Should I Respond?

[JudoMinja]

Last week, my ex tried to get in touch with me. For those of you who do not already know my story, we are recently divorced due to abuse. It was intense enough that the lives of myself and my son were in jeopardy if I had stayed and I had to flee the situation with pretty much just what I could carry. I have, for the most part, recovered from the trauma and I have genuinely forgiven him for his actions. My last contact with him was an email I sent to let him know that he should expect to never hear from or see me again, that I forgive him and hope he finds healing and happiness, but that such forgiveness did not change the fact that our paths had become irreconcilably different and I want absolutely nothing to do with him.

Our divorce paperwork awards me sole-custody of our now two-year-old son and I have stipulated that should he sometime in the future desire to see his son he must pass a pschological examination and have supervised visitation with a neutral party playing "middle-man" so that I do not have to go near him and he does not find out where I live. I have a protective order as well, which lasts two years unless something happens that would have the courts allow an extension. He is supposed to pay child support, but he has not paid anything. I do not expect to see anything and really do not want him to pay me anything.

He does not have my contact information but sent a message to my father's email addressed to me. My father read over it before telling me about it and asked if I wanted it. I asked if there was anything important in it that I needed to know or if he thought it was something I should read. He said it was entirely benign and could be ignored if I so chose. I decided to have him print out a copy of it for me, since I knew my father wouldn't tell me about it if he thought it was "bad".

In the message, my ex apologizes for what he put me through. He says he was in a bad place and dragged me down and that he is truly sorry. He does not use the apology to attempt to manipulate a response out of me or pull a "woe is me" story like he would have in the past. He claims to have re-found Christianity (he was LDS when we met, had been baptised five years previous, but turned to Wicca when I left) and that he is trying to make amends with those he has hurt. He claims to be starting his first "real job" in a long time and will be making up for all his unpaid child support- that he wants to take responsibility for his son.

I had made up my mind to just ignore the message. He does not ask for a response and one really isn't needed. I think he's just trying to put "closure" on his end of our relationship. However, I've been starting to feel uncertain about my decision to ignore it. I am wondering if my unwillingness to respond means I am truly lacking in forgiveness? If what he is saying in the email is true, I am happy for him, but I still want absolutely nothing to do with him. He still terrifies me to the point that simply writing this post is setting my heart racing. Am I being judgmental and letting my fear consume me by not responding, or is it okay to ignore it?

Legally speaking, if I respond my protection order is null-and-void. He has not done anything "wrong" on his part since the message was sent to my father and not me. I fear that he may someday become vengeful and try to hunt me down. He has raped someone for revenge before, and I fear he may do the same to me and kidnap our son. Does being afraid of this possibility mean I haven't truly forgiven him? Am I not Christ-like in this?

Edited May 3, 2011 by JudoMinja

[Just_A_Guy]

There is nothing unChristian about self-defense.

I wouldn't respond, if I were you.

[Jenamarie]

I think you're completely justified in ignoring it. His words so far are just that, words. From the sounds of it, he put you through he-double-hockey-sticks, and now it is up to HIM to move heaven and earth to prove to you that he's worthy of your aquaintanceship again.

I don't think you're being un-Christlike, just a bit leery, and with good reason. Even abusers can be nice sometimes, and forgiveness doesn't have to include putting yourself in the line of fire again just because the person apologizes and says that *this* time he won't actually shoot.

[beefche]

I would not respond. Forgiveness does not mean you allow others to have the opportunity to hurt you again. By responding, your protective order is invalid. He needed to say what he wanted to say and he has done so. Do not respond.

[Jennarator]

Sounds a lot like my situation. Only I do let my kids see my ex becasue they are older and though sbused in the past, they don't remember. I have sole custoty and all and also never get child support either. I do let my kids see him only when supervised.

I would suggest, since your son is younger, don't bother contacting your ex. Take the appology and move on. My ex always appoligises when he wants something, then goes right back to the abuse. I, too forgave and moved on. But just beacuse I forgave doesn't mean I need to put myself back into the same horrible situation. I don't know if that's what you ex wants, but that's what mine always wanted.

