Wife might be cheating, how should I feel about this?

[myalternate]

I can do better. You obviously know this by now. I am overwhelmed at present. I usually work with others personal problems professionally. I came here expecting something spiritually different. Please allow me to take a closer look at the matter. Maybe I can help. :)

I'm pretty sure it is too late for your help with this one. Maybe you should go sell your services somewhere else for awhile.

[jennvan]

One more thing...

I know that my Wife will never be active in the Church.

I would like a Temple marriage, and to raise my children (when I have them) in the Church.

My Wife will never have a testimony, because she simply does not care to. She has never read the Book of Mormon, and has no desire to. She was raised in a foreign country during a time when religion was frowned upon. Therefore, she has a deeply ingrained lack of interest in ANY religion.

Is it wrong to divorce someone over the fact that they are not willing to be a part of the Church?

Im in my early 30's, and Im concerned about what the dating scene will be like for me, if I decide to divorce.

Are there good single adult wards that are for people in their 30's? I only know of the YSA wards.

Anyone else here been in my situation. In early 30's, married for 3-5 years, no kids, ended up getting divorced???

What was your experience like? Is it difficult to find other women to date, or is it easy like it is in the YSA wards, where there are TONS of single girls?

My point is that I dont want to make the same mistake again. I want to marry a good LDS woman, who has a testimony, loves the gospel, and wants children and a temple marriage.

Like I said, Im in my early 30's, I have a good job (Im a Doctor), highly educated, no kids or other baggage, other than my "possibly soon to be ex-wife", and Im reasonably attractive and in good shape. I have a current temple recommend, pay my tithing, attend my meetings, fulfill my callings, and follow the commandments.

Its actually kind of pathetic because everyone in my ward feels "sad" for the situation Im in. My friends and parents think that I deserve someone better.

First, why did you marry someone you knew would never have a testimony or be active in the gospel if you wanted a temple marriage and to raise your children in the gospel?

Second, I dislike it when people assume that someone will NEVER do something. I've seen plenty of people who seemed pretty unlikely to change, have amazing things happen in their life. Don't assume she will never be active in church or have any of the accompanying experiences you said she would never have.

Third, there are lots of mid-singles in many areas of the world that are organizing themselves together, so you definitely won't be alone unless you choose to be. There is a range of people from never married with no kids to divorced with 5+ kids who participate in these groups. Your experience of divorce with no kids after being married a short time is enough of a phenomenon in the church that I'm actually doing primary research on it.

Fourth, from this latest post it seems like you want people to say its ok for you to divorce your wife. I believe that no one has the right to judge you or your marriage and decide if you should or should not get divorced. Only God knows what has happened and His plan for you. This is something you must take to the Lord in private supplication to understand what you should do. This isn't about what someone else would do or what their reaction would be, its about you and your experience.

Fifth, does your whole ward really know about what is going on with your wife and feel sad for you? If so, that's pretty harmful to any marriage. There are way too many people in your marriage. You gotta get people out of your marriage and fix your marriage between the two of you. It is possible to do it. A good marriage therapist would be a good start. Beyond Affairs Network website is another place you can start.

Sixth, just because you have a list of things you think women are looking for, doesn't necessarily mean you will get married again. I know lots of good LDS men who are similar to you who are not married for whatever reason. In the end, its all up to the Lord about when and with who.

[dclaw]

I met her when I was in college, we started dating, she took the discussions, when we got serious she joined the Church knowing that I would not marry a non-member. I then went to medical school and she got her MBA while I was in Med School. The first 10 or so months of the marriage she was very active, then when we moved to the North East for school she completely became inactive. She blamed it on our schedules for school and work, saying that after we graduated she would start going again.

Never happened.

We moved to North Carolina for my residency and she absolutely hates it here. Today she was complaining how she has no friends here, and I told her that she has an entire Relief Society full of friends. She replied "those are not my type of people and they never will be"

This..... Is what I'm dealing with : (

Very sad, but I have faith there is a woman out there with a testimony and love for the gospel, family, and life in general out there for me

[yjacket]

1st time post here. Hopefully this doesn't come off to harsh.

She may be cheating . . . but based on your comments, you might want to be a little more introspective.

