Help my wife is a mess!

[Rapidmc]

I don't want to sound mean but my wife is a slob and I can't take it anymore. I try to be a leader and take initiative on the household chores but it doesn't last. She was out of town the last time I had vacation I stayed home and cleaned the house top to bottom and panited the downstairs. Within a week it was all messed up again. She leaves messes and doesn't clean up after herself. Over time it builds up and I can't keep up. It is at the point that I don't want people to come over because I am embaresed. I try to talk to here but she either gets defensive or she pretends to listen but doesn't change. Any suggestions?

[Vort]

My advice is political: Try to figure out how to recruit her as an ally rather than target her as an antagonist. And good luck with that. When you have figured out how to do it, please let the rest of us in on the secret, because some of us are still trying to understand it.

[C_T_R]

See a therapist.

Perhaps there are issues she has with you?

" I try to talk to here but she either gets defensive or she pretends to listen but doesn't change." -- this reminds me of someone I know to a T!

Moments like this remind me how glad I am to be single and financially independent so I can clean when I want to, and be a "slob" when I don't want to.

Best of luck, tho.

[pam]

C_T_R I'm not sure why you laughed at his post. He came here for advice.

[Misshalfway]

I've got some questions.

How long have you been married?

Is this a new problem that has developed over the recent past, or are these habits you've seen from the get go?

How do the two of you divide up labor at your house? Are you traditional? Like does she do the housework and cleaning while you bring home the bacon and mow the lawn? And do you two agree on these roles?

Is she struggling with mood? Has she experienced a loss of some kind? Is she struggling with feeling stressed or overwhelmed?

Thanks.

[applepansy]

My mother in law gave me a sign with sleepy eyes that said "Now repeat after me... I like housework. I like housework. I like housework." I was offended and the sign went in the garbage.

When I was younger and not old tired and sick my house was clean but cluttered.

Are you talking about dirt and mold or clutter?

My response to my MIL's sign was the following poem:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow

For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.

So settle down cobwebs and dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

[Misshalfway]

You are so cool, Apple. :)

[skippy740]

It depends on the situation. Some people's houses can look like an episode of "hoarders" with all the junk around.

When I was living with my MIL, there was a time when I took an entire day to clean the kitchen from top to bottom. Cleaning out cupboards, tossing out old stuff (and there was a LOT - I even found a dead mouse).

At the end of the day, it was looking GREAT! It was a kitchen you could be proud to cook and almost relax in.

End of the week, it was right back where it was.

Right now, I'm separated from my wife and kids. They live with my MIL. And there have been times when I've wanted to call CPS for all the clutter that they let build up in that house.

Back on topic: There are only 3 requirements for building exceptional habits. If there is a lack, it's a failure in one of these 3 areas:

- Attitude

- Behavior

- Technique

Attitude means that she doesn't WANT to do it and no amount of pestering is going to change her mind.

Behavior is in how she spends her time with the routine things. Does she put things back when she's done with them? Does she "clean as she goes"? Does she put trash on the floor or in a trash can? Behavior modification can be as simple as buying more trash cans and emptying them on a more regular basis.

Technique is simply in knowing how to do the given task - confidently and with intended results. If there's a lack here, it simply takes instruction.

It'll be your job to determine which of the 3 that you are both having trouble with. (And if it's attitude, you MAY want to see a counselor - because she may be trying to sabotage your efforts for a clean home for some reason.)

[Misshalfway]

Behavior

Attitude

Technique.

Nice. I'll write that down.

[skippy740]

Be sure to write it down in order:

Attitude begets Behavior begets Technique.

If there's a problem, start first with attitude. If the attitude is okay, then check your behaviors and then your techniques. Attitude is USUALLY the root of the problem as behaviors and techniques will usually solve themselves over time.

[Misshalfway]

Noted!

Do I tip you now?

[Guest]

Cleanliness is a habit. It is very much a product of how we grew up. My husband and I can look at the same exact mess - he'll honestly say it's clean, I'll honestly say it's disgusting. We both are wrong - it's not clean, but it's not disgusting either.