Good luck!

[Daybreak79]

Do not respond to him! He should not be looking for loop holes to contact you.

However, you could pray for your ex and ask Heavenly Father to help him find the "peace and closure" he needs if he is truely seeking those things.

Edited May 2, 2011 by Daybreak79

[estradling75]

No do not... Words are just that... Actions will speak louder then anything and you have seen no real actions yet.

If he starts paying child support (and if you don't want it, put it in to a saving [college/mission] account for your son) and then if he goes through the legal process to get the visitations allowed, to see your son. Then let him do so for a length of time, before you even start considering about considering it.

[slamjet]

If he's working the steps, one of them is to reach out and apologize to those he has harmed, if it's possible and would do no further harm. He did his bit, let him be. You're not responsible for him, nor are you a part of his recovery. That is all on him.

And no, don't ever think that not responding is showing a lack of forgiveness. It's showing a greater amount of wisdom. A hugely large component of forgiveness is your own personal and inward forgiving, not holding malice, learning wisdom and letting go. If it won't do you harm, sure, go and say that he is forgiven. But if wisdom say's that no contact is the best course of action, then just leave it at that. You have your own little family's welfare to worry about. Don't worry about his.

[Backroads]

You are under no obligation to respond. From what you've told me here, there is just too much risk in responding. Your ex may truly feel bad about his actions, but that really isn't your problem.

[classylady]

JudoMinja, I have to agree with everyone else. Don't respond. Especially, because of the protection order, I wouldn't respond. If he wants to make child support payments, let him, but again make sure it's through the system that was originally set up, not by him contacting you for him to pay it.

I believe you when you say you have forgiven him. You are still being Christ-like in not responding. You are protecting yourself, not only physically, but emotionally, by not responding. You don't need the emotional stress this would bring in your life. Forget it, and go on with your life. From what I read on your posts, you're doing a wonderful job with your son, and I admire you greatly!

Edited May 2, 2011 by classylady

[NeuroTypical]

My father read over it before telling me about it and asked if I wanted it. I asked if there was anything important in it that I needed to know or if he thought it was something I should read.

This is a great process, by the way. As I'm sure you already know, having a trusted someone act as gatekeeper, someone who is a bit further from the emotions, is a great help. Give your dad a big hug.

He does not use the apology to attempt to manipulate a response out of me or pull a "woe is me" story like he would have in the past. He claims to have re-found Christianity [...] and that he is trying to make amends with those he has hurt. He claims to be starting his first "real job" in a long time and will be making up for all his unpaid child support- that he wants to take responsibility for his son.

Good for him. Hopefully he'll turn his life around, and start sending you checks. Maybe offer a prayer or two on his behalf, that he's on the right path.

I am wondering if my unwillingness to respond means I am truly lacking in forgiveness?

Nope. Nice thought, but nope. And we both know what manipulative abusers do with nice thoughts. So don't let it trouble you.

If what he is saying in the email is true, I am happy for him, but I still want absolutely nothing to do with him. He still terrifies me to the point that simply writing this post is setting my heart racing. Am I being judgmental and letting my fear consume me by not responding, or is it okay to ignore it?

Your stewardship is over your son. He needs to have a mom who spends as little time as possible with a racing heart, battling physical symptoms of stress and anxiety. Raise him away from all that.

If it still hurts, that's ok. It'll hurt less next year. Be your son's mom, and act accordingly.

I can't make it any easier on you, all I can do is reaffirm the things you're already probably telling yourself.

God bless.

LM

[Suzie]

JudoMinja, first of all I cannot express with words the happiness (for lack of a better word) I feel to know you was able to leave such abusive and toxic environment. I'm also happy for your son. Often times, victims of abuse don't leave and sometimes it's too late. I'm glad your case was different however, please, please, please don't fall victim of a possible trap your ex-may be trying to set. It is quite possible he changed yes but it is also quite possible that he is just trying to see if you would reply. Please do not! You have accomplished so many things and you and your son are now safe, don't reply, ignore it!!

