tumbledquartz Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 I actually did kick him out at one point - it felt like what the spirit wanted me to do at the time. But over the time we were separated, I felt like he softened and I felt like I should give him another chance, so I let him move back in when he asked to. Really, he just didn't want to have to financially support two households and he was still hoping I'd get skinny. I think this was during the time I was working out and maybe he had hope that it would work. But he didn't say any of that to me at the time. I honestly get the feeling lately that he is trying to get me to kick him out for good and divorce him so he won't have to feel the guilt of breaking up the family. He says all the time, "maybe you should just leave me" or "you'd be happier if I was gone" and things like that. But unless and until I get the prompting, I'm not going to do that. It's not like I haven't told God that I'm done and I really don't want to do this - I have. He just hasn't agreed yet. I felt when I was prompted to send him packing that maybe it was because then he would appreciate what he has with us and realize he missed us, but I don't know if it worked or not because he's always talking about the "good old days" when he lived in his own, clean place and always had clean laundry and no kids ever screamed and fought or spilled food on his couch. I don't know; maybe he really did miss us and that's why he came back and he just doesn't want to admit it. But he sure doesn't make it sound that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldswithgreeneyes Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Here is my opinion. I was married for eight years and my ex husband was awful to be about my weight. Absolutely awful. I have a curvy body (read big boobs which most men tend to enjoy) and am tall so I carry my weight well..but I could lose about 20-30 lbs. Sort of in the middle. Overweight but not 500 lbs either. The way ex carried on I was the heaviest woman in the world. Men like this never change. I guarantee...you can lose the weight but then there will be something else..there always is. My honest advice? Let him go. I believe you deserve more and I believe that Heavenly Father wants more for you. Let him go and let him do "better" (at least in his eyes). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Netgood Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Can a woman be happily married to an unemployed man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Can a woman be happily married to an unemployed man.I think the same concept applies. If you are actively trying to improve yourself but for whatever out-of-your-control reason you cannot make a certain change, of course, one's spouse should be supportive and compassionate. Like the old saying goes: there's always room for improvement. I believe this is the Lord's philosophy, too. Saying that, expecting perfection is a totally different thing, and no one is perfect. So to answer this question, YES, a woman can be happily married to an unemployed man, given that he has done whatever he needs to in his power, to seek for job opportunity. If the husband hasn't done this, and sits on his arse all day playing video games, then he's not fulfilling his duties as a husband and father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 Can a woman be happily married to an unemployed man.The implication here being that a woman's happiness is dependent on her husband's employment status. That other factors are irrelevant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 The implication here being that a woman's happiness is dependent on her husband's employment status. That other factors are irrelevant?I think it was an attempt to draw an equivalence between fat women and jobless men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_T_R Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 My husband and I have been married for 15 years, mostly not-so-happily, but we've been working on it. One big thorn in our marriage is the fact that in our first year of marriage, I gained weight, and he says he never wanted a fat wife. I've never been enormous by any means, but I weigh about 50 pounds more now than I did when we met. Never mind the fact that he gained just as much weight as I did - men are visual and women aren't; therefore, it doesn't matter if he gains weight, but it matters if I do.I've tried to lose weight and sometimes been successful and sometimes not, but right now, I weigh more than I ever have other than when I was pregnant. He has told me that if he knew I would never get a hot body, he would leave the marriage right now. He's only staying in hopes that I get with the program and get skinny. I proposed that he work on whatever issues he has that make him so unhappy with someone who isn't a supermodel, and he thought that was the absolute most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of because there's no way a man can be attracted to a fat woman.Things have really deteriorated this last year and then the last few weeks have been terrible because I just found out a whole bunch of crap that I had no idea was going on. He's been drinking, smoking pot, looking at porn, and, the ultimate kicker that I just found out two days ago, is that he cheated on me. He swears it was only one time and they didn't "go all the way," so I guess there is at least that. Small consolation, since he admitted they did have oral sex. But he is adamant that he isn't going to do that again and that he's going to quit the alcohol and porn. He's even talking about coming back to church, something he hasn't done in several years.Part of me just can't get over kicking myself because I knew before I married him that he had been through rehab and had had problems with alcoholism, drugs, and had been sleeping around before I met him. But he had repented and was very spiritual and I was just super naive, I guess. There were red flags that I didn't see because I was just so desperate for someone to love me and I had a bird in the hand - someone who gave me tons of love and wanted to take me to the temple.He's been going through this whole mid-life-crisis over the last few years as he approached age 40. He's now losing weight and taking great pains to look good, including using lots of anti-wrinkle cream and is even talking about hair replacement therapy. He says the window of opportunity he has right now to get a hot wife is closing and if I'm not going to be the wife he wants, he's getting ready to go get her.Honestly, huge parts of me are wanting to kick him to the curb right this second and say good riddance. But then parts of me wonder if he's right. Will I have any chance of finding a decent guy if he leaves me and I'm still fat? Can a man REALLY love a fat woman? Or is that too much to ask for?I really need to hear from men specifically if you're reading this - HONEST answers. Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less? Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that. If I could lose 50 pounds and our marriage and family life would be 100 times better, maybe that's what I should be putting all my energy into. Especially considering the fact that if we divorce, I might never remarry and/or end up marrying someone who isn't any better and I will have destroyed my family for nothing.... seriously? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tumbledquartz Posted August 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 My personal belief is that true happiness doesn't come from outside factors - but they can make it harder. If my husband was a lazy bum and didn't try to look for work, that would make it harder. But no one has the perfect marriage and it's a matter of finding happiness in whatever your situation is. My situation makes happiness hard, but the more I pray and have faith, the more peace I feel from the spirit. The Lord can make it so we can't feel the burdens on our backs, but it's not a one time thing - you have to keep praying for it daily, hourly, and having faith. If Victor Frankyl can go through life in a concentration camp and still say things like the quote below, I think a woman can find happiness with an unemployed husband.