How open or private is your marriage?

[Bini]

I guess without getting into too much detail, how open or private is your marriage when it comes to personal belongings? Do you welcome your spouse to access your email or other personal things? Or do you expect your spouse to ask for permission before accessing your email or other personal things? For the record, whether you're the first or the latter, I don't think that specifically equates to anything. Everyone's marriage works a little bit differently, and if you're both happy, I guess that's all that matters.

I mentioned in another thread that my husband and I have a transparent marriage. What is mine is his, and what is his is mine. He is welcome to access any of my personal accounts, and I'm welcomed to access his. In fact, our phones are networked via iCloud, so any texts I send/receive or pictures I take are automatically synced to his phone as well. I was telling a friend how it's actually really convenient because both of us can keep track of inquirers from KSL (it's a site similar to Craigslist) and either of us can respond to it if the other is too busy. She basically said she didn't like the idea of her husband receiving all her texts/pictures, not because she's a dodgy wife - she isn't, but that just isn't what she is comfortable with.

[Irishcolleen]

We are pretty open with most things, finances, social media, etc... I had to draw the line at toolboxes. My DH will frequently have his tools in the attic where he is working on projects. I don't like going up to the attic as the drop down steps are right over the staircase and it's a long way down. Anyway, I would need tools when he wasn't home. So I just got my own tool box and tools. I don't like him messing with my tools. His tools are in the attic and sometimes he'll just go get MY needle noses. Argh!!!!! He doesn't understand that I like to keep my tool box for myself. I don't know why. I just feel that way.

My daughter bought her first tool chest- an upright craftsman- last summer. She is already moving up to a bigger one. We like tools in our house.

Edited January 9, 2014 by Irishcolleen

[pam]

I think because the last few years my kids have treated my purse and everything else I own as community property, I have a problem with people going through my things. That's just me. Not that I have anything to hide but I like to feel that some things are just for me.

[Guest]

We're completely open. Completely. We even have the same password on everything.

We spent 2 weeks travelling and I lost my toothbrush on day 3 and my husband would give me his toothbrush to use then I'd give it a quick rinse and hand it to him and he would go use it... and sometimes my kid would hand me his toothbrush... Yes, I shoulda just bought another toothbrush... we went to the store a couple of times and I get to the car and realized - dangit, I forgot the toothbrush! We were on twilight zone with snowless New York and the missing toothbrush.

And yes, I do like wearing his shirts for pajamas... because it is ginormous! But he can't fit in anything of mine, so... :)

But, the thing is, my husband don't care to go through my emails and stuff and I don't really have the time nor energy to go through his unless there's reason to do so.

[pam]

That's one thing I won't do is to share another toothbrush. I'll use my finger first until I can get to a store before I'll use a toothbrush someone else has used.

[Guest]

That's one thing I won't do is to share another toothbrush. I'll use my finger first until I can get to a store before I'll use a toothbrush someone else has used.

I used to think this... I grew up where everything has my name etched on it - including my spoon and fork... and then I married Mr. Anatess. He tells me - you can kiss me for extended periods of time but you won't use my toothbrush? So yeah... it's definitely a "rubbed off on me" thing.

[Dravin]

Personal belongings are generally share and share alike with the possible exception of something cherished in which the use would be destructive. So I'm not going to just cut up the blanket she received from a deceased family member for use as shop towels. Also, if we have something set-up in a particular way because we are the one who uses it most of the time we respect that.

Concerning accounts and the like we are transparent, we either know each other's passwords for things or don't think twice about asking for them. While there is access there isn't a lot of interest. Neither of us are in the habit of checking the other's email account for giggles. If I'm logging into email as her it is because she doesn't have internet access and needs some information on an email she knows she received. There are also some boundaries, I wouldn't send emails out from her account (unless she requested it of me) for example.

[Vort]

Sister Vort and I are much like you and Brother Bini in this respect.

[EarlJibbs]

We are open books to eachother. My phone, my tablet, the computer, her phone and tablet are all available to either of us. The only way I get bothered by her using my tablet is when the battery is dead and I cant read my books on it. The only reason we even question why he/she might have the others phone is due to us messing around with their camera and changing the back ground for fun. But that's it.

If I use something that she personally likes and don't treat it right, that is when there are issues. I do everything in my power not to be in that boat however :)

[Guest]

What's mine is mine and what's his is ours. (Name that movie.)

Actually, we're totally open. Our marriage and friendship are very happy.

