except for the "How do you handle conflict in a work environment?" one.  Because, whatever is "treated badly" outside of work would be the exact same as "treated badly" at work  Like - shaking your fist at somebody... that is not a work-related question because shaking your fist at somebody has nothing to do with work.  You could ask the same thing at the playground.  Now, work-related conflicts would be things like - poor management, incompetence, poor customer service, process failures, etc. 
    As far as general "treated badly" things - the difference between outside of work and inside work is how you go about solving the problem.  Each place of business have different rules for handling inter-office conflicts.  So, I guess I don't understand what behaviors your research is studying.  Because, first of all, "treated badly" at this point is subjective and case specific.  For example, you may think you're treated badly when you're just being a snowflake... etc.
    Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how conflict-resolution is done at my current job (which is different from the resolution steps from my previous job).  In my current job, my biggest challenge is being given a task where I am responsible for the outcome but I don't have power to accomplish it.  For example - I am given the task to produce a report for some bigwig within 8 hours.  If I fail at this task, the bigwig is going to see my name as the responsible person on this delivery which could affect my ability to get more projects (I work/get paid by project contract).  But, to produce the report, I am completely dependent on the data source.  I don't have power over the data source, so if the data guy gives me crap data or is late in giving me data, my task will fail.  I can't apply any consequences to the data guy for the failure and I can't demand that he produce quality work.  So, I have 3 choices - 1.) do the job and risk failure, 2.) turn down the project (not good for my reputation), 3.) present the problem to the bigwig for him to decide what to do (applies to US project. If it's a German project, we go to worker's council).  If I go with option 3 and the bigwig doesn't do anything I go back to either option 1.) or 2.) or 3.) go to the bigwig's boss.  So, depending on the situation, I can choose either one of those 3 - I would choose option 1 if I know the data guy's work ethic personally.  If not, I would go with option 3 and if that doesn't work out, I go with option 2 as my last resort.
    Now, let's say I wasn't assigned the project but I see some other guy assigned the project.  I'm going to talk to the guy and point to him the pitfalls of the project and what I would do if I was in his shoes.
    Ok, so how about if my boss is a racist against Filipinos?  Depends.  If I'm getting paid good money, he can call me monkey and disrespect me all he wants as long as that paycheck keeps coming.  If I'm not getting paid good enough to put up with racists, then I'd quit my job and find better work.  What if my boss is racist to my black workmate?  I'm going to go talk to that workmate and ask him if he's paid enough money to put up with racists.  If not, I'll help him find another job.  You might say... why do I not report the boss to HR or something?  Because... just because you're a racist doesn't mean you are not good at your job.   What does it matter if he's a racist if he can produce high quality work that makes me good money?  His racism is his problem.  Now, if he sucks at his job or he is gonna cause me to lose my money - racist or not, I'm reporting him to his boss or to HR so they can fix the problem.
  12. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from eddified in I've Made a Mistake   
    Unfortunately, I think this may be a product of the modern world.  If you have a bad kid people look at you like your a bad parent; if your spouse is not at church sometimes people think there is something you are doing wrong.
    Loving someone, demonstrating kindness, etc. may help someone come back to church-but that shouldn't be why we do it.  Disciplining a child because they hit their sibling may help them to learn not to hit, but that shouldn't be why we do it.  We do these things b/c they are the right things to do regardless of whether the outcome is the desired outcome.
    Human beings are not rats, if I do this or if I do that, if I say this or if I say that then this person would be obedient, then this person would come back to church. We all have the ability to choose what we want in life and an essential part of being a parent and in being a spouse is understanding that we can't control the individual we love.
    We do the right things not b/c we want them to change their behavior, but simply because they are the right things to do.  I guess this is a long way of saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If we all realized this life would be much better.
  13. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from Just_A_Guy in My love life has been a failure!   
    Truth . . . rather than learn how to flirt, learn how to be a good person.  A good person will be friendly, complimentary, helpful, etc.  Flirting isn't about pick-up lines or dopey catch phrases-it's about genuinely being complimentary.  Besides most "normal" flirting in this modern world ends up having some sort of sexual innuendo and if the girl you are trying to date is into that stuff do you really want to be dating her???? 
    Most good flirting (i.e. the non-sexual innuendo type) really just comes down to being comfortable and playing around (i.e. having a good sense of humor).  We do it all the time with people we know and love, except we don't call it flirting b/c we know them, they know us and we don't have an ulterior motive-we just want to enjoy the other person's company.  
