personal revelation on dating?

[marky]

Hi everyone!

I need advice on something I´ve been thinking about a lot lately. I´m a 25 year old single guy and I live in a place where there´s not very many LDS girls, and especially not many that I´d find interesting. However, as all of you know, it´s pretty much a duty of a 25 year old single guy to get married, and it´s not that I wouldn´t want to. And I´m not some weird guy that most girls wouldn´t find fun or attractive. Some do and some don´t, it just hasn´t clicked with anyone yet.

So, I once asked God if I could actually fall for a girl that might also be interested in me. In the next couple of weeks or so, I found myself getting very attracted to this sister missionary (!!) that had been serving in my area for about a year. We had always got along pretty well and I thought she was cute and all, but I hadn´t thought of her in that sense before, I mean c´mon, she was a missionary afterall. I saw her all the time in the YSA activities, because she was serving with the young adults, and I was also helping them teach this one guy. I really tried to behave myself and not mess with her mission in any way. Me and my roommates invited them over for DA´s a couple of times but that´s all. She was transferred the next change, and three months after that she left for home.

Now, I´ve been praying a lot about this along the way, weather it was ok for me to feel that way, and if it was worth it to keep my hopes up. She lives in America and I live in Europe, so the distance is pretty big. I have felt the spirit confirm that the gospel is true before, but I can´t remember that I´ve ever before received real personal revelation about anything. This time however I felt I recieved an answer a few times, not just once. At least to me it felt pretty clear that I should go on with it. First I was worried that it was just my own mind that was doing the trick, so I also prayed about that. Of course I haven´t mentioned anything about this to her, I´m not a total idiot :)

We kept in touch after she got home, and I eventually decided to visit the place where she lives, with a cunning excuse that I want to check out the uni there if I wanna go continue my studies there later. I also know some other people there, so I had a place to stay and stuff to do. Well, we went out and hung out together, and had a good time, but it didn´t seem to go anywhere. She then said she´s not interested in a relationship, but wants to remain friends. She might be coming to visit her old mission next summer, but I don´t know if she really will.

Now, I´m very confused about all this. Normally if a girl would say she´s not interested in a relationship, I would just try and forget about her and then move on. But this time I´m not so sure. Should I just stay friends with her and hope for the best? That she would come visit her old mission field, and somehow her mind would change? Like I said there´s not many girls where I live and she´s quite honestly the most amazing girl I´ve ever met. I haven´t told her that, but she is in many ways. I´ve never felt this way about anyone. I´ve studied alot about understanding the spirit and understanding it´s answers etc. etc. and I´ve done everything as right as I know how to, so I doubt that I´m completely wrong with thinking I recieved guidance. But what am I supposed to think? And what should I do?

Hah! Turned out pretty long, props to you for reading it through!

Edited February 19, 2009 by marky

[Gwen]

my 2 cents......... keep being friends and praying about it.... if it is "meant to be" the lord will let you know what the next step is. if you should push a little or just wait for her.

[cullenh]

Amen I could not agree with Gwen more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep praying on it and HF will guide you...

[FunkyTown]

You have a serious case of 'One-itis'. Happens to the best of us. I would recommend realizing that there are lots of girls out there in the world and that she isn't the only one. I'd recommend dating around.

When a woman says she isn't interested in a relationship, she means she isn't interested in a relationship with you. Accept it. Part of the issue may be that you're coming off as needy, which turns off many. If you're the type of person to worship the ground she walks on, she will feel good around you and will want you around as a friend, but romantically you will be doomed.

No one wants to marry a puppy dog.

[marky]

You have a serious case of 'One-itis'. Happens to the best of us. I would recommend realizing that there are lots of girls out there in the world and that she isn't the only one. I'd recommend dating around.

When a woman says she isn't interested in a relationship, she means she isn't interested in a relationship with you. Accept it. Part of the issue may be that you're coming off as needy, which turns off many. If you're the type of person to worship the ground she walks on, she will feel good around you and will want you around as a friend, but romantically you will be doomed.

No one wants to marry a puppy dog.

I know what you´re saying mate. And I´ve tried not to be that. And I don´t think I have. I might come off as needy in what I just wrote, but she won´t be reading it will she. I admit I have a serious case of One-itis. Problem is, that there isn´t many girls to date where I live, so it´s kind of hard to see it like "plenty more fish in the sea.."