[Bini]

Everyone is right on target. DO NOT RESPOND.

[Backroads]

..Can anyone think of any good reasons TO respond?

[JudoMinja]

Thank you, everyone. I think I was just needing a little support in my moment of doubt. You are all reaffirming my solid thoughts that responding just is not a good idea. I really don't know why I was second guessing myself other than the possibility I'm still emotionally sensitive to it all.

[slamjet]

Thank you, everyone. I think I was just needing a little support in my moment of doubt. You are all reaffirming my solid thoughts that responding just is not a good idea. I really don't know why I was second guessing myself other than the possibility I'm still emotionally sensitive to it all.

OH! OH! OH! I know why you doubted! Congratulations, you're human. But one filled with common sense. And how can you not still be emotional about it? Regardless of all the garbage, he is still you're son's father. Maybe in 20 years or so, he'll be fixed enough. But for now, well, you know. Just keep your little family safe.

[estradling75]

Hehe... I am glad we helped if only a little... I think it more of a miracle that we had a 100% agreement in the posts. (so far) I mean this is a discussion forum on the internet that should be impossible...:)

[JudoMinja]

Hehe... I am glad we helped if only a little... I think it more of a miracle that we had a 100% agreement in the posts. (so far) I mean this is a discussion forum on the internet that should be impossible...:)

Lol. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I was starting to wonder if the wording of my OP was too one-sided, but people here typically point out if someone sounds too biased.

[Suzie]

Lol. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I was starting to wonder if the wording of my OP was too one-sided, but people here typically point out if someone sounds too biased.

Judo, your ex raped a woman out of revenge. I think that besides your own story of abuse, that piece of information alone was enough.

[O2BNSD]

Last week, my ex tried to get in touch with me. For those of you who do not already know my story, we are recently divorced due to abuse. It was intense enough that the lives of myself and my son were in jeopardy if I had stayed and I had to flee the situation with pretty much just what I could carry. I have, for the most part, recovered from the trauma and I have genuinely forgiven him for his actions. My last contact with him was an email let him know that he should expect to never hear from or see me again, that I forgive him and hope he finds healing and happiness, but that such forgiveness did not change the fact that our paths had become irreconcilably different and I want absolutely nothing to do with him.

Our divorce paperwork awards me sole-custody of our now two-year-old son and I have stipulated that should he sometime in the future desire to see his son he must pass a pschological examination and have supervised visitation with a neutral party playing "middle-man" so that I do not have to go near him and he does not find out where I live. I have a protective order as well, which lasts two years unless something happens that would have the courts allow an extension. He is supposed to pay child support, but he has not paid anything. I do not expect to see anything and really do not want him to pay me anything.

He does not have my contact information but sent a message to my father's email addressed to me. My father read over it before telling me about it and asked if I wanted it. I asked if there was anything important in it that I needed to know or if he thought it was something I should read. He said it was entirely benign and could be ignored if I so chose. I decided to have him print out a copy of it for me, since I knew my father wouldn't tell me about it if he thought it was "bad".

In the message, my ex apologizes for what he put me through. He says he was in a bad place and dragged me down and that he is truly sorry. He does not use the apology to attempt to manipulate a response out of me or pull a "woe is me" story like he would have in the past. He claims to have re-found Christianity (he was LDS when we met, had been baptised five years previous, but turned to Wicca when I left) and that he is trying to make amends with those he has hurt. He claims to be starting his first "real job" in a long time and will be making up for all his unpaid child support- that he wants to take responsibility for his son.

I had made up my mind to just ignore the message. He does not ask for a response and one really isn't needed. I think he's just trying to put "closure" on his end of our relationship. However, I've been starting to feel uncertain about my decision to ignore it. I am wondering if my unwillingness to respond means I am truly lacking in forgiveness? If what he is saying in the email is true, I am happy for him, but I still want absolutely nothing to do with him. He still terrifies me to the point that simply writing this post is setting my heart racing. Am I being judgmental and letting my fear consume me by not responding, or is it okay to ignore it?

