I am dead. I truly don't know what to do.

[Moksha]

Got caught up in reading this post. Want to follow the developments if Rachelle posts them. Everyone's heart goes out to her.

Two things:

1. People with mood swings are noted for changing their mind. It seems likely that within a month he may well be back. I do know that a change in meds can work wonders or create havoc.

2. Damaged cars are made like new again with pulling out the dent, a little filler, primer and paint. For guys it can be a shave and haircut. Women have their own mysteries.

:)

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

I seriously feel the pain of what you are going through. I went through a similar situation 6 years ago, except I am was the one with mood swings. My ex wife left me and took the children, she had been talking to men online and was convinced by former close friends that she should leave me. In the past I had lost control and slapped her and grabbed her. When I was introduced to the Gospel I realized that there was something wrong with me. A year after joining the Church I realized that I had Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. I had prayed for an answer to my problem. A doctor confirmed. I started meds and went to anger management. I did all the right things so I wouldn't hurt anyone again. I repented and straightend my act out, becoming a model husband and father. It was too late. She had left because she was afraid that I might revert back to who I was. I don't blame her. I am re-married today. Happily married 4 years to a returned missionary from Utah. She has been wonderful for me. Sometimes I mess up and have a bad moment, but I do not do any of the behavior that caused the first marriage to fail. Your husband may come back. I cannot say. but I am sure that he may not realize just yet what he has done. I did things that I don't remember to this day. Mental illness is a tough one. This doesn't make it okay what he did, but may help with the pain? I was once told that people who are mentally ill are less accountable or not accountable, depending on their level of awareness. He does need to want to get better. I know that is all I wanted, thus it makes sense why I was able to get stable so quick. If he is bipolar, being manic creates a high that makes you do crazy stuff, make rash decisions. For me it affected my home, work, friendships, the works. I hope that your husband will get the help he needs. It sounds like the friend may be no help. That is too bad. When I went through my divorce, my best friend helped keep me on the straight and narrow. I had a few days of major depression, but I kept taking my meds and talking to the right people. Including my Bishop!! I made new friends and stayed away from bad influences. Today I have a steady job, a business, a great marriage, went back to college, and an all around good life. If I missed any posts I apologize, but I would advise you if possible to not give up on him yet. He may feel remorse at some point, possibly even now, and is afraid to own up or unsure of what to do. I know when I hit a level point of my mood swings was when I realized I had to seek help. But there are more ups and downs than level points. Pray for him and have his name put into the Temple. Leave an open door for him. You're in my prayers!!

Rich

[Wingnut]

...she still gets to go on her mission. It pisses me off that a person like THAT gets to serve and I never got to. What place does she have teaching the gospel to ANYONE?

If there were in fact sexual relations between your husband and this woman, and she is lying about it, she likely won't make it into the mission field. The Spirit in the MTC is so strong that many missionaries confess to their branch presidents there sins that they had previously not disclose, because they feel the Spirit and the consequences weighing so heavily upon them.

Rachelle? What your husband is showing is classic signs of Manic behaviour. Someone in my family very close to me has severe Manic-Depression.

...

Rachelle: This is not your fault. Things don't need to be this way. Don't spend time worrying about this girl, who most likely is a victim of your husbands altered state of mind. Instead, speak to his Doctor and tell your suspicions. See if there's a way to fix it.

I forgot to ever mention this before, but when I initially read the very first post on this thread, at first (before the adultery was mentioned), my initial response was to advise Rachelle to contact her husband's physician (or prescriber). While the physician will likely not share any information (per HIPAA regulations) with Rachelle, there is no law that prohibits Rachelle from sharing information with the physician, and I think it's important that she do so.

[Maya]

I just want to say... Racel you are a great person. MOST of wemen had already walked out at the suspicion about the adultery! It is so great to see someone giving it a fight! But you do have to see the truth in the eye... and I think you can do that. Many only see the crime but not the person behind it. Only YOU are able to know what is from him and what is of sickness. Anyway I believe so.

