Coming Clean

[Guest Godless]

Okay, here's my situation. My parents have known for a few years now that I've been inactive in the Church. They also know that I consider myself an atheist. However, there are more specific aspects of my lifestyle that they don't know about. They don't know about my tattoos. They don't know that I'm a craft beer enthusiast. They don't know that I'm not a virgin. To say that they take their religion very seriously would be a huge understatement. My mom was devastated when I first opened up to them about my doubts in regard to the LDS church. The idea of not being able to have me with them in the Celestial Kingdom was a heartbreaking concept for her to come to terms with. It is for this reason that I have been discrete about my "sinful" ways. I can't bear to hurt them any further.

I've been meaning to come clean for a while because while I don't want to hurt them, I hate being deceitful as well. I recently learned that my father will be visiting Texas in November to visit my grandfather on his 80th birthday. So it seems that I can't put this off any longer. The truth has to come out, preferably before he comes into my apartment and see my tats and beer bottles.

My dad's visit isn't the sole reason why I feel compelled to come clean. Like I said, I've been meaning to have this conversation with them for a while, but I haven't been able to build up the courage to open up to them. His visit has merely put a timeline on something that I should have done a long time ago. I still find the idea terrifying though. I'm personally not ashamed of the person I've become since distancing myself from the Church, but I know that the truth would hurt and disappoint my parents considerably. I guess what I'm looking for is advice on how to come clean while minimizing the pain on both ends, if that's possible. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

[Islander]

The pain and disappointment at this stage are unavoidable. You don't have to go into painfully excruciating detail about your "sins." They already know you have gone wayward and they are also avoiding the conversation, believe me. They will continue to pray and hope that you would mend your ways. Nothing you say willl make them stop trying to bring you back into the fold. You be polite, have compassion for their pain and do not try to "assert" your free will on their faces. In oder words, do not wear your rebelious/sinful ways on your sleeve.

Just be courteous and polite. You are an adult and you do not have to divulge details of your private life. It serves no purpose other than adding insult to injury.

[john doe]

Are your parents that naive? I would guess that they suspect all these things if they know you are atheist and inactive in the church. It shouldn't come as much of a surprise when these things come to light. Unless you have been misleading them?

[Guest Godless]

I'm sure that they have their suspicions, but that doesn't make this course of action any easier for me. suspicions are fairly harmless because they can be wrong. Reality is much more painful because it takes the uncertainty out of the equation and forces both sides to reach an understanding. This is the part that I'm struggling with.

Islander's right, I have no doubt in my mind that they've been avoiding the issue as well in order to keep tension between us to a minimum. I'm ready to put this behind me, but it's the final honest leap that has me nervous and scared.

[the Ogre]

Be honest, dude.

Will they understand? I don't know. I can't understand atheism, but that is just me. I think they would have more problems with that than tattoos or drinking beer (dude, beer is nasty, drink something that doesn't taste the same going in as coming out). The immorality will be hard, but I think they can handle it.

I have family members who have done similar and all my parents really want is to be a part of their lives. My brothers come home for Chr-stmas and we are a family (one of my brothers does make a ruckus sometimes, but he is one of those uber-mormons that make the rest of the church look bad). Stay in contact and let them come to terms with your life, but most of all: be honest. If they are honest with you, they will still love you.

[chiccam]

First the fact that you haven’t told them shows me how much you respect them and their views, even if you yourself don’t accept those views.

It’s hard to come clean. I think it’s important though but easier said than done as I myself hide many things from my family and friends (but that’s changing).

I think the best way is to just stop hiding it. My little sis feels similar as you and has decided not to hide the coffee maker or wine when family visits. She’s an adult and is free to choose. I found this very commendable as one who never wanted to disappoint so I hide things.

The biggest thing is to show your family love. They will accept you regardless (of course with hopeful hearts that you will return).