“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tumbledquartz Posted August 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 ... seriously?I wish I knew which part of my message you're saying this about. Like, are you asking if I'm seriously so dumb that I don't know how important it will be to any man that I be skinny? Or are you asking if I'm seriously thinking that I should stay with this jerk? Just curious, because your reply could be taken many ways and I'm wondering which way you mean it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabboni Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 You should probably enroll in an exercise program and see your doctor about a weight loss plan. It will help your health and make you feel better about yourself. Plus, it's kind of part of the Word of Wisdom anyway. I'll be blunt. If you're significantly overweight and getting on in years, your chance of remarriage with any guy who isn't a complete loser are vanishingly slim. Even thin older women must face the fact that their looks have faded and their value in the marriage marketplace has declined significantly relative to men their same age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tumbledquartz Posted September 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 Believe me, I know how appealing my personals ad would look. "Divorced, overweight 30-something woman with mental health issues and a handful of kids looking for tru luv." They'll be beating down my door for sure... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenamarie Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 Believe me, I know how appealing my personals ad would look. "Divorced, overweight 30-something woman with mental health issues and a handful of kids looking for tru luv." They'll be beating down my door for sure...An overweight, 30-something woman in my ward who has *9* kids (widowed) recently got engaged to a wonderful man, so don't count yourself out. The only men who will find you worthless are worthless men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 tumbledquartz I've told you before, but I'll say it again: to me you are amazing and strong. Any man with half a brain would be lucky to have you. Start loving yourself for the important things, and the weight loss will come along on its own. This man has poisoned you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 You should probably enroll in an exercise program and see your doctor about a weight loss plan. It will help your health and make you feel better about yourself. Plus, it's kind of part of the Word of Wisdom anyway.I'll be blunt. If you're significantly overweight and getting on in years, your chance of remarriage with any guy who isn't a complete loser are vanishingly slim. Even thin older women must face the fact that their looks have faded and their value in the marriage marketplace has declined significantly relative to men their same age. I'm going to be eloquent here.That is a load of poo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 You should probably enroll in an exercise program and see your doctor about a weight loss plan. It will help your health and make you feel better about yourself. Plus, it's kind of part of the Word of Wisdom anyway.I'll be blunt. If you're significantly overweight and getting on in years, your chance of remarriage with any guy who isn't a complete loser are vanishingly slim. Even thin older women must face the fact that their looks have faded and their value in the marriage marketplace has declined significantly relative to men their same age.Don't listen to this.Any man who thinks a woman's "value in the marriage marketplace" (what a pathetic way to view marriage!) is not the type of man being worth married to, so don't even concern yourself about such men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 I'm going to be eloquent here.That is a load of poo.You posted while I was typing. You said it much better!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 You should probably enroll in an exercise program and see your doctor about a weight loss plan. It will help your health and make you feel better about yourself. Plus, it's kind of part of the Word of Wisdom anyway.I'll be blunt. If you're significantly overweight and getting on in years, your chance of remarriage with any guy who isn't a complete loser are vanishingly slim. Even thin older women must face the fact that their looks have faded and their value in the marriage marketplace has declined significantly relative to men their same age.I swear, there should be a 50 post minimum before one is allowed to give advice in the marriage forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 Every woman in a bad marriage fears that no man will want her. It's horrible to feed that fear. Even my skinny, gorgeous, in her early 20's friend thought no one would want her because she had a baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 Every woman in a bad marriage fears that no man will want her. It's horrible to feed that fear. Even my skinny, gorgeous, in her early 20's friend thought no one would want her because she had a baby.I agree. People of all sizes and ages get married every day. Even if it was true that no one would want a strong, devoted woman to share his life with just because she carried some extra weight (which I doubt), I say it's better to be alone and in peace than suffering in a marriage full of abuse, anguish, and hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabboni Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 An overweight, 30-something woman in my ward who has *9* kids (widowed) recently got engaged to a wonderful man, so don't count yourself out. The only men who will find you worthless are worthless men.Outlying data points and singular anecdotes aside, my point stands.You have good reason to try to save your current marriage. The grass is NOT greener. And I'm glad you know that. Too many people on these forums will try to convince you to "ditch the zero and find a hero." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabboni Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 I swear, there should be a 50 post minimum before one is allowed to give advice in the marriage forum.Yes, because advising someone to follow the Lord's Law of Health is bad advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 Yes, because advising someone to follow the Lord's Law of Health is bad advice.No, because of your unfounded contention that your fat = you'll end up with a looser. On this forum , when folks post statistical answers, we expect it to be backed up with sources. Thus far on all your posts, you've given answers that are stereotypical and shallow in nature. Here, we like to go a bit deeper. Advice is more than saying "well, the majority of people polled say..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tumbledquartz Posted September 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 Yes, because advising someone to follow the Lord's Law of Health is bad advice.The Lord's Law of Health is: "keep your body healthy so that you can run and not be weary," not "get skinny so you'll be appealing to people who aren't losers." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted September 15, 2012 Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 The Lord's Law of Health is: "keep your body healthy so that you can run and not be weary," not "get skinny so you'll be appealing to people who aren't losers."You misspelled "loosers". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tumbledquartz Posted September 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) You misspelled "loosers".No, you misspelled "you." You should have spelled it "I." ;-) Edited September 15, 2012 by tumbledquartz Clarifying smilie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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