skippy740 Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 He told her we won't last 2 months. This is the BEST thing he could say!!! :) :) :) How can I say that? My step-grandfather said the same thing to my parents when they got sealed in the temple. TODAY, they are celebrating 38 years of marriage! So, you can wish for everything to be "bliss and glory"... or you can bask in the adversity and grow stronger together as a couple... just in SPITE of him. :) It's your choice on how you respond to this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 BTW, my grandparent's other two boys... were both married and divorced twice and finally married a 3rd time - each. So here's to staying together and uniting against a "common enemy"! :) apexpredator 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 Remember this: Don't try to "rescue" her. This is primarily HER problem that she admits that she does not want any future contact with him. One of the "Top Ten Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" (by Dr. Laura Schlessinger) is "stupid rescuing". You can't make it better. You can't make it all right. You can't necessarily heal her. Yes, you can marry her and she can leave that environment. Here's the hard part: Are you SURE she's choosing to marry you? Or is she trying to get out of there? Only you can judge that. From your posts, it seems she is telling you the right things, but also is set on getting away and staying away from her father. Windseeker 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apexpredator Posted June 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 This is the BEST thing he could say!!! :) :) :) How can I say that? My step-grandfather said the same thing to my parents when they got sealed in the temple. TODAY, they are celebrating 38 years of marriage! So, you can wish for everything to be "bliss and glory"... or you can bask in the adversity and grow stronger together as a couple... just in SPITE of him. :) It's your choice on how you respond to this.I know about people saying marriages won't last. People gave my parents 5 years. Next year is their 25th anniversary while those who said my parents would be divorced are the ones divorced.Yes, I know we have nothing to worry about with his 2 month remark. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 What do you in this situation? I don't care so much about how he is toward me, I just care about how its affecting my fiancee. Nothing. He's her father and they've been doing this dance much longer than you've been around. You got shoulders for her to cry on, a listening ear for her to bounce thoughts upon, long arms for hugs... she gets to figure out what to do with her father. When your paths cross - be respectful and kind. If he goes to your events, great. If he doesn't, great. It doesn't really matter because... you can't control what other people do. You can only control how you react to them. And being nasty back makes you no better than the father... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyTown Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 I appreciate the advice given about protecting her. That's something I always do. I do find it disrespectful and immature to say "If you expect him to pay for anything you don't need to be married." How do people come to that conclusion from a "What to do about a father in law who refuses to do anything" topic? Well, I'm pretty sure nobody except Omega said not to marry the girl. What you should do is: Accept it. He doesn't owe you anything. Anything you do will exacerbate the situation and make it worse. Do not force your wife to take sides, just take sides with her. If you have made your feelings about her father clear in the past, stop it. It's not worth it. It won't hurt him. It will only hurt her and you. You have asked for money, he's said 'No'. Now, the ball's in your court. You can either:A) Start a big family row that will taint what is supposed to be the happiest day of your lives. You still won't get the money, but at least your Father-in-Law will have made everybody miserable. So that's something.B) Accept it and move on, showing love and support for your wife. It's up to you. classylady and Backroads 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Str8Shooter Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 Who you marry is up to you and even though tradition says different, who pays for your wedding is up to you too. I had a super cheap wedding and it was elegant and perfect so don't worry about it. As a husband and father it is your duty and obligation (along with your spouse) to protect your family from anything that tries to destroy the sacred nature of the family. It sounds like your father in law is toxic to the family. Help if you can, love him, and be careful. Love can do funny things. If someone starts verbally abusing someone you love you might get tired of it one day and go Hulk on somebody. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackmarch Posted June 27, 2014 Report Share Posted June 27, 2014 My fiance and I are getting married Valentine's day in the Raleigh temple. Only her and her dad live here in NC. Her dad is less-active. He says his reason is because he prefers someone preaching to him instead of the talks we have. Her dad has said he isn't paying for anything. They don't have much money but neither do we. He has said he will literally pay for NOTHING in regards to the reception, wedding dress, etc. He has cussed her out (good Christian man, huh?), yelled at her for no reason, makes her do everything around their house while he's always on the computer, and has even said he wants nothing to do with her after she gets married. He even said we should forget about the temple, get married by a random preacher, or elope to the courthouse. My parents are sacrificing money they were going to use for their 25th wedding anniversary.What would you do in this situation? What would you say to him?FYI, I'm apexviper from before. Hi. :-)Invite him to come, but if he doesn't make it let him know we wouldn't go on a murder rampage, and tell him that if he likes being preached at I know of some missionaries that would like to practice their preaching skills on him.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mdfxdb Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Don't marry her....run ....fast and farI'll echoing omega on this. He has given very good advice based on the description of facts as presented by the OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LiterateParakeet Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Don't marry her....run ....fast and far That is sick and wrong. To blame her for her past??? Are you condemning her to a life of being single because of the misfortune of not being born into an "ideal home"? In other words you would condemn her for someone else's sin? Sick and wrong. * I'm off to find the "ignore" button Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Haven't read all the great advice but I wanted to say this: 1. That's lovely that your parents want to contribute to your wedding, but regardless, having your wedding/reception paid for isn't a right. If you get folks chipping in on it, great. If you don't, you live with it. 2. Be decent with your FIL whenever your paths cross. 