I grew up in a house where our silverware has our names etched on it so that if it gets lost/misplaced my mother would know which kid to spank. My husband grew up in a house where if you can find a matching spoon and fork, antarctica will melt. In my mother's house the bathroom gets doused with muriatic acid once a week. In my mother-in-law's house, you'll find the 7-11 bathroom cleaner.

So that, in the early years of my marriage, my husband can look at a kitchen full of dirty dishes and think, oh it's clean - the dishes are all in the sink. Whereas, I would almost throw-up at the crusty food stuck to the plates that I would want to just throw the lot in the garbage.

Anyway, the thing of it is - my husband doesn't know how to clean. He's never had to do it so he didn't develop the habit and never learned how to clean. I know how to clean and I have clean habits. But I don't want to clean. I grew up with maids! So, we had some conflict resolution to do. It took us a while but it required both of us to change - I had to learn to relax my cleanliness bar, he had to learn to raise the cleanliness bar and we met in the middle. I taught my husband clean habits - I started with organizing everything: Everything has a place and everything is in its place is the motto. Then my husband had to learn to put everything where they belong. If he buys something, we get to find a place for it. The rest is just rules - we can't go to bed unless the kitchen is clean - that is, dishes washed and counters wiped - that kind of thing. Then we have assignments - if I cook, he cleans and vice versa. The inside of the house is mine except for the upstairs, the garage, and the patio - that's all his. The outside is all his. But then, I really hate to clean, so I work so I can hire a cleaning lady. I told my husband we can hire a yard guy with my work money and he says no. He actually likes doing it himself.

Anyway, we started with fighting over what's clean and what's not clean - but eventually, we learned how each other developed our behaviors and we were able to talk about it like 2 generals on a negotiation table. Now, my house is the messiest house of all my siblings but it's the cleanest house of all my husband's siblings. We're happy with it.

Edited August 20, 2012 by anatess

[Guest]

It's interesting that you say "My wife IS a mess" instead of "My wife is messy". Do you think the way you see her and speak of her is motivational or discouraging for her?

[Backroads]

I"m not a gross person. But I'm a cluttered person. Total cleanliness and organization is something my mind just can't process. I'm still working on keeping a neat house. I like to tell myself that if I'm ever a stay-at-home mom I will get better.

[ldswithgreeneyes]

Follow some of the advice here or hire a housekeeper.

[peachie]

I am unable to say what can be done. That may be a very real disorder, some people call it "hording". the only reason I say this is because I know some one who has a similar problem that you are in. They get every thing cleaned out, and then it is back to the same state as it was before. All I can say is pray about it and try and talk to her. If she wont listen then.. that last step is yours to make your choice.

[classylady]

It's always nice when at least one spouse likes to clean. Neither my husband or I like housework. That can be a disaster! I clean because I can't stand the mess, but I really, really, really, dislike doing housework--except for dishes. I like doing dishes for some reason. I know. Weird!

I have no idea on how to get a spouse to start picking up after themselves. That would alleviate a good portion of the mess made in our home. After 31 years of marriage, I don't know if it's ever going to change. To give my husband credit, he is trying, but the habit has not been ingrained yet. I still have hope!

[annewandering]

My much older cousin married this happy go lucky woman. She was always overdoing everything. If she went to pick asparagus she picked ten bags full. If she popped popcorn she popped a dozen bags.

she had two children. Her oldest, about my age, cleaned and cooked from babyhood because her mom didnt. Their house was awful. I 'babysat' for them when I was a teenager. Stayed there weeks at a time when she worked harvest jobs.

she had such a good heart but she did not see the dirt, garbage, rotten food and she didnt smell it.

Long after I grew up and left the area she had a brain tumor. It was successfully removed. All was good. We moved back to the area. It was going to be an early frost so she called and asked if we wanted tomatoes. Of course we did! So we went over to pick them before night and frost. She invited us in.

Oh My Gosh! The house was spotless! Absolutely spotless. I was speechless! The only thing I can think is that she had had the brain tumor for a long long time not growing. When they took it out she went to normal. It was like night and day. She was still a warm happy person. Just not quite as over doing. and a Whole lot better housekeeper.