[Kirajo]

All I can say is that I hope they accept you anyways and treat you the same. I'm straight up LDS and while I hope my children will stay faithful with the church I don't plan on leading them to think that they mean less to me if they choose a different path. Your concerns are fair, but I think they will love you no matter what and will always welcome you. :) Good luck.

[MarginOfError]

I always had fears about how my parents would react when they found out things that I had hid from them. I remember when I finally fessed up about how the muffler on my dad's Camaro. I had been jumping train tracks, and two days later, my dad was driving it and the muffler fell off. When I finally confessed he went, "well duh! you were 17."

I also hid from them for years that I had tried a beer when I was in Germany, albeit non-alcoholic. I knew they'd be disappointed that I even experimented. Finally, six years later, I told them about that. My dad's response, "Oh yeah, I've known about that for 5 years now." Apparently one of my friends had told him.

The point being, your parents probably have a good idea of what's going on in your life. They may be a little disappointed if what has been suspicion becomes confirmed, but they've already dealt with the hardest part by now. Don't sweat it too much.

And if you mom disowns you, I'm willing to be your surrogate mother.

[Gwen]

i don't see why you should have to discuss your personal views or actions in regards to our law of chastity. i don't ask my siblings what they do with their significant others and they don't ask me. some things are assumed but we don't talk about it. so i wouldn't worry about that one.

the tattoos. unless you have a lot or they are in very in your face places i don't see why you should have to tell them that either. my brother doesn't call me to tell me when he gets a new one. i just notice. rarely do i mention anything about it. no big deal.

unless you have beer stuff everywhere why discuss that one either. i have family that drinks and they don't when i'm there visiting. i've seen pics i know they have parties, but not when i'm there, so it's not a problem.

respect them by not drinking when they are there, don't have to hide the evidence that you do drink. wear a shirt don't shove tattoos in their face, if they catch a peek fine. if they come over to eat a meal with you ask them if they would like to offer a blessing on the food. doesn't matter that you don't pray, it's nice to respect that they do. you can choose not to hide whithout being rude and in your face about it.

if they are the type that will freak out and say something and you feel the need to warn them i understand that too. lol i've warned some ppl before meeting some of my family.

i personaly would say, in a letter to them, something like....

i know we don't talk about my personal beliefs much. i appreciate the values you taught me growing up, i respect them, they have helped me to be who i am even if i don't believe them as you do. you know i've not been to church in awhile and there are choices i've made in my life since then. i'm happy and enjoy who i am. just wanted to let you know that some things have changed since we last talked about this and wanted to let you know to expect that when you come. the last thing i want is for you to be uncomfortable in my home. i'm really looking forward to your visit. ...... then ramble on about family thing, work, whatever to "change the subject" and leave it on a good note.

unless they ask what specificly it is don't worry about it.

[Guest Godless]

The point being, your parents probably have a good idea of what's going on in your life. They may be a little disappointed if what has been suspicion becomes confirmed, but they've already dealt with the hardest part by now. Don't sweat it too much.

And if you mom disowns you, I'm willing to be your surrogate mother.

Sweet! But no, I strongly doubt that it'll come to that.

I guess I haven't put much thought into how things have been on their end. You and JD are right though, they've probably had suspicions for a long time now, and that'll make things easier for them to some degree. That's definitely a comforting thought for me. Thank you all for your support and kind words.

[Guest Godless]

i don't see why you should have to discuss your personal views or actions in regards to our law of chastity. i don't ask my siblings what they do with their significant others and they don't ask me. some things are assumed but we don't talk about it. so i wouldn't worry about that one.

the tattoos. unless you have a lot or they are in very in your face places i don't see why you should have to tell them that either. my brother doesn't call me to tell me when he gets a new one. i just notice. rarely do i mention anything about it. no big deal.

unless you have beer stuff everywhere why discuss that one either. i have family that drinks and they don't when i'm there visiting. i've seen pics i know they have parties, but not when i'm there, so it's not a problem.

