In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

[pam]

I think I told this one before...but here goes.

Wife says to her husband..."I want you to take me someplace REALLY expensive."

He dropped her off at the closest gas station.

[Hemidakota]

From Mormon Life by Arie Van De Graaff

[Truegrits]

Martha's way:

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix; keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead, and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:

Stop by the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

[Hemidakota]

[1] "My husband and I were attending a fireside together while our children spent the evening at home. The phone rang and my six-year-old son, Joshua, answered the phone. It was my mother and she asked to speak to me. 'My mom isn't home right now. She is at a fire hydrant,' Joshua responded. After the laughter stopped, my older children reminded him it was 'fireside' and he told his grandmother a more correct location of where I was at. - Amy Hart - Lindon, Utah

2] "Sister Garrison was having a bit of a struggle with her teenage son. He continually came home later than the time they had agreed to, and she worried he was getting into trouble.

"Sister Garrison finally told him, 'Every time you do something wrong, I get another gray hair.'

"With a smile on his face, her son answered teasingly, 'Is that why grandma's hair is so gray?'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 134).

3] President Joseph Fielding Smith:

"In teaching his children, President Smith often told them that 'wickedness never was happiness' and that the adversary would rather have one of his children than someone elses because of their name. He would add with a chuckle, 'In the beginning all men were 'Smiths,' and when they did something wrong they had to change their name'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 83).

4] Elder J. Golden Kimball told this story about his father, President Heber C. Kimball:

"I feel a good deal, I think, like my father did one time when he was praying. You know he was rather peculiar, and prayed in his own way.

"He was praying about someone, and he stopped in his prayer and laughed very heartily, and then said, 'O Lord, forgive me, it makes me laugh to pray about some men.'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 124).

5] Here's another delightful tale involving one of the Brethren.

Rudger Clawson and Golden were sent to California on assignment. This was always a source of much bemusement around Church headquarters. It would be hard to find another two men in the Church with such different temperments and sensibilities. Elder Clawson was a grimly serious fellow. . . Rumor had it Rudger requested these joint engagements to reign in Golden and keep him under control.

Aunt Jennie pleaded with Golden to refrain from any swearing or getting out of control on this trip because it was so hard on Brother Clawson. Golden said he would do the best he could.

They went to Sacramento and everything went fine---for a while.

There were two stake conferences scheduled for that weekend. Golden did well at the first conference---most of it, anyway.

In the last meeting of that first conference Golden got carried away. He had looked at the tithing records and the statistics on attendance at priesthood and sacrament meeting. The Saints weren't living up to their commitments.

He told them they were all going to hell.

When the meeting was over, Brother Clawson got up and walked out. Caught in a press of members, Golden just caught a glimpse of him leaving out of the corner of his eye. He excused himself and hurried back to the hotel to find Brother Clawson in the room, packing.

"What are you doing, Rudger? Where are you going?"

Brother Clawson said, "I just can't take it anymore. I'm going back to Salt Lake. You'll have to finish this second conference by yourself. Your swearing is just too much for me. It offends me. I can see that you're never going to change and I've had it!"

Golden didn't know what to do. So he helped him pack.

They walked out of the hotel and down to the train station. They stood there on the platform in an uncomfortable silence waiting for the train. Finally, they could see the train for Salt Lake coming. Golden thought he should say something. "Rudger, I'm sorry about this. It's just that I get worked up and I lose control and all my cowboy language comes back. I just say what's in my heart. I apologize to you."

"But Rudger, if I didn't put some 'hells' and 'damns' in my talks they wouldn't listen to me anymore than they now listen to you!"

There was a pause. Brother Clawson then threw his head back and laughed.

"Oh, Golden, you'll be the death of me. C'mon, let's go finish the next conference." And they walked back to the hotel. (More J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 54-56).

[candyprpl]

This one is computer humor.