So what is my point? Compulsive messiness has a reason. Could be physical or it could be mental. Take the time to figure it out and then, compassionately, find a solution.

[Ktbee]

One thing I know for sure.........our spirits cannot rest when surrounded in chaos. Look at the temple.....there is a reason The House of The Lord is kept uncluttered, simple and clean. One more thought....if money is the lesser of the two issues, ask her if it would be helpful for her if you paid for a housekeeper once a week. But make the service conditional upon the family keeping the house picked up during the week. You know..maintain the home......do fewer chores. Just throwing out ideas. Oh, and praise, praise, praise 10:1 for every corrective comment you make.

Praise praise praise

Own the issue you have with the behavior

Ask for what you need

Express why you need it

Express positive rewards for the new behavior

Express negative consequences for continued behavior

Listen to response and thank, thank, thank.

Follow through

[MorningStar]

Make her watch that episode of Hoarders with the rotten pumpkin lady. It will freak her out so bad, she'll go on a cleaning spree. When that wears off, make her watch the one with the poo all over the house. Repeat as necessary. The one with the bed bugs is good too.

[Ktbee]

One more thought...when it comes to taking on the unplesant tasks (such as cleaning).....I always tell my kids to "do it until you love it.".

[applepansy]

You are so cool, Apple. :)

This link it to ebay where I found a picture of the Sunset Stitcher kit I made:

Vintage 1977 Sunset Crewel Embroidery Kit #2654 BABIES DON'T KEEP by Lynn Davis | eBay

They had the other poem I did about the same time:

Baby is fretty, I can't find

my shoe. Ironing piled hihg

there are dishes to do.

I stand in the middle

about to cry

When . . . . We sit on the floor

and play Rock-a-Bye!

:)

I wish I still had both pieces I stitched. I'd hang them on my wall again.

[ClickyClack]

You may want to look at the symptoms of adult ADD, and see if they describe your wife. Not in the sense of "Yeah, everyone has a little of those symptoms", but in the sense of "Wow, that is her exactly, and glaringly so."

[Bini]

Certain disorders and chemical imbalances don't always manifest right away. So if she is diagnosed with something, depending on how long you've been together, you might have never seen any symptoms before hand. For example, bipolar disorder can go years without any signs or flare ups, and then BAM - things go sour and fast. Bipolar is more than just polar mood swings, it can encompass many other psychological aspects, such as OCD and Schizophrenia. In short, these are all things that can vastly hamper everyday functions and social interactions.

Just some general thoughts. Not everyone is a cleaner. I can understand this. That said, I personally find clutter just as bad as things being dirty. But I've always had a nervous tick when it comes to things being unorganised and uncleaned. I get anxious when my surroundings are not as I like them. Don't be mistaken, however, I don't LOVE cleaning but I feel an IMPULSE to have things "just right". Since I've had my daughter, I have learned that I can't have things as perfect as I like them :] But my husband and I also keep our belongings to a minimal. We don't have a lot of furniture about, or knickknacks that are scattered or displayed everywhere. My advice: keep your home simple. If neither of you like OR want to clean, just keep things simplified and do everyone a humongous favour. My nervous tick when it comes to things being orderly and clean, actually was the death of me when I worked in nursing because I always found myself working OVERTIME to deep clean stuff and rearrange junk. I always got in trouble for this but I know my boss appreciated it because NO ONE else wanted or ever did it. Hah.

[Guest]

One more thought...when it comes to taking on the unplesant tasks (such as cleaning).....I always tell my kids to "do it until you love it.".

I have a lot of friends tell me this too! It has its merits.

I'm teaching my kids differently, though (well, because I hate to clean and I still do) - I tell them how important it is to do really well in school and find a stable job because - goodness gracious, you might get stuck doing the unpleasant tasks (such as cleaning) for a living! :) Yeah, I don't want them to love it if they don't like doing it - I like using it as an incentive of "This is what you have to do until you can hire somebody to do it for you."

Yeah, I'm weird.