The pain is immnese to see him "different". But you know sometimes there really is nothing we can do about it. All we have is the hope that it all will be clared in eternity.

It all depends on how much you love him, how much are you ready to offer for him. Stil he may totally ignore your love. Life may be too long to have strength to hold on and better possibilities may arise for you. I sometimes wonder what is really right and does the fact that I have had 2 husbands affect my eternity. My excuse always is that ... but he was not a member we were not sailed.

I stil sometimes think that maybe I should just have kept on with my ex... him gone, living with an other woman and all I felt I could not and put my papers for devorce in, possibly totally selfishly... but weird thing was I was proposed to a day after the devorce was clair. I did not even know it was clair, so I think God helped me with this, so I was clair with devorce before saying yes:p. And I had 2 kids!!

God works miracles, I pray there is one for you and that you could understand what to do... oh and btw. go often to the Temple that helps!

[chiccam]

Rachelle,

Please, Please stay strong. I know now you are confused, sad and lonely but please get on your knees and ask for God to keep you strong. You can't go through this on your own and if you don't turn to God you may feel the void with the wrong things.

Is this man the father of your child?

Just know that Heavenly Father is just, and if you're doing what you should be doing he will provide for you. Could it be that this guy wasn't meant for you? Even you mentioned that he's on mood stabalizers, is he Bipolar? He could be in a manic phase and may end up doing the same thing to this new women.

God could be protecting you from long painful path. It's hard to see beyond now. I'm going through a difficult time as well and everyday gets better. You may surprise yourself at how strong you actually are.

[Guest missingsomething]

Rachelle,

I am so sorry and saying that wont make it better. Its ok to feel mad, ticked off, enraged. When someone betrays you, mentally ill or not, every emotion is evoked. While many might say you shouldnt hate god... its normal Ithink. I think, or should I say, in time, once you have come out on the other side of this for the better, you will come around back to God.

Ill pray for you.

[RachelleDrew]

Updates of all kinds.

My husband will probably not be back, and after this weekend i'm not sure if I want him back. He was incredibly cruel to me a few days ago, and it borders on emotional abuse. Truth be told, I wish he would hit me instead of saying the things he did. At least then I could knock his teeth out and show him who he is messing with.

Yet I don't have that option. If I didn't have to worry about my son, I would probably push him down a flight of stairs. I would light his apartment on fire. I would tell every girl within a mile of him that he had and STD or something. But because of my son, I just have to play nice. I don't want this to get nasty, I don't want my kid to have to suffer because of my choice to retaliate.

I'm angry with him. Angry because he cheated on me. Angry because he wouldn't get his meds sorted after I begged him, bargained with him and implored him. Angry because my son now has to be raised by a woman on her own with nothing to give him. Angry that I nearly DIED giving birth to our son and he doesn't care. Angry that i'm alone. I'm angry that the other woman isn't going to face any consequences for what she's done. Angry that I have to be a divorced woman with a child and try and navigate the LDS dating scene. Angry because I have been ousted from my branch because HE is there, only to go to the only branch I can attend plausibly but SHE goes there. Angry that I had to drop out of school because I was in the freaking psych ward during my finals. Angry that he broke promises to me. Angry that I worked my tail to the bone losing weight for a guy that didn't care what I looked like because he was having sex with someone else. Angry that I went from living quite comfortably to being completely broke. Angry that one day my son is going to ask me why his daddy doesn't live with him and i'm going to have to watch him cry when he hears the reason. Just angry.

I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I got a blessing from my father-in-law and during the blessing I received a prompting to remove myself from my husband's romantic dealings, and only talk with him about issues regarding our son from now on. I believe I am being spared a lot more trouble in the future.

I thank you all so much for the support. I just wish I had some good news to tell you all.