[FunkyTown]

Hi Marky,

Seriously, don't take this personal with what I say. Every guy has gone through one-itis. Even if there aren't a lot of girls to date where you live(I had that problem), you have lots of options. You can travel, you can meet on the Internet. You can go to Institute or ask out somebody who is there - Regardless of whether or not she lives up to your standards(Though, truthfully, I'm saying this because there might be an issue with your standards more than an issue with the women in your area.)

There is literally no reason not to date in the church.

Where're you from?

[marky]

Hi Marky,

Seriously, don't take this personal with what I say. Every guy has gone through one-itis. Even if there aren't a lot of girls to date where you live(I had that problem), you have lots of options. You can travel, you can meet on the Internet. You can go to Institute or ask out somebody who is there - Regardless of whether or not she lives up to your standards(Though, truthfully, I'm saying this because there might be an issue with your standards more than an issue with the women in your area.)

There is literally no reason not to date in the church.

Where're you from?

No I don´t, I actually really appreciate that you take time to write. I would say that there´s a lot of truth in what you say. The reason I first prayed about getting attracted to a girl that might get attracted to me too, was just that. That I was worried about if my standards were too high. Believe, I´ve tried.

[Hemidakota]

my 2 cents......... keep being friends and praying about it.... if it is "meant to be" the lord will let you know what the next step is. if you should push a little or just wait for her.

Add my 02 cents also...

[jmcic]

i am in the same boat right now my friend except i am 26 and live in wisconsin while she lives in wyoming and we are making plans to go camping and such together and i get mixed signals from her and the best i can say is be her friend and pray about it. while thats an easy answer it is better then coming off too strong and scaring her off

[Hemidakota]

Ugh....I hoping you are not alone with her during that camping trip.

[FunkyTown]

I am going to be the voice of reason that never gets listened to from guys with one-itis(Not just the OP, but the guy going camping):

Date somebody else.

You will now come up with lots of reasons why she might be in to you.

Gosh, I wish there were the guy equivalent of "He's just not that in to you.", but we guys generally get stuck in one-itis and think our cases are different. Every guy with one-itis thinks their case is different and it never is.

[tubaloth]

Should I just stay friends with her and hope for the best?

Be friends. But, don't put your life on hold now because of her. Move on. If you follow the path of your life it should lead to where you well find somebody you can be with. If you put your life on hold, only hoping something well happen, it probably won't.

The strange thing is with the feelings of the spirit about girls is its hard to tell what it really is saying. Is the spirit telling you to be friends with the person because they can help you out in the future, or is the spirit telling you, get married to this person.

The key is to not put your life on hold.

[talisyn]

OP, you live in Europe, that's what, 16 countries smashed together? My sister (single and cute, btw) is in Germany right now and she's managed to go all over the place, a few weeks ago it was Paris, a month before that Switzerland (i'm dying of jealousy, can you tell? :) ). Take advantage of your location.

I do think praying and relying on God for direction is the right thing to do. The mid-twenties is rough, that's when I lost my way a bit, and believe me you don't want to go where I went. Date members, keep dating members, and if I may, please remember the sisters who require a second (or third or fourth) look. Sweet spirit can go a long way when it comes to eternal companionship.

[Just_A_Guy]

Yeah, I'm with Gwen. Keep your options open, but don't go all psycho on her. If it's meant to be, she'll get her own revelation without any help from you.

(Said from the heart of Utah Valley in the shadow of BYU, worldwide capital of unfulfilled "revelations on The One To Marry")

[pam]

hahaha where's the LOL button again when you need it.

[Connie]

I'm all for dating other people, but at some point in your dating journey you are going to want to develop "one-itis." Otherwise marriage may never occur.

[NeuroTypical]

I never sought the spirit in whom I should date. However, you bet your life I sought the spirit in whom I should marry. I fasted for 3 days, and showed up to my patriarchical blessing interview with an engagement ring in my hand. I got my blessing, went home and wolfed down a pizza, then I went over to her house and proposed.

A dozen years and 2 kids later, I'm glad I did it that way.

LM

[beefche]

I'm with Funky on this one. Let me say this with all due respect and caring: She doesn't feel the same as you do. Don't wait for her to "change her mind" or "start to feel something" because you may be in for a long wait. Don't waste your time, energy, or emotions like that.