Be a man. Honor the commitment you've made to this wonderful woman to the fullest extent possible. No eyes for others, no thinking about what could have, should have, would have, or could be (with another woman) -- they are irrelevant. You have a commitment with your wife, and until such time as proof positive exists that she is cheating or abusive, make your marriage work. Unless she has done something to break trust, trust her.

Marriage takes work. Starter marriages are false. No matter who you marry (stong LDS woman, etc), issues will ALWAYS exists, it's how you handle them that make the difference. I've seen married non-member couples who have wonderful marriages and sealed spouses who divorce. Do you think you made a mistake and run away or man up to the decisions you've made stick with it and with the Lord's help make a wonderful marriage? Your choice.

[dclaw]

1st time post here. Hopefully this doesn't come off to harsh.

She may be cheating . . . but based on your comments, you might want to be a little more introspective.

Be a man. Honor the commitment you've made to this wonderful woman to the fullest extent possible. No eyes for others, no thinking about what could have, should have, would have, or could be (with another woman) -- they are irrelevant. You have a commitment with your wife, and until such time as proof positive exists that she is cheating or abusive, make your marriage work. Unless she has done something to break trust, trust her.

Marriage takes work. Starter marriages are false. No matter who you marry (stong LDS woman, etc), issues will ALWAYS exists, it's how you handle them that make the difference. I've seen married non-member couples who have wonderful marriages and sealed spouses who divorce. Do you think you made a mistake and run away or man up to the decisions you've made stick with it and with the Lord's help make a wonderful marriage? Your choice.

Ok, thanks for the advice, which I will completely disregard.

Next time your wife/husband runs off for a weekend getaway by themselves to a city they've never been to before, where the only person they know there is their ex boyfriend/girlfriend, and when they return home you see in their luggage a couple of laced thong see through underwear or condoms, then tell me how much you trust them?

Man up? Does manning up mean accept or ignore the very probable fact that your spouse is cheating? I don't think so! I think manning up would be to investigate further and make a decision to either divorce or forgive and move on.

For me infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. I could never stay with a woman who has cheated on me. I cam accept and work through just about anything else, but not cheating, that's where I draw the line. It's completely unnacceptable to me

[findingmyway]

From what you said, She married you for the wrong reason. Why did you marry her ? Is it because she joined the church ? Is that the basis of your marriage ? I ask, but Im sure you do love her and want her happiness too.

I want to ask you if you two had plans. If you two had goals, something to look forward to, to work towards.... Any goals, like a family, children, or even the temple. I find, if I have nothing to work towards, then I stand still, and dont progress. Life can be meaningless without a purpose, and thats when we have a void that needs to be filled, and some try to fill that void with what they know thats made them happy, or with fun and adventure. Your wife is trying to be happy here, and so are you. She may have started looking for fun times going away to NY, or talking to an ex, or even sexy panties to make her feel good.... but you have also started to look towards another woman that will make you happy, with a testimony, and a love for the gospel. Yes, there is a woman like that out there for you....... but focus on the one you have now. She has not blatantly said I want a divorce or say I dont love (I assume). She may still love you very much and still want this marriage. Youre moving too fast, asking about singles. Dont let your love be weak.....Work on your marriage first, give it your all until you can really say, I did my best. Whatever happens, divorce or not, I pray you BOTH will be comforted. Trust in Heavenly Father, and he will show you what you really WANT. Divorce or not, If you dont love her as a wife, you can still love her as a friend, and a daughter of Heavenly Father.

[a1000tears]

I've read all the responses and they is some wonderful advice given. For me, there are perfectly good explanations for all the questions you listed. I particularly don't find it odd that you wife went away alone. Sometimes there is so much noise in someone's life that they need to get away and think for themselves to help them figure out what they truly want.

This is an observation on the posts you have made. so I will put it somewhat bluntly but just know that I mean no offense by it.

Do you always "check" up on your wife? Do you always question her actions...it seems like a Parent/Child relationship rather than a marriage. It's just an observation so correct me if I'm wrong.

I think if you and your wife cannot get some help than you should probably try to get help for yourself and find out where you went wrong and why the marriage is going south. I believe you have a good heart and good intentions but you can only control your own behavior. Once you can learn to control your own behavior, then you will be at peace with her behavior no matter how bad it get's.