3. The only time it is your right to step up and say "Enough!" as a husband, is when he (or anyone for that matter) threatens your wife's well-being. I know that I can handle most of my own problems, and so can my husband, but I've got his back and he's got mine in the event that someone is outright obnoxious and or threatening one of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted July 7, 2014 Report Share Posted July 7, 2014 That is sick and wrong. To blame her for her past??? Are you condemning her to a life of being single because of the misfortune of not being born into an "ideal home"? In other words you would condemn her for someone else's sin? Sick and wrong. * I'm off to find the "ignore" button Sick and wrong? To be selective in who you choose to make your eternal companion? Life in general is very difficult, family issues are and should be a HUGE red flag. If you know about it why would you not choose to avoid it? Just like driving down the road if you see a pot hole you go around it if you can no one says "I'm going to aim for that pot hole and see what kind of damage I can do to my car" No I am not condemning her to a life of being single I am sure there are plenty of guys out there who will want to marry into a problem. Maybe SHE can resolve her family issues and not involve a boyfriend who has to "save" her from her terrible life. She has a responsibility to herself and future relationships to get this worked out. The OP has been given good advice on how to deal with the FIL, I gave my opinion and what I would do he is free to choose his path. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LiterateParakeet Posted July 7, 2014 Report Share Posted July 7, 2014 Who says she needs saving? Just because her dad is being a deadbeat, doesn't mean she needs to be rescued from him. I am disgusted by your attitude about this precisely because I came from a worse home situation than this young woman. Both my parents were alcoholics, and I was severely abused as a child Do I have "baggage", heck ya. I've been in therapy two days a week for four years. BUT I have also been happily married for 20 years (this year). And I have 5 great kids...not just great because I'm their mom, but because people from church and school compliment me on them all the time. Survivors are some of the strongest people around, we have to be. We can't all live in CandyLand the way some Happy People do (that is not a compliment by the way). But we get by, and sometimes we do it famously well. Did you know Vaughn J. Featherstone (a general authority) was a child of alcoholics. I bet his wife is glad no one counseled her not to marry him because of his family background. This life is a test, it's full of trials that is what it is all about. To tell the OP not to marry a girl he loves, because her dad is being a jerk is beyond ridiculous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
estradling75 Posted July 8, 2014 Report Share Posted July 8, 2014 Literate... If some one where to say.. I don't want to marry someone with blonde hair... We would not jump all over them saying that they are condemning all blondes to living alone. Because its not about being blonde its about what the person wants. If a person knows that there are situations or quality about a person that they could not be happy with then they should run far far away from getting married to a person with those situations or quality. Because it is better to run then to add to everyone misery. The quality or situation could be totally fine to someone else who is is a different position in life. In this case if the guy is going to be miserable and make is future wife more miserable based on what he can see about his father-in-law then he should do the kind and loving thing and run away for all their sakes. We could berate them for not being Christ-like enough to over come this now. But that is the whole point in this life. We are not Christ-like yet and we should seek to become that way. But as we learn this we should not throw ourselves off the deep end if we have not learned how to swim yet. Which might be the case here omegaseamaster75 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted July 8, 2014 Report Share Posted July 8, 2014 Who says she needs saving? Just because her dad is being a deadbeat, doesn't mean she needs to be rescued from him. I am disgusted by your attitude about this precisely because I came from a worse home situation than this young woman. Both my parents were alcoholics, and I was severely abused as a child Do I have "baggage", heck ya. I've been in therapy two days a week for four years. BUT I have also been happily married for 20 years (this year). And I have 5 great kids...not just great because I'm their mom, but because people from church and school compliment me on them all the time. Survivors are some of the strongest people around, we have to be. We can't all live in CandyLand the way some Happy People do (that is not a compliment by the way). But we get by, and sometimes we do it famously well. Did you know Vaughn J. Featherstone (a general authority) was a child of alcoholics. I bet his wife is glad no one counseled her not to marry him because of his family background. This life is a test, it's full of trials that is what it is all about. To tell the OP not to marry a girl he loves, because her dad is being a jerk is beyond ridiculous. Why would you take this so personally? This is not an attack against you or your life or your troubles or issues, everyone has choices to make in life. Who you decide to marry is one of them. You can argue one of the most important and biggest ones. Did you marry the first guy who came along? Heck no you were selective and so was he. All I am saying is that when making such an important life decision you need to choose what is important to you for eternity. The OP is going to marry this girl and that's fine its his choice and his life. I think I am the only one who thinks its a bad idea to marry her, so I guess may be mistaken.......I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OW4lyf Posted July 8, 2014 Report Share Posted July 8, 2014 While it is nice when parents contribute to weddings, it should not be expected. Also would you want this guy to contribute as he seems likely to be the person who would hold it over you. You should be lead by your future wife if she wants rid of him support her, if she wants a relationship with him support her, if she wants therapy to deal with the past support her. If you feel you can not support her then no you shouldn't marry her, for her sake as well as yours. You don't have to be a 'rescuer' to support some one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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