    The best thing you can do is just to be comfortable in your own skin-that principle works not just in the dating game for for all sorts of "games"-it works in the political arena, it works for work, networking, business,etc.  We don't call it flirting in the other areas b/c the intent isn't to date, the intent is to develop a business relationship, to get a job, to get a promotion etc.  But ultimately, you've got to be comfortable and confident in your own skin.  
    You find in live that sometimes (many times) your personality doesn't match up with the business relationship you are trying to develop or the network or the job, or whatever. In those instances,you just accept the loss, learn from it (if you can) and move on-there is always another opportunity, another relationship, another whatever.
    Then the only way you really get good at it is through practice . . .some people just have a natural talent and knack-but most of us have to practice and the only way to practice, i.e. to be comfortable in your own skin is to just simply do it-no amount of reading, studying, etc. will ever make up for just doing it.  So no matter how many times you get shot down, you just keep working at it, find a girl you're interested in ask her out on a date and then just learn and be introspective.  
    Don't ask her "what did I do right or what did I do wrong", no one is going to tell you-sometimes you've just got to learn it on your own.
  14. Like
    yjacket reacted to classylady in My love life has been a failure!   
    Flirting is overrated. The trick, I found, when in my singles Ward, was to just be friendly. Say, "hi."  Make positive comments about the lesson or about the General Conference talks. Be genuine. Tell people "it's good to see you". Give some true compliments, such as "I appreciated your testimony", "I enjoyed your lesson", etc.  Go to the activities. Just by doing that I had more dates than I ever imagined, because, like you, I also had insecurities. Looking back, the reason (I think) I had plenty of dates was because I was "safe". The young men weren't afraid of being "shot down" by me. I had been friendly to them.  They knew who I was because I had talked to them and I was genuinely interested in them.
    Twenty-five isn't all that old. If you feel you aren't all that interesting, then do something to change that. Do some fun things, like learning to play an instrument. You're never too old to learn something new.  I'm in my sixties now, and I'm going to start guitar lessons.  Perhaps, you could find a few people who would like to hike some trails with you. Find something that interests you and learn that new skill. You might find a hidden talent you never knew you had. 
  15. Like
    yjacket reacted to priesthoodpower in I've Made a Mistake   
    AGmom hang in there, im in a similar situation, my wife left the church completely about 6 years ago. The first few years were hard but im slowly realizing that I need to change my perspective on the situation. The problem is that I see her as someone who rejected the church and because the church means a lot to me she therefore rejects me. I guess I got too much pride.
    I thought about what would happen if we got divorced, what if I fell in love with another woman who was not religious? I would not have any type of religious expectations of her and I would just simply love her for who she is. That is the perspective that I am trying to gain with my wife, its hard but its what Christ would do.
    One thing that does not help is attending church every sunday and the members wondering where my wife is. The looks on peoples faces and some of the conversations I have with ward friends and leaders is that they care so much for her welfare that we must be doing something wrong. That is when church feels like its a toxic environment when people cannot use their Christ eyes and Christ mouths.
  16. Like
    yjacket reacted to AGMom in I've Made a Mistake   
    Thank you so much for your words of advice. I've tried talking to him about why he's losing interest, and he says it's not so much the gospel itself, but he's starting to doubt and have issues with the leaders of the church. If I tell him or advise him to pray about it, it upsets him- so I don't know what else to say.

    But, y'all are right. I need to stop pushing it and just continue with my own daily scripture reading and prayers. I DO still have faith in the church and the gospel, though times I feel really discouraged and alone. He comes to church with us almost every week, but his testimony of our leaders is going downhill. I've told him before that his habits are harming him, but he refuses to believe it. So for now, I'll follow advice and just stop nagging him about it- and just love him anyway. Now I'll just listen to his doubts and struggles and stop offering advice. I feel like any advice I give offends him anyway, and he feels I'm not hearing him.

    As for the older post and the issues with the images he was viewing, that (to my knowledge), has stopped. When I brought it to his attention that day and told him the following days how it made me feel, he apologized. He said it wasn't because he wasn't attracted to me, but he felt I had been pulling away from him, stopped being affectionate, and felt I rejected him every time he tried to get close (which is mostly true- and I blame a lot of that on my lack of self esteem since my body has changed after children). But as far as I know, he no longer does that. Mostly the "inappropriate" things I mention are TV shows and YouTube videos full of profanity. He stopped watching those around the children when our oldest was about 2-2.5 (he's now 3). If it's just us and I make a comment about the language, he'll switch it off or find something else. He doesn't understand the need to stop them entirely, claiming they don't affect the spirit, but I know it does. I just don't know what else to say without sounding like a nag. I think he knows it too, but just isn't willing to give it up. 