Once you start looking inward, you will find that you will not be paying so much attention to her behavior. You will be able to handle her behavior and maybe talk to her about it in a more productive way. Just know that right now it's not working..what you are doing is not working..so you need to find a way to make it work.

I think it's easy to think about divorce because right now it hurts. You are hurting and she is hurting and it feels like hell. I say don't worry about her right now..you need to worry about your own well being. Focus on yourself and the rest will come...and when I say the rest, I mean the answers you need will come.

Don't let this adversity at this time in your life win. Be strong. Have faith and endure to the end. This time in your life will pass and if you and your wife can get through it, you marriage will be that much stronger, your bond and commitment to each other will reach a level you never realized before. You will have a knowledge on such a deeper level that you share with one another that you could not have imagined before. I want you to experience that. That only comes after GREAT adversity. Not once in your marriage but many times in your marriage. Once you get through it, then you learn how to handle and take care of each other as time goes on.

I really am cheering for you and hope that you can find the strength endure to the end. :)

[jennvan]

I met her when I was in college, we started dating, she took the discussions, when we got serious she joined the Church knowing that I would not marry a non-member. I then went to medical school and she got her MBA while I was in Med School. The first 10 or so months of the marriage she was very active, then when we moved to the North East for school she completely became inactive. She blamed it on our schedules for school and work, saying that after we graduated she would start going again.

Never happened.

We moved to North Carolina for my residency and she absolutely hates it here. Today she was complaining how she has no friends here, and I told her that she has an entire Relief Society full of friends. She replied "those are not my type of people and they never will be"

This..... Is what I'm dealing with : (

Very sad, but I have faith there is a woman out there with a testimony and love for the gospel, family, and life in general out there for me

Its unfortunate that things didn't turn out how you hoped with your marriage. Its only between you and the Lord as to the decision that you need to make. He only can tell you the right decision that you need to make. Infidelity doesn't need to end a marriage. There is a difference between a one time fling (if that is what happened) and on-going damaging affairs. I've seen couples come through an affair and be stronger than ever on the other side (I'm a marriage and family therapist). I wonder if this might be a time that you get to show her your faith in God and that it might work a miracle in her life. I don't know and can't say for sure one way or another, but I do know that God asks us to go through hard things sometimes not only to try us but to build our testimony and the testimony of others. This is why its important for us to be in close communication with the Lord about the path He would have us take in these situations.

You can find a good marriage and family therapist who can go through all the things that would need to be looked at when choosing to divorce or not. Divorce sometimes feels like it will fix things and many times it doesn't help but can actually makes it worse. Hopefully your bishop can help support you in this difficult decision as well. And yet in the end, its your decision.

[Gatekeeper]

I certainly hope that you don't jump down those that you work with professionally as you did with this particular poster. Wow.

Usually the child molesters, and those abusing elderly parents. You understand?

[Guest]

Ok, thanks for the advice, which I will completely disregard.

Next time your wife/husband runs off for a weekend getaway by themselves to a city they've never been to before, where the only person they know there is their ex boyfriend/girlfriend, and when they return home you see in their luggage a couple of laced thong see through underwear or condoms, then tell me how much you trust them?

Man up? Does manning up mean accept or ignore the very probable fact that your spouse is cheating? I don't think so! I think manning up would be to investigate further and make a decision to either divorce or forgive and move on.

For me infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. I could never stay with a woman who has cheated on me. I cam accept and work through just about anything else, but not cheating, that's where I draw the line. It's completely unnacceptable to me

And herein lies your problem.

Sure, infidelity may be a deal breaker. But, look at it from her point of view. Did she run away because she wants to cheat on you? Or did she run away because you have become tiresome? Because, if something like this happens in my marriage (and I can see myself doing something crazy like this), I would hope my husband would first ask, why? Is there anything I can do to help? Instead of automatically saying - oh, you just want to cheat on me because you're this evil woman... or something.

If my husband tells me "you have the Relief Society" if I'm telling him I don't have friends here, I just might run away for a weekend too just to get out of that depressing scene. Friends are people you can be comfortable letting down your hair with. If you have problems with doctrine, Relief Society is not the first place you go to find comfort. Your husband is. But, from your statements in this post - you're the last one she'd go to for help too. Because, you already hung her to dry, judged, and juried.

