Backroads

A generational issue on modesty?

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Just looking for varying perpectives here as I'm still rather ticked over something.

Yesterday was my brother's wedding. We were waiting for the happy couple to leave the temple and my baby was getting hungry. So I made my way to a quiet corner of the grounds to nurse her. And yes, I even pulled out a little blanket to cover her.

Within 2 minutes, it seemed every woman in attendance over the age of 40 had found out what I was doing. It began with one person checking to see where I had gone and then spreading that information around. This was not be openly baring all in the middle of the group. This was me a distance away behind a tree.

Then came the unsolicited advice and comments: You need a bigger blanket. As in, take this heavy coat, we can still tell what you are doing. Why don't you have one of those cute covers that tie around the neck? Why didn't you bring a bottle? Back in my day, we didn't breastfeed our babies, how times have changed. Why don't you go back to your car? She's 6 months, why aren't you using formula?

It was like some stereotypical nightmare that I didn't think happened in reality. One lady after another gossiping about this, drawing attention to me in what I thought was a secluded area. Were they just bored or something?

And no, nothing I said stopped the flow of unsolicited comments.

My SiL was almost in tears as she is finally pregnant after 8 years and now fears similar craziness.

So glad when my brother and his wife came out.

I gave my mom grief about it as many of them were her friends and she just said it was a generational thing and only said it was just a little thoughtless.

Am I being too thin-skinned?

 

Edited by Backroads

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19 minutes ago, Backroads said:

And no, nothing I said stopped the flow of unsolicited comments.

Did you try screaming swear words at the top of your lungs. That might have quelled it.

:banana:

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7 minutes ago, The Folk Prophet said:

Did you try screaming swear words at the top of your lungs. That might have quelled it.

:banana:

At the temple? Oh me oh my!

That did give me a laugh, though!

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They were just trying to help.  And were concerned about you.

Would you rather, as sometimes happens, they paid no attention to you, they didn't even notice you were gone, and then they all drifted off to the next venue without you?

It's always difficult to get the right amount of involvement, or non involvement.

dc

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1 hour ago, David13 said:

They were just trying to help.  And were concerned about you.

Would you rather, as sometimes happens, they paid no attention to you, they didn't even notice you were gone, and then they all drifted off to the next venue without you?

It's always difficult to get the right amount of involvement, or non involvement.

dc

I am thinking that they were truly trying to offer advice so I'm trying to be more charitable. I could see the entire party, so being left behind wasn't an issue. I guess I just don't see why my baby-feeding choices were such a big deal to them. One lady became visibly upset when I told her I found prepping a bottle to be a pain.

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My baby won't even take a bottle - she will fuss until she gets the comfort of having mom's breast. Now at nine months she does eat some solids, but she still breast-feeds as well, which we plan to keep up until she's around 24 months. It's not only a generational thing, but an ignorance thing. I know women in my ward who are still breast-feeding children of nursery age who get afraid to go to the mother's lounge because of what the other mom's might have to say about it. People need to just trust that parents are doing the best they can. My sister in law has really had some struggles making breast feeding work, but she has been persistent in trying because of the health benefits and bonding of it - while her husband and his mom criticize her for worrying too much and to just forget the whole thing and use formula. Then there are others that use formula and looked down on by the breast-feed or bust crowd and it just gets to be so silly - I don't understand why people, especially those who have been parents themselves, can't just be supportive and understanding of feeding choices. from the outside looking in we just don't know if a mom can't breast-feed or her baby won't take a bottle, or has allergies to common bottle materials, can't latch, won't nurse while covered and so on and so forth. Being a mom is tough, and mothers are just learning as well.

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Backroads, they were 100% out of line.  It is very understandable that you were upset.  And now, it's time to forgive and move on.  

If you encounter this in the future, maybe try "I thank you for your comments, but baby and I could use some space and privacy now, thank you."  Aka, thanks but bug off and give me space. 

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10 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Backroads, they were 100% out of line.  It is very understandable that you were upset.  And now, it's time to forgive and move on.  

If you encounter this in the future, maybe try "I thank you for your comments, but baby and I could use some space and privacy now, thank you."  Aka, thanks but bug off and give me space. 

You're absolutely right. I'm feeling much calmer about it today.

I did try that same line. Only worked until someone else decided to come along.

I even chatted with my grandma about it today. She said that twenty years ago, those remarks were what were used to be polite and helpful, so I just need to keep in mind they were probably meant no harm.

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I seem to cause the same sort of commotion whenever I use Splenda. For some reason people think it's okay to stick their big noses into your business and tell you what they know to be true based on that one website they read.

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How was it immodest?! Wasn't the baby wearing a diaper?

7 hours ago, SpiritDragon said:

Now at nine months she does eat some solids, but she still breast-feeds as well, which we plan to keep up until she's around 24 months.

Just curious, can you turn breast milk into breast cheese and breast butter? Isn't that the best way to transition to solid foods?

7 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

"You know, sisters, when Mother Eve nursed her first baby, there wasn't anyone telling her to cover up.  Are you saying you're a better mother than she was?"

I tried a similar approach. "You know baby Jesus slept in a trough. Is your child better than Jesus?" Our kids still got a crib.

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12 minutes ago, mordorbund said:

Just curious, can you turn breast milk into breast cheese and breast butter?

Yes. There was a company a  few years ago that sold these products. Butter, I don't know. Human milk doesn't have the fat content of cow or goat milk.

Lehi

Edited by LeSellers

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2 hours ago, mordorbund said:

Just curious, can you turn breast milk into breast cheese and breast butter? Isn't that the best way to transition to solid foods?