[classylady]

My husband and I have an open/transparent marriage. We have access to each other's social media accounts, journals, mail, phones, purses, wallets etc. That doesn't mean we're into our spouse's stuff all the time. We still respect each other's personal property. Usually there's a good reason why we're looking into personal stuff of the other person, such as being asked to get something or look something up.

[mnn727]

We have each others passwords to everything. But unless invited we don't invade each others email, texts, etc.

And while my wife will wear one of my (colored) T-Shirts to bed she stretches it out in places I don't have places to stretch, so now she's the permanent user of 2 of my T-Shirts.

[applepansy]

We're pretty open about most everything. I don't mind anyone getting in my purse but I would like to know first. Not because its private but because I want to know what is taken out so I can put it back. Nothing worse than being at the store expecting a $10 to be in my purse only to discover its gone.

We do not share toothbrushes and we don't share pillows. :)

I read his email and even answer for him sometimes...like a secretary. I would be surprised if my husband knew how to get into my email but he's welcome to anything there.

[beefche]

We are open about things like that. I don't regularly check his emails but there's been occasion that I have (to look and delete the email about a gift I'm giving him and ordered from Amazon). But, I also respect him and let him know that I checked and/or deleted an email. If I were to ever find anything suspicious looking, I will give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him about it rather than jumping to conclusions and accusing him of anything. I love and trust him and I assume only good intentions from him as I know he feels the same for me and would never intentionally hurt me or our marriage.

This was something we discussed and decided before marriage. We both felt it was important to be transparent in our dealings. We also discussed our boundaries with people of the opposite sex.

[applepansy]

What's mine is mine and what's his is ours. (Name that movie.)

Actually, we're totally open. Our marriage and friendship are very happy.

In practice I would say that describes hubby and I. Not by my choice though. While I will deal with his email and the bills and the mail and the house and phone messages and .... and ... and ... and.... he lets me and considered ignorance as bliss.

[Backroads]

Mine is fairly open. We're not opposed to reading each others journals or texts, but that is one thing that requires asking. Not so much for permission, but more of a heads up. Otherwise, we know each others passwords and everything.

Y'know, I will never understand the purse secrecy thing! It's just a purse! Go through it, just don't steal anything besides change or candy.

I remember running the waterfront at Scout camp and my teenage boy lifeguards were incapable of bringing sun protection. So they'd borrow mine. Which was totally fine. One day I had forgotten to pull out the sun screen ahead of time and one kid asked where it was. I said it was in my bag. And he just stared at me in horror. I had to go pull it out of the bag for him. It was just a bag! Who cared if it belonged to a female?

Edited January 9, 2014 by Backroads

[Swiper]

I guess without getting into too much detail, how open or private is your marriage when it comes to personal belongings? Do you welcome your spouse to access your email or other personal things? Or do you expect your spouse to ask for permission before accessing your email or other personal things? For the record, whether you're the first or the latter, I don't think that specifically equates to anything. Everyone's marriage works a little bit differently, and if you're both happy, I guess that's all that matters.

My email/text/FB/chat/etc is none of my wife business and hers is not mine. I expect her to respect my right to privacy as much as I respect hers. We know eachother's passwords to email and FB, but I expect her to only access my stuff in a bonafide emergency. We would have serious issues if I found her spying one me.

Due to work we do live in separate states and only see each other 4-5 times a year. So our whole lives are pretty much separate. We do have joint finances and she is the one responsible for paying my credit card (so she knows what I spend money on unless I use cash).

Edited January 9, 2014 by Swiper

[Bini]

My email/text/FB/chat/etc is none of my wife business and hers is not mine. I expect her to respect my right to privacy as much as I respect hers. We know eachother's passwords to email and FB, but I expect her to only access my stuff in a bonafide emergency. We would have serious issues if I found her spying one me.

This is interesting to me. I guess that's where the difference is for us. I wouldn't consider it "spying" for my husband to access my email or any other personal account - I just don't - besides that there just isn't anything in there that I'd feel needs to be private. Just a difference in how different marriages function.

[kapikui]

I guess without getting into too much detail, how open or private is your marriage when it comes to personal belongings? Do you welcome your spouse to access your email or other personal things? Or do you expect your spouse to ask for permission before accessing your email or other personal things? For the record, whether you're the first or the latter, I don't think that specifically equates to anything. Everyone's marriage works a little bit differently, and if you're both happy, I guess that's all that matters.