Tell you what - you can marry a very active, fine young lady - been a mormon all her life today. Tomorrow she could leave the church and then what? You're going to divorce her too?

Someday you will have to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. It can only be greener in the side that you water.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and go love your wife. Because, in the end, God will not ask you - Did you marry a non-member? He will ask you - how did you treat your wife?

P.S. My husband and I both consider infedility as a deal breaker too. Therefore, we did not get married until we knew for certain this man (and this woman) is not the type to cheat on their spouses. Those are types of things you figure out before you get married. Now is too late to ask that question. So, yeah, if you married her not knowing the answer to that - or you thought you knew the answer to that - and something changed after you got married, might be worth your while to ask, What happened? And see if maybe, just maybe, she was not cheating on you.

P.P.S. Thong panties are not just for sex. Sometimes a woman needs to feel like a woman by wearing sexy lingerie. And then some women just go blow $20,000 on a shopping spree. Personally, it's safer for me to just binge on the lingerie - coz, it will take me years to recover from blowing $20,000...

P.P.P.S... and of course, your wife could be cheating on you. So now what... you leave her and find another woman. With her own set of problems. Marriage requires work. Very hard work. More work than med school. So, unless you've given it all you've got, might be better to stick around to find out what's really going on... unfortunately from your post, you're already exploring the divorce scene, thinking of your next wife. When your foot is already out the door, there's no way you can fix what's inside the house.

Edited April 14, 2011 by anatess

[dclaw]

And herein lies your problem.

Sure, infidelity may be a deal breaker. But, look at it from her point of view. Did she run away because she wants to cheat on you? Or did she run away because you have become tiresome? Because, if something like this happens in my marriage (and I can see myself doing something crazy like this), I would hope my husband would first ask, why? Is there anything I can do to help? Instead of automatically saying - oh, you just want to cheat on me because you're this evil woman... or something.

If my husband tells me "you have the Relief Society" if I'm telling him I don't have friends here, I just might run away for a weekend too just to get out of that depressing scene. Friends are people you can be comfortable letting down your hair with. If you have problems with doctrine, Relief Society is not the first place you go to find comfort. Your husband is. But, from your statements in this post - you're the last one she'd go to for help too. Because, you already hung her to dry, judged, and juried.

Tell you what - you can marry a very active, fine young lady - been a mormon all her life today. Tomorrow she could leave the church and then what? You're going to divorce her too?

Someday you will have to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. It can only be greener in the side that you water.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and go love your wife. Because, in the end, God will not ask you - Did you marry a non-member? He will ask you - how did you treat your wife?

P.S. My husband and I both consider infedility as a deal breaker too. Therefore, we did not get married until we knew for certain this man (and this woman) is not the type to cheat on their spouses. Those are types of things you figure out before you get married. Now is too late to ask that question. So, yeah, if you married her not knowing the answer to that - or you thought you knew the answer to that - and something changed after you got married, might be worth your while to ask, What happened? And see if maybe, just maybe, she was not cheating on you.

P.P.S. Thong panties are not just for sex. Sometimes a woman needs to feel like a woman by wearing sexy lingerie. And then some women just go blow $20,000 on a shopping spree. Personally, it's safer for me to just binge on the lingerie - coz, it will take me years to recover from blowing $20,000...

P.P.P.S... and of course, your wife could be cheating on you. So now what... you leave her and find another woman. With her own set of problems. Marriage requires work. Very hard work. More work than med school. So, unless you've given it all you've got, might be better to stick around to find out what's really going on... unfortunately from your post, you're already exploring the divorce scene, thinking of your next wife. When your foot is already out the door, there's no way you can fix what's inside the house.

If your the type of woman that runs away from her husband because he has become "tiresome" then I feel sorry for your husband. You sound like the exact type of woman I would stay away from.

We moved to a state where neither of us new anyone, not one person, no family, no one. When she complained that she didnt have friends, I was simply reminding her that there is a RS with about 40 women in it who have been trying to welcome her into the ward, visit her, invite her to activities, movies, lunch etc.

I was simply telling her that there ARE people she could become friends with. That should be a comfort, not a negative.