    Again, thank you for your wisdom. And yes, his issues with Uchtdorf are political. I don't think he's given the guy a chance. I sure love Uchtdorf and his strong spirit!
  17. Like
    yjacket reacted to Gazing at essence in The Crossroads of My Dreams and Destiny   
    I have been doing a lot of deep thinking recently and have read all of the responses now. 
    I really appreciate all of the comments and advice from you guys. @[email protected][email protected] I just now read your comments and all of them helped me a lot. 
    After going through the temple and supplicating the Lord for direction, I have been filled with a reassurance that there is not a right or wrong decision in this case. However, the guidance I have received is that if I am to pursue an even more serious relationship with her, I need to let go of her past completely. I am still trying to work through a few things and figure out what is best for the both of us. 
    @yjacketI noticed that you mentioned the severity of the situation increases when we consider the fact that many of her sexual sins were committed after her mission. I have to say, more than anything I am worried that she and I have different attitudes towards the covenants that we made with the Lord. I am not sure I understand what the word even means to her. 
    There is still more to figure out but I will update the forum when a final decision is made. Thanks to everyone for the care and support. God bless.
  18. Like
    yjacket reacted to Just_A_Guy in The Crossroads of My Dreams and Destiny   
    I think individuals have a right to say "this is not the sort of baggage I am able/willing to carry".
    I wonder how this discussion would be different if the gender roles were reversed.  Would we tell a young LDS woman that she had a moral obligation to seriously consider marriage to a young temple-worthy man who, in a past life, had--say--worked in the porn industry?  Or, had done five years in prison for gang-related manslaughter?
  19. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from SpiritDragon in HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE   
    First off I would say to just chill.  The world isn't going to end in the next hour, day or week.  No matter how bad this seems-it too shall pass.  So take a big deep breath. If you need to release some energy, go to the gym and workout go for a run, go do your favorite hobby, etc. Do something to get your mind off of this for a bit.  
    Now, there is a lot here so just calm down before it being addressed. So I'm going to approach this trying to give you a different perspective.  A possible perspective of your wife, it doesn't mean you or I agree with it-but an essential part of life is understanding another's point of view even when we don't agree with what they do. You've been together for 6 years, so that means basically since the time she was mature enough to date (~17) -you are the only man she has ever really got to know.  IMO it would not be a shock that after getting married she questions if she made the right decision (I don't have to agree with it to say that it doesn't surprise me or even that in some cases it might be a given). Especially if things have been a little rough.
    Now you are both young and immature (why people use snapchat, I'll never know). Technology especially in a marriage can be a very dangerous thing.  It is way, way too easy in today's society for people to communicate with former Facebook flames, random strangers, etc. on the internet.  Even if one has a good moral standing-most of the rest of the world doesn't-so it is very easy to find someone to talk to during a rough period of time in a marriage.  That initial "innocent friend" or stranger can easily lead to something not innocent if one is not careful.
    Now first off you stated that you worry that she will cheat or lie. The interesting thing about people and our expectations is that much of the time people will end up conforming to them.  If you think she will cheat or lie, then any instance in your mind that could be cheating will instantly be converted into is cheating.  So the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is to banish this idea that she will cheat or lie (you are unfairly setting her up to fail by doing that).
    Now, unless you actually have a text or an e-mail from her to this man stating she would like a picture then all you have is a he said she said.  You wife says she didn't ask for it. He says she did.  If you have an initial approach that your wife lies about it-you will automatically assume she is lying about this. However, why would the dude lie?  Think about it.  If you just sent some random chick (or even some girl you barely met) a porno picture and this girls husband asks you about it, what would you say?  Obviously, you would say . . .well she wanted it and you would obviously say she said she wasn't married.  You are going to do everything you can to absolve yourself of any improper behavior . . .why??
    Well, b/c if some random dude sent my wife a porno picture, there is a high likelihood I'm gonna be opening a can of youknowwhat on him!!!! 
    So you can't trust what this random dude said, period, end of story.  You admit you're wife never opened the Snapchat, so it absolutely is plausible that your wife never solicited this from him and doesn't know him or barely knows him. It is possible your wife is telling the truth.  Unless there is further evidence you should give her the benefit of the doubt.