One thing is certain; I am planning on leaving Illinois and possibly moving to Utah. Not immediately, just sometime within the next couple of years. I do not want to be a single mother. I am terrified that something will happen to my son before i am sealed to him. I've been to the emergency room twice for panic attacks since I got this news because my son was sick this week and I was scared he was going to die before I was sealed to him. He only had a cold, but it's terrifying to me.

Not only the issue of dating, I want a fresh start for myself and my son. My husband has already told me he wouldn't try and stop me from leaving with our son, and I know he's telling the truth. However, there is no LDS population here. In fact, all the people my age move west as soon as they are financially able to do so. But the problem of finances remains. I don't have any clue how you Utah people on this board afford to live there. I was trying to get an idea for finances how much money I need to save to get the hell out of here. The cost of a studio apartment in Logan was like 500 dollars. Where I live now, I could get a three bedroom apartment with utilities paid for less than 500. It's insanity.

I don't know. I'm rambling. Sorry guys.

[Guest missingsomething]

Rachelle,

I told Queries once that the loss of marriage is like the loss (from death) of a spouse. You are in the anger phase. You will work thru that too. Its incredible what we must endure. I would suggest to you to read Matt. 11: 29-30 over and over... and also with regards to being sealed with your son... You have not broken your covenant of marriage. If you continue to live righteously, and make the best decisions that you can... seek to become (if you arent already) temple worthy. If you do this, then you are promised the blessings that you have earned - even if you dont get sealed here. Heavenly Father is merciful and would never make you life w/out your son if you live like you should.

Another scripture that has helped me with the blessings of an eternal family etc... is this D&C 103:36 " All victory and glory is brought to pass unto you through your diligence, faithfulness, and prayers of faith. "

Hang in there!

[Pintail]

Updates of all kinds.

. I was trying to get an idea for finances how much money I need to save to get the hell out of here. The cost of a studio apartment in Logan was like 500 dollars. Where I live now, I could get a three bedroom apartment with utilities paid for less than 500. It's insanity.

I don't know. I'm rambling. Sorry guys.

Gnarly situation... Like sitting on the inside bowl at sunset when a clean up set from the west rolls through. On a side note though, I find it hilarious that people think the cost of living is expensive in Utah....It's all relative I guess.

[Misshalfway]

Hi Rachelledrew.

You can do this. You are strong. Anyone who reads your posts can see that. I am so sorry that it hurts so badly. But I hope you know that the anger is probably normal. I am sure the intensity of the pain with subside with time. Lean on the Savior. Hand the injustices and the insults to him too. He knows this pain intimately and he absolutely can heal you and strengthen in the very way you need.

As you look back on this experience in years to come, you will be glad that you took the high road with regards to your behavior with your ex. You are setting an example to your son, even now, for how to deal with very difficult circumstances.

I would be outraged too about this girl being allowed to serve a mission. And I absolutely agree with Wingnut about the MTC (if she gets that far). The MTC is a pressure cooker for the unprepared. And leaders talk about repentance everyday. Heck, when I was there the pressure to confess was so strong, I felt guilty and I had nothing to feel guilty about! Felt like I should go confess just on general principle. So, don't you worry about her. Give her to God. He will deal with her as he does all his children. You can let go. In fact, don't go looking for info about her or her life. It will most likely upset you. And it sounds like moving onward and upward with regards to your needs might be a more healing path for you. It doesn't fix what has happened or any painful outcomes that may happen in the future, but at least you can know that you didn't get mired in the muck of it.

Best wishes. My heart breaks for situations like this. May the Lord heal your heart and teach you lessons of love. And may he give you the strength to pass through all the steps of healing too. Listen to the anger and be kind to yourself as you feel it and vent when you need to, but don't stay in that anger too long. Patiently pass through it, but then let it go when it no longer serves you.

(((((Hugs))))))) You are in my prayer thoughts.