Her reply that "those are not my kind of people" is troubling to me. "Those people" are me and my entire family.

I COMPLETELY understand that some LDS members are just lame, super extreme, etc., and understand the reluctance to associate with members like that.

However, she is referring to Mormons in general.

I have spent the last 5 years trying to teach her the basic doctrines of the Church, read the BOM with her, pray together, talk about eternal marriage, etc.

She DOES NOT believe in any of it.

I STRONGLY believe in eternal progression and marriage, so its VERY difficult and almost non-sensical for me to stay married to someone who does not believe in it, and in fact has opinions to the contrary. She believes that an eternal marriage is non-sense, and does not exist.

You actually sound alot like her, I bet you guys would be good friends.

So what if you constantly water the grass on your side, fertilize it, try everything you can to make it grow, but it just dies, ravaged with weeds. Do you continue to water that grass your whole temporal life, completely miserable, only hoping that someday, maybe after 50 years, your wife will come around?

No, I'd say go find someone who believes in the same things you do.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, her non-activity in the Church is something I can accept and deal with to a point, but when I realize that she will NEVER be a part of the Church, I have to move on.

Keep in mind that my knowledge of her NEVER being active or caring about the gospel is based on her own admission. She firmly states she just doesnt, nor will ever care.

YOU may be the type of person who finds this type of marriage acceptable, but Im not. Especially, when there are literally tens of thousands of single LDS women out there looking for a good man like me.

[Guest]

If your the type of woman that runs away from her husband because he has become "tiresome" then I feel sorry for your husband. You sound like the exact type of woman I would stay away from.

We moved to a state where neither of us new anyone, not one person, no family, no one. When she complained that she didnt have friends, I was simply reminding her that there is a RS with about 40 women in it who have been trying to welcome her into the ward, visit her, invite her to activities, movies, lunch etc.

I was simply telling her that there ARE people she could become friends with. That should be a comfort, not a negative.

Her reply that "those are not my kind of people" is troubling to me. "Those people" are me and my entire family.

I COMPLETELY understand that some LDS members are just lame, super extreme, etc., and understand the reluctance to associate with members like that.

However, she is referring to Mormons in general.

I have spent the last 5 years trying to teach her the basic doctrines of the Church, read the BOM with her, pray together, talk about eternal marriage, etc.

She DOES NOT believe in any of it.

I STRONGLY believe in eternal progression and marriage, so its VERY difficult and almost non-sensical for me to stay married to someone who does not believe in it, and in fact has opinions to the contrary. She believes that an eternal marriage is non-sense, and does not exist.

You actually sound alot like her, I bet you guys would be good friends.

So what if you constantly water the grass on your side, fertilize it, try everything you can to make it grow, but it just dies, ravaged with weeds. Do you continue to water that grass your whole temporal life, completely miserable, only hoping that someday, maybe after 50 years, your wife will come around?

No, I'd say go find someone who believes in the same things you do.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, her non-activity in the Church is something I can accept and deal with to a point, but when I realize that she will NEVER be a part of the Church, I have to move on.

Keep in mind that my knowledge of her NEVER being active or caring about the gospel is based on her own admission. She firmly states she just doesnt, nor will ever care.

YOU may be the type of person who finds this type of marriage acceptable, but Im not. Especially, when there are literally tens of thousands of single LDS women out there looking for a good man like me.

Yep. Herein lies the problem.

You are so sure you are a good man. Yeay you.

Another P.S.: the way you judged and juried me... is the problem. You have a strict sense of right and wrong without any regard for why it got to that point. Just so you know, I was a devout Catholic when my husband and I got married. I'm LDS now a lot of it because of my husband. What does that tell you?

Oh, and yeah, we've been married amost 14 years, I've been LDS for 10.

And no, she didn't marry your friends or family and looks like she didn't marry you for your religion. So, if you married her for her religion, then something is wrong. Because, she didn't reject YOU when she didn't want to go to RS. You just felt that way. Lots for you to talk about. Or not.

Edited April 14, 2011 by anatess

[Sali]

We moved to a state where neither of us new anyone, not one person, no family, no one. When she complained that she didnt have friends, I was simply reminding her that there is a RS with about 40 women in it who have been trying to welcome her into the ward, visit her, invite her to activities, movies, lunch etc.