    So what should you do.  You're wife may be cheating, but she may not be cheating . . . but if she isn't cheating this type of behavior could certainly drive her to cheating.
    If you want to save your marriage, you really need to re-think your approach.
    Unless there is more to this story, I would apologize profusely to me wife, admit what I did was wrong, stupid, that I should trust her more.  I would then say that as part of this we should both be more open about our technology use to each other.  That she should have come to you about this picture 1st, that by not being fully open with you it breeds mistrust, that you and her need to be more fully open about your communications with other individuals.
    Now if you have other texts, or e-mails or snapchats of her seeking this type of stuff-that's a different ballgame.  But unless and until then, take this as a wake-up call that all is not right in your marriage and that if you don't drastically change the way both you and her approach it, bad things could happen.
  20. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from seashmore in HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE   
    First off I would say to just chill.  The world isn't going to end in the next hour, day or week.  No matter how bad this seems-it too shall pass.  So take a big deep breath. If you need to release some energy, go to the gym and workout go for a run, go do your favorite hobby, etc. Do something to get your mind off of this for a bit.  
    Now, there is a lot here so just calm down before it being addressed. So I'm going to approach this trying to give you a different perspective.  A possible perspective of your wife, it doesn't mean you or I agree with it-but an essential part of life is understanding another's point of view even when we don't agree with what they do. You've been together for 6 years, so that means basically since the time she was mature enough to date (~17) -you are the only man she has ever really got to know.  IMO it would not be a shock that after getting married she questions if she made the right decision (I don't have to agree with it to say that it doesn't surprise me or even that in some cases it might be a given). Especially if things have been a little rough.
    Now you are both young and immature (why people use snapchat, I'll never know). Technology especially in a marriage can be a very dangerous thing.  It is way, way too easy in today's society for people to communicate with former Facebook flames, random strangers, etc. on the internet.  Even if one has a good moral standing-most of the rest of the world doesn't-so it is very easy to find someone to talk to during a rough period of time in a marriage.  That initial "innocent friend" or stranger can easily lead to something not innocent if one is not careful.
    Now first off you stated that you worry that she will cheat or lie. The interesting thing about people and our expectations is that much of the time people will end up conforming to them.  If you think she will cheat or lie, then any instance in your mind that could be cheating will instantly be converted into is cheating.  So the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is to banish this idea that she will cheat or lie (you are unfairly setting her up to fail by doing that).
    Now, unless you actually have a text or an e-mail from her to this man stating she would like a picture then all you have is a he said she said.  You wife says she didn't ask for it. He says she did.  If you have an initial approach that your wife lies about it-you will automatically assume she is lying about this. However, why would the dude lie?  Think about it.  If you just sent some random chick (or even some girl you barely met) a porno picture and this girls husband asks you about it, what would you say?  Obviously, you would say . . .well she wanted it and you would obviously say she said she wasn't married.  You are going to do everything you can to absolve yourself of any improper behavior . . .why??
    Well, b/c if some random dude sent my wife a porno picture, there is a high likelihood I'm gonna be opening a can of youknowwhat on him!!!! 
    So you can't trust what this random dude said, period, end of story.  You admit you're wife never opened the Snapchat, so it absolutely is plausible that your wife never solicited this from him and doesn't know him or barely knows him. It is possible your wife is telling the truth.  Unless there is further evidence you should give her the benefit of the doubt.
    So what should you do.  You're wife may be cheating, but she may not be cheating . . . but if she isn't cheating this type of behavior could certainly drive her to cheating.
    If you want to save your marriage, you really need to re-think your approach.
    Unless there is more to this story, I would apologize profusely to me wife, admit what I did was wrong, stupid, that I should trust her more.  I would then say that as part of this we should both be more open about our technology use to each other.  That she should have come to you about this picture 1st, that by not being fully open with you it breeds mistrust, that you and her need to be more fully open about your communications with other individuals.
    Now if you have other texts, or e-mails or snapchats of her seeking this type of stuff-that's a different ballgame.  But unless and until then, take this as a wake-up call that all is not right in your marriage and that if you don't drastically change the way both you and her approach it, bad things could happen.
  21. Like
    yjacket reacted to unixknight in Feeding People is Cultural Appropriation?   