That's an interesting idea. Our transition to solids has been to introduce pureed fruits and vegetables with breast milk mixed in.

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18 minutes ago, zomarah said:

Cows milk is designed for the nourishment of a calf, yet here we human's are drinking it. I wonder who first thought of drinking that?

Probably a man whose new-born was starving because his mother was dead.

Lehi

 

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I'm only a hubby, but I have personally witnessed a portion of the rolling tsunami of opinionated old biddies that my wife experienced.  And I've heard my wife's stories about the rest of it.  They came out of nowhere - at the McDonalds, at church, in the grocery store parking lot.  Lots of friendly pointed parenting advice, often just a skosh on the argumentatively judgmental side of polite.  It was about breastfeeding, how to spoil or not spoil, what foods to give, when to demand manners, etc.

They invaded our home, with SIL ignoring requests to just leave wife and baby snoozing on the other side of the door - opening the door anyway "just to make sure".  She later made it known that she had heard about my wife's PTSD, and would be looking for signs that our baby was in danger.  

My wife never breastfed in public, she always went off to a mother's lounge or empty room with a door to close or whatever.  So I figure there was only a category 3 tsunami instead of a 5.  

Open offer to any mommies - if you ever pull me aside and say something like "Getting bruised by some of the flying opinions here", I will gladly go off to another area of the room and make a huge embarrassing spectacle of myself in order to take the heat off you.  

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21 hours ago, Backroads said:

I am thinking that they were truly trying to offer advice so I'm trying to be more charitable. I could see the entire party, so being left behind wasn't an issue. I guess I just don't see why my baby-feeding choices were such a big deal to them. One lady became visibly upset when I told her I found prepping a bottle to be a pain.

 

20 hours ago, The Folk Prophet said:

I seem to cause the same sort of commotion whenever I use Splenda. For some reason people think it's okay to stick their big noses into your business and tell you what they know to be true based on that one website they read.

 

1 hour ago, zomarah said:

About milk products. When you think about it, why do we even drink cows milk? Cows milk is designed for the nourishment of a calf, yet here we human's are drinking it.

And THERE we go!

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THIS THIS THIS... This contributed to my very very tough time breastfeeding my firstborn.  I have some physical malformation that already makes it difficult then I get the old biddies that made it even more difficult... 3 months after my baby was born, I took a roadtrip north with my brother.  We stopped at the gas station with a McDonald's.  The baby started crying, so I was gonna go to the car but my brother had the keys and he was busy ordering stuff for his kids and I didn't feel the gas station bathroom was conducive to nursing... so I put on the cover-up tried to feed the baby, the baby cries some more because he didn't want the cover-up, I felt everybody was looking at me and I was starting to cry and my brother came to the table, saw what was happening and told me, feed your baby already.  Yeah, he's not really your "tender loving kindness" kind of guy.  He's the "I love you, moron!" kind of guy.  Anyway, I threw the coverlet back in the bag, slid the baby under my shirt and fed the baby.

That was the turning point in my breastfeeding life.  From then on, I didn't let anybody bother me.  I can go to the mall with a burpee on one hand, a diaper in one backpocket and baby wipes in the other backpocket.  Yes, I still take the steps to be discreet (there's a way to be discreet about nursing where you can do it in public and not expose any part of your boob or stomach) but I just shrugged off any mention of "oh, you shouldn't nurse in public" comments.  My baby was 7 months old when we went to Hong Kong and I nursed him in the middle of the restaurant.  The waiter came by and told me very discreetly that I can't nurse my baby in public.  I said matter of factly, "of course I can".  The waiter said very discreetly, "They can put you in jail, it is illegal here.".  That's about the only time I conceded and went to the bathroom to fed the baby while sitting on the toilet.  Of course there was no "mother's lounge"...

You know, we can whine all day long about how silly these old biddies are.  They're not gonna go away anytime soon.  The only way we can really deal with it is to just shrug it off and do the best we can for our children.  It's not just breastfeeding that this will apply to.  You'll have old biddies telling you how you shouldn't let your baby watch TV or shouldn't go in public without socks or have your children running around your yard unsupervised... whatever.  Do the best you can for your children, take good advice, junk the rest.

 

 

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On June 12, 2016 at 10:32 AM, Backroads said:

Just looking for varying perpectives here as I'm still rather ticked over something.

Yesterday was my brother's wedding. We were waiting for the happy couple to leave the temple and my baby was getting hungry. So I made my way to a quiet corner of the grounds to nurse her. And yes, I even pulled out a little blanket to cover her.

Within 2 minutes, it seemed every woman in attendance over the age of 40 had found out what I was doing. It began with one person checking to see where I had gone and then spreading that information around. This was not be openly baring all in the middle of the group. This was me a distance away behind a tree.

Then came the unsolicited advice and comments: You need a bigger blanket. As in, take this heavy coat, we can still tell what you are doing. Why don't you have one of those cute covers that tie around the neck? Why didn't you bring a bottle? Back in my day, we didn't breastfeed our babies, how times have changed. Why don't you go back to your car? She's 6 months, why aren't you using formula?

It was like some stereotypical nightmare that I didn't think happened in reality. One lady after another gossiping about this, drawing attention to me in what I thought was a secluded area. Were they just bored or something?

And no, nothing I said stopped the flow of unsolicited comments.

My SiL was almost in tears as she is finally pregnant after 8 years and now fears similar craziness.

So glad when my brother and his wife came out.

I gave my mom grief about it as many of them were her friends and she just said it was a generational thing and only said it was just a little thoughtless.

Am I being too thin-skinned?

 

Go Backroads! I am proud of you!

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