Sometimes 2 people praying about the same thing will bet 2 opposing answers. I don't know why, but it just happens. If you try to make something work when she isn't willing, all you will do is become the scary, stalker guy and turn her away completely from you.

As for the camper dude, I hope you respect her enough to NOT go camping with her alone. Regardless if something were to happen or not, it is not appropriate for 2 single people of the opposite sex to have an overnighter. Be a gentleman and respect her as someone who deserves to be treated as a lady and guard her reputation (even if she isn't willing to guard it herself).

[jmcic]

no we are going with her family

[jmcic]

I am going to be the voice of reason that never gets listened to from guys with one-itis(Not just the OP, but the guy going camping):

Date somebody else.

You will now come up with lots of reasons why she might be in to you.

Gosh, I wish there were the guy equivalent of "He's just not that in to you.", but we guys generally get stuck in one-itis and think our cases are different. Every guy with one-itis thinks their case is different and it never is.

i am sure you are right and this whole camping trip is just us hanging out as friends i am sure she is not into me there are many fish in the sea

[Guest missingsomething]

I am going to be the voice of reason that never gets listened to from guys with one-itis(Not just the OP, but the guy going camping):

Date somebody else.

You will now come up with lots of reasons why she might be in to you.

Gosh, I wish there were the guy equivalent of "He's just not that in to you.", but we guys generally get stuck in one-itis and think our cases are different. Every guy with one-itis thinks their case is different and it never is.

From a girl's prospective...

If you do date other people, sometimes that's just what us girls need to all-of-a-sudden realize what we had. :)

[marky]

Thanks a lot to everyone for all your input :) As I said, I would never tell a girl that I got revelation that I should date her, neither would I go all bezerk over her. I was mainly just wondering weather I should just forget about her, or keep in touch and hope that she would change her mind. I think I´ll keep my eyes open for other girls, but keep in touch with her just in case.

[Heavenguard]

Keep in touch with her, but don't hope that she will change her mind. If you keep hoping for it, your relationship will be unbalanced and unfair. She's made clear to you what she wants - if you truly respect her, you'll stay within those boundaries. It's also unfair to yourself, because although you say you'll keep an eye out for another girl, your heart will never be ready for another girl if it's still waiting for this American Missionary girl.

Personal observation/anecdote: It is not romantic from anyone's POV for a man to continue to dote on a girl after having told him 'no'. I've seen it. The girl, and everyone around, would really rather the guy move on - for his sake.

[jiminycricket]

I've noticed too that it seems to be very difficult to get a clear answer to prayers about relationships. I think there are two reasons for that.

First and most obviously, our own feelings on the matter can become so strong that it becomes difficult to draw a line between our feelings and the influence of the Spirit.

Second, I think we tend to ask the wrong questions. We tend to want to know, "Is she the one?" or, "Should I date/marry her?" These questions presuppose that there is a "the one" or that God has a specific will regarding who we should date and/or marry. I don't think that's usually the case. I believe that these are decisions he usually leaves up to us. Yes, he wants us to make wise decisions, and yes, he'll help us with that, but he won't make the decision for us. He won't push us one way or the other. It is a personal decision. As long as our selection isn't somehow unwise and doesn't put His plan for any of His children in jeopardy, I don't think He will interject. As Pres. Kimball said, any two people striving to live the gospel can make it work.

I think the questions we need to put to God in the matter are more along the lines of, "Is there any reason I should not date/marry this person? Or why she shouldn't date/marry me?" or perhaps, "Is there anyone else in store that would be a better match for me (or for her)?" Maybe there are even better, more specific questions we could ask in our individual cases, but I guess the point is that the first half of getting an answer you can use is asking the right question, and that requires more thought than we often put into it.

In your situation, Mark, I think if you ask either of the questions I've suggested, you'll likely receive the answer that she has already given you the answer. She said she doesn't want that kind of relationship with you, which is a good reason that you should not date, and which indicates that there is someone else in store that will be a better match for you - someone who will want more than friendship with you.

But don't take my word for it - ask God some specific questions about your specific situation. Questions that are based on sound principles and that will get you specific answers.

...Just my 2¢

Jiminy Cricket

Edited February 20, 2009 by jiminycricket
Just fine-tuning a point

[Guest Ceeboos_Boss]

Do lds only date people of there faith?????