    Let's just call the outrage over cultural appropriation what it is, shall we?  It's the latest implementation of Segregation, and George Wallace would be thrilled at the way the Thought Police some sectors of the American Left are pushing to separate people by race and culture.
    This is why I don't buy into the notion that the Republican and Democrat parties have switched places since the 19th Century.  The approach is different, the rhetoric is different, but the effects aren't.
    Disagree with me?  Then how would YOU account for this:
    Show me a list of the top 10 cities where black citizens are in the worst socio-economic shape, and I'll show you a list of places where the Democrat party has held power for decades.  Look at Detroit.  Look at Baltimore.  Cities that have gone decades without a Republican mayor or significant Republican influence in city government and yet these are the worst crapholes in terms of crime, poverty, racial tension and urban decay, and almost entirely in black neighborhoods.
    By their fruits shall ye know them.
    It's plain as day to me, and I'm not even a Republican.  (Libertarian, if you're curious.)
  22. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from mdfxdb in The Crossroads of My Dreams and Destiny   
    You are wrong.  There is nothing wrong with making that a requirement, just like I don't want to marry someone who has done drugs in the past. I don't want to marry someone who went to jail in the past.  Absolutely nothing wrong with making it a requirement.
    Really?? (one the 2nd bold) Please give me a break. He suitable for her, he worthy of her?? Talk about turning things completely upside down. It's the reverse. She is the one who demonstrated by actions that at one point in her life she was not faithful to her covenants, not him.  
  23. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from Windseeker in HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE   
    First off I would say to just chill.  The world isn't going to end in the next hour, day or week.  No matter how bad this seems-it too shall pass.  So take a big deep breath. If you need to release some energy, go to the gym and workout go for a run, go do your favorite hobby, etc. Do something to get your mind off of this for a bit.  
    Now, there is a lot here so just calm down before it being addressed. So I'm going to approach this trying to give you a different perspective.  A possible perspective of your wife, it doesn't mean you or I agree with it-but an essential part of life is understanding another's point of view even when we don't agree with what they do. You've been together for 6 years, so that means basically since the time she was mature enough to date (~17) -you are the only man she has ever really got to know.  IMO it would not be a shock that after getting married she questions if she made the right decision (I don't have to agree with it to say that it doesn't surprise me or even that in some cases it might be a given). Especially if things have been a little rough.
    Now you are both young and immature (why people use snapchat, I'll never know). Technology especially in a marriage can be a very dangerous thing.  It is way, way too easy in today's society for people to communicate with former Facebook flames, random strangers, etc. on the internet.  Even if one has a good moral standing-most of the rest of the world doesn't-so it is very easy to find someone to talk to during a rough period of time in a marriage.  That initial "innocent friend" or stranger can easily lead to something not innocent if one is not careful.
    Now first off you stated that you worry that she will cheat or lie. The interesting thing about people and our expectations is that much of the time people will end up conforming to them.  If you think she will cheat or lie, then any instance in your mind that could be cheating will instantly be converted into is cheating.  So the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is to banish this idea that she will cheat or lie (you are unfairly setting her up to fail by doing that).
    Now, unless you actually have a text or an e-mail from her to this man stating she would like a picture then all you have is a he said she said.  You wife says she didn't ask for it. He says she did.  If you have an initial approach that your wife lies about it-you will automatically assume she is lying about this. However, why would the dude lie?  Think about it.  If you just sent some random chick (or even some girl you barely met) a porno picture and this girls husband asks you about it, what would you say?  Obviously, you would say . . .well she wanted it and you would obviously say she said she wasn't married.  You are going to do everything you can to absolve yourself of any improper behavior . . .why??
    Well, b/c if some random dude sent my wife a porno picture, there is a high likelihood I'm gonna be opening a can of youknowwhat on him!!!! 
    So you can't trust what this random dude said, period, end of story.  You admit you're wife never opened the Snapchat, so it absolutely is plausible that your wife never solicited this from him and doesn't know him or barely knows him. It is possible your wife is telling the truth.  Unless there is further evidence you should give her the benefit of the doubt.
    So what should you do.  You're wife may be cheating, but she may not be cheating . . . but if she isn't cheating this type of behavior could certainly drive her to cheating.
    If you want to save your marriage, you really need to re-think your approach.
    Unless there is more to this story, I would apologize profusely to me wife, admit what I did was wrong, stupid, that I should trust her more.  I would then say that as part of this we should both be more open about our technology use to each other.  That she should have come to you about this picture 1st, that by not being fully open with you it breeds mistrust, that you and her need to be more fully open about your communications with other individuals.