The tats will be noticeable and will probably come as a bit of a shock, so that's why I feel the need to bring it up. And the beer will definitely be noticeable. I have more beer in my fridge than food, plus several bottles being left to age in various kitchen cupboards.

if they are the type that will freak out and say something and you feel the need to warn them i understand that too.

That's precisely my concern. They're pretty gung-ho mormons and they do their best to follow Church doctrines to the letter. I'm hoping that they won't freak out, but I still can't shake the feeling that it may not go over too well.

Edited May 22, 2009 by Godless

[Vort]

Okay, here's my situation. My parents have known for a few years now that I've been inactive in the Church. They also know that I consider myself an atheist. However, there are more specific aspects of my lifestyle that they don't know about. They don't know about my tattoos. They don't know that I'm a craft beer enthusiast. They don't know that I'm not a virgin. To say that they take their religion very seriously would be a huge understatement. My mom was devastated when I first opened up to them about my doubts in regard to the LDS church. The idea of not being able to have me with them in the Celestial Kingdom was a heartbreaking concept for her to come to terms with. It is for this reason that I have been discrete about my "sinful" ways. I can't bear to hurt them any further.

Tell your folks that you're gay, that you've been trapped in a man's body for too long, and that you've finally saved enough to get that reassignment surgery so you can live life as you always wanted, just you and your three best boyfriends.

Then tell them that you were just kidding. Actually, you're an inked-up alcoholic womanizer. They'll be so relieved to hear it that they won't even complain.

[Guest Godless]

Oh where, oh where can that laugh button be???

[beefche]

And if you mom disowns you, I'm willing to be your surrogate mother.

MOE, aren't you a dude?

Godless, if your tats are very obvious (i.e. on your face/neck, etc), you might want to give your dad a head's up. He may suspect being seeing something like that is a little shocking to "Molly's".

I agree with what everyone is saying. You're an adult and even though your parents will be disappointed, you have a right to live as you believe and not apologize for it. Just be matter of fact and get it out there (although I think the whole non-virgin thing is a little TMI no matter whose parents).

[MarginOfError]

MOE, aren't you a dude?

I think Vort's previous post is applicable here.

[dazed-and-confused]

if i was as smart and eloquent as gwen is, i would have said what she said......as far as being an athiest goes...well....you never know.....sometimes things have a way of coming full circle......you may find in the future a renewed faith.....i'd say be true to yourself, and don't forget the golden rule.....a basic and simple spiritual practice......i've little doubt that there is love in your heart....and where love dwells, there dwells the spirit as well....and you should stick around this site....at least once in a while if thats all you feel like....i dont think you'll forget what you've learned.......and be careful......coming from someone that has spent too much time out in the cold throughout his life......there are dangers out there that can devestate a spirit.....but i do respect your "need" to walk your own path........and put on a jacket, it can get pretty cold........lol

[Dravin]

I've been meaning to come clean for a while because while I don't want to hurt them, I hate being deceitful as well.

Not mentioning that you aren't a virgin, you have a tattoo or you brew and drink beer isn't being deceitful.

Now if they show up and you claim the tattoo to be a henna, the beer to be home made soda (just hope they don't ask for any ) and the pack of condoms you left on the end table is for 'water balloon' fights then you are wandering into deceitful territory.

[Moksha]

Godless, many people have bouts with atheism. I know I did. It took me many years searching on my own quest for meaning till I arrive back at the LDS Church. As far as the other stuff, we all have our foibles and the good thing is that God knows of those foibles and is happy to welcome us back none the less. Religion points the way to better behavior and offers support and comfort. It supplies meaning for our spiritual yearnings that will become more apparent with age. Even if you profess no faith, I have noticed from your postings that you are a good person. No doubt your parents have picked up on that too.

:)

[MarginOfError]

Not mentioning that you aren't a virgin, you have a tattoo or you brew and drink beer isn't being deceitful.