I mentioned in another thread that my husband and I have a transparent marriage. What is mine is his, and what is his is mine. He is welcome to access any of my personal accounts, and I'm welcomed to access his. In fact, our phones are networked via iCloud, so any texts I send/receive or pictures I take are automatically synced to his phone as well. I was telling a friend how it's actually really convenient because both of us can keep track of inquirers from KSL (it's a site similar to Craigslist) and either of us can respond to it if the other is too busy. She basically said she didn't like the idea of her husband receiving all her texts/pictures, not because she's a dodgy wife - she isn't, but that just isn't what she is comfortable with.

My spouse takes care of my email for me, and only tells me about it if it's something that requires my personal attention. She has more time than I do, since I work and go to school full time. She is running a photography business, but much of her work is done online, so popping over to my email is easy for her.

Pretty much everything else is done the same way.

[Swiper]

This is interesting to me. I guess that's where the difference is for us. I wouldn't consider it "spying" for my husband to access my email or any other personal account - I just don't - besides that there just isn't anything in there that I'd feel needs to be private. Just a difference in how different marriages function.

I don't have any problem her accessing my stuff if she got a valid purpose for it (find an old address, delete Amazon email about surprise gift, retrieve account information, etc). I would have a big problem if she start going through my emails just to spy on what I am doing and who I am talking to. While I got nothing to hide, I still value my privacy.

[Finrock]

I am open to my wife accessing, viewing, reading, etc. pretty much anything. There have been some exceptions. During a very difficult time in my life I asked my wife not to read some of my new journal entries mostly because the content was very raw and unrestrained and I didn't want her to get worried or concerned about what I was writing.

Also, even though I don't have an issue with my wife checking my email, viewing files on my computer, etc. I don't like sharing my computer with anybody. In addition to my wife, everybody in my household, when they are old enough, gets their own computer. I'm an IT geek/nerd or whatever you want to call me. I keep my computer running in topnotch condition. Invariably when someone else starts using my computer on a regular basis I end up getting malware, crashes, performance suffers, and everything is cluttered and in disarray. I format/reload my computer at least once a year and quite often I'll do it every six months. But, as far as privacy and keeping things private, I don't care about that. If my wife wants to see, access, view, or whatever, she is able to and I happily comply.

This hasn't always been the case though because in the past I would be sure that my passwords were not known and such because I was trying to keep hidden my sinful behavior. Just wanted to add that when I was less open I had what I considered to be perfectly rational reasons as to why I wanted to keep some things private but the reality was that I didn't want to expose my sins and weaknesses because of pride.

-Finrock

Edited January 9, 2014 by Finrock
Added additional information at the end.

[notquiteperfect]

I'm a very private person, my husband is not. He does know my passwords but he knows that I still wouldn't appreciate him 'getting into things' - even if I was right there. Besides, just cause I have a ring on my finger doesn't mean I'm no longer an individual.

[classylady]

I even read to my husband what I post here on lds.net! Some of my posts can be very personal.

[Guest]

I don't have any problem her accessing my stuff if she got a valid purpose for it (find an old address, delete Amazon email about surprise gift, retrieve account information, etc). I would have a big problem if she start going through my emails just to spy on what I am doing and who I am talking to. While I got nothing to hide, I still value my privacy.

I can completely understand this.

The reason why the completely open thing works on my marriage is because my husband and I both cannot imagine the other needing to spy on the other. My husband, especially. I have gone through periods of suspicion before I shake myself and bop myself over the head for being stupid. It never goes far enough that I feel the need to sneak around in his emails. My husband, though. He has this attitude - if you're stupid enough to cheat on me, then you're not worth my time... so it would be beneath him to bother spying on me. All he will do is ask me to tell him the truth - this guy knows me so well it is impossible for me to lie to him and he not know. But then, one of the major reasons he married me is because he trusts me.

But, yeah, I can see if trust is not absolute in the marriage, it would be a problem.

[dahlia]

I think because the last few years my kids have treated my purse and everything else I own as community property, I have a problem with people going through my things. That's just me. Not that I have anything to hide but I like to feel that some things are just for me.

Yup. I see this sharing stuff with a lot of couples in the ward. They all have these joint email addresses (at least that's what they provide to the ward. I have no idea if they also have separate emails). I don't understand it. I wouldn't want to wade through my husband's emails, nor would I want him to wade through mine.

You have a right to a private life, whether or not you are doing anything 'wrong.'