    Now if you have other texts, or e-mails or snapchats of her seeking this type of stuff-that's a different ballgame.  But unless and until then, take this as a wake-up call that all is not right in your marriage and that if you don't drastically change the way both you and her approach it, bad things could happen.
  24. Like
    yjacket got a reaction from Jane_Doe in HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE   
    First off I would say to just chill.  The world isn't going to end in the next hour, day or week.  No matter how bad this seems-it too shall pass.  So take a big deep breath. If you need to release some energy, go to the gym and workout go for a run, go do your favorite hobby, etc. Do something to get your mind off of this for a bit.  
    Now, there is a lot here so just calm down before it being addressed. So I'm going to approach this trying to give you a different perspective.  A possible perspective of your wife, it doesn't mean you or I agree with it-but an essential part of life is understanding another's point of view even when we don't agree with what they do. You've been together for 6 years, so that means basically since the time she was mature enough to date (~17) -you are the only man she has ever really got to know.  IMO it would not be a shock that after getting married she questions if she made the right decision (I don't have to agree with it to say that it doesn't surprise me or even that in some cases it might be a given). Especially if things have been a little rough.
    Now you are both young and immature (why people use snapchat, I'll never know). Technology especially in a marriage can be a very dangerous thing.  It is way, way too easy in today's society for people to communicate with former Facebook flames, random strangers, etc. on the internet.  Even if one has a good moral standing-most of the rest of the world doesn't-so it is very easy to find someone to talk to during a rough period of time in a marriage.  That initial "innocent friend" or stranger can easily lead to something not innocent if one is not careful.
    Now first off you stated that you worry that she will cheat or lie. The interesting thing about people and our expectations is that much of the time people will end up conforming to them.  If you think she will cheat or lie, then any instance in your mind that could be cheating will instantly be converted into is cheating.  So the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is to banish this idea that she will cheat or lie (you are unfairly setting her up to fail by doing that).
    Now, unless you actually have a text or an e-mail from her to this man stating she would like a picture then all you have is a he said she said.  You wife says she didn't ask for it. He says she did.  If you have an initial approach that your wife lies about it-you will automatically assume she is lying about this. However, why would the dude lie?  Think about it.  If you just sent some random chick (or even some girl you barely met) a porno picture and this girls husband asks you about it, what would you say?  Obviously, you would say . . .well she wanted it and you would obviously say she said she wasn't married.  You are going to do everything you can to absolve yourself of any improper behavior . . .why??
    Well, b/c if some random dude sent my wife a porno picture, there is a high likelihood I'm gonna be opening a can of youknowwhat on him!!!! 
    So you can't trust what this random dude said, period, end of story.  You admit you're wife never opened the Snapchat, so it absolutely is plausible that your wife never solicited this from him and doesn't know him or barely knows him. It is possible your wife is telling the truth.  Unless there is further evidence you should give her the benefit of the doubt.
    So what should you do.  You're wife may be cheating, but she may not be cheating . . . but if she isn't cheating this type of behavior could certainly drive her to cheating.
    If you want to save your marriage, you really need to re-think your approach.
    Unless there is more to this story, I would apologize profusely to me wife, admit what I did was wrong, stupid, that I should trust her more.  I would then say that as part of this we should both be more open about our technology use to each other.  That she should have come to you about this picture 1st, that by not being fully open with you it breeds mistrust, that you and her need to be more fully open about your communications with other individuals.
    Now if you have other texts, or e-mails or snapchats of her seeking this type of stuff-that's a different ballgame.  But unless and until then, take this as a wake-up call that all is not right in your marriage and that if you don't drastically change the way both you and her approach it, bad things could happen.
  25. Like
    yjacket reacted to Godless in Feeding People is Cultural Appropriation?   
    While true, another major factor was the switch in big/small government policies. In the years following the Civil War, it was the Republicans that favored big government while Democrats championed states' rights (especially Southern Dems, later called Dixiecrats, who blamed abolishion on the loss of states' rights). When FDR cemented the shift in political ideology, the Dixiecrats tried (unsuccessfully) to sabatoge Truman's campaign by running their own candidate, Strom Thurmond. After that, the rise of the civil rights movement cemented the Dixiecrat defection to the Republican Party.
    So yes, the Republicans were on the right side of history for a while, until suddenly they weren't.