Legally speaking, if I respond my protection order is null-and-void. He has not done anything "wrong" on his part since the message was sent to my father and not me. I fear that he may someday become vengeful and try to hunt me down. He has raped someone for revenge before, and I fear he may do the same to me and kidnap our son. Does being afraid of this possibility mean I haven't truly forgiven him? Am I not Christ-like in this?

I feel very strongly that you should not respond...you may end up opening up a major can of worms if you do so. You have made great strides & accomplishments at this time, keep to it and don't jeopordise it. Stay the course and you will be sailing without obsticles. Keep up the good work that you have been doing so far. I wish you the best of luck!

[Guest mormonmusic]

I say steer clear of it with a 20 foot pole (squared). YOu don't want to violate your protection order and make that null and void. Then it's open season.

[Saldrin]

I fear that he may someday become vengeful and try to hunt me down. He has raped someone for revenge before, and I fear he may do the same to me and kidnap our son. Does being afraid of this possibility mean I haven't truly forgiven him? Am I not Christ-like in this?

All the more reason to not have contact. Don't respond.

[JudoMinja]

Judo, your ex raped a woman out of revenge. I think that besides your own story of abuse, that piece of information alone was enough.

That's just it right there, though. Even bringing that up was making me feel unforgiving and judgemental, as there is far more to the story than that. Now I'm not trying to make excuses for him or downplay his actions. However, this happened when he was only thirteen- I won't go into all the details of his life, but he was raised in pretty terrible conditions. Some other kid his age from school raped and killed his younger sister. He raped that kids sister to get revenge, felt horrible afterwards and turned himself in. He went to juvie and did his time, but that stuck on his record as an adult and he became a registered sex offender. When he told me about it, it was in tears because his girlfriend before me left him when he told her about it.

Of course I recognize now that this was just a method of manipulation, but at the time I felt that using this against him was wrong. He had been baptised into the church only five years before we met and this was all long behind him- sins that would be considered "forgotten" in the eyes of the Lord since he'd been baptised and was trying to turn his life around. The fact that I am even afraid he might do the same to me makes me feel judgmental and unforgiving because I am using that past against him.

I think that must be why I was doubting myself. A part of my "emotional brain" is still stuck in the manipulated belief that using the past to make a decision about him means I'm judging him. The thing is, I just don't believe him. I believe he has refound Christianity and that he is sorry, but I don't believe he is committed. I think that as soon as things get hard, he is going to fall right back into his old habits- that he will continue to be angry with the world and lash out at those around him. I really believe there is still vengence in his heart and he is capable of doing something like raping me. I don't believe he has changed. If I don't believe he has changed, how can I claim to believe that the gospel changes people? How can I claim to be forgiving?

That is really what is troubling me. Now don't worry everybody- I'm definitely not responding to the email he sent me. I've got my head on my shoulders about that and I'm not taking any unnecessary chances. I'm keeping my son safe, and I know my ex's path is not my concern. I'm just trying to get to the root of why I'm feeling this way.

[estradling75]

I think in many ways fulfilling the command to forgive is harder then fulfilling the command to repent. After all you don't have the guilt of your wrong doing to help motivate you. The fact that you are having doubts on if you have fully forgiven is normal. Continue to work on it, but don't beat yourself up over it. I would also advise you not to take stupid risks to prove that you have forgiven him, but it sound like you got that.

As for not believing him, just remember we are also told by their fruits you shall know then and sinner must both Confess and Forsake the sins. Given how bitter his fruit was, it is entirely reasonable for you to expect to see serious Forsaking on his part before believing that he is truly repenting. Which is totally different then forgiving the actions. (although that line can appear blurry at times)

[slamjet]

Now don't worry everybody- I'm definitely not responding to the email he sent me. I've got my head on my shoulders about that and I'm not taking any unnecessary chances. I'm keeping my son safe, and I know my ex's path is not my concern. I'm just trying to get to the root of why I'm feeling this way.

You can put that in huge bold print, and we'll still be giving you advice