New Installation -- Husband 1.0

Remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly to run. Whatever you do DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. THESE ARE NOT SUPPORTED APPLICATIONS AND WILL CRASH Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Truegrits]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[Still_Small_Voice]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

[Truegrits]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

[pam]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was

in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling over $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. ' When we were to be married, ' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll. '

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. ' Honey, ' he said, ' that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from? '

' Oh, ' she said, ' that's the money I made from selling the dolls. '

[updatelee]

A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender sais "sorry we dont serve food here"

[daenvgiell]

which candles burn longer? the candles on a boys birthday cake, or the candles on a girls birthday cake?

None they all burn shorter.

Yeah pretty lame I know, but I laugh at all the lame joke simply because they are lame!

[Truegrits]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

:lol:

[AngelonaWing]

"I am the bishop of a ward in Texas, and have a wonderful Relief Society President. She has been a great blessing to our ward for several years, in this her second time to be called as a RS President. I have absolutely no question about her worthiness, so when I ran into her leaving the grocery store the other day with a 12-pack of beer in her cart I knew she wasn't buying it for herself, but my curiosity was certainly growing as to what the explanation to this would be.

"We had visited briefly, and when I noticed it in her cart I was at such a loss as to how to react I decided not to react at all and to just wait and 'let the Spirit guide'. As soon as I got home, my laughing wife just had to tell me how frantic a phone call she had just received from a very excited RS President explaining that the grocery store sacker had apparently goofed. When she got to her car and started unloading her basket she discovered with horror the beer and realized she had just been in a conversation with her bishop who seemed to cut their conversation short for some reason! She took the beer back in the store and told them it wasn't hers, to which the store employee asked her if she wanted it anyway. She screamed: 'Absolutely not! It has already caused enough damage!'"

--Name withheld by request - TX USA

(From Latter-day Humor)

[Truegrits]

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

[Truegrits]

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." she said

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

"See those men standing by the door? They're hushers."

[Gwen]

got this one in an email....

How many menopausal women does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house

knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb

is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they

figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the

stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME

CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle,

actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on

to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME

IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO

CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE

TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[Truegrits]

Good one, Gwen!

[AngelonaWing]

There were three retired clergymen who, after eating lunch together, started discussing when "life" truly begins.

The rabbi said, "Life begins at birth". The priest emphatically disagreed and said, "No, life begins at conception." The "discussion" continued for several minutes until they turned to the protestant pastor and asked him what he thought. The wise old pastor said, "Welllll...I think you are BOTH wrong....for me, life began when the last child moved out and the dog died."

[Guest SisterofJared]

LOLOLOLOL!

That's why there are any given number of light bulbs out any day, and at least one of the bathrooms has a empty toilet paper roll..... or a roll of toilet paper sitting on the counter 4 stinking inches from the roller that it's SUPPOSED to be on.

What is it about men and children??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Oh well. They're nice to snuggle with.

Sister of Jared

PS this is NOT a man bash. This is just life as I've experienced it.

[pam]

got this one in an email....

How many menopausal women does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house

knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb

is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they

figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the

stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME

CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle,

actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on

to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME

IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO

CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE

TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

hahahaha that sounds like a normal household even without the menopausal issues.

[candyprpl]

1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

2. You know you're in a Redneck church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

3. You know you're in a Redneck church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

4. You know you're in a Redneck church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

5. You know you're in a Redneck church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

6. You know you're in a Redneck church if... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

7. You know you're in a Redneck church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

8. You know you're in a Redneck church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

:lol:

[lilered]

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

.ExternalClass #EC_yiv1923742125 DIV {;} Hi folks...

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

[Truegrits]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Mans Best Friend"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two dogs were walking along the road.

One dog stopped and said: "My name is Fido. What's yours?

The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied:

"I think it's Down Boy."

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!".

That did it! He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him.

It was a dog with a hare lip.

A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding, snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts.

At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder.

"I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said.

"It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."

My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do?

Take his bike away.

[Wingnut]

hahahaha that sounds like a normal household even without the menopausal issues.

That's what I was thinking. Especially some days around my house. The power drill stayed in our bedroom for five months after its last use, putting the baby's crib together. The extra pieces of the crib are still there.