I was simply telling her that there ARE people she could become friends with. That should be a comfort, not a negative.

.

I think half the problem lies here. Are you really listening to what she is saying? It appears to be a miscommunication which is common amongst men and women. What I understand her to be saying is, "I'm lonely here, there is no one with whom I feel familiarity, my whole life has been turned upside down". Whereas you as a man, took her words at face value. This is perfectly normal and there is no condemning going on here. What she wanted from you, is someone to have empathy with her, rather than a solution. Women tend to seek empathy, men tend to seek solutions. A good marriage happens when the couple become aware of and learn each other's communication techniques.

[dclaw]

Yep. Herein lies the problem.

You are so sure you are a good man. Yeay you.

Another P.S.: the way you judged and juried me... is the problem. You have a strict sense of right and wrong without any regard for why it got to that point. Just so you know, I was a devout Catholic when my husband and I got married. I'm LDS now a lot of it because of my husband. What does that tell you?

Oh, and yeah, we've been married amost 14 years, I've been LDS for 10.

And no, she didn't marry your friends or family and looks like she didn't marry you for your religion. So, if you married her for her religion, then something is wrong. Because, she didn't reject YOU when she didn't want to go to RS. You just felt that way. Lots for you to talk about. Or not.

It tells me that you were not such a devout Catholic after all, considering the fact that you converted to another religion.

And it tells me that your Husband is not a strong Priesthood leader, since no active LDS man, who truly lives the Gospel, follows the commandments, and puts the Lord first and foremost, would ever marry a non-member. An active LDS man would require the woman to convert first, before any marriage.

It tells me that your husband is probably a Jack Mormon, and that you dont have a proper understanding of the Gospel.

I assume you have not had a Temple Marriage, that you dont regularly attend your meetings, callings, and probably dont pay tithing. You probably think its O.K., to drink wine, because you grew up as a Catholic, and its part of your "culture"... Am I correct?

My sense of right and wrong is guided by the Gospel. Your moral compass does not seem to follow the guidelines of our Church leadership, since you seem to believe that her behaviour is acceptable.

[estradling75]

Interesting I see alot of things about the wife's flaws and very little about husband's flaws (except what we read between the lines of his posts)

Problem is that a marriage doesn't get to this point without their being flaws and missteps on both sides. Without acknowledging those missteps and working to correct them, he will repeat them. The next step should be serious martial counciling. It might help them pull the marriage back together, at the very least it could show him were he went wrong (if he is willing to man up and face them)

[pam]

I'm going to insert a warning here. Personal attacks need to stop or this thread will be closed. I have deleted a post that was unnecessary.

Edited April 14, 2011 by pam

[Connie]

A righteous priesthood holder would honor his commitments, even if it was a commitment just until death. I’m sorry you made the choice to marry outside the temple, but the fact is that choice has been made. You have made a commitment to a woman. It’s very sad to see that you would be willing to throw that commitment away based on circumstantial evidence and/or unbelief. Maybe you should read through 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. It seems to me you should work on loving your wife. There is a very good thread here that gives many great resources. One I’ve recommended often is The 5 Love Languages. Look through the thread and read some of these resources. They may help your marriage should you choose to continue working on it.

However, as it seems you have made your decision, I would recommend letting any woman you have serious intentions toward read through this thread. The attitudes you’ve displayed here are not those of a righteous priesthood holder. It may be a deal breaker for her. You’ve decided to break a very serious commitment. One could infer that you have cheated on your wife with your thoughts of finding and marrying “a better woman” before you even file for divorce (though I doubt many would). Circumstantial evidence and unbelief are less than adequate reasons for breaking such a serious commitment regardless of your current regret at making it in the first place. It’s been made. Time to deal with it as a righteous priesthood holder would by honoring it.

Good luck to you, sir.

[UrbanFool]

The original post smelled bad to me, and it's getting worse with each response.

[Jennarator]

I'm thinking, although it might smell very fishy, thier is the "ionnocent until proven guilty" thing to consider. Fishy and guilty are not the same. I think this thread is starting to *** fue to the fire, but I think most people that are responding are trying to calm you down a bit and hoping you will try to talking things out and work them out before decided to end the marrige. Even talking to your bishop might help. I would talk to someone if I were you.