Now if they show up and you claim the tattoo to be a henna, the beer to be home made soda (just hope they don't ask for any ) and the pack of condoms you left on the end table is for 'water balloon' fights then you are wandering into deceitful territory.

Those are really expensive water balloons...and I'm not sure that they'd hold enough friction against a person to actually pop.

[Dravin]

40 grit suits? :)

He could say its to keep sand and water out of the barrel of his M1 Garand when he hits the Normandy beaches but I imagine that's even less likely to be bought.

[Soul_Searcher]

Godless, I understand why you feel so worried. My DH told me for ages to come clean to my Dad and tell him I wasn't sure if the church was true and that I was having problems. I put it off for a year or more. Eventually HE brought it up. I should have done so sooner. But I love my Dad, and I was so worried about what he would think and about disappointing him as I am the only active child left. He was good about it though, I really should have come clean sooner.

I think you must truly love and respect your parents to have put this off for so long. But if they really love you they will understand. Yes, it might hurt them but if you are open and honest then your relationship will be closer and more open when you feel you are not being deceptive anymore.

[ViolinGirl]

Your parents will love you no matter what you tell them. They may not agree with your lifestyle, but they won't stop loving you because you have some tattoos and drink beer. I'm sure they want you to be happy no matter what path you choose. It sounds to me like it's really on your heart to talk to them about your life, so do it. You'll feel better and you're probably worrying for nothing.

[Gwen]

this isn't directed at your situation godless, don't want to be the one being all negative but something is bothering me about all the responses.

yes a parent should love their kids no matter what, even if they go way off the path they dreamed for them as a child. but the reality is a lot of parents don't do that. kids (even adult kids) are disowned for their choice not to stay in the church as much as they are for their choice to join the church. sometimes it happens, more than we'd like to think. the truth is we don't know his parents. they may totally freak out and never come back. i hope they don't, i hope they are the rational loving parents i assumed they are when i gave my 2 cents. but we can't tell someone it "won't happen". if it does it will hurt. i know ppl that have been cut off due to choices, i've seen it. it hurts. they may make some hard decisions. they may still accept him but feel very uncomfortable in his home with all the brew and decide not to visit him there anymore. hurts but may be the tough choice they make.

honestly if he were my brother i probably would not take my children to his house if the brew is that out in the open (having not seen it, just based on the description given). not cause my kids don't know about it but because my kids aren't used to it. they share eachother's drinks all the time. this presents a potential hazzard to young children. but i myself would go over without my kids if the occassion permitted. i would be more than welcoming to visit with him at any other location and would want my kids to know him. i have a brother i had to do that with. i didn't like it, but we talked about it, he understood. i've had family put restrictions on what i can do due to my personal beliefs. we've talked about it, i understand, it hurts, but i'm not going to let that ruin our relationship. in time we'll all grow, change, make decisions, won't be like this forever. but for now it's the way it is. i still have a relationship with them, i still love them, they are still family. those things will never change.

[Guest Godless]

Thank you very much for that post, Gwen. You're absolutely right about the reactions that some parents have when they learn that their children have rebelled/are rebelling against their religious upbringing. It tears families apart far too often. While I'm not worried about such an extreme reaction in my case, I've known a few LDS apostates who have faced complete alienation from their families as a result of the choices they've made. It's a big reason why many ex-mormons harbor feelings of bitterness towards the Church. It's a heartbreaking thing to see and it makes me all the more grateful to have parents who love me no matter what, even if there's tension and pain sometimes.

[pam]

Godless it sounds to me like you have a lot of love and respect for your parents. By the fact that you don't want to disappoint them any further is proof of that.

I'm sure it's a reciprocal thing. Parents get disappointed. As parents we should know that we do the best we can to teach our children the way they should go. But as parents we also should realize that our children do grow up. They develop minds of their own. They choose different paths that perhaps we didn't necessarily want them to go...but we SHOULD still love them.

Heavenly Father gets disappointed every single day, over and over by HIS children. But he still loves them. That is the example, we as parents should be striving for.