I can't attend church - perfume

[classylady]

I don't have a problem with scents, but at one job, there was a coworker who, I swear, must have doused herself with cologne--not just once or twice, but every single day. You could smell her cologne even when you were in a different room. I once had a friend who was allergic to scents, so I was sensitive to how others who do have allergies would be reacting to this coworker's overpowering smell. I simply cannot understand this need of hers to douse herself with her particular brand she liked. Maybe she didn't have a sense of smell? I don't know. It's been over 30 years since I worked at that particular job, and I don't remember a lot of people there. But, I remember her. And her smell.

[Vort]

I never understood what people were whining about when they didn't like someone's cologne until the day I went to the opera with my wife and we sat beside an older lady who smelled like she had been swimming in perfume. It was literally nauseating, and also gave me a pounding headache. I actually asked to be relocated, something I had never done anywhere, because the smell was so bad. So now I have a bit more sympathy for those with sensitivity to cologne.

[Sali]

I used to really like perfume and I still have some, but all I can do is look at it in the pretty bottles nowadays. I just can't stand it anymore. If I am around someone with perfume on, I get an awful migraine. I really feel for people who have it worse than that. Is it something that they have added to perfumes in the last decade or so? I don't really think any of them smell pleasant anymore.

At our last Stake Conference, my DH and I sat down on one pew and the perfume smell was so strong that I told my husband that I needed to move, so we hopped over to another row. Also, if I am close enough or comfortable enough with a person, I explain the situation to them and ask that if we are together would they mind not wearing it. Most people are pretty understanding and do try to remember.

Aren't we asked not to wear these products in Temples now? I thought I heard something about it, but I am not sure.

[Guest DeborahC]

Some Temples host a fragrance free session. I think people are asking for this more and more. It's painful to be stuck in a room, even a few pews away, if the perfume is strong. It permeates the room by osmosis after a bit. Even in Sacrament, when I sit in the overflow area with the curtain just barely cracked, I'm in pain by the end of the meeting.

I heard of one ward that was fragrance free and they even posted the doorways (which I loved!). I'm praying the church leaders are listening...

[Mommers]

Does anyone talk about the fragrance problem in church any more? I'm so frustrated with LDS women who are constantly talking about ministering to the one or little acts of kindness but refuse to acknowledge or help with MCS. I've tried kindly asking them to come fragrance free. Some have but most don't care. I have to isolate myself to the  foyer (if the air is good) or listen from the kitchen or go home.  I've been nice for some years but now I find myself becoming cynical, feeling hurt and disliking the sisters.   I know it's wrong to feel this way and I don't like the feeling but  it's getting worse. Any advice?

 

[zil]

9 hours ago, Mommers said:

Does anyone talk about the fragrance problem in church any more? I'm so frustrated with LDS women who are constantly talking about ministering to the one or little acts of kindness but refuse to acknowledge or help with MCS. I've tried kindly asking them to come fragrance free. Some have but most don't care. I have to isolate myself to the  foyer (if the air is good) or listen from the kitchen or go home.  I've been nice for some years but now I find myself becoming cynical, feeling hurt and disliking the sisters.   I know it's wrong to feel this way and I don't like the feeling but  it's getting worse. Any advice?

Have you talked to the RS president?  As one, I would gladly make (and repeat) a request at the start of RS each Sunday for women to come to Church scent-free (doubt it would work to ask everyone to stop using their normal soap, shampoo, hair gel or whatever as scent-free versions can be hard to find, expensive, and/or not work well for one's skin/hair type; but surely they can refrain from applying perfumes and whatever other products they use for the sole purpose of applying an artificial scent).  And I would hope the Primary and YW presidents would do the same.  And I would do this every week for at least a quarter (and put it in any mass-communication emails, newsletters, whatevers) because people have to hear / see something 7 times (so say the researchers) before they internalize it.

Were I a bishop, I would gladly make that request (repeatedly) in Sacrament meeting and ask all the auxiliaries / quorums to do the same.

I suggested this in my ward, but the sister in question has issues with every chemical, down to the carpet cleaner and whatever they use to coat the gym floor, so apparently even if the members were to come scent-free, she wouldn't be able to stay the whole time.

NOTE: Realistically, I suspect a few members will ignore the request, so if one is too many, it may be a futile exercise, but I would try it anyway.

Edited May 25, 2018 by zil

[anatess2]

9 hours ago, Mommers said:

Does anyone talk about the fragrance problem in church any more? I'm so frustrated with LDS women who are constantly talking about ministering to the one or little acts of kindness but refuse to acknowledge or help with MCS. I've tried kindly asking them to come fragrance free. Some have but most don't care. I have to isolate myself to the  foyer (if the air is good) or listen from the kitchen or go home.  I've been nice for some years but now I find myself becoming cynical, feeling hurt and disliking the sisters.   I know it's wrong to feel this way and I don't like the feeling but  it's getting worsea Any advice?