[Blocky]

1. How would you feel about your wife going to a city she has never been to by herself because she is mad at you and wants to get away for a weekend?

As a wife who is completely faithful to her husband, I don't think her going to a city by herself is harmful. I'm not a city kind of person, but if I really needed some alone time, going camping by myself would be a very welcome 'vacation' from the stresses of marriage.

2. How would you feel about finding that type of underwear?

Is your wife easily embarrassed? I don't think the buying of underwear is a problem, she's obviously trying to do something nice for herself. Her saying she didn't know how they got there is a problem, but that doesn't mean she slept with some one. Not at all. She could have bought them just to feel sexy. I think her being upset by your reaction and accusations and not caring if you think she was cheating or not is much more probable.

3. How would you feel about her ex boyfriend calling her?

It's up to the two of you to make rules for contact with people of the opposite sex. I know married couples who hang out with their exes. I know couples who aren't allowed to ever have private conversations with the opposite sex, on the phone, person or internet. Him calling doesn't mean anything other than maybe you and your wife need to talk about what you both find appropriate.

4. Do you think the combination of all of the above is obvious evidence that she is not to be trusted, and that something might be going on?

No, but you obviously have some issues in your marriage. Maybe something going on? Sure. Her actions aren't as much of an indicator as much as how you two relate to each other. What happened to the love? The romance? The laughter? What happened to being each others best friends? Why have you two turned away from each other? You seem very untrusting and insecure, but it's all based on suspicion.

[rex8499]

1. How would you feel about your wife going to a city she has never been to by herself because she is mad at you and wants to get away for a weekend?

It would make me sad that she wanted to go without me, but I wouldn't be worried about it. My wife is planning to go to Ireland without me in Sept with one of her girlfriends. Makes me sad, but I'm not worried about her cheating while she's there. Small problem amoungst our bigger ones right now.

2. How would you feel about finding that type of underwear?

Assuming she'd never had sexy ones before, maybe a little concerned. Not the case though.

3. How would you feel about her ex boyfriend calling her?

Just fine, as long as the content was kosher. I have several ex-girlfriends that are still decent friends. Nothing to worry about there unless they start trying to seduce. Alone time together should be avoided though.

4. Do you think the combination of all of the above is obvious evidence that she is not to be trusted, and that something might be going on?

Yes, something MIGHT be going on. But I wouldn't see it as proof. Investigate further. Check the phone records. Did they call eachother on the phone that weekend? Check the debit card/credit card record. Did she stay/pay at a hotel while she was there? If not, where did she sleep? At his house? Most people would not pay for a hotel room for a weekend if they were planning on sleeping with the boy. My dad got caught cheating doing that, no hotel bill when he went out of town and my mom thought he might be cheating, she checked the bill and found the lack of evidence to make him admit it.

Check the debit card records for a Victoria's Secret purchase, did she buy something for lunch and dinner every day? If she was with boy, he might have bought some of her meals. But if she was by herself, she probably bought them all, and they were bills that are in line with one person eating. Larger bills could be her and someone else. Collect more evidence.

[dclaw]

At this point think I will just end the marriage.

I would like to find a nice LDS woman who obeys my orders, doesn't have any friends, completely depends on me, rarely goes outside, does not offer her opinion unless asked, etc.

I think a wife obeying her husbands commandments is very important.

I'm the head of the household and what I say goes. There is no room for negotiation as I know whats best in every situation.

Also, she has gained about 10 pounds since we married, which is totally unacceptable!

Thanks for the insight though, I appreciate it!

[pam]

At this point think I will just end the marriage.

I would like to find a nice LDS woman who obeys my orders, doesn't have any friends, completely depends on me, rarely goes outside, does not offer her opinion unless asked, etc.

I think a wife obeying her husbands commandments is very important.

I'm the head of the household and what I say goes. There is no room for negotiation as I know whats best in every situation.

Also, she has gained about 10 pounds since we married, which is totally unacceptable!

Thanks for the insight though, I appreciate it!

I seriously hope you are being facetious in these comments.

[rex8499]

I seriously hope you are being facetious in these comments.

Wow....no kidding.

[Connie]

And the troll outs himself after only 10 posts. We must not be amusing enough for him.