[Guest Alana]

Financially, I know this may sound like a hollow promise, but you'll make it work someway. The Lord will bless you and you can make it work. There are a few single moms in my ward, where the living expenses are astronomical (average apartment rent is almost $1600) but they keep getting the support and blessing that they need when they need them. Best of luck with everything, your son is lucky to have you.

[deseretgov]

Not sure if it helps but the apartment my wife and I rent here in Pocatello, Idaho is $395 a month. A large LDS population here. I'm sorry to hear about everything, I wish I could help out more.

[angela]

Rachelle -

I have only one piece of advice to give to you. LISTEN TO THE SPIRIT.

I have been/am currently in a somewhat similar situation. I have found that many people want to give you "wordly" advice and opinions on what you should do. It is okay for them to support and sympathize with you - but when you are looking for answers on what to do and where to go from here trust FULLY in the Lord. Oh trust me - I KNOW this is easier said than done.

Know that Heavenly Father does not want you to be miserable. He will not direct you to stay with a spouse who has no intentions on EVER changing (although he may ask you to put forth an effort for short periods of time - and what you gain from this is KNOWLEDGE and experience). I am not saying that either of these situations are the case. Just turn 100% completely to the Savior. Remember that he has already overcome your hurt and pain. He has atoned for YOU as well as your husband. But you still have to CHOOSE to put that victory to use.

My heart goes out to you. It really does. I understand the things you are feeling more than I can ever express. Anger is natural. Hurt and pain are natural. Do not deny your feelings - but please remember to pray that your heart may be softened to see your husband as the Lord does. (This does NOT necessarily entail you ever being back with him.) Just remember that he IS still a child of God. Pray for him, even if you do end up getting a divorce. Stay away from the bitterness that will surround you. The adversary wants you to fall into that deep pit of hate and despair. It is a HARD place to pull yourself out of, trust me on this.

I wish it wasn't two in the morning here. I wish I could think a little more clearly. I will try to send you a message in the next day or two because I really HAVE dealt with a lot of the things you are dealing with.

As with the prompting you got during your blessing about removing yourself from your husband's romantic dealings - that is good advice. I have sat around wracking my brain about all the "possible" things my husband may or may not have done or be doing. It does NO GOOD. Just remember again that if you husband ever gets the help he needs - his actions WILL be dealt with. Even if he doesn't get the help he needs in this life - his actions WILL be dealt with. I just try to remember that it is not my place to judge and I do not have a full knowledge about my h's conditions OR actions.

A little background (just so you know where I am coming from). I have 3 boys. 1 from my previous marriage and the last 2 from my current husband. My husband has some undiagnosed emotional things going on. That much I know. But he will not see a counselor long enough to even begin to sort them out or a doctor to consider biological causes. Heck, my husband cannot really even see that he has any issues. WELL - almost 2 years ago now my husband walked out on me while I was 2 months pregnant. Almost exactly 2 months after his baptism (which I truely believe was sincere). About 3 months later he was already living with another woman in a FULL relationship. I have been through MANY emotions during the past 2 years. TRUST me. I can relate to what you are going through. Currently, my husband and I tried to reconcile. At the time I was NOT fully listening to the Spirit and didn't consult HF about how we started the reconciliation. Anyway, I found out my H was still struggling with a pornography addiction. After fasting and praying I decided to very lovingly approach my H about the situation. He denied EVERYTHING again and up and left me again. While my situation SEEMS hopeless to everyone who knows me - my blessings say otherwise. :) I know that whatever happensI will be okay as long as I follow the direction given to me from the Spirit.

[Italics]

My husband hasn't been the same since he switched to a different mood stabilizer three months ago.

I tried to get him to go to a psychologist and look into something different. But he said he felt good on those meds and he didn't want to change. But he was acting funny. Doing risky things, saying stuff out of character for him. I was concerned. I tried talking with him in a non-confrontational manner and got no results.

I spoke with his parents and they agreed the medication wasn't working and that it was making him into a person they were concerned about.

A few weeks later our sex stopped. I did not do well with this change at all. I read books, I asked about counseling, I prayed and fasted. Nothing. He just said his drive was bad because of his new job.

A few days ago, our BP came to us and told us we were on our way to the temple to get sealed. He seemed so happy, and I was elated.

24 hours ago he admitted that he has been having an affair with another church member. For about the past two weeks. He says that he no longer loves me, and wants a divorce. He also does not want contact with our son. He just wants to walk out.

I begged him, and I reasoned with him. I told him he wasn't thinking straight. I promised him that if we just went to counseling and gave it 100% that we could fix it. I told him i would forgive him if he wanted to work it out.

2 hours ago he packed his stuff and moved into a friends house.

It's 7:35 and I hate god, I hate the church. I hate myself. I'm going to have to walk into sacrament tomorrow and see the two of them there. She's already told several of her friends that he's going to take her to the temple one day and marry her. He's been telling her that for the past two weeks. I read the letter he sent her. He wants to have a forever family with her and start all over again like my son and I don't exist.

How can this happen? Why would my sister in the church deprive me of a temple marriage and hurt a little boy who never did anything wrong?

Why do they get to be happy and I have to struggle just to breathe right now?

I'm never going to get a family forever. No guy in the church wants to marry a divorcee with a son. Nobody in the church wants to marry an ex-drug addict. No worthy man in the church is going to want me. I'm damaged goods now. Not only do I not have the man I love more than anything, but my son doesn't have a father and I don't think i'll ever be able to give him one.

I'm so alone.

If it makes you feel any better, there is no way on earth that they will be getting a temple marriage any time soon if they have both been committing adultery.

Be the strong one. Their choices are going to lead to excommunication and most likely inactivity... perhaps even rebellion against the church.

You can choose to take the high road and remain active and secure.

Easier said than done, but POSSIBLE.

Your opinion that you are "damaged goods" is pure generalization. You will find someone... not everyone in the church is as shallow as you may think.

Heck, there are plenty of guys who have been in your situation or similar situations. They will understand.

[Italics]

^That's just it. She completely threw my husband under the bus and said that he was lying about everything. That there was never any relationship, and that he's making everything up.

The bishop cannot act on anything that she won't admit to. So long as she proclaims innocence, and there is no physical evidence only my word against hers, she still gets to go on her mission. It pisses me off that a person like THAT gets to serve and I never got to. What place does she have teaching the gospel to ANYONE?

My husband is just going insane. I do know that he is making SOME of the things regarding this woman up. Specifically the length of time they were together. The length of time he tells me they were boyfriend/girlfriend isn't physically possible. She was several states away.

However, there was a relationship and I am 100% certain on that.

I don't know.

If she really did those things, I don't think she'll last too long on a mission.

And perhaps she needs a mission more than a mission needs her, if you know what I mean.

[Rico]

If she really did those things, I don't think she'll last too long on a mission.

And perhaps she needs a mission more than a mission needs her, if you know what I mean.

Yep, they don't last long on a mission. I know of one girl who lasted 8 months. Her mission ended in the delivery room.

It's a no-no to wear your mission tag when you are giving birth. :)

[dazed-and-confused]

the only thing i can accurately address in all of this is your feeling like "damaged goods". as a former drug addict, and other things, i know the feeling of believing that there is just to much baggage for someone else to deal with. i wont go into detail, but believe me, i know that feeling all to well. i want you to know that it isnt true. oh, sure.....you wont belive me just because i say it....but you will move through this hurt and come to realise it for yourself. want to know a little more about me?......read full disclosure....its suddenly very warm in here......in the intro yourself site. and as you can see from the responses you received, there are many who support you. damaged goods,..ppfffttt,.....as if!

[MorningStar]

I can't tell you how many women I've known who thought they were "damaged goods" or "no one would want a woman with a child" and moved on to remarry to someone wonderful.

You are not damaged goods! :)