 

I am so sorry you are having this life challenge and I hope and pray the good Lord will bless you with comfort and healing.  I am sympathetic to your plight and if I was in your ward, I'd happily go without my scent even if that is something very difficult for me to do.  My husband's scent is part of my comfort too.  There are many days when things are not going well and my husband comes home and the first thing that hits me is his scent and it's like every care in the world just flows off my body with his scent as a balm.  I would give him this big extended hug just to envelope myself with the comfort of him.  When I'm not with him and I smell the scent on somebody else, the pang of homesickness hits me like a ton of bricks.  When my sons turned 12, part of the "ritual" of them turning 12 in addition to receiving their priesthood is a trip to the mall to find THEIR scent.  The thing that becomes part of their presence.  But all of us - my husband, kids, and I - will gladly go without our scents for you to be able to make it to all 3 hours of Sabbath worship.

The rest of what I'm going to say may be difficult to hear because I'm just going to say it like it is.

You talked about ministering - how people in your ward aren't ministering to you.  That's unfortunate but the Church is a hospital of sinners and not a ward of celestial beings.  But you could minister to others by simply understanding that for some, if not most, going without their scents is going without comfort or a part of their identity - in the same manner that you're asking a kid attached to his security blanket to go without it.  Yes, it can be done by slowly weaning oneself away from such security.  It would be better if the effort to do so is acknowledged as a major sacrifice instead of just dismissing them as "terrible ministerers" (looking outward instead of inward).  You're basically asking an entire ward to do this major sacrifice for the comfort of one with a condition that is not very well understood when we are still trying to stop ourselves from not judging people who park in handicap parking with "invisible disabilities".  This is not an easy thing to do. 

So, this is my advice... you are going to be happier if you look outward instead of inward.  You have this cross to bear.  It is hard.  We all have our own unique circumstances - our own crosses to bear.  Expecting people to carry your specific cross with you in addition to their own crosses is not going to go well because you can't control imperfect people.  You can only control yourself.  So look at their perfumes as YOUR service to them.  Ask them for service - to go without their perfumes - but if they can't then it becomes your service to them to allow them their comforts while you work with your doctor and your bishop to figure out coping mechanisms and ward cooperation to hopefully get you to sacrament meeting.

 

Edited May 25, 2018 by anatess2

[omegaseamaster75]

10 hours ago, Mommers said:

Does anyone talk about the fragrance problem in church any more? I'm so frustrated with LDS women who are constantly talking about ministering to the one or little acts of kindness but refuse to acknowledge or help with MCS. I've tried kindly asking them to come fragrance free. Some have but most don't care. I have to isolate myself to the  foyer (if the air is good) or listen from the kitchen or go home.  I've been nice for some years but now I find myself becoming cynical, feeling hurt and disliking the sisters.   I know it's wrong to feel this way and I don't like the feeling but  it's getting worse. Any advice?

 

You resurrected a 5 year old thread.

What is MCS?  wait i just googled it. Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. I like how you assume that everyone should just know the acronym. 

I also see that MCS isn't even a real disease. While I am sympathetic to your plight I think it is obnoxious to ask everyone to change to accommodate you. Have you tried wearing an air filtration mask?

In context I hate cheap shoes, but i constantly see men in black sneakers or some rubber soled trash, wrinkled used to be white short sleeve shirts and a polyester suits and declare it their "Sunday best" It makes me physically ill, despite all of my complaints no one seems to care. 

[NightSG]

Around here, several wards have Spanish speaking missionaries translating the service in realtime over the RF headsets.  I know these will receive at least as far as the RS room, and likely to at least the parking spaces nearest to the transmitter.  The Church has also been encouraging wards to have at least a few headsets for those with hearing difficulty and a transmitter for the regular audio.  I'd expect that the bishop could make arrangements to reserve a parking space within range, and have a headset brought out.

[JAD]

I understand your frustration. My daughter and I are both allergic to fragrances. My daughter's reaction is so much worse than mine but church is hard. I sit in the mother's room with my air purifier running. My daughter if finally able to go to a single adult ward because they are nicer and more understanding about not wearing perfumes. Our home ward where she grew up, her YW leader refused to not wear perfume, then would laugh about it. So she couldn't ever participate in YW. When we switched wards due to boundary changes, the new YW leader asked me how she could help reactive my daughter. I told her my daughter wasn't inactive she just couldn't attend our last ward due to her leaders wearing perfumes. She said oh, I was told by the YW leader (the one who wore the perfume) that my daughter didn't want anything to do with the church. I was so upset. My daughter does so much to keep her faith even though she couldn't attend due to people's choices and refusal to avoid perfumes. But we have been asked not to announce or ask our new ward to avoid perfumes because it upset the members of our last ward. We weren't mean or forceful. We simply said our family had extreme allergies to fragrances and asked if the members would please avoid applying perfumes or colognes before attending church. We even sat in the relief society room for sacrament and listened over the intercom  with the doors open to the outside rain, snow or shine. We had to turn off the heating and Air because it would circulate the fragrances from the other rooms in the building into the room, so we froze in winter and sweated all summer. But apparently us asking was offensive or intrusive to other in the congregation. It's hard not to feel offended or hurt that we can't ask someone to avoid choosing  to do something they do for simple pleasure or habit that physically hurts us medically. But here we are and I know we are not the only ones. Our building is so bad, I have to hold my breath to even walk through the halls to the mother's room. Honestly, if you can be smelt from across the room, you are invading other peoples space and are wearing way too much perfume. Please respect others and keep your scents to a 3 foot radius. This goes for essential oils too. While those are definitely better for your health, they can cause just a many allergic reactions in others as artificial fragrances. There is too much of a good thing too! Stick to the 3 ft rule and maybe we can all get along!! Thank you!!

[zil2]

Welcome, @JAD!  Sorry you and your daughter have to struggle with this.  I don't have an physical reaction to scents, but I agree it would be nice if folks didn't use them at all.

[pam]

I am extremely sensitive to many perfumes, colognes and other scents. Especially those that have a musk base. I can't walk into a store that has incense burning. My throat immediately closes up and I can't breathe.  Even something like my neighbor's dryer vent which is right outside my front door leading to the steps makes me gag when she is using the dryer because of the dryer sheets.  Pretty much most things I purchase are scent-free. Unless it's something like citrus or vanilla. Vanilla is my happy scent.  

[Vort]

I am not particularly sensitive to perfumes and like scents. But back 20 or so years ago, when we lived near Seattle and would go to the opera, my wife and I were seated a few rows from an older lady who seemed to have bathed in lavendar perfume. It was so strong that it gave me a headache, first time ever getting a headache from a scent. We asked to be reseated in another section, and we weren't the only ones. I have never been so incensed.

But seriously, I look back on that event and wonder at my own reaction. I was literally angry—angry with an old woman (in retrospect, not all that old, perhaps about the age I am today) who had done me no harm or insult, and whose only crime was to go into public wearing too much lavendar perfume. I also wonder how God maintains perfect charity toward someone like me. I'm sure she was a lovely lady, yet my gut reaction was to be angry and take offense. At her perfume.

If it happens, the greatest miracle I will ever see will probably be Christ saving me despite myself.

...aaaaaand, I just rescanned the thread and found that I already mentioned this event. I'm almost 62, so cut me a break. I'm going to go put on some lavendar cologne.

Edited January 7 by Vort

[Carborendum]

11 minutes ago, Vort said:

I have never been so incensed.

LoL.

I have always had a keen nose.  As such, I had a reaction to virtually everything. 

• If I went within 50 ft of a port-a-potty at a fair or flea market, I'd have to run away or start vomiting.  
• When I was at school, a lot of the girls wore heavy perfume and the guys wore a lot of cologne.  I had to sit way in the back to avoid the scents.  A couple of girls thought that I was looking a bit outcast, so they invited me to join them.  I had to inform them that I couldn't because I'd get headaches.

I could mention dozens more events to this effect.  But at each location, I realized this was a weakness inherent in me.  I had to figure out how to deal with this myself.  And I did.  As I went from ward to ward, I noticed that some wards had people who wore more scents, and some where few to none did.

The bottom line is that I realized that the weakness was me.  I was the one who needed to take extra measures, not others.  And as I did so, I found that a lot of people, upon hearing of my condition, would stop wearing scents.  Some would not.  The litmus test as to whether it was too much was if "normal" people started complaining about it.  And that, too, happened.

[zil2]

The OP referred to herself as the "canary in the coalmine".  Ten years ago I might not have been too concerned - might have thought, "Well, it's just an abnormality in one person. There's nothing wrong with the various products being used to clean and scent people and buildings."  Today, I think "canary in the coalmine" is correct, and we all should have been paying more attention to the chemicals flooding our environment so corporations can make a larger profit.  Maybe the canaries do indeed suffer from abnormal sensitivities for whatever reason (genetic, I suppose), but I think we should quit ignoring the warning signs.  (Actually, I think we have finally begun to quit ignoring the warning signs.  Heaven knows how long it'll take to do anything about it.  Or whether anything even will be done about it.)