Dealing with overly friendly people

[Heavenguard]

There's an older brother from my church who's been ... let's say giving me more attention than I appreciate. I know he doesn't mean it in a way that should make me feel uncomfortable, he just doesn't really get social norms. I also know he has problems with acceptance, as he left his former fellowship because he said he didn't fit in with them. (They also had problems trying to deal with his personality; I'm friends with 2 guys from his former fellowship and so I know it's not something that he's particularly doing to me.)

How do I tell someone that I don't welcome their attention without making feel like I'm rejecting him/his friendship? And despite the context stated below, I know with certainty that it's just his way of being friendly without other motive.

He constantly IMs me througout the day asking me what I'm doing, and asks about things that, to put it bluntly, are absolutely none of his business. I've started to ignore him sometimes (not every time) and pretend I'm not there because it's just too much. When I do ignore him, however, he just continues messaging me with "Say something!" or "Answer me!", which ... I don't. He's taken to sending me text messages on my phone when I don't answer him. Even if I did welcome the messages, I don't have texting as part of my plan, so of course I'm not going to reply to those. So now he says he's just going to call me instead.

Iunno how to tell him to back off without insulting him or hurting his feelings.

[raulrosalez22]

I had a experience like that not long ago. some guy from one of the clubs I used to be at the university always tried so hard to make friends. and I dont know how he got my yahoo messenger ID so he added me. I didnt have a problem with that. then he added me on MSN, then on myspace, and then on facebook. I was a little concerned about how fas he found me on each thing. anyways he would talk to me about one thing we both had interest, Jets and airplanes. I always have enjoyed talking about those for a while, but for some reason he made me dislike the subject a little. I dont remember why, but it go annoying at times. he would IM me on either Yahoo or MSN asking me what I was doing. and depending on what I was doing really needed my attention I would reply or not. sometimes when I didnt reply he sent me messages on myspace. He has never sent me anything through facebook though. Sometimes out of nowhere he would tell me how much he like a friend of mine and that he was going to make a move soon. it kind of felt like a random comment so I told him to go for it.

he kept sending me messages but I go a little busy with church stuff. and we lost communication. I still have him on my friend's list but he no longer sends me anything.

so that is my advice! hahaha

get as busy as possible!!! =P

well not really but it works =S

[rampion]

Hi. You really need to be straight with this guy and set limits. It does sound like he may genuinely lack understanding of social norms, but that doesn't make it your responsibility to let him keep invading your life in ways that you don't want him to. In fact, ignoring this problem isn't doing him a favor either. The best thing to do would be to, first, decide what you want the limits to be. How much contact with him is okay with you? If you want to limit it to saying hello one time per week when he sees you at church, that's fine. It is your choice. You can say something like, "Hey, I'm flattered that you want to talk to me so much, but you are pushing for a relationship that doesn't really exist. I'm not up for getting messages and calls from you." Tell him what kind of contact is okay and under what circumstances. If he keeps messaging and calling you after you ask him not to, that's sounding like harrassment. It's unfortunate, but you might need to change your usernames and phone number, and not give him the new ones, if he won't honor your limit after you ask him to. Is there a church leader who might be able to help him get some help for his acceptance issues? You are not obligated to help him with that, but since you do sound concered for his well-being, maybe you could ask someone to check on him. If you keep ignoring the problem, it's only going to get worse, and he gets the message that it's okay to act the way he is, and he will keep having the same problem over and over with other people.

Edited August 17, 2008 by rampion
my keyboard jumps around and puts words in wrong places

[FunkyTown]

I'm going to disagree with the majority of people here:

I think we don't have enough information to make a decision. It's interesting that you had said that he lacks social norms - Would you say that he has an actual developmental disability to that effect? If not, then you definitely have to be blunt. However, if he's the type of person to be developmentally disabled, he'll most likely never learn and being blunt will only be a catharsis for you.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, just phase him out of your life if he is developmentally disabled. Otherwise, be straight and honest. Few people do. It'll hurt him, but it's best he know.

[Misshalfway]

Is there kind way of deflecting the uncomfortable questions...like simply saying that the question is too personal or "I'm sorry I can't answer, I am quite busy at work, but perhaps I will see you at Mike's party next week." Maybe you could still offer the acceptance that this soul is looking for without compromising your personal space.

If this person struggles with an undiagnosed disorder or not, I think you can handle the situation with grace and love while you are maintaining your level of comfortable interaction with him.

It is difficult for me to see a person trying so hard to find a place where they fit in and then to watch the group move farther and farther away. Such a situation could have created some of these undesirable behaviors in him. If the dog is barking....give him a bone, kwim??? I think a little love goes a long way. Sounds like you are the sort of person that would love to give that kind of love. You just need to find a way to do without compromising your boundaries.

Edited August 17, 2008 by Misshalfway

[Moksha]

I dunno how to tell him to back off without insulting him or hurting his feelings.

I always thought women were quite adept at brushing guys off. Tell him you will be shampooing your hair on-line for the next several years.

[Heavenguard]

Yeah, so he called me on my cellphone twice today. I ignored both calls, but my friend told me that if I don't eventually get back to him, he'll just keep calling me. So I called him and he said he was wondering if we (church friends and I) were doing anything. I said I was out with friends, and left it at that (though I actually was out with church friends). But, as my friend asked aloud after that, "Why didn't he call the rest of (them)?"

Seriously ... I feel like he's really infringing on my personal space now.

I don't think he has developmental issues, he's a very (book) smart man. But as it often goes, people who are book smart don't have a lot of common sense. (I know a good several people like that.)

I can't really phase him out of my life, he's in my congregation and on the same (church) softball team as I am.

While I was with my friends this afternoon, they were telling me that I could just give the generic "Uh huhs" and "Yeahs" as though not really interested, and then give the "I have another call"/"I have to go" until he finally gets that I'm not available for his every beck and call. Or if he doesn't get the picture then just to tell him to stop. My brother has now offered to talk to him for me if he continues to make me feel uncomfortable. I think I'll try the "not at your beck and call" approach, followed by the protection of my brother after that if needed.

But seriously, in the last 2 weeks or so, this and another 2 guys have come seemingly out of nowhere to just come and make me feel all sorts of uncomfortable. (This particular guy started in the last two weeks or so, though I knew him prior to that.) I'm so exasperated by it all, but this one I feel like I have to handle especially carefully because he's from my church, on my team, and is a little sensitive about acceptance/fitting in.

[funkymonkey]

Um, this isn't always the best idea but...

Can you find a friend that can act like your boyfriend for a while? Do nothing but gush about this wonderful new man in your life...next time you know he'll be somewhere have your friend come and flirt with him and smile real big. Every time he asks what you're doing...I'm out with my man. It might break the poor guy's heart but atleast he might move on to someone else.

[Rico]

Find the man a girlfriend. Tell him that you think he's a nice guy and you know he is interested in you, but you have someone very special in your life that you need to be devoted to and he is interering in it. Tell him that you and your friends will try to find him someone special in his life. Ask your friends to help you find him someone who would appreciate the attention.

It sounds like you are dealing with a man who has problems with being lonely. I am sure there are women you or your friends might know who are dealing with problems of being lonely as well. Instead of seeing this as a negative in your life, see it as an opportunity that Heavenly Father has given you to help out this man.

Edited August 18, 2008 by Rico

[skalenfehl]

Is it possible that your friend may have Asperger's Syndrome? He may not know his social boundaries around people, especially someone he might like.

What is Asperger's Syndrome? Learn the Signs.

Asperger's Syndrome-Symptoms

[NeuroTypical]

We sure put ourselves through all sorts of grief to avoid just saying true things.

"I think you're a nice guy, but I'm not interested. Please stop contacting me so often - it's starting to make me uncomfortable."

I mean really, isn't that the clear, unambiguous, complete, total, utter truth? His feelings ain't in your stewardship.

Of course, I'm one to talk. We once had in-laws staying with us, so we moved into a smaller house to get rid of them.

LM

[lilered]

I would suggest that you simply tell him that while you donot want to be rude, you simply donot have the time to be his phone, email or text message buddy. You appreciate his friendship but ask that he please respect your wishes and not call, email, or text message.

He will either stop or he won't. If he doesn't, then ask the Bishop or a close friend to intervene on your behalf.

[Heavenguard]

Well, you see, when I said that I know his intentions aren't anything that should make me feel uncomfortable, I meant that I know he isn't trying to come onto me. He's treating me like his little sister, but in waaaaaaay too friendly (and overbearing) a manner. (Therefore the faux boyfriend thing wouldn't work, it would just invite all sorts of questions/pestering from him on the topic.)

I have him blocked on IM for the time being. I don't intend on leaving him blocked for forever, just ... for the time being while I give myself a little breathing space.

I have softball pratice on Wednesday, I'll see him then. (We play for our church team.) If he's still persistent, I'll tell him to back off a little then.

I'm getting too tired of playing this game to try to do this in any other way. I have another concurrent issue about another guy acting very inappropriately towards me and making me feel uncomfortable, and I'm just about at my wit's end about it. I've never had this kind of problem before, I can't imagine why it's happening all at once now.

[ruthiechan]

Do you have work, school, family or any other committments? You can tell him that while you enjoy his friendship that you are so busy with things that you aren't going to be able to always talk to him, and that often you are logged in via IM but are actually afk.

Before you talk to him though, pray about and ask for the Spirit to guide you.

[Jbs2763]

treat him like an overly freindly beagle....a light tap on the nose and a loud and firm NO

[funkymonkey]

treat him like an overly freindly beagle....a light tap on the nose and a loud and firm NO

HAHA! Always worked for me.

[Moksha]

I remember as a kid thinking, "Why doesn't Lucy tell Ricky exactly what is going on and how she feels". That direct and unvarnished approach would have solved a lot of Lucy's problems.

[Iggy]

Tell the Bishop, tell the Bishop, tell the Bishop.

No way should you have to deal with an overly friendly person.

It would be wise if you did not give out your email addy';s and IM addy's so soon when you meet people.

If they ask and you have not known them for very long, just say NO, you are not comfortable giving out your addy's. If they push, then you most definitely do NOT want them for friends.

Again, Tell the Bishop and the sooner the better. Do NOT wait until Sunday, call him up tomorrow and tell him about both people.

Shortly after I had come back to Church, I had a guy hound me. Thankfully I had about 4 ways to drive home and I was fortunate to be able to lose him. When he cornered me in the Church one sunday decreasing my personal space of 3 feet down to way less than 1 foot, I whomped him in the chest and told him to back up- I kept whomping him until he was a good 4 feet from me, then I told him to never, ever talk to me again. As soon as the Branch President came into the Church I told him what I had done. Granted hitting the man might have seemed extreme- but when you are backed into a corner with a lech panting in your face and politely telling him to please back up doesn't work, then I bring out the artillary. I was in Church early because I was Branch Libriarin.

When the block was over that Sunday, he was breathing down the neck of one of the other single sisters- the Branch President rescued her too. Finally the Stake President talked with him.

Not 6 months late another single guy in the Branch started following me- I didn't let this progress very far- I called the Branch President and told him what was happening.

You see, I wasn't a single sister- I was seperated, but not yet divorced. And there was no way I would ever give these two bums the time of day. The only reason either one of them joined the Church was to get the Church Welfare. When our Branch didn't dole out the rent, utilites and food, they each moved on to different wards in different stakes.

Granted this guy who is way too friendly, may not be like either one of the jerks that was bothering me- but the point I am trying to make is - TALK WITH YOUR BISHOP and don't down play what is going on and for heaven's sake don't put the blame/guilt on yourself!

Edited August 20, 2008 by Iggy

[Jbs2763]

**********

I just have to add one comment as "nice guy".....

I don't know how sublte or firm the first. Sometimes we don't get sublte hints........but if y'all say" hey, i'm not interested"

but if you just seem disinterterested, and not, sometimes we just cant figure it out, and a guy who has good intentions and is a legit nice guy....callilng the stake pres would be considered way way jumping the gun...

but the following you home and hammering with messages is another story....

but alot of guys are really dense, and we don't pick up on subtleties, and now im rambling...

[Listener]

It can be very difficult indeed to know when to be accepting and tolerant in Christ's love, and when to be direct and uncompromising with inappropriate behavior.

I do not know this gentleman, and have no idea what his thoughts are. However, I did notice the gradual progression from acquaintance, to conversational friend, to intrusive and unwanted guest. This progression worries me.

I strongly agree with the above comments regarding working through the Bishop. He has been charged with the care of his flock, and he would also have the authority to help or correct anyone who needs to develop better personal respect and boundaries.

May you find your solution soon.

[StallionMcBeastly]

Kick him in the crotch

[HoosierGuy]

There's an older brother from my church who's been ... let's say giving me more attention than I appreciate. I know he doesn't mean it in a way that should make me feel uncomfortable, he just doesn't really get social norms. I also know he has problems with acceptance, as he left his former fellowship because he said he didn't fit in with them.

Left his former fellowship? What does that mean? He left the church?

[MorningStar]

Can't you block him from seeing when you're online?

[Heavenguard]

Mmm, I can't tell my bishop, cause my church doesn't have one, hahaha :3 (HG is non-LDS.)

Fellowship ... uh ... I'm supposing we don't use the same names. Aka bible study group? Altho not just bible studies. ... La?

I have blocked him from seeing me online.

He hasn't called me since I kinda blew him off on Sunday past.

I did see him at softball, and when he started to try my patience again, I asked him to stop. When he didn't, I repeated myself more firmly and he finally did.

Wee :3

Thanks for telling me that sometimes